Shadows Light

awwwww sweeetieee...... (((( HUGS HUGS HUGS)))) You are a wonderful mother... and you will be and AWESOME mother... You've just got the post-partum blues... baby blues... post-partum depression... hormonal fluctuation. Are you getting breaks? are you sleeping when the baby sleeps? You need to eat. You are nursing.. you need to force yourself to eat. Eat small meals.. graze all day if you have to. And you need sleep. Do yourself a favor.. pick up that phone and call your OBGYN... tell her/him that you are not sleeping and can not eat. And go in to talk to them... don't wait for your 6 week check up. I had the baby blues and didn't know it. I was diagnosed at 6 weeks during my check-up. Doc asked me how the baby was and I started to blubber... "ohhhhh she's great..." all said through tears. lol. I can laugh now.. but honey I felt like you did. I wanted to be the BEST mother ever. I didn't want to mess up. Its ok... we all feel that way. My doc put me on a mild anti-depressant. And NO.. it does NOT screw with your milk production. You'll be ok. Truly you will be ok. Get help. Get sleep. Have a friend or family come over to let you nap. Sleep when the baby sleeps. And eat...graze. You will be fine. And smack your mother for me... YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER. did she really say those words????? ugggghhhhh. I'd like to give that lady a piece of my mind. She sounds like my mother in law. lol. She was a PEACH.... just let it go through one ear and out the other. I seriously think they are jealous.. because they think NO ONE can do it as WELL as they did. Don't sweat it darlin... they were nervous about it too. Just too proud to admit it.

I just sent a bit of good magic your way. Cause YOu are so worth it.

Sweets... I know what you mean. I talked and talked and talked to friends and family before they finally.. couldn't fathom anymore. Its not that they don't love you or care... its just that they see you spinning your wheels and there "IS" no answer for what ails you. I've learned that if I need to vent, dump, and hear myself talk so I can think my way through it.. I've gotta do it here.. or other forums.. or even go to a counselor. (someone paid to listen to me.. lol.) You are not ugly... You are beautiful to many people and to a special someone still out there waiting to meet you. Your boobs are not way to small... to someone they might be "just right".. and one day be described as " the most exquisite champaigne glass to drink from." So quit beating yourself up and taking it personally. There's a cool book you might want to look at... its called "The Four Agreements"... talks about taking things personally.

Sometimes in a long term relationship.. ie marriage. MINE. I could tell my X.. and tell my X.. and tell my X.. and nothing. All the arguments.. and all the BS.. and in the end.. he did the same thing.. "WHY.. why why why" :splat: and how do you go through that again... all of it. He wasn't receptive to it... and even in the end when I was telling him WHY..he didn't HEAR me. I'll bet you dimes to donuts if you asked him WHY today.. he'd tell you he had no clue or.. he'd lay all the blame at my feet. shhhessh. IT WAS ME. A friend of mine said to me.. "You are going to get very upset but it truly WAS your fault." How? "You put up with things for so long, you allowed things to go on and on and on..." not really, I did the counseling thing with him, I'd read every book written on saving my relationship.... I tried to stop it.. what was I supposed to do.. stick him in the corner and ground him like a child. and he said..."Its your fault because you are the one that changed. YOU finally said... I can't live with this.. or live with that... YOU changed. He has not changed one iota since you left has he?" NOPE. Sooo... I guess it was me. Did he love me??? Yeah.... he says he does.. or did... so who am I to negate his feelings. I was the one who didn't want to subcribe to his BRAND of love anymore. It wasn't for me. So in the end... IT really was me.

See what I mean Ballplaya...you "can" write your own script and run the your show. You give.. and you get. Cultivate that sense of humor and charm... a smile is irresistible to resist.. lol. Its contagious. I agree with Hazy Amber.. respect should be reciprical. People have a tendency to drop their masks when they get home behind closed doors. Husbands will disrespect wives and visa versa... Parents disrespect kids because they forget they are Young versions of themselves. People have bad days all the time.. and we usually take it out on those nearest and dearest. With my kids.. I tell them.. "Mama had a really bad day at work today." and yes.. I have appologized to my kids when I was overly harsh. Why??? it shows them I am human and I have faults. And even "I" the goddess in the home need to keep it in check. lol. When you correct your mom... do it in a loving way.... you may want to acknowledge that you heard her... "I hear what your saying mom. Can you just not yell it at me but tell me." and you might acknowledge how her day was...ask her.. "How was your day today mom?" "How was work today" if she tells you she had a bad day... you may want to acknowledge it... "I'm sorry you had a bad day mom... can I get you a cup of tea." It shows that you care and you are trying to be understanding. I ask my kids everyday how their day was.. and what they did that day. I tell them that I missed them. Sometimes I pick up the phone at work and call them to tell them I miss them. And guess what...?? they are learning to ask me about my day. They are learning to take care of me too. It works both ways. BTW.... lol. You may watch your sisters back too. You guys are in this together. Not everyday will be sunshine sweets.... but it can be.

Markfrommark... The annulment she may be referring to is a "CHURCH" annulment. In the Catholic faith they are still married in the eyes of God and Church even though they've gotten a Civil Divorce Decree. It used to be tough getting a church anullment.. but now and days I hear all it takes is a ton of paper work and some green-backs. You can not remarry in the Catholic Church until you've received an annullment.. or your spouse keels over. Thank-you for your candor too regarding your feelings on Divorce from your wife. To the OP...I getcha GF. I think I would feel the same way. You are YOUNG and you don't have a family yet... or children. So yes, you do deserve it. Everyone deserves it. Once. lol. I'm divorced... I've had all the kids I will have. I'm done. So, I'm not bent on the marriage part of it. HEII NO. Having gone through the pitts of heII.... I loathe to step into that fire with .. ANYONE... don't care if they were RIchard Gere... lol. HOWEVER... I so understand what you are saying about his WISHY WASHY attitude with his "X"... I don't know how you were able to forgive him after he tried to sit his BUTT on two chairs and even jump ship on you. And to what??? BACK to her??? ohhhhh thats rich. I'd rather that he found someone else or I was jealous of someone else than his "X"... lol. So yeah.. I hear ya. Take your time... Think it through. And do what is BEST for you. Sometimes.. yes, you can love someone very much.. but if they don't fit..or you have all this uncertainty .. then you need to walk away. I don't think your guy disconnected. He may be 2 years out..but he had never fully disengaged emotionally. He's divorced on paper.. but emotionally, he's still married. And thats the hardest divorce to make. Its personal.. and its internal. Your guy still has hopes.

STOP. You are assuming. Talk to him about it. I signed onto a dating site recently. And I was seeing someone. But it wasn't so I can catch a date!!! A friend of mine told me they had recently signed on there and talked to me about a few dates they had. They said they put their pix up. I was "CURIOUS" to see which picture they put up... and how they described themselves. THATS IT. THEN.. with more time to burn than sense... I wanted to see how the site worked. So yeah... I pulled all the guys within a certain age range in a 70 mile radius, and I filtered it by some of the qualities that I would want. JUST TO SEE what was out there. and .. EWWWW... lol. My point is... I was NOT hunting. So..... I'd say talk to him about it and monitor him if you have to. And NO.. I wouldn't play the "You've got mail" game with him. Its trite. It could be that he was just.. .curious. IT could be that one of his friends is on there... whatever. You don't have enough data to make an analysis.

Comment on a post...... ON THIS...I can agree. I'm a single mom. Financial Hardship??? I'm doing it. Help??? I did it all before..what changed? Sharing achievements.....he didn't care then...and he doesn't seem to care now. I send a long email once a month on what the kids are doing, what they did in school, funny things they said or did, what books they are reading, what things they like, music preferences, places they've been to... whatever..just to make sure he's current. What do I get in return??? RADIO SILENCE. Not a peep. Not a question. Nada. Nothing. Absolutely no input, no comment. eeekkk... this is a hi-jack isn't it.. lol. LOOK.... Having children is the most WONDEFUL thing in the world. I wouldn't give them up or change anything. My only regret... is not having a stronger marriage. Not having a husband who was 100% committed toward marriage and family. Not because its not doable... it just a greater challenge. Would we have survived had we NOT had children. Most probably not. We probably lasted a few years longer because of them. The previous poster listed WORKING at her marriage. Both her and her husband are working it. Not just one. It doesn't work with only ONE nurturing the marriage. It takes two.

ewwwwww touchy touchy artist we are. The style reminds me of a friend of mine. He writes... wrote.... poetry to me all the time. Your poem touched me very much...on a personal level. Not only because of the style...but the choice of words "FITS" the situations that I am in. Beyond that... I can't comment. Its too personal. Suffice to say... I found it a good poem, because it spoke to me personally. And that... is what GREAT writing and poetry is all about, when the reader can make it their own. You savvy??

Bless me father for I have sinned.... and I'm a coward. I'll just go scurry off in my corner now. OP... I understand you are angry with him. Did he offer you any reason for the break-up?? even in his email? Have you been on the outs before with him... like a series of mini break-ups etc??? and he just couldn't stand to be sucked back in or hoovered. Be Angry... its a good thing. It means you are well on the way through the grieving process.

P.S... and if she calls you everyday and tells you that she loves you... then she's still keeping the door open. Take it for what its worth. She needs her space. And you need to do what you can to come to terms with your emotional well being.

Are you or have you been to counseling yet???? If not... I think it may help. I'd have trust issues too hon if I found out my S.O.. messed around on my B-day.. in my bed..and had the audacity to video it. EEEEK.. who wouldn't. Did you allow yourself time..... time to heal from the previous relationship prior to getting involved with your girl-friend???? I heard you say.. she is your constant. She calms you down. She helps you deal with all of your issues. THIS is a huge huge responsibility to lay on someones doorstep. She may be ILL equiped to know how to deal with it. Its a downer hon.. and a huge burden. She can't fix you.. only you can fix you. She can LOVE you... and she can SHARE her life with you... but she can't fix everything for you. Or be your SOLE source of emotional support. You'll suck her dry like an emotional vampire... and I know.. you don't mean it that way. And I know you probably don't even realize you are doing it. The self-mutilation in front of her... when she tried to break-up... ohhhh lordy.. you are manipulating her. You are trying to control her.. to get her to do what you want. THAT is going to make her run the other way. No one wants or needs that kind of guilt trip on them. Love or no love... its too much. YOU need to work on your TRUST issues.. and your abandonment issues out with a Therapist... or else you will keep repeating the cycle again.. and again.. as you have pointed out there have been lots of girls who've turned tail and run. You are probably a wonderful beautiful and worth while soul. You are probably all that and more. But these deeper issues that are playing ping-pong in your head... are huge red flags for a woman to run the other way. My advice to you would be to get yourself help. Go to counseling. Go through therapy... and try to resolve these issues, outside of the context of a relationship.

HEY.. thanx for the compliment!! and I was speaking entirely from experience. His sister is most probably doing the same thing. Teens are notoriously... self-centered. So its every man for himself. NO OFFENCE.. poster.. but its fact. And yes.. there is tonz of rewiring going on up in your head.. and the hormones are pinging like CRAZY. There are many parents who will swear that their teen changed over night like someone flicking a light switch. They will swear that ALIENS abducted their beautiful complacent child and switched it with this... TEEN. A teens job.. is too push the envelope.... it happens because they are starting to move away from the nest. If you are smart about how you push the envelope... and take the path of least resistance... you will get your way. YOU GIVE...and YOU WILL GET... simple math sweets. There are a few things in play here. YOU and your growth. And your mothers changes. I will bet MONEY that she is going through her own developmental changes. And.. guess what... it will cause you both to think each is speaking a foreign language. I thought about you on my drive home tonight. Seriously. I wish I could reach out and give you a (((HUG)))).. because reading between the lines here... you need moms love, you need moms reassurance, and you need moms hugs... don'tcha??? You are at that stage of development where... you are NOT a child anymore...but you are NOT an adult either. But ... you are getting there. And mom.. may be missing a beat because.. some of those same hormones are pinging through her head.. she's lost and doesn't have patience at the moment. So.... lets call the play here darlin... you run the show. All parents want from there kids are a few simple things. They want you to get good grades.. the best you can muster. Try.. show her you are trying your damnedest.... and they want you to show them you are being responsible. Follow the rules... and.. help around the house. A parents job in raising a child.. is to make sure they are ready and equiped to LIVE on their own when the time comes. You show them your are responsible... and you've written your own ticket my friend. No more whining... I hate when my kid whines. No more complaining... I'd rather you came to me with solutions rather than complaints, shows me you thought it through. And yeah.. turn on that CHARM.. and Shmooze me to death... and I'm putty in your hands. Your mother loves you sweets.... the way you descrived the rest of your family and how cool your dad is... I'm sure.. MOM loves you. ohhh yeah.. I lose my cool with my kids.. and I'll wish them to SIBERIA... lol. But I love my children. My turbulant years with my mom started at age... 12-13... and they ended at age... 15. HOW? I figured out what she wanted. or else my hormones got back under control.. dunno which. But what she wanted and needed to see was that I could THINK. That I could make the right decisions. That I KNEW.. drugs were wrong.. and having sex at that age was wrong.. etc etc. And the rest... I just shmoozed her.. and did what made her happy. And guess what.. in retro-spect.. which one of us shmoozed who??? we both got what we wanted. It was a WIN-WIN situation. You go into battle with your mother.. and you will get a battle. So... please please have fun. Enjoy that fun family of yours. And.. cut mom some slack. Cut your sister some slack. I think SIS loves the attention on you... that way MOM doesn't pay attention to what she does.. lol. A 3.9 she may be darlin... but she's still a TEEN.

OHH.. Eureka.... Now I know... it was because I changed football teams.. I became a STEELERS FAN... that did it.. lol... not really.. but it was the icing on the cake. For whatever reason, he could not fathom.. me rooting for any other sports team than the one he roots for.

Ok.. I'll go out on a limb here. I have many male friends. At my place of business and in my personal life. "FRIENDS" and we do share lunch, and we do go out for coffee... and as friends we do share intimate parts of our lives.. such as our personal whoa's. BUT.. that doesn't mean that I am going to hop into thier beds or want THAT from them. Attraction. You can be married and attracted to people. It doesn't shut off simply because you are married. And yes.... doesn't everyone still wanted or like to know that they are marketable... or.. still got it?? Not because they are looking for soemthing new per se. You can be attracted... but you also know "SELF CONTROL"... and that self control says.. no no no. You don't just... act on your impulses or your natural instincts. If people acted on impulses more often there'd be alot more crime and violence. JUST because a woman is friends with you.. doesn't mean she wants to BED YOU. That is NOT how we are wired. I have male friends. And I enjoy hearing the male perspective on things. I have run my issues past my male friends.. to ASK for their take on it.. yes. They see things a little differently than my GF's do. Soooo maybe your imagination is playing over time with you. And maybe she does just mean this as a friendship.. because you appear to be a cool dude yourself. How is your marriage at home by the way??? Everything ok?? if not... you need to be analyzing THAT.. to see how you might fix it.

Psssss.... and HAVE FUN DOING IT. There's nothing funner and better to do than to turn the tables on someone. If they are mean to you. You be nice to them. Again.. and again..and again.. UNTIL they get it. And they do get it eventually. Just stick with it. And your sister... its not just because she's older. She's just figured your mother out and how to charm her. Really!!!! When I was a teen... I figured out how to "WORK" my parents. And I worked it. I figured out if I do what I need to do.. go to school, get good grades, and help around ALOT ALOT around the house.... then I get freedom. By the time I was 18... I "WAS" the housekeeper, cooked, cleaned and ran errands. GUESS WHAT??? I also got the car when ever I wanted, I also wasn't restricted on curfew, and I also got money (within reason) when ever I needed it. It was a case of "You scratch my back... and I'll scratch yours."

A good idea. BUT.. you have to keep doing it. YOU DON"T stop being nice. If she continues to be mean... you just continue to be nice. Why not do the dishes when she didn't ask. or .. running the vaccum when you are not told. Cleaning the bathroom.. when its not your turn. The first thing that will happen ... is that she will take your temperature to make sure you don't have a fever. The second thing she will do is become suspicious.... wondering what you did...that you feel guilty about. Then... she will watch you.. and watch you... and watch you. Your sister however may also go through all these questions and start scratching her head. And.. ALL you do.. is continue.. to do nice things.. and say nice things... to your mom.... You make "MOM" your pet project... make her a cup of coffee.. anticipate her needs.. find ways to go out of your way for her. She can hardly find fault with that. YOU need to bridge the gap with her in some way shape or form is THIS will conitnue ad nauseum. BE the bigger person and BRIDGE the gap. Find ways to get on moms good side... SHMOOZE HER..... Believe me.. the art of SHMOOZING and SHMOOZING well will be a great benefit to you for the rest of your working career. lol. HEY... did you ever watch the movie.. FERRIS BUELLERS DAY OFF ???? Now there is a great movie to watch about how a young man.. Charms the pants off of everyone around him. Instead of crying about someone pee'ing in your wheaties ...... do sometihng positive about it.

HOLY CRAP BATMAN.... You could give Speilburg a run for his money But he is right... the tangled web of BS.. you don't want. Step away from this situation NOW.

I loved this poem... It spoke to me in many ways.. thanx...

You are already interested... thats why you are here questioning. I think only she would be able to answer these questions you have. You need to be careful with your boundaries because this is a "slippery slope" of intimacy. And yes.... she may very well be confused by.. what she's feeling in your company. If her company makes you feel "Uncomfortable" that you may compromise yourself and your marriage.. you may want to find some distance between the two of you. Meaning... go out of your way to put as much distance between the both of you as possible.

Good Plan. Just don't... overly sugar coat it. One of the things your wife will look for is how genuiine you are. And if changes you are making are sustainable. Lots of times people revert to what was ... comfortable. You might want to look for relationship books. Try Dr. Phil.. relationship rescue. I read it... but it had been too late. Actually I could probably stand to read it again right now.. lol. He's got a nice writing style that is not at all intimidating and he's down to earth. So you were 50% of the time successful on getting her to go on the dates??? i'd say those are great numbers. Have you figured out WHY you were unsuccessful the other 50% of the time. When you planned these dates... who took care of finding a baby sitter??? THAT is a huge chore... and one that is left lots of times to ... MOM. I'll admit I may have been more responsive had Mr. Evil...taken on that responsibility. lol. How about giving your wife a break. Tell her to go out with her girlfriends and you stay home and baby sit. ORRR... buy her a DAY AT THE SPA.. and let her go without worrying about the kids. Have you tried going away to a bed-n-breakfast for the weekend? and overnight stay at a HOTEL as a date??? again.. pre-arrange for the babysitter. Good-luck to you.

LOL.... good question. You "BOTH" need to work at it. It doesn't work if only one of you is working at the relationship. "Children make a good marriage better and make a bad marriage worse." Its not the children who make it worse.. its just that your children need a lot of attention... and any issues there are in a marriage will become glaringly visible once kids come along. But its not a reason NOT to have children. Having a child is the greatest GIFT you can ever hope to receive. And the love you have for your children... IS .. different from the love you ahve for your mate. My kids like to ask me who I love more or the best... and I tell them there's a lot of love in my heart for both of them. One of my children thought they couldn't love their dad since they loved me. And I told them... you have enough LOVE in your heart to love many people. The answer to your question is that YOU WORK AT IT. A couple can lose sight of each other EVEN if there are no children involved. Some people become complacent after a while. Thinking they don't have to try anymore. For instance... my "X" didn't think he needed to give me compliments or wine me and dine me anymore. He didn't think I needed attention from him.. cause we were married and I should KNOW he loved me. Yeah.. right. ME.. on the other hand, I may not have dressed up at home anymore. I might be comfortable in my baggy raggy old sweat-pants and a T-shirt in front of him. But you'd see me scrambling for the shower if we were to go somewhere.... or we had company?? why is that?? we forget.. or we don't think.. that these things are important anymore because we take each other for granted. Instead of please and thank-you we grunt. Dr. Phil quoted that there are certain ways we act in front of our friends and treat our friends.. and yet, we can treat our husbands or wives disrespectfuly. The only difference between a friendship and a marriage is what?? the level of intimacy. So here you have.. someone that is supposed to be your best friend in the whole world... so much so that you are intimate with them. And you treat each other without respect. You wouldn't treat your best friend that way... or allow them to treat you that way.. why do it to your spouse??? Its because we FORGET. We grow complacent and comfortable and we FORGET to WORK at the relationship. EVERY SINGLE DAY.. WITH EVERY SINGLE BREATH.

First things first.... What can you do? You need a job... you need money to survive? If you went out to find a job... what would you do for child care? Think of some of the options regarding work. Do you have a high-school diploma or equivalent GED??? MAYBE... you could start by trying to figure out how to get that taken care of if you do not already have it. Contact your local HIGH SCHOOL.. and ask for the guidance couselor. You NEED not going into a littany about your personal problems just tell them you need to complete your GED. Work. Well....with no experience you will need an entry level position. You can look for work in retail. Or Clerical work if you have typing capabilities. You could contact your local unemployment office... they do hold mini seminars to help people figure out WHAT they are good at or where they would fit with the skills they have. Cleaning houses, Clerical, Retail, Factory work, School Cafeteria, or.... how about local NURSING HOMES.. they are always looking for people willing and able to work. You may not want to jump on this DIVORCE band-wagon until you get the BASICS in place. And that is work. If you tell your husband that you are trying to educate yourself or.. employ yourself so that you can later leave. Forget about it. He'll lay obstacles in your way to make it more difficult. He does't want to lose a good thing darlin... and he'll find a way to hold you back. Go to counseling for YOU.... and concentrate on getting employed. THAT should help you gain confidence in yourself and change ths mix enough that ... maybe, just maybe, something changes at home. You never know. Divorce.. is very very painful. And not something you want to contemplate blindly and without a lot of thought and planning. And the AFFAIR thing....... DON'T.... its not the answer or the panacea or cure all for you. The reason you and the "emotional" lover get along great is because its NEW.... and you don't share the day to day hardships a normal relationship goes through.

Now I love that Godiva Chocolates vs. Snickers Bar analogy... Too true... lol.

I concur with DN... Make sure you know your rights so you can continue to Father your children. The realities of divorce will soon over whelm her. It is easy to say.. "I want a divorce" but once you jump into that realm... its ohhhh so painful. I wonder if she's not suffering from Depression? or Post Partum? To hear that you are helping her with the home and the children so she is NOT overwhelmed is great. THAT is half the battle for a mom with small kids. And if she's working outside the home... whoooaaa nelly. Its a lot to juggle if your mate doesn't lend a helping hand. Your Anger. Being on the recieving end of being screamed at... or hearing a frustrated man bellow is pretty darned frightening. My children are little... and to very small children, YOU are a giant. I to this day remember my "GIANT" dad and when he bellowed. And when I had children of my own... it made me more sensitive to what was going on. My children would shake in fear when their dad yelled. My "X" would lose control and break things. You never knew.. WHEN it would happen. This behavior SCARS people. Look at me.... I'm a grown woman with kids.. and I STILL remember the fear I had of my dad going off. Have you thought about ANGER MANAGEMENT training for you. THIS is not ALL on you. or all your fault. So don't start taking ownership of the whole BLAME PIE. She's got 50% of this on her shoulders. If I can give you ANY ANY ANY advice it would be... continue with counseling. Marital counseling.. or counseling on your own. If she wants you OUT of the house.. consider a SEPARATION. Move out but close enough for the kids. Create GROUND rules... for the kids sake on visitations and respecting each others space and time. Don't get angry and feed the dragon. Throwing anger on to this fire will only make it get bigger and she'll run the other way. While you are separated.. can you "DATE" each other. Go out casually but NOT talk about the relationship or the state of affairs. If she wants to LEAVE this relationship... there is NOTHING you can do to stop her. But you could make it as amicable as possible. Also... if its a divorce you are going for... please see if you can do it amicably without LAWYERS. The sharks will EAT all of your savings and equity you have in that home.