Shadows Light

You've wanted him to email you... talk to you.. or text you for the past month. He now has... but he wants to jump back to where you were before. BTDT..got the T-shirt. (A very long time ago.. lol.) I think I handled it all wrong.... we did meet and I tried to explain to him that I couldn't go back to where we were, that we needed to go back to square ONE. HE didn't want that... saw it as too much work. Sooooooooo... we never went out again. Too bad, so sad because we were 1st loves for each other. Where did we end up... we live eons from each other. He's unhappily married with children. I'm now divorced. lol. And we see each other once in a blue moon at social functions... that connection is always there and always will be. But NO.. not together. Would I go back today if I had the chance??? ummmm no. My answer would still be the same as it was then... SQUARE ONE... the relationship we had was BROKEN.. we'd changed and grown in different directions. I LOVE the person he was... I don't know the person he is today. How did I handle it wrong??? I don't think I was clear and articulate in explaining what i meant by approaching it from Square One.

I have NEVER heard of anything like it.. but your analysis sounds plausible. If it bothers you so much.. go see a UROLOGIST about it. We all make noises.... WE women make noises that we can't control, and i was/am with a new partner. eeeekkkk. But whatch gonna do??? its just a bit of air. HEY.. and I "pooky" in my sleep and I've been told I sometimes SNORE .. whatcha gonna do. I've learned to laugh at myself..

LOL... not a problem. Love it. I think guys get more grossed out over it when the roles are reversed, when the woman goes down on a guy and she swallows. I think most of them are worried about the whole.. .SNOWBALLING thing... doh! lol.

Then he isn't worth your time. You should NEVER feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. "LOVE" is a gift. Expressing your "Love" in the physical sense is a GIFT. It is given freely and when you are ready. NOT before. Making "LOVE" will mean to you if you wait... wait until your mind and body is ready. And don't let anyone else tell you when that time is... YOU will know. This "BOY" is not worth your time. Save yourself and your gift for a man.. in the future.

Lostinpain... (((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Don't go through the photo albums right now... don't be pulling on those nastalgic heart strings. You do need to cry and get it out....but don't compound the pain. You asked if she would be more emtionally well equipped to take care of the kids on her own... don't play that card. We are... and I am. Those words pretty much came out of my mouth... "I have nothing left to give." Our situations or totally different Lostinpain. Please try to be as fair as you both can for the kids sake. Try to be as amicable as possible. And DO try to get into counseling or a divorce recovery program for YOU... so you can heal and get back on your feet as fast as possible. If for no one else... for your childrens sake.

All state laws are slightly different. If you live in a no-fault state... infidelity can't be charged. I wouldn't spend the money. I had a friend who spent oodles of money on a PI... it didnt' gain him anything but angquish. He had the name of the lover, financials, background and pix and video tapes of the assignations. All it did for him was CONFIRM that she was having an affair and imprint his brain with images of his Wife and her lover caught on pix and video. When it comes to the courts they can care less. They see so many cases a day that "YOUR'S" is not special or any different. Its their job. Its a business. All the courts do is make sure that the Assets and Liabilities are equally distributed and that the CHILDREN are protected. In the case of INFIDELITY.. yes, a background check could help you retain custody of CHILDREN and mayhap prevent any prolonged exposure to a CRIMINAL person. If you are siphoning off money. Make sure you are doing it in minimal increments. If the courts see that you are make HUGE withdrawls and are cleaning the accounts right before filing.... it will become suspect. Any agreements you make with your husband... GET them SIGNED and NOTORIZED. Get it on paper... in black and white.

Why don't you ask him??? Thats yet another dimension to add to the bedroom... talking during sex.. or some people call it talking a little dirty.. However.... if you ask him... be prepared for his answer. He will more than likely say.. "YES" and tell you he'd like to watch. The answer to your question is 90% YES... he was trned on by the thought. Its still such a TABOO thing to do. The previous poster was right... sometimes WHEN they have it on TAP... they don't want it as much. THATS where you need to learn the ART of flirting... hunting so to speak. Laying the ground work. Wearing something sexy for instance. NOT totally risque.. but just enough. For example... You go GROCERY SHOPPING of all boring things.. Stop by the DAIRY section and pick up a can of WHIPPED CREAM... look at him.. and whisper in his ear..."By the way.. I'm NOT wearing any underware... I'm going commando... " Wink at him.. and walk away.. continue to shop as if NOTHING HAPPENED. Let him chaise the bait. OR... how about letting him walk in on you while your taking a bath... and masterbating.. lol. Make sense? lol. I'm sure you can get inventive if you really think about it.

According to who??? I don't have a ring. And I don't plan to have a ring. But that doesn't mean I'm game !!! I suppose Grandma's Rule applies here...'A man will try and ask.. but its the womans job to say yah or nay...." nothing to get upset about. Take it as a compliment that he asked and move on. No biggie. NOPE... just because I am NOT wearing a ring doesn't mean that I'm going to PLAY. Actually I'm kind of offended by that.... its like saying that if I have a ring on THERE is ownership or property rights.... eeeeeek..

Not a healthy practice. I had a friend of mine do 15 years of college.. JAIL TIME... becase he and is GF were high and he choked her. Didn't know his own strength. What made it worse was he "freaked" and dumped the body. I wouldn't say this was a worth-while practice to get into ... no.

Thanks SG79... lol. I know its hard to believe but I used to be a very shy girl back in H.S. and very self conscience. I had this tall stature to deal with... and just didn't seem to fit in anywhere. Digging deep.... I found my niche and esteem in various sports and endeavors outside of school. I did TONZ of reading... and so wanted to be like the HEROINE's in my books. So, I acted. "FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT"... With my height.. its hard to HIDE walking into a room. So...I opt for making an LOUD entrance.. lol. And... I worked on getting my own style and not following the other sheep. Walk to the beat of my own drum. It does take practice to overcome shyness... getting over the little butterflies in your belly.. and definitely getting over being embarrassed or what people think. The "WHAT OTHERS THINK" part is tough.... very tough to work through. I still have teeny tiny reminants of that one. The one thing I have learned is... YOU need to LOVE yourself first. And be comfortable in your skin. When u can do this.... it oozes out of you. A happy positive attitude and the ability to laugh at yourself and the world... will take you everywhere. love and Light.. Skye

I had to make that decision... with my own dad. I promised him I'd be there and hold his hand. He held on a lot longer than the Dr's predicted. His WILL was stronger than his vital organs. I think there are many doctors that would agree there may be a better way... I could see it in their eyes as they walked in "DAILY" and saw me sitting there with him. I agree... there should be a more dignified way to depart. Hold his hand...talk to him.. and remember his life. Celebrate his life, celebrate who he is... and the legacy he left behind. My experience with my dad, although painful was a GIFT. I've seen a baby come into this world and taken its first breath.. absolutely beautiful. And I've seen a man leave this world and expell his last breath.. the ease of letting go... also beautiful. Hard to explain... but I found joy in him being able to let go and move on. The circle of life. A gift. Peace be with you.. love and light. Be strong, be brave...take heart.

Sad story...yes. But you can see it on the faces of some who are on that dark journey. Its like the life has gone out of thier eyes. I know a woman who can't smile. She's in her 50's.. and now has grandchildren. Her smiles don't reach her eyes. Her laughs have a ring of.... hollowness to it. When you talk to her of life... she see's darkness, bitterness, and all the bad in the world very clearly. I wonder if even the the flowers have lost thier color for her. If she see's the world in the beautiful color she once used to as a young woman. The look in her eyes is blank... its as if she's waiting for that final blow of some tragic accident or disease to take her away. Hope lost. So sad. Yes.

Yes... its ok NOT to want to have children. In fact there are tonz of people out there who do take that journey...and from the outside looking in... you think, WHY? There are some people who just arn't cut out to be parents and they take the journey. There's NO WAY to back up and take that baby back to the baby store for your money back once you take it on. It doesn't make you weird.. or strange... its just the way you feel. I have a few friends who knew their hearts and decided "NOT" to have children. They have wonderfully fufilling lives without them. They are great as AUNTS... as BABYSITTERS... and big sisters. Its a personal choice... and if it feels right for you.. why should it be wrong, or abnormal?

ehhhhh... without knowing your whole story. Your email to her sounds as if... you instilled NC to get to what you want. Meaning it was a means to an end and NOT a time out necessarily. I could be wrong. You said you wanted to her to know "WHY" you instilled NC. If you are bent on telling her explicitly. You might want to say... Its because xyz... when you do/did xyz.. I felt XYZ (don't use the word MAKES me feel... because no one makes you anything, you OWN your own feelings)... and say, I felt that NC is because you need space between you. To get your head together. To re-think about your goals, feelings, wants/needs. Having contact would prolong the feelings you have, add fuel to the fire and not be conducive to even a "FRIENDSHIP" let alone a relationship. You started out as friends... you hope is that you can each one day still be able to call each other... friend.

another cup of coffee... and a second look. YEP...if he's shy he'll have a difficult time finding and opening to talk to you. So, YOU'LL have to open that door. Your making an assumption that he "KNOW'S" you like him.... he might be more confident if he really knew. Everyone's biggest fear is REJECTION.... so you'll have to pave the way to make this happen. Maybe next time you see him you might want to smile... and smile all the way to your eyes that it lights you up. and say "Hi.. how's it going?" and take it from there. I'm making an assumption that you are school age and going to the same school. Do you have any classes together??? if so, you might want to strike up a conversation about class... homework thats due... etc. Its an opening for you... He may be looking for you to open that door a little just so he knows he's not going to be rejected. Yep... I've had this happen to me... and its most probably because I come off intimidating... I was super tall in high school... and that made me.. super insecure with the whole socialization thing. I didn't grow into my skin until I got to my senior year. THATS when I started to open up... I found that if I DIDN'T ask guys out directly.. they wouldn't. GO FIGURE. Later, I found out that they thought I was too darned pretty and that intimidated them. ssssheeesh. lol. Give the guy a break, give him an opening.... strike up a conversation and go from there.

He's shy. Or he's socially inept. Or he's fishing..... reeling you in. And you are right... lol..frustrating. So, don't give him a second thought. Do what you have to do and get on with your life. If he's interested he'll come to you.

Poster.... She obviously has NOT come to the end of her rope. As a friend... you can offer her an ear and listen to her. Empathize with her. And offer her what limited information you possess. There's a listing of books on link removed you may want to look up. Sometimes seeing it in black and white and seeing other people who have walked in those shoes... clears the muddy waters and gives you some direction. In regards to finances...family, friends and how about "Legal Aid". Legal Aid offeres legal advice at a minimal cost. If there is a will.....there is a way. As someone once told me... even "women" who work at Convenient Stores on minimum wage file divorce and find a way out of abusive relationships. Your "friend" has NOT come to the end of her rope. When the "chit hits the fan" and you are DONE...thats when you pitch "PRIDE" out the window and you do what needs to be done. SURVIVAL is inherantly primal. When the chips are down... we find a way. This is something she has to do on her own. Number one...admit there "IS" a problem. Number two... ACT. Do something about it. as the saying goes... "PRIDE goeth before the fall."

I'm right there with ILSE... I'm 6'1" tall, and am just attracted "more" to a taller man. I recently got a kick out of just standing next to a guy who was 7'6".... . Maybe its the primal thing... dunno. Slow dancing is a lot more fun!!! AND... with taller guys I don't have to be shoe conscience, I can wear a pair of heals

The following is taken from link removed its an informative website you may be interested in taking a look at. She talks about Verbal/emotional and physical abuse. I've found it very helpful in validating some of the things that were going on in my marriage. It gave me insight on what I could do and where I could turn. You may also find other "people" male & female that are in your situation. When you talk to others in the same boat... you truly do not feel alone and powerless. and yes... it does happen to many men, although men may not come out and admit it. link removed Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look: Does your partner: ignore your feelings? disrespect you? ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor? ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class? withhold approval, appreciation or affection? give you the silent treatment? walk away without answering you? criticize you, call you names, yell at you? humiliate you privately or in public? roll his or her eyes when you talk? give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family? make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well? seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get? tell you you are too sensitive? hurt you especially when you are down? seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason? present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders? "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you? try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes? complain about how badly you treat him or her? threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad? ever left you stranded? ever threaten to hurt you or your family? ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"? seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other? abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object? compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure? promise to never do something hurtful again? harass you about imagined affairs? manipulate you with lies and contradictions? destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances? drive like a road-rage junkie? act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence? interrupt you; hear but not really listen? make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't? use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then? incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame? try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?" frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding? treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel? Your situation is critical if the following applies to you You express your opinions less and less freely. You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something. You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge. You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior. You feel emotionally unsafe. You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship. You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding. You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality. You doubt your own judgment. You doubt your abilities. You feel vulnerable and insecure. You are becoming increasingly depressed. You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. You have been or are afraid of your partner. Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

Whewwwwwww...tough. Does she agree or see that what is happening to her is WRONG??? Her anxiety problems could be due to the situation she's in. You said she "HURRIDLY" married this man. Are we to assume she's pregnant and HAD to marry him????? That adds a level of complexity. does she have any other family or friends? Can she go to them? Its going to be difficult for you to get involved and her NOT to have some sort of HERO worship if she gets out of it. I would suggest to her.. that it is WRONG for this man to be PHYSICALLY abusing her. And if he's hurting her, he MAY hurt her child or future children. THESE situationos rarely getter better. They get worse. If she gets out.. she needs somewhere to go to. Friends. Family. Or a DV shelter. (Domestic violence) Actually.. the DV shelter should be the place she goes to. They can help her determine whether she is in a BAD situation if she talk to them and give her options.

NICE... I like this.. thank-you. OK... art of flirting.. pull up a chair and get a cup of tea. First of all.. I can understand you NOT feeling your very best and at top form. Been there done that.. BUT HE NOTICED YOU... you could have been wearing a potatoe sack and he wouldn't have noticed WHAT you were wearing.. he was looking at YOU. What you lack... is confidence in YOURSELF. And its times like these...that call for an enchanted spell and a bit of magic called... GLAMOUR. In Dr. Phill speak, BELIEVE in YOU. When he looked over at you accross the table and you felt that little .."hmmmm cute... he's kinda cute." thats when you smile. You offer a smile. thats it. Let your eyes light up and smile. When you were in the aisle with the books... OMG.. FATE FATE FATE that you should be in the same aisle. I would have hung back a little too... but when you saw he had 2 books that were obviously books you've read... THIS was a definite opening. You could have said.. "Hey.. those are good books. Are u doing a report? studying? I've read those and..... give your opiion" Its an opening to a conversation... and smile smile smile. When you asked him to reach for a psyche book for you... NICE MOVE... lol.. but there again.. opening to converse. HE needs to know you're gonna let him in. Guys worst FEAR is rejection. You have to open that door a little sweets. The rain... the walk home. yikes......love the way you write. You drew that picture for us very very nicely. He pulls up in a car next to you..... me??? I can assess a situation quickly..... the way you depicted it doesn't sound like it would have been a dangerous scenario... but you could have...... maybe laughed at his offer.. and said.. "I don't take rides with strangers sweetie..but thanks for the offer." BAM!!! there u have an opening to an introduction.. "My name is John Doe.. and I promise i'm not a serial rapist or stalker" Your line would have been with a grin... "I don't know, I've read that most serial rapist and stalkers hang out in the libraries on Saturdays"... you HAVE to say it with a smile... to which he would have added a quip... and you simply tell him... "I'll take my chances with the rain..mama always told me not to take riders home from strangers.... if your at the library NEXT Saturday, maybe we can get to know each other though.. " You leave an opening. And DO go to the library next Saturday. Your conversation sounded Confident with him, witty and you charmed him with your smile. Guys like confident girls. KNOW what you want... and WHO you are. I read your other posts... the reason those boys are with the other girls isn't so much that they PUT out. It's CONFIDENCE... those girls cultivate confidence and believing in themselves. I call it "GLAMOUR"... look into the mirror... don't be so darned critical of yourself. We are our own worst critics. I bet if you look in that mirror you'll see a gorgeous gorgeous woman who is about to blossem. Your smarts.. your intellect is the most beautiful aspect about any woman. don't let anyone tell you its anything other. Tis not. The rest is window dressing and icing. ANYONE can do that.

Awwww sweetie... (((( HUGS)))))) many many bright blessings to you. how can I help? by word or deed... you are never ever alone. You have a beautiful baby.. and you are a woman. We always always look after our own. YOU WILL BE OK. just a small speed bump on the road of life... nothing more. YOU WILL be OK.

What works for one woman doesn't work for the next. We're all built differently with different thresholds of sensory overload. For me... direct heavy pressure..in the beginning is SENSORY OVERLOAD. Hurts hurts hurts.. annoying actually. Before you get to touching down there... why don't you make sure there is TONZ of forplay. Kissing, hugging, touching elsewhere...etc. Make sure she is hot and wet before you get there. If you get there and she's not wet.. then back off and do something else for a while... go for sensual.. slow... don't jump the gun too fast. You wouldn't shift a Porche 911 into 5th gear right away would you??? the engine needs to warm up.. and thats how you get top performance.

I know what you mean... btdt and got the t-shirt. eeekkkk.. its frustrating. How about buying some books and having them lay out in the open.. there's a book on the market called... "she comes first" Ian Kerner The book is mostly geared for Cunninglus...but it explains to a guy the importance of.. and joys of...turning your partner on. How SEX can be so much more fufilling if you get her off...worth a guys time/effort 1000x fold. Having a book lying around could spur a conversation about how... he just isn't taking the time to... rev your engines. I know what you mean about being the one to constantly initiate AND THEN... you get the big brush off...or if you do rev his engines he takes his and leaves you cold. Talk about frustrated!!!!!! Yes, I would tell him about the masterbation... why not. Maybe he feels inadequate and doesn't KNOW what it takes to rev your engines... maybe he'd like to watch and learn. or you can go shopping together to a TOY store.. and this would open up and spur communication. There was recently a show on TV called.. "Sex inspectors" they had an episode depicting a couple who lived together. HE lost his libido.... she was constantly on the chase. Because she was constantly on the chase he lost his... manly man feeling to chase. The first step in their problem solving was both of them acknowledging there was a problem. And then the dr's that worked with them worked through a plan. They asked her to be less... aggressive. They taught her to tease tease tease again and that HUGS/KISSES.. don't always have to lead to sex. thereforeeee there was more build up for him... and the thrill of the chase and less pressure to perform.

NOPE... you're not alone on this one Hannahleh. A little bit of "pleasure pain" goes a long way. lol. I personally don't like to sport marks though after. Nice write up Shestosmart...