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Shadows Light

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Everything posted by Shadows Light

  1. Shadows Light
    it appears that you arn't problem solving... your fights are non-productive and not condusive to a relationship. Instead of problem solving... you are trying to "WIN". Prove your point... prove you are right and she is wrong. The namecalling needs to stop. The catty barbs about fratboys etc.. has to stop. STICK to the subject and quit throwing wood on the fire. Your barbs had nothing to do with bowling... or how she felt about your attempt at.. doing the BF thing and teaching her. Both of you have to put this "cheating" thing behind you... those comments are uncalled for. To have a successful relationship... you both need to learn "RULES OF ENGAGEMENT" and how to fight fairly. Quit blaming it on your nationality... has NOTHING to do with it. You take responsibility for your own behavior and what you put out. Don't say she made you angry... no one makes you anything unless you allow it. You seemed more concerned about winning arguments. Maybe you should learn to choose your battles and choose them wisely. Was a "bowling outing" really worth a huge blow up???? Probably not.
  2. Shadows Light
    OMG!!! I sooooo love that song. lol. I've forgotten it!!! Thank-you. Personally, I think college is a very difficult time to "Keep" a relationship. The dynamics and everything going on. Whats her parents relationship like? Thats the first and primary place she draws from experience. And your parents? What are each fighting styles? you both bring these learnings to the table. You will need to learn to trust... somehow learn to find it. If wind up on the outs on this relationship... you will still encounter the same lesson along the way with subsequent relationships. And as the saying goes "its better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. All great things require great risk... and in this case the risk is your heart" Worth it...and worth the potential lesson.
  3. Shadows Light
    The 4rth of July Comes once a year doesn't it?? as does Xmas and Halloween.. and Valentines day. And leap year is every few years.... soooooooo... Same thing goes with SEXIPADES.... they are awesome when it happens... and they are great experiences. You'll never recreate them. Heck... you may one day surpercede that one. Your GF could have been caught up in the moment, the taboo of everyone naked, the thought of getting caught or watched, her hormone levels could have been at the right part of the month, there could have been a full moon outside and the stars and moons alligned properly. Who knows. Don't dwell. Enjoy the moment and don't get up in your head an stress. Explore, enjoy and be open to your sexuality. Take each time as a gift.
  4. Shadows Light
    Maybe he's married or in a long term relationship. He met you for dinner.... and now either can't find the time to get away or is feeling guilty. Hate to be so callous about it.. but there it wouldn't be the first time a "married" guy tried testing the waters and went fishing to see what he's worth on the market. If he is married... count yourself lucky if he doesn't call you again. The ones that pursue and try to sit their a55 on two chairs will take you for a wild ride. One you could well do without.
  5. Shadows Light
    Keep coming back here... find strength from others and where ever you can. I promise you... this too shall come to pass. And yes, there truly truly is light at the end of the tunnel. You'll smile one day and it will light up all the way up to your eyes. It will happen. I didn't think it would either... and it did. You'll make it!!! Find a divorce and separation class through one of the local churches or organizations. Get yourself some books on the grieving processs. One of the things they taught me at Div. Sep. Class was... FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. and you WILL make it. Hugs to you .. love and light.
  6. Shadows Light
    *** CHEERS**** Love it.... lol... thank-you... lol.
  7. Shadows Light
    Tommyboy... there are many people who "LOVE" thier spouses and family's... but are unhappy. What is it that they "LOVE" then??? do they love the cloak and title of being in a family? Why are they unhappy... are they feeling unappreicated.. unloved... do they feel like they are "JUST A PAYCHECK".... but whoa nelly.. they'll stay in that marriage and keep flogging a dead horse just... "BECAUSE." I wonder if they do their spouses a diservice?? A diservice because they really arn't "IN LOVE" anymore but are .. comfortable. They love the trappings and the stuff that thier present position holds... but they arn't "IN LOVE" with thier spouse. Had I stayed in my marriage to my husband... I would have done him a HUGE dis-service. I no longer loved him. He felt it.. I felt it.. why stay? For the cloak it gives us??? the TAX BREAK???? I don't think "marriage" is supposed to be that way.. a shackle. something to be endured. Tommy... put some energy into really working at your marriage with your wife. Look at it... really really look at it with honest and open eyes. Flip every stone over and see if you can't "FIX" the relationship you have.... if its a relationship at all at this point. And then.... take in all that data... analyze it... and make some decisions. Work YOUR life... save thyself. You do your spouse a diservice.. and yourself.. because EVERY HUMAN BEING deserves to be LOVED.
  8. Shadows Light
    My hearing is very good thank-you. It took you up till post number 25 to get to exactly WHY you are here... You want to stop. You are using SEX as a soothing mechanism. Your drug of choice. And you don't feel good about it do you??? You said you are happy...and yet your feel perverted and you want to stop. If its such a great thing....why stop? Because you know its wrong. There's that little bit in you, inside... that no matter how you try to WHITE WASH this and defend... you know its wrong. Her knight in shining armor??? You want to save her... educate her.... have her boost your ego.. just like you feel your ego is boosted by your friends when they clap you on the back.."WOW.. hot babe".... its empty isn't it???? Wouldn't you rather be your wifes HERO. Have her do this for you? Have her look at you with admiration and praise for bringing home the bacon. Have her eyes light up when you walk through the door because she's happy to see her HERO... her man. But no.. your met in bed with her back offered to you. SAVE yourself first. You can not... save someone else.. or fix someone else until you save yourself first. NO she can not. She can love the money you give her. She can love what that money brings her. But its NOT what you want really... its not really what you want out of life is it? Possibly... you want what you can't have. And you can't squeeze blood out of a stone... you certainly arn't going to get real "LOVE" from this woman. She is what she is Tommy. Its what she's chosen to do. Don't question it. She could have called it quits for a lot of reasons. What does it matter why. Its an exchange of services rendered. NOPE... you can't go out with her as friends. This would be like an alcholic... giving up the bottle, going to AA.. swearing of booze and then getting a job at the local pub the next day. You need to break it off.. and make it a clean blunt cut. I do understand you. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. Mans worst fear is rejection.. and isn't that what you are feeling at home?? Rejection??? Have you thought about.. .Marriage counseling with your wife? do you want to make it work with your wife? Do you want to see if it could be different? If she won't go to marriage counseling... will you consider going to see a counselor yourself. What have you got to lose? One of the things he/she may help you with is your... sexual addiction. And to sort some of the things that are going on at home. Sort out your stress.... and depression. Give it a whirl.. what have you got to lose. Be careful about how much stock you put in the "adda boys" from your friends. You don't really know what they really think do you? I do understand and I do hear you. But you are NOT her night in shining armor.. you will NOT save her. If she needs saving... she can save herself. We're a resourceful and resilliant lot.
  9. Shadows Light
    oh I don't know Dako... you get what you pay for. He really had no true intimacy with her. No trust. No strings. No complications (appart from the obvious). She doesn't have to cook for him. Clean for him. Listen to him him gripe about his day. They don't share problems together. They don't share all the joys and sorrows of the "real" world together. She doesn't have to have sex on tap for him. He pays for what he gets for... that momentary .. snort... shot... drag.... addrenullun rush and he goes on his merry way. No responsibiliites. She goes off with MONEY at hand... and can pretty much do as she pleases. When she wants. How she wants. And doesn't need to ask permission to do what she wants. Even exchange???? Its a business deal. Pure and simple. There are no real feelings or emotions here. If he were to get run over by a train tomorrow or come down with some disasterous illness... bet she wouldn't cry over him.. care.... or sit by his side. She wouldn't willingly be there to help him up when he's down... feed him when he can't feed himself. Take care of him and get him back on is feet. And his wife??? lol. I doubt she'd do the same for him either, knowing that he sold his soul for a bit of fun.
  10. Shadows Light
    Sure its a balance... I agree.. I don't see what the problem is. I don't have to agree with his lifestyle... as long as his lifestyle doesn't impinge on mine. His freedom begins and ends where mine does. so... if he gets something out of paying for it for whatever reason.... good for him. If his wife doesn't mind... great. Everyone gets what they want out of the deal. hmmmmm..... I guess we can start the argument of "mandatory testing and licencing of call girls" as they do in other countries to control the spread of disease. THAT... is a concern.
  11. Shadows Light
    GOOD FOR YOU TOMMYBOY... I like the screen name though.. boy. Look.. I tried... I read 1/2 way through this thread and thought.. What is your point??? What it he question? what is he vent? Do you want me to clap you on the back and say.. "adda boy" like your friends do for having a "HOT" date? Why??? does that do something for you??? I'm not going to do that... I care about.. "." much. You arn't asking a question, posing an issue.... being threatened, coerced or appear to be in any kind of pain. You found your answer to your "depression" and marital problems in the woman who is practicing what appears to be the worlds oldest profession. so what do you want ... a cookie???? The ramifications of your actions are obvious. You haven't just fallen off the turnip tractor. If you are happy... GREAT. If your wife is happy... Wonderful. If your the object of your addiction is happy... AWESOME. I call that a WIN WIN situation. Would I date you.... ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND??? Would I be your friend... HEII NO. Would I respect you if you were in my circle of friends... lol. I don't think so. You lack self respect, and self-esteem. Two qualities that I find SEXY in other people. Do you care what I think??? ohhh about "." much.
  12. Shadows Light
    I seem to attract the guys who want to marry me and want a commitment from me. Arn't I supposed to be the one chasing the brass ring? and the males supposed to be running the other way? I don't want to marry a mensch. I don't want to marry at all right now. But I don't want to be alone and celebite either. And yes.... where the heck to you find a mensch or order one up? I think my coey niceness attracts.... drama. And is a mensch attracted to a strong independent woman? I see many strong men with a lot of "fluff"... and I just don't do fluff. I won't sell myself short and dumb myself down.
  13. Shadows Light
    Pass the Ben-N-Jerry's Chubby Hubby Ice-cream Sister... lol. Interesting article. YEP... its the "good stuff" that gets ya and keeps hoovering you back in... lol. And the "bad ju ju" you'd ohhhhhh so like to forget. I liked the article... he had some great insights.
  14. Shadows Light
    I like that... we iron out each others weaknesses... thats nice. I'd have to agree with everyone else here. If you do not want to "PLAY" don't pack an overnight bag! bad ju ju... WHAT did you think was going to happen??? honestly. You are way past the naive stage of the game... packing an overnight bag means one thing. I've gone on trips where I've packed an overnight bag with a PLATONIC. And I've been very very upfront with what the expectations were going to be and what will and will not happen. Gets rid of all the game playing then. I've set... "BOUNDARIES"... and I darned well stuck by those boundaries I set. THAT..is how you earn respect. THAT is how they will look at you differently.
  15. Shadows Light
    The best revenge of ALL is "LIVING WELL" thats all you need dear lady. From someone who has walked this road and lived it.. your best choice of action here is "LIVING WELL" Now.. 1st pick me up for you?? run done to the local music store and buy yourself some NEW music. Pick-me-up off the ground type music. I do love the old Gloria Gaynor song... "I will survive" awesome!!! How about... Jodi Messina.."My give a dam is busted"... lol. Here's one for you.. my current favorite... Artist/Band: Strait George Lyrics for Song: She Let Herself Go Lyrics for Album: Somewhere Down in Texas He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye. Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night. But he had no idea, when he hit the road, That without him in her life, she'd let herself go. Let herself go on a singles cruise, To Vegas once, then to Honolulu. Let herself go to New York City: A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty. When he said he didn't love her no more, She let herself go. She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch. Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants. Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note, And without him there to stop her, she let herself go. Let herself go on her first blind-date: Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake. Let herself go, buy a brand new car, Drove down to the beach he always said was too far. Sand sure felt good between her toes: She let herself go on a singles cruise, To Vegas once, then to Honolulu. Let herself go to New York City: A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty. When he said he didn't love her no more, She let herself go. To Vegas once: Honolulu, New York City. Came back knocked-out pretty. LET IT GO... and LET YOURSELF GO. HAND IT TO THEM ON A SILVER PLATTER.... LIVE WELL.
  16. Shadows Light
    YES... that pretty much catches the gyst of it. I think I'm a pretty intelligent person. Not only by the degree that sits on my wall... but I've been sucessful and gotten pats on the back. Am pretty well respected at my place of business and with family and friends. NOPE.. not everyone thinks I'm the CAT's Meow...but I get my strokes. But when it comes to problems or issues in my personal life... whooaa nelly. The water's get muddy. I can't see the forest for the tree's. I'm inept and feel paralyzed to act. And sometimes there are no actions that can be taken. I'm great at analysis.... you collect the data and it pretty much is right there in front of me in black and white. But I second guess... and I second guess... and I'm my own worst critic. We all are. So... I'll come onto ENOT... and ask. Here's the data. Here's what I've done. Here's what my possible options are. Anyone want to comment? or... maybe I just need to VENT. I need to scream and get it out of my system... and I need a boo-hoo party. I need a hug. I need a cyber hug. And yeah... it does work. If I know that I am not so unique... if I know that its common... if I know that others are in the same boat I am in. It helps. When I read other peoples posts... and I comment. Offer my 2 cents worth. Yes... it does feel like I not only helped them.. but I helped me too. If I have something inside me that I can offer from my arsenal of experiences and knowledge base.. why not share it? I might see something different from the way they see it. OR.... lol... there are many times I will "LEARN" from reading others thoughts on the same subject. and think.. "HEY.. I never thought of it that way.. but that is a great way to look at it." Its like an interactive learning experience. You offer what you have... you digest what others have... and hopefully you grow from the experience. BTW... after you've spent a bit of time on ENOT... you problems seem to work themselves out eventually. And I think... its the TIME part we all talk about. "GIVE IT TIME". We're such a give me, give me, give it to me RIGHT NOW.. society. Wanting the gratification right away... that we don't understand... TIME. With a little bit of time and distance, yes, things do work themselves out. The Magic of TIME.
  17. Shadows Light
    PS... your friend who you said acted like a 5th grader??? LOL. Give him a break. He cares for you. We all act like kids when it comes to relationships. There are no classes on how to have a successful relationship. There are no tests. For your drivers license you go to driving school and pass a test. You need to learn the laws and how to's and pass a competency test. But relationships???? the only lessons are those we learn from our parents.. .and some of those weren't the greatest of teachers or from what we see in the media and around us. Hardly a competant text book wouldn't you agree??? So in the ways of ERO's ... we're all pretty much learning by trial and error and at an elementary school level. Your buddy cares for ya bud... give the guy a break. And thank god for wonderful caring friends in your life.
  18. Shadows Light
    You can't make someone love you. That is a gift. And you can't guess if they love you.. that is something they gift. You can only talk about your feelings because you own them and you give them freely. I can comment about the boldness. From "my perspective". I'm pretty much a up front in your face bold woman. About most things. When it comes to intimacy... lol. I still have that bit of shyness about me. It that ingrained taught behavior that woman should be "chaste" and circumspect and not chase. Looking at your age bracket... I can very well remember where I was in my life at that time. And the answer is "YES"... I wanted the bold ones. No qualms, no b.s. come and get me "bold". I think that single aspect is something that I valued from my "X" in the very beginning. It was a very intriqueing hook. Too bad he didn't know how to follow through but... lol.. thats a whole 'nother story. Was she chasing you? absolf'nlutely. She put a lot of trouble into her appearance and dressing up in the best outfit she has. She appeared at all the places you did. She drank from you glass of beer repeatedly... a very flirtatious move. Was she interested??? by your accounting of it.. I'd say absolutely. OK... now stand up... take your right leg.. swing and KICK YOURSELF.. don't sweat it... we all do it. The relationship you had with her prior is broken. You can't go back there. Nice addrenulun rush and the drug is the same darlin... but you've both grown and you've both had time to learn (hopefully) from where you went wrong... and time to assess how things could be different and what you want. You want her back? Give her a call and go out for a cup of coffee. Take it from there.
  19. Shadows Light
    Hypothetically? I think I'd be pretty up front up about it and tell him that I'm climbing the walls and needed a man in my bed. No strings yadda yadda yadda. Would I be offended? Probably not. I think I'd laugh myself silly. WHY the probing quesions Captain???? what happened. it would help better answer your question.
  20. Shadows Light
    And don't do anything that will COST him his JOB. You never CHIT where you EAT. If you cost him his job... then you can say bye-bye to spousal support, child support... etc. ICK... GET him by his gonads financially.. but don't mess with your meal ticket.
  21. Shadows Light
    I so know where you are coming from.. and the fantasy of R-e-v-e-n-g-e..... is ohhh so sweet sounding. Its very alluring. And puts a band-aid on the boo-boo just thinking about it. However... Revenge is short... and you won't feel vindicated in the least when its done. Put the BLAME if you must where its supposed to be. Your HUSBAND. He is the one you have a covenant with. He is the one who promised to LOVE, Honor and Cherish. You don't have a contract with this other woman do you???? Your "H" is the one who broke the rules. Doesn't matter with whom.. or why... he is the one you have a beef with. As Aveman said you need to watch what you are doing in terms of LEGALITIES. Take the HIGH ROAD.. dear lady.. Take the HIGH ROAD and don't stoop to thier level. Squeeze your husband DRY financially... but don't get into the vendeta game with the OW. She is really not the one to blame. HE IS. Let him pay for his own mistakes. He broke the covenant with YOU. Your husband is the one to blame... had he kept his pants up in the first place... it wouldn't have happened.
  22. Shadows Light
    Everyone has a right to walk away....if its not right, its not right. My "X" and I... early in the game, used to talk about "WHAT IF" situations.. worst case scenario stuff. You know... you see a couple who tears into each other during a break and you SWEAR you wouldn't do that to one another. That sort of thing. We also said.. that the "DOOR" is always OPEN. That if one of us didn't feel right.... the door was always open. WALK. LOL... not so simple once those tangled webs get weaved. In my situation... there have been many many many times I tried to be upfront and tell him things that bugged me or when he'd overstepped a boundary. He wasn't listening. At one point I resorted to start using the big "D" word.. .as emphasis... Oh he heard that and heard it as a threat. I called it a wake up call... "HELLO.. this isn't working for me!! CAN YOU NOT do this or that... can we do this or that differently"... and NO.. nothing ever changed. The cycle kept perpetuating itself until I had no choice but to... take the option behind door number 3 and "WALK". I don't call it abandonment. I call it self-preservation. I thought it was sweet the way you talked to her about her choice. And told her she was right... and sighted all the reasons you should have broken up. At least you were acknowledging some of the issues that maybe WRONG in the relationship. I don't think.. re-tracting those things right now is a good idea. It sounds wishy washy. There are always a ton of reasons to BREAK. But what are the reasons to stay?????????????? If you need to get it off your chest then be completely honest. THESE were the reasons I thing the break was a good choice. AND then.. in the second column... and these are the reasons we SHOULD have stayed. And tell her for the record.... you just wanted and needed to get that on the table.
  23. Shadows Light
    I read this and thought of the adage... "Until you have walked in someone elses shoes...." Abuse is insidious.... Verbal/Emotional abuse undectable. Even the mot educated and intelligent of "PEOPLE" (it happens to men as well as women)... do get involved in a relationship with a Narsassitic Abuser. Verbal/Emotional abuse could be happening in your neighborhood, in your church, in your family, at your next door neighbor's house... and YOU would NEVER EVER know it.
  24. Shadows Light
    All of a sudden she's showing up to places you are. Are these the same places the both of you used to hang out together? Because if it is... it could be that you both just "like" to go there. Or... it could be because you both have friends in common. THAT is a tough one. In a long term relationship friends don't know how to act... they don't want to take sides and some do... others pull away totally until the dust clears. I specifically AVOID all the places where my "X" could be hanging out. But my 'break' was a full blown bloody kicking and screaming divorce. Tonz of blood letting. lol. I DO NOT.. want to have to deal with him when he's full of piss and vinager and tanked. YOU... I find it curious that she's showing up. I'd say she's showing interest. And at some point.. one of you will have to build a bridge and cross it if you want to try this thing again.
  25. Shadows Light
    AWWWwwwwwwww sweetie.... ((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry for your loss. So very very very sorry. What a special man!!! you are so lucky to have had him in your life, remember him and cherish your memories. He knew you loved him.... LOVE is not just words. Anyone can say, "I LOVE YOU" .. LOVE is actions. It the actions that speak the loudest. Its all the care packages that you sent him. The time you took to bake him home-made cookies. Everytime you logged on to talk to him.. that spoke volumes. He Knows you love him. Don't be afraid to sleep... don't be afraid to see him. If you do... then tell him whats in your heart, because he already knows. He knows you love him.... and he loves you very very very much. Actions speak louder than pretty words. Always. My heart goes out to you and your child. Remember him well... and remember that he loved you and his country so much, he risked all to keep us all safe. He was a brave man, an honorable man. May the light of all the angels who've gone before him light his way home. God Bless you and keep you safe. Siempre Fidelis
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