Shadows Light

No... I don't think so. Its been over 2 years for me. And I just started having them. Grin... I well remember your break-up story. You and I went over the river styx and through the pitts of heII and dispair. It might be that there was so much pain associated with the break up that your BRAIN simply shut her off in dream land. Mine might have returned to me recently because maybe I'm ready to face those DEMONS head on even in my dream state without feeling hurt or afraid. dunno.

Renaisance.... I have a good friend who I love very much. They would also benefit from going to counseling and embracing it. They are sapping my energy by using me as an emotional life raft, as I've my own emotional goop to work through. Go to counseling and work your issues with a trained professional. You will have learned to LIVE a fuller and happier life for it.

And THAT... is what may be at the CORE of all your anxiety. We are all afraid of looking at the mirror...but sometimes for growth to occur.. we have to face ourselves first and be RIGHT with ourselves before we can face the world. See... you can pinpoint your fear... THAT is half the battle. Now all you need is to work with a good therapist and find a good game plan on how to "face your demons head on". As I recall.. you were quite excited about your move. And you looked at it with some excitement and wanted to "embrace" the change. But it wasn't just the "MOVE" to a new local and a new job that you needed, was it????? its more. Your issues will follow you where ever you go unless you learn to face them. Own up to them. I know its a scary proposition... and it takes bravery and courage to do it. But LOOK at how much courage and bravery you had to uproot and to MOVE... there are tonz of people who could never accomplish that feat.. and you did it !!!!! You can do this to... take it one step at a time. Baby steps. Pick up that phone and make an appointment. And then just take small steps toward your goal.

Poor choice of words on her part. And I'll have to agree with.. that "just kidding" there's always a kernal or grain of truth. Trot your butt over to your local book store and buy yourself a copy of "she comes first" maybe.. even pick her up the companion copy of "he comes next." Educate yourself in the world of ERO's. Womens bodies are different from mens... we take a "whole" heck of a lot of stimulation to get there..on average about 20 minutes. (AVERAGE) and men on average 3 minutes. Hardly fair is it???? Now should I be condemned because thats the way my body operates? Nope. If you are gonna drive a PORCHE 911.........get the owners manual out and LEARN how to drive it properly. If you are gonna buy yourself a sports car.. why not get your money's worth and learn what makes that car tick.. and hug the corners.. and what makes it so special no???? Yes.. sexual relations are about give and take. And I'm a giver..but I'll be darned if I"m gonna give give give... and not get get get. Selfish??? YEP.. to the core. Giving??? yeah.. and I get a lot out of rocking your world too. Blowjobs.... not everyone hates giving blowjobs. A person can learn to love to give them too... its personal preferance; i can get into a long diseration about the importance of hygeine and nutrition and attitude that makes a world of difference. But thats all spelled out on those said THREADS. Your GF chose her words without thought. But then again.. how do you broach the subject and tell your lover that ... uuuu hhhmmmm you just arn't hitting the mark darlin.. without them going all defensive and hurt.

renaissancewoman101 Meds do help somewhat.. but they only help in conjunction with a good therapist. What also helps is the "willingness" to change. You have to go into therapy with an open heart and an open mind. I've done the therapy/meds combination a few times... and I did not "LISTEN".. was much like you, kept asking for help but did not, would not take the advice that was given to me or work the solution. As with anything else you have to go into it with the "WILLINGNESS" to want the change and want the help. and that means.. active Listening and work.

WHOOOOOO NELLIE.... You didn't mention you've had bouts of ANOREXIA... or that you are dealing with Epilepsy issues. Anorexia is usually about "control"... can't control one area of your life so then you transfer it to something you think you can.. Intake of nutrition. Again... I'll reitterate what I've said above. Education. You need to educate yourself on how a human body operates in terms of good health and nutrition. What you take into your body runs the engine and determines how well the mechanics of your body works. I ride a Harley... it costs a lot of money and I want to keep my investment. Soooo... I've learned about proper maintenance and upkeep. I'll maintain that investment and only put in quality gas and quality oil. make sense??? You should look at your body the same way... proper maintenance and up keep will keep you running smoothly and give you many more years to enjoy VACATIONS as you mentioned in the above link and all else that life has to offer.

LOL... I had a little giggle when I read your post, because darlin.. you are all of 17 according to your description. HAPPY Belated Birthday if you've passed that mark. I agree with you. There is a general decline in teens. But.. on the other hand I bed every generation can say that. You know the drill, "when I was your age.. I walked to school 5 miles barefoot, up hill both ways, rain, sleet and snow" I agree with your that there seems to be a general slothfullness amongst the youth of today. As well as a lack of manners and ill respect for thier elders. There is a lack of accountability and responsibility amongst our youth... and that wills show itself in spades once they reach the work force. You'll be surprised at how many young people come into the work force with these HUGE expectations of something for nothing. I think you did the right thing. There is nothing that makes me angrier than someone sponging off me or trying to get a free ride off "MY" blood sweat and tears. I'll lend anyone a helping hand or a smoke. But as the saying goes.. "God helps those who help themselves." I cut people off at the knee's if I smell a mooch. Smokes included !!! I recently switched to a menthol brand of ciggarette because... I can.. and I have a friend who doesn't GET IT.

I did read this story. And didn't he also gain weight from the predizone he was placed on after his heart attack???? I did read that he his blood test from autopsy came back that he was within "NORMAL" limits as far as cholesterol goes. And yes... I know a few people who have had heart attacks who were on the THIN side. Heart attacks don't just come from obesity.. but also from life style choices. Smoking, drinking, high stress, heart defects.. etc.

Thats a tough one V. we all carry our histories with us. I'm guilty as charged and have to work really hard to not "transfer" my issues with "X" onto someone else. How long did you wait to get involved with your present wife? Did you give yourself time to heal properly and work through the grief process? Did you attend any sort of counseling for yourself or a divorce recovery program? You stated in a few places in your post.. "28 years... 28 years.. 28 years of work.. down the tubes." Not necesarrily. Don't throw away the baby with the wash water. You had a lot of great memories and learnings from your 28 years spent together. The fact that she had an affair... or was drawn outside of the marriage. Sounds like something wasn't working somewhere... at least not from her side of it. Instead of "working" the relationship and solving whatever it was that was disatisfying her... she went for the shiney new glitz and found out... painfully probably.. that all that glitters is not gold. Had you gone back to her when she discovered she'd f'd up... doesn't mean it would have all been ok... you'd both have a lot of work to change whatever it was that shot her off in that direction. I don't think you are over the pain and hurt yet. DO you???? Have you discussed any of this with your present wife??? or are you tossing it around in your own head and trying to deal with it on your own??? I'd suggest you talk to her about it. Go seek counseling for yourself to come to terms with your loss of your former wife. Try finding a divorce recovery program. In the mean time... keep yourself busy. Find a hobby or something that interests you to take you away from... TOO MUCH introspective thought. Too much of it is NOT a good thing either. Maybe limit yourself to 30 minutes pondering about it... and then >> CLICK Retiring at 45??? WOW.. awesome. Ok.. you've got the brains and the hootzbah... do it all over again. This time.. bigger and better and more fufilling. Or teach someone else how you did it.

TRUE!!!! What I did was cut out all of these simple sugars for a time. Adding them back in moderation. And thats the ticket to everything isn't it... MODERATION. I did find that I had more energy if I moderated simple sugar intake. Instead of dumping it in, riding through the sugar rush.. .and then crashing and burning at the end of it. There's a restaurant near me that has the most delicious out of this world.. Chocolate fudge cake... OMG!!!! now how can I deny myself that luxury. Well... a way around it is.. I get that piece of rich rich cake. And I share it with 3 of my friends. We each get a fork... and dig in. And we all feel good about it.

YEP.. thats why my doctor laughed at me and called it a modified ATKINS diet. I think the ATKINS diet by itself is probably quite dangerous. His premise is that we are primarily "carnivores". Maybe at one time we were... but then again.. people only lived till the ripe old age of 30, if that. My parents come from Europe and they were raised in a farming community. The diet they subsisted on... is GREASE laden. And yet.. when I visted that country and their village, it is RARE to see any obese people. WHY??? because of their life style. They walk or bike everywhere. They are used to hard physical labor. And hence the condenced "FAT" Calories they took in.. are burned off quickly. When they came to this country... they tried to keep the same diet. IMPOSSIBLE. Both gained a tremendous amount of weight. Why??? lack of physcial activity.. instead of burning off their intake, they were storing it. Its very difficult to change a habit. And that is what needs to be done. A fast "fad" diet is not going to do it for you... its LIFE STYLE changes that are sustaining and keep you fit and trim. Everyones body chemistry is different. I don't think there is a "One diet" that fits all out there. I know a women that went on a near starvation diet and didn't lose anything. Finally through diligence and research... she found that she was alergic to "SOY". There are alot of diets out there that recommend switiching from natural Proteins to SOY. On further research she found that there are trace amounts of SOY in just about everything that is man made. My suggestion to the poster is.... If you have the time and inclination. Take a nutrition and health class at your local college. Read as much as you can health and nutrition and then closely examine your lifestyle. Taylor your nutritional intake to your lifestyle.

BTW... I lived with a man who was very very very jealous of my 1st Love. If we saw this man at a social function or anyone mentioned his name... I knew I had to walk on egg shells. During the 18 years we were together.. .his friends became my friends. "MY" friends slowly fell off the plate for one reason or another. He said my "judgemenet" in friends was faulty. It took me a long time to realize what had happened. He controlled me. Controlled who came into my life and who I socialized with. During the last holocaust days of our marriage.. while we were trying to resurrect the darn thing. He wanted me to quit my job. Why??? you guessed it. Less contact with the outside world. He said that the "friends" that I had cultivate through my work.. were NOT really friends but colleagues... For a person who works 60 hours a week.. takes care of home, children and husband.. "WHEN & WHERE" would I be able to make friends but at work.. NO???? The moment I had broken through my SHELL... and started growing as a "person" again... is when things started to really shake & quake in my marriage. It wasn't about TRUST... obviously there wasn't any. It was about "CONTROL". Just a little back-ground from where I pull my opinions... Communication and Trust are very very very important in a relationship. Nurture it.. cultivate it... and make it grow. Seeking counseling outside of the marriage is probably one of the smartest things you can do. If one person has a problem.. you both have a problem. WORK to come to a resolution that is amicable together.

True.. this does have a negative connotation to it. Maybe she's a very social person and you are not. Maybe you want to be the "central" and only focus of her life. It may back-fire on you. She sounds like an independent soul... if you try to clip her wings, you'll lose. You were attracted to her in the first place for many reasons. Might her independance and her social life be one of those. Maybe your wish to be more like her. Or have the ability to culitivate friendships the way she does? I'm just taking a paint brush and trying to broaden the scope of this picture.. so forgive me if i am reading into it. Look.. I'm a fairly intelligent and beautiful woman. I'm not shy in the least and I am very social. I love me the way I am. Are people going to be attracted to me like moths to a flame???? SURE THING... its normal. Its natural and part of human nature. But I am the one who controls "ME" and who gets close to me and how close they get to me. If I chose you to be in my life... then I'd expect some lattitude and a lot of trust. If you want to get on my surf board and ride the waves with me... you'd better be prepared to hang on. Don't need an anchor... don't need any drag. As a social creature.... I really would have a problem with someone trying to clip my wings due to thier own insecurities. Marriage to me is the "sharing" of our lives, being the living breathing witness to testify that the other has lived a full life. Marriage is not about hindering the other persons journey, corralling them and stiffling the other persons life. Its about "SHARING" the journey together. You have your friends and life... and I have mine. In the middle somewhere we meet and share that life.

Well.. I'd say she's learned to be "FRIENDS" and I'd take it as a compliment that she see's you not only as a partner and lover... but as a Friend. Shouldn't you be able to tell your "best friend" everything???? The both of you might need to work on this together. Seek out a 3rd party counselor to help you sort through it. I see so many couples let little things grow into big ones... when all they had to do was go to a counselor and work out their small issues before they grew into raging dragons. She should be able to share her feelings and all of her history with you. That means she "TRUSTS" you.

I've read the ATKINS diet... and couldn't really adhere to it 100%. My diet was what I would call... and adapted version of ATKINS. As I recall... ATKINS recommends staying on his HIGH PROTEIN diet for 14 days. And then slowly adding carbs back into the diet. I stayed on it for 10. I didn't do the greasy foods. I stayed away from bacon for 2 weeks. I cut all carbs and sugars out for 10 days. I drank water instead of soda (160 cals for a 12oz can). And I increased my excersise incrementally. The proteins I stuck with I boiled, broiled or grilled. Fast food.. I tried to stay away from. If I bought a cheeseburgar.. I dispensed with the bread. Staying away from Carbs... such as muffins, donuts, chocolate, bagels... helped imensely. I jump started my diet you can say. And after 10 days.. slowly started adding healthier carbs in my diet. Fruits and Vegi's. If you try to adhere to a strict ATKINS diet... you'll note some of the problems listed above. Gassiness, bloatiness, constipation. And when the smell of KEYTONE break-down eminating from your pores and your breath. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. ATKINS will tell you it is.. I don't buy into it. You are not just breaking down fat cells but good cells as well. Not good. Excersise.. Excersise.. Excersise. Very important. Just don't overdo it... a walk 3 times a week would do it. Drink plenty of water and keep yourself hydrated. Your skin will love you for it. And portion control.... we've become a nation of SUPER SIZER'S... and getting the most bang for our buck. Eat slowly... chew and savor your meals... and know that you do NOT need to eat that whole WHOPPER and that BIGGIE SIZED FRIE'S. Push yourself away from the table.

Well at 51 years old you can hardly expect her to come to you without baggage, just as you have brought your own baggage into this marriage. You said that you "TRUST" her and yet you don't trust her "X's" or her friends. Do you really trust her then???? She's been evasive on a few occasions to protect you from heading down this slippery slope of Jealousy. If you continue down this slippery slope... you just may turn her "OFF".. jealousy is not a very attractive quaility in a mate. She's been "alone" for the most part for 51 years. The fact that she finally chose YOU to enter into marriage with says a lot about her. However, do not mistake it for one second.... she is very comfortable on her own. OWN THIS... this is you own insecurity. I suggest you go see a counselor to bounce this off of a proffessional. Maybe in time your wife can go with you and you can work out some sort of compromise or understanding. Without it.. you'll stay on this "Hamster wheel" and keep spinning your wheels... TRUST.... is a very important to the foundation of your marriage.

Does the idea of PO*RN itself bother you??? Maybe he kept these things from you because he knows you don't like it. PO*RN doesn't bother me, nor does goinig to strip clubs. I'm ok with it. What bothered me was his excessive use of PO*RN and I was not reaping "ANY" of the benefits from it. Your "H" kept this from you purposefully. I can see why you would be upset and why you are questioning what else he lied about. PROSTITUTES!!!! That definitely sends out RED FLAGS and all sorts of SIRENS for me. Especially in this day and age of silent STD's that you end up carrying around like luggage for the rest of your life. Has he ever been tested??? would it even be worth while to ask him and trust his answer? You really have a break in communication and trust here. This has to be addressed NOW...if you want a successful relationship. Seek marriage counseling and see if a 3rd impartial party can help you sort this out.

Weird: I usually don't dream about my "X".... .I can't remember when I last time I dreamt about him. HOWEVER.... Just last night I had a dream about him. His car was parked along side a freeway exit. And it was dirty and dusty. There was a messaged written on the dirty surface of the car. It was for the "Movers"... apparently he was moving somewhere. The car(In real life) , I know is not operational. He had the unfortunate fortune of being parked in the wrong place these last few days and the car was submerged in a flood. Thats probably why I dreamt about it. After the car thing... I dreamt that we (he and I) were all at some party in a big ol barn. I love barns by the way... the smell of hay and horses, is strangely comforting to me. Anway... the whole click I used to hang with was at a "BARN PARTY"... and it was pouring rain outside. We were looking for ways to entertain ourselves. Someone strung a rope around the rafters and we built this huge huge swing. When you lay on the swing... everyone spins you around and around until the swing is all twisty... then they let go... and you go zoooming around and around the room. I swear I woke up sea sick this morning from the spinning!!! How strange. And no... I haven't stopped to unscramble the meaning of this dream. Need a few more cups of coffee before I can manage it.

Take it for what it is at face value. Don't start jump starting your imagination with assumptions. If they didn't want to stay over for 'whatever' reason... let it alone. You were very careful in keeping the sex of your friend anonymous. Why is that? Is this friend a man? Because if it is... the distance may be healthy. Men/Female friendships are GREAT... however, sometimes one of the "friends" may need to keep a little distance to keep it a friendship. I have healthy friendships with a few men in my life. It would be very easy to cross that line with anyone of my friends when they are down/out and need some extra caring. Can you see what I mean??? I'm straight up with them in that line will "never" be crossed, because the "friendship" means more to me than some momentary lapse in judgement. And not everyone is up front and in your face like I am... I'm comfortable in putting it on the table and telling it like it is. I think thats one of the qualities they love about me. IF... Your friend is a man.. examine your feelings and motivations closely. Was it more that you wanted than just a "slumber party"???? Get this out of your head and leave it alone.... you had a fantastic time going out and watching the 'boats'. HOW FUN!!!.... hold on to that feeling... on how good the day was, and leave it at that.

And remember the Wisdom of anyone who has ever been a PARENT and handed this advice down to their kids: If you see all your friends jumping off a bridge..... would you jump????? Be observant and mindful while LIVING IT.

I don't think you ever really get over someone... if you truly "Loved". And if two people truly "LOVE" one another... I believe this is the creation of the most purest of energies. Its an energy that is living, positive, good.. and I don't believe it dies. I think that sometimes even those who have touched and created LOVE... can get lost in the shadows. Life throws you these curve balls and you re-act.. dance, bob, weave and stumble. Its as if the lovers are walking through a deep dark forest.. complete darkness, and somehow... they lose each other. One will come out of the labyrinth.. the other stays behind for whatever reason. You can go back to get her.. and look and look and try to save it. But it doesn't always work out that way. And at some point... you choose.. LIFE. and you continue on your journey. As someone else already mentioned... it doesn't die. Your souls were once connected and you've touched each others lives... you are bound to carry some of her with you for the rest of your life. You can choose to LEARN from your experience, grow and continue... or you can wallow in self pity of would have, should have, could haves.. and let life pass you by. Its ok to say you've loved her... because you did and in some small way.. you always will. She helped add pieces of the puzzle to your journey. She's an important part of your life. Honor that spirit. Honor the love. And keep on walking in the light.

You can not understand LIFE by being a spectator... LIVE IT !!!!!

EXCELLENT WRITE UP NOTOGREEN... AWESOME.... I've had bouts of depression through out my whole 18 year relationship w/ my "X"... back and forth to the couselors, on and off various drugs. When I'd get on medication... miracles would happen, I'd become NUMB to whatever it was that was triggering. Counseling.... I didn't listen. I'd talk talk talk. And when I was offered advice... I did not listen. Why??? because I was not willing to face making those type of changes. It took me a long time to come to the realization that my "X" wasn't really a nice guy. My "X" didn't love me, he loved me for what I could do for him, and as long as I performed... was the wife he, his family and friends expected me to be... I was great. I would stay on the drugs for 6-9 months.. and then ween off. Sure as the sun rises in the morning... it would begin to build again and months would pass by and I was there again.. thinking about the ULTIMATE OUT. Intrusive thoughts about.. suicide. They scared me. I honestly thought something was very very abnormally wrong with me. In the end.... there was something wrong, I refused to "see" things the way they were. I refused to take that chance and change. Throughout the years... I've tried everything to swing the marriage the other way. And thats just it.. when one person is working the "relationship" its not really a relationship is it???? It took a long long time for the light bulb to click. For me..it took seeing "X" start his verbal/emotinal/phsyical abuse with the kids. THAT DID IT. I filed for Divorce and got out. As painful as it was.. it had to be done. Almost like amputating a limb. Since... I've been embracing "change" and I've been MED FREE. I still have my down times... during the down times, I try to stay active and keep things in perspective. It works.