Shadows Light

OF course she has issues... She's MARRIED !!! OK here's the deal.. lets just say she feels the same way you do. She might be playing cat and mouse with herself you know.. not just you. Obviously there's an attraction... she's attracted.. you affect her.. and she flirts with the notion. When she starts to get to close to the flames... either her commitments remind her that she should pull back... or morals..or any number of things. She pulls back.. but doens't have the heart to stay there. She keeps coming back for more... and does this little dance back and forth.. driving herself.. and YOU up the WALL. Lets face it.... THIS is her issue. YOU my friend are MARRIED.... Kick yourself in the pants... take a cold shower... do what you need to do but stay the heck away from her. Another thought that crossed my mind was.. "LAW SUIT"... did you know if you cross the line.. she could charge you with.. "SEXUAL harassMENT" and you could lose your job, lose face... and face all sorts of other repercussions????? if you company doesn't do anything about you.. then its a LAW SUIT FOR HER and $$$$. Think about it... NOT WORTH IT. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist... doesn't sound like he/she is working for you???? You may consider looking for another one if you arn't making any progress with this one.

There are a number of articles on "OFFICE ROMANCES" that have been hitting the net. Whats happened is normal attraction. However, my advise to you my friend is to preserve your sanity. And step away from the OFFICE FLING. Go home.. and take a long hard look at how and what would fix your marriage. Marriage counseling.... anything and everything you can do to save it. IF... when you have left no stone unturned and you still find that you are unhappy in your marriage... THEN.. you make some decisions about the route you want to take. BY YOURSELF. YOU DO THIS ON YOUR OWN. IF YOU NEED someone.. go see a therapist. Your Cubicle mate... is pulling away because she too may be taking "THIS" prudent route.

YEP... I think that's what happened in my marriage. I seriously seriously do. And it hurt. WHY be married if you are miserable???? To the poster... You are 18... I am going to make the assumption that your BF is near your age about 18-21 right??? I just find it hard to believe that he would refuse sex.. he's in his SEXUAL prime.

"Why did he only last 2 minutes?????" Survey says..... I wanted to say that there are many who do... and its an age old question we women ponder.. and guys stress over. There are probably a myriad of sites that talk about how a guy can prolong his errection. Stop/Start.... thinking about baseball stats. Doing the multiplication tables in his head... whatever. I don't know if they work though.

First of all... NO WAY TO THE VIDEO CAMERA... I can't even begin to tell you how very very very ticked I'd be at this invasion of my privacy. Second... the whole masterbation thing... I think thats why they call it masterbation.. its a solo thing.. and I would agree, private. I think most of us.. over 30, grew up with the myths that we'd go blind if we did it. That it was dirty or bad, amoral and not normal. But we did it anyway... nature calls. I understand how you feel about wanting to see it, experience it etc... and I'm glad you were able to articulate that to your wife. The fact of the matter is..she still has a right to her privacy and has a right to not have you involved. Don't hold that against her eh. Just as she shouldn't hold it against you for asking... no harm no foul. But the Vid Cam thing... GET RID OF THOSE TAPES... burn them.. ditch them... do it before she finds it or you will catch all sorts of untold grief.

Everyone is different is built differently SARMA2. Sometimes direct on stim. I get that good/bad feeling. I'd actually describe it more as bad than good because it feels like someone taking a knife down there and slicing... NOT GOOD. And I think its truly dependent on pressure and when its done... if its done initially, it shoots you through the roof, in a bad way. The biggest concentration of NERVE endings are located in this area, hence it will be the most sensitive. When direct heavy pressure is applied to the clit..lets say in ORAL.. it almost feels like BITING. NOT PLEASANT.. try to get your head around THAT ONE and in the mood. Near impossible. It'll take you 3 times as long to get to where you want to get to.

Leave NOW while you have any shred of yourself left. If you "THINK" you feel bad now..... IT GETS WORSE. MUCH WORSE. You'll end up feeling like pond scum. Don't allow yourself to sink to that level. Its a dark and lonely place.

Having been there done that... I think NOT...but then I'm jaded.

Yes it is really hard to do. And one of those two things will happen... as you stated. She's going to meet her "internet guy"... and what if this doesn't pan out for her. Do you still want her back??? How will u feel after she goes??? I think your best course of action is to take care of YOU. Look toward your personal well being and your healing. Figure out what your 50% of the relationship was. What you did right...and where you could have done something differently. And then work hard to being the person you want to be.

YOU want to have a baby with someone like this????? The man is irresponsible and has all the morals of a Gnat. DUMP HIM!!! Run run run run. He is playing you. You have NOTHING to gain from telling his wife. She'd kick his a@@ to the crub and you'd get stuck with this drek. He's playing on your youth and your naivette. GET SMART and get out.

Poster... I am divorced. And what I've been doing lately is much research on subjects of relationships. In search of questions like.. "what is marriage?" Where did the institution of marriage orginate. What does it mean to be married. What is LOVE??? Excellent Website I found recently.. link removed Tonzs of good articles... but scroll down to the bottom to articles entitled, "The True Nature of Love" There are 5 articles that talk about WHAT LOVE IS NOT? Which I identified imediately with. Because its easier to say what we DON'T want/like.. .than identifying what we do want/like... Love is not: Critical Shaming Abusive Controlling Manipulative Demeaning Humiliating Separating Discounting Diminishing Belittling Negative TraumaticPainful most of the time etc. I also started looking for books on what is "attraction" and how does that work. Found a good book. Its a little heavy of a read.. but I'm glad I stuck with it...The myth of monogamy : fidelity and infidelity in animals and people / David P. Barash, Judith Eve Lipton. This book helped me understand attraction a bit better and how chemistry works. How our brains are wired a bit differently. The four agreements [sound recording] : [a practical guide to personal freedom] / Don Miguel Ruiz. Also a great book.. helped me tie it together. And learn not to take it personally. Fantasizing and thinking about other people. Who may be attainable or unattainable is a very normal thing that I believe many people engage in. In some shape, way or form. The single most distinquising factor that sets us appart from the animal kingdom is our ability to reason. We don't act on everyone of our instincts. Have I fantasized about people that are within my realm of possibilities. Oh yeah, I have. Does it make me unfaithful. NO. Have I been approached through out my marriage by others to tempt me. AYE.. I've been tempted on many an occasion. And I declined. I didn't see these invitations as disrespectful. I saw them as a compliment. And I respectfully held my ground and passed. I reasoned with myself. I loved my husband... It wasn't in me to ACT on the invitations. Did it make me feel good. Oh yeah. whooo hooo. Its natural to want to feel good about ourselves. To get that boost or high from outside compliments. If it wasn't natural... we women would quit buying sexy garments, wearing make-up and spending so much money on beauty products the minute we get married. AND YOU KNOW.. there are CULTURES that do that. Covering their women from head to toe.. to protect them against the temptations of LUST. Did I tell my husband about all of these fantasies. NO. I did not. WHY??? I didn't want him to feel bad about himself. He had nothing to feel bad about. The play-ground inside of my head was not a THREAT to him. Did I share any fantasies with him.. yeah.. vague ones. My thoughts are my thoughts. People think all sorts of crazy things.. but they don't act on them. Look at books for instance. Now here is someone whose mind is running overtime with fantasy and they have a gift of prose. They have a venue to channel their fantasy world. What prompted your husband to go into counseling or to disclose at this time in his life? Is he going through a mid-life audit of his life? And he's trying to make sense of where he's been and where he's going? Disclosing to you... that he had these private thoughts, private fantasies, about someone who was... accessable at one time. Is not meant to hurt you personally. He's sharing a part of himself with you. and he can be on the level when he says... "I DID NOT CHEAT".... I have a male friend, who told me how he was tempted. He had a chance to be with a woman that was way out of his league. She also threw herself at him. And he said NO. He was kicking himself. but he said.. "I LOVE MY WIFE".. and I told him, he should tell her. Share that with her. Personally... I'd take it as a compliment that number one.. he could share that with me. Number 2... he said no. Because he loved me. You had many many good years with your husband. Don't judge him too harshly. Allow him his space and his autonomy. Allow him the ability to keep his thoughts to himself. If his disclosures are too painful to you.. because you take them personally. Then tell him not to share. Own that about yourself and your share of this dance.

I haven't gone through all the responses on your thread. But.. I do believe he is imature if he's going to point out your sexual past. Its ok for him?? but not for you to have a past??? double standard. Or.. he is NOt comfortable with Oral Sex. There's a book on the market called..."She comes first" you may want to buy a copy for him. It may help him with technique and confidence. OR.. Just might not like giving oral. And if thats the case he should say so... and allow you to decide how important it is to you and move on.

He's in therapy since January? Are you also in therapy? I think you might consider therapy for yourself to deal with these revelations. And also marriage counseling to deal with the relationship. Reading your post.. I'm thinking. Ok, benefit of the doubt. Maybe he DID not surcumb to his base instincts. And it was his private fantasy. And then... I think of that word. FANTASY. And how there seems to be a fine line between FANTASY and REALITY. How many of us fantasize about the unattainable??? Mel Gibson for instance, or any number of the HOLLYWOOD Hardthrobs. Or... lets say we are reading a romance novel, and the scene in it is so titilating that we cast ourselves in the role of the HEROINE and have this gorgeous HERO sweeping us off our feet. The difference, I guess would be... the object of his obession is more attainable. And.. would have been willing. HAD he really refused her open invitation. My HATS off to him. He's a strong man. And... his NOW going into therapy and working out his head, shows a man who's ready to own up to his past mistakes or weaknesses. Understandably YOU are upset. Feel less than. Feel used. Not discounting your feelings over his revelations. But give the devil his due.. If he's disclosing and in therapy... and now coming clean. His mental anquish and guilt. Is burden enough. You had 24 years with this man. NOT all good.. but the majority of it was. The majority of it was good. So don't throw out the baby with the dishwater. You have every right to your feelings right now. Your esteem and self-worth has taken a blow. The one thing you need to understand is it is NOT your fault. YOU did nothing wrong to cause his attentions to wonder. IT HAPPENS. WE are after all .. human beings. And are not infallable. Don't torture yourself with hurtful quieries and hunting down all the answers. Its time to heal. Get yourself into therapy. And allow yourselves enough ROOM to get through this.

If you've never waxed your bikini line before.. get a proffessional to do it the first time it's fabulous. Trim... I crew cut trim. If I were to guess 1/8th of and inch... Red bumps... what helps is exfoliating before you shave. And a soak in the bath before hand.

HOW do you know your marriage is over. hmmmmm I remember asking this question of people who'd ended it. And the answer was always the same. YOU'LL KNOW. You won't have to ask. And this stuck with me. When you have exhausted all avenues, all possibilities and left no stone unturned... it'll come. You'll just know.

Darlin... I'm going to save my breath on the waiting game. Because you are gonna do what you are going to do. Your first time is nerve wracking. Depending on how you educated yourself on SEX Relations... its nothing like you've read and everything like you've read. Your first time no matter how prepared you are is going to be nerve wracking and probably not the greatest experience in the world. One of the first things.. please please please be responsible and use precautions. Having a baby is not the worst thing in the world. You just don't want it happening now. And you need to protect yourself and your partner against anything passing back and forth. Even something as simple as a yeast infection can go back and forth. To relax. Look to all the 5 senses. Sight, touch, taste, hearing, hearing. I'd suggest you choose a "PLACE" that is relatively private that you will have lots of time. Your first time you don't want to rush. Take your time. Lots of time. You've read about foreplay.... well, don't skimp on the make out session your first time. Even though the both of you are raring to go. And then just go with it. Try not to tense. If it doesn't feel right... STOP. Your first time you WILL endure a bit of pain getting through the hymen. And depending on your physical make-up depends on how much of an effort it will take. Relaxation is important. AGAIN... if it doesn't feel right. STOP. As Electra said.. this isn't a race to the finish line. There are so many other ways to enjoy each other aside from intercourse. Darlin... I was a Virgin till age 18. And truth be told... I'd have waited a bit longer after all was said and done. The one thing you should make sure above all else... Make sure that the first time is with someone YOU love and who you feel the LOVE returned. Its special. You will carry your 1st time for the rest of your life. Thats why I noted you take into consideration .. time/place.. and all the 5 senses. Bright blessings to you.

hmmmmm..... Haven't tried the INTERNET dating sights. Too Scary. Buyer beware..

Don't know.. but my X at age 40... still does it. You'd think by now he'd learn. arrrrggghhhh.

That is one of my favorite poems DN!!! Thank-you.

AWWWWWw... you are hitting your SEX KITTEN years and he's flipped by it isn't he??? Try hand-cuffing him to the bed and bringing a can of whipped cream to bed. GRIN. Great fun. Or... Altoids.. have an altoids in your mouth and go down... different feeling. That should get him going.

omg!!!! to funny!!!! grins

There's a lot of truth here. The abused.. can in turn become the abuser in subsequent relationships. Abuse is about control. Those in abusive relationships who get out can turn around thinking.."THIS" is not going to happen to me again. Maybe unconsciecely they will start doing those things that the "abuser" did in their previous relationship. And the cycle will continue in another relationship. To say that the abused person is at fault and themselves abuse. Is a 1000 mile view and statement. The abused person may not KNOW how to get out. Or they may but for a variety of reasons, fear of being alone.. fear of retribution... or financial reasons. Whatever, they rationalize and can-not get out of the relationship. So... its a bit more complex than the 1000 mile view. Sometimes the "abused" is bent on rescueing and saving their loved one. They think they can control the situation and change it. So they stick with it.. until they are "DONE". The point of being "DONE" comes at different points for every person. Its like a pain threshold. We each have different thresholds of pain we can take. Its like an adict or alcholic.. who won't admit to thieir problem until they hit ROCK BOTTOM. Saying an abused person is responsible.. yeah.. they are to a certain extent because they are allowing, enabling, and not keeping their boundaries up. But to give the devil his due... we don't know any better alot of times. Sometimes our lives are not in the EXTREME's that we hear and see in the media.. so we have nothing and no one to measure oursevles against. Its definitely a "Dance" There is a book out there called "Dance of Anger" that pretty much depicts this phenomenon. Probably more eloquently than I can expound. But you get the gist. It is sooooo difficult to look at ourselves in the mirror and "SEE" our true selves. We wear masks with everyone. Our family, society.. and even with ourselves.

Bubbleberry... I was on the recieving end of Verbal/Emotional/Physical Abuse. And I stuck with him for many years. Not all of that time was "BAD".. had it been 24/7 bad, I'd have left years ago. I've done much research into "HIM" and to understand Why he does what he does. (by the way.. there is a book by that title about abusive relationships). There's also a book called.."Ditch that Jerk" that talks about the various ways abuse happens, AND it talks about Abusers reforming. The author goes into profiles on who is reformable and who is beyond help. I've also done a lot of research into ME. And what my contributions to the relationship were. Action - Reaction. Asking myself.. why did I stick with it??? why did I react the way I did??? what happened?? How did it happen? and how can I make sure I minimize the chances of it happening again! YOU.. very well may be refromable. And YOU.. probably will continue with Counseling and ANGER MANAGEMENT. Try to find some books on Anger Management. And... look for Anger Management Type group classes in your area. You are right. There are probably not too many self help classes readily available that you'd be able to find on your own. Most abusers are COURT ORDERED to attend. So, you might want to call your local DV Center or Court System.. and ask if they are aware there of classes near you. YES... you can change. One of the reasons there is such a "LOW" profile and availability of classes. Most volitile people. Or people with the propensity to become volitile. Can't see themselves in the mirror to say.."I may have a problem"... because what they are doing.. is working for them. Its a behavior that "CAN" be hidden from society. There is little or no pressure for them to change.. unless they cross the fine line of the law. And I think you did a "GOOD" thing by putting the relationship on hold. Or.. separating from your S.O. You can use the analogy of a person trying to give up drinking.. attending AA and getting a job at a BAR. Impossible for him to quite. His trigger is right under his nose. You spoke of your girlfriend "pushing buttons" 24/7. That very well maybe. But you allowed her to push those buttons. When you make "ANGER" an action verb.. and put it to motion. YOU are responsible for your actions. ANGER is a feeling. Saying.. "I am angry right now. When you say X,Y,Z... it makes me ANGRY" that is a feeling. Hitting, pushing, punching... ACTION. Non-productive ways to difuse the Angry feelings. Your Girl friend.. most probably had her own issues. CO-Dependent?? Most of us are dysfunctional in some way shape or form. None of us perfect. And yes.. you are right.. the chemistry just didn't jive. I read somewhere that Anger is really Fear in a different form. FEAR is at the root of it. What is the underlying factor in what makes you angry???? FEAR of not being loved. Fear of being found lacking... not good enough. Fear of abandonment. Fear of lonelines. You've been through so very very very much as a child. And I am so sorry that your dad did and was the way he was. Neither your mother or you deserved it. And it sounds like you are still very much working through all that hard-wiring from child-hood. Good-luck with it. YOU are on to a good start if you are truly trying to reform and look for other means of coping. Do the research and stick with counseling. -Skye

AGREE With Momene... GREAT POST LUNABELLE!!! There you go. Codependent. That is the word I was looking for. I'm reading a book called..."Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie... and POSTER.. it sounds like this may apply to you as well. You are looking to SAVE HIM. To Rescue him. And HE in turn is looking to be rescued.. saved... looking for someone to put him on track and be the cruise director. From personal experience, I'll tell you.. you gotta pull back and stop yourself from doing it. SHORT TERM.. you'll feel like you are doing a LOVING thing by helping him. You'll feel great about yourself for being so kind, giving, his knightess in shining armor. BUT... the more you do it.. and the deeper you get into it. YOU will resent it later. You will find yourself thinking... "I have no more to give, when do I get???" you'll find the scales tipped and feel used. And he.. unconsciencely will by into it. And take take take.. cause he hasn't learned to step up to the plate. YEP.. its his fault for NOT stepping up to bat. But your fault for maiming him and not allowing him to grow on his own. The KINDEST BEST MOST LOVING thing you can do for him.... let him figure it out on his own. Let him be responsible for himself. I was married for 15 years.. and now I am out. It was a PAINFUL learning on both of our parts. Well at least on mine... I've learned my part in the play.. he's still cycling on the hamster loop.. spinning his wheels.

Eljose... its nice to see that you still have "HOPE" and "Faith" that "LOVE" will come again.