Shadows Light

My GF had the same problem. The way she handled it was by calling on some close friends who are in an Motorcycle Club. They left him with quite and impression and he never darkened her door again. Other than that... change your Cell phone number, phone number, internet account names, log-ins.. and quit hanging out on the net where he can find you.

He's lied to you.... cheated on you... discounted you.. disrespected you... gone to the basement and called you names.. .manipulated you and makes you feel guilty. He's no longer your boyfriend and you still feel obligated to call him on his birthday????? Gather you wits young lady... look in the mirror and tell yourself you are worh a lot more than this. Ditch him.

And today too shall pass... just as yesterday did. Don't contact him.

How are you helping him??? You are not. He's deployed in Iraq.. and you may be helping him wile away the hours... but you arn't really helping him. You are helping yourself. It is so easy to fall into the trap of a cerebral love affair. He's telling you all the things you want to hear. He's boosting your ego. He's making you feel good about you. And hubby is falling short in this department eh? You need to sort out your own marriage. Don't look for outside stimulus to make you feel good about you. I'm sure if you were with your Internet-lover 24/7... you'd soon see sides of him that may not quite fit the bill. The newness of a new love affair gives you that addrenulun rush you haven't gotten since maybe the early days of your relationship with your husband. But its not the real deal. Say good-bye to your Internet-love affair.. and take care of things on the home front. Try to find a way to mend it.... or end it. If you finally leave no stone unturned.. and you END it... then give yourself time to sort out your baggage. If Internet-lover is still free and clear... then pursue that venue. But until then.... use your brain and work through your journey... on your own.

You screwed up and let that be a lesson to you not to rationalize anything while you've been drinking. Don't sweat it.. sobor people have done it too. Wish I had a dime for every time a "married" man tells me what a "B" his wife is and how horribly rotten he's got it. How he can't end the relationship because of finances, kids, appearance... or because the "B" would get control of all the assets. Whatever... the reasons are a mile long. etc. Grin.... and you know if you had a chance to meet wifey-poo... you'd see what a lovely woman she is. Sweet. Trusting. And very into her husband. YICK!!! Don't do it to yourself. You'll only wind up sucking hiney.. and wind up not liking yourself very much when you look in the mirror. Its an age old record and story that has been replayed.. over and over and over again. Put him out of your mind. And put the insident in the lessons learned folder of your brain. And don't mess around with a married man ever ever again. They will bring you nothing but heart-ache. And if you did per-chance get him in the end.... HA!!! where is the trust???? How do you know you won't become the "B" wife and be cheated on in the future. You don't.

Mark.... I am so there with you bud. As previously stated and most divorce recovery books will tell you, its probably a good idea after the break-up of a long term relationship to take a TIME-OUT... and sort through your baggage. Sooooo you missed that chapter in the book eh??? Its ok. Your lady friend has given you "NO" reason to doubt her. If you had written that you've caught her in a few lies already... I'd say.. there is your "AHAAA Moment"....but that is not the case. Look for a Divorce Recovery Workshop in your area. Sometimes they are church sponsered. Sounds hokey...but it works. And go back through the seminar as many times as need be. I've gone through the seminar once..... lol... and I am going back again. Just to make sure I got it. Or.... look for Divorce recovery books through Amazon. or look toward counseling to sort out these feelings.

Love Melrich Quote.. to true. Second, sounds like you may be co-dependant. There's a book out called, " Co-dependant no more" by Melodie Beatie. Talks about how you are there to rescue and help someone. And wind up enabling them. In the end... you wind up bitter about it because you haven't changed them. "Look at all I do or did for you.. and what do I get." Co-dependants are givers givers givers. And quite frequently taken advantage of. I know. I am one. I read your story and it sounds oh so familiar in many respects. You are even trying to be nice about backing out of this relationship...why??? because he'll explode? because of what people will say and think??? Why is he still in it??? well there's gotta be some pay-off for him or he wouldn't stick around. Every one has a motive. His pay-off maybe that he doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't want to feel that rejection. He doesn't want people to know that you rejected him. So.. keeping up appearances works for him. There is no easy way to walk away from this. You know him best. As other suggested a mediator would save you a heck of allot of $$. But if thats not possible... then what is your freedom worth??? I'm surprised you are out shopping. STOP!!!!! In an earlier post you said you'd been married before, and you've never been on your own. Well GF.. its time to be on your own. You OWN 50% of this debacle. When blame pie is being sliced up.. there's more than enough to go around. Seek a private counselor for yourself. To figure you out. To learn how to set better boundaries. YOU were right on the dime when you said.. shopping for a replacement is NOT the answer. You may wind up hurting yourself and the next person in the process.

Of course you are in pain. You've had contact with her every day for the last few years. And now... things are different. Change is a very difficult thing for us to assimulate to the older we get. You've been through the grieving process... the denial.. the bargaining.. the anger.. acceptance... and finally moivng on. You mahap... are in the bargaining end of it right now. Maybe??? possibility. Give yourself that one month of NC. It may do a world of good for both of you. You say that you are working on a few personal issues and are making changes. To make real changes it takes about a good 30 days... to make sustainable changes, so have a bit of patience with yourself. Your JOB losses may have been a trigger for her. She'd supported a husband and family for 15years. Thats a long time to carry the burden of responsibility on her shoulders. AND... mayhap, she saw it happening all over again with you.. with the succession of job losses. It triggered her.. and she thought... "ohhh He!! not again.. been here, done that, and I'm not doing it again." It could be that its also a subconscieitous trigger for her. ANYTHING that brings back those nasty memories.. shoots her back to that time and place. "FIXING A GUY".... ohhhh lordy. A lot of us are guilty of that arn't we. I'm was a little surprised to hear that she is a "counselor" and falls into the same trap as the rest of us. But then again.. isn't it always the shoe makers kids who wind up bare-foot. Take this time to work on those things you feel need tending to. Take this time to keep busy and to explore your world. Try new things. Experiment with life a little bit. lol. Go to an OPERA if you've never been.... or Try a Rock Concert if you've never tried it. But don't sit at home and WALLOW. Life was meant to be lived. Live it.

There is one more possible scenario to NOT re-acting to catching your significant other in bed with someone else. YOU really don't care. Meaning its dead. There's nothing. Nada. Gone. It would be a clear cut signal to me that... my heart was not truly vested with this person. And a sign for me to just.. Walk away. No drama. No vengence. Just walk away.

It could be that this friend is scooping information on you.. on her own. It makes her more valuable to your "X" to fill her in maybe on anything she reaps from you. "Gossip-monger". You're only speculating that "X" may have sent in a recon spy. It is possible. So what's the motive? (A) She wants to hear things are not going well with you and is jubilient (B) She's still interested in reeling you back in at some point. But in the big picture, does it really matter? No. Not if you are done with her.

Grin... you'd be surprised. Some people may be..depending on thier proclivities. However.. the reason I ask is... he seems "bland" about it. Kind of.. Deer in the head-lights. The reaction seemed to be.... Bland. That is the way I read the initial post. Kinda begging the question... How am I supposed to feel about this. What am I supposed to do about it.

How do you "feel" about catching your GF in bed with your BFriend???? What was your initial reaction and response??? Or are you asking .. How Should you feel???? Analogy: My 2 year old goes running accross the pavement and falls to her knee's. My Instinct is to... jump. "ohhhh sweetie... are you ok??" She then WAILS.. and has a full blown tear jerker fit. However.. lol. I don't. I wait. 9 out of 10 times she'll look up at me for my reaction. And 9 out of 10 times she doesn't cry. Then I pick her up and tell her she's ok. Tell her NOT to run on pavement again or she'll get an ouchie. Action / Reaction. You are asking us.. what your reaction should be. The fact that you are NOT beside yourself pissed off to high heck... is surprising. You don't think you should let her off the hook. You think there should be consequences. YEP.. I agree. I admire your tenacity and the No-Drama approach. lol. It speaks to me. Talk to your GF.. and simply teller it is unacceptable. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that you "assumed" this was an exclusive relationsip. Drunk or Straight... she crossed the line. And then.. tell her WHAT the consequences of her actions would be if EVER it should happen again. But be prepared to go through with those consequences. Your Friend. Well.. the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence isn't it. When we go to a restaurant.. we always wish we'd ordered what we see at the next plate over don't we? Your buddy needs to be put on notice as well.

Perhaps... her friends are only curious. Perhaps its just a conversational tool they are using with you... like.. "How's the weather?" etc. If you've changed residence's then of course they'd ask.. "so where are you living now?" "How is work?" "what are you doing with yourself these days?" If anyones line of questioning seems invasive.. just smile that little smile and ask.. "Why do you want to know?" 9 times out of 10 it will fluster them.. if they are being invasive and have ulterior motives. As far as what your X is doing.. why she is doing it.. and what she is thinking. Why do you care???? Its really no concern of yours anymore. If she's hung up on you or is digging... well let her dig away. Keep on moving in the forward direction that you've been going and don't look back. I think most of the time in "break-up" situations, Friends don't know how to act. They are uncomfortable with the NEW situation. Its all NEW and FRESH. With time.. things will NORMALIZE. You will have become yesterdays old news if you already haven't.

Yep... or she could train him using ORAL... not letting him go over the edge for longer and longer periods. Thing is... she's got to have patience. lol.

go to Amazon . com .. and look up some books. Book called "She comes First" is a great ORAL instructional. And the Book for her.. "He comes next" good books by Ian Kerner. How to make love to a man by Alexandra Penny. How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally explicit techniques that will Blow his mind..by Lou Paget. THIS is a GREATBOOK!! Blow him away: hot to give him mind-blowing oral Sex by Marcy Michaels. The low Down on Going Down: How to give her mind blowing oral sex by Marcy Michaels. How to Give her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman wants her man to know by Lou Paget. There.. that list should keep you going for a while. Lasting longer.. try distractions. Lights on.. and music. Listen to the music. it may help to distract. Try male kegal exercise.. Look it up on net. Where u tighten the PC muscle.. and sort of do..pull ups or push ups with your guy. Then when you can manage to find your pc mucsle.. hang a small hang towel off of him.. and practice lifting the towel. With daily exercise.. you should within a month or two be able to wet that towel and do pull ups with it. That will help you learn to... umm hold it back and regain some control.

oh this post made me smile... Thank-you so much. OK.. so if my "X" told me he wanted to go down on me.. just for practice, would I let him. ahhhmmm HE11 no !!! but then again we can't talk civally let alone that. AND.. I am way sure beyond a doubt he'd want his.... and I wouldn't give it to him. No way .. no how.. don't want him touching me. Ever again. Now.... back in the day.. when I was your age and my BF wanted back would I have played with him.. Probably. But thats just me.

Both of you should be exploring how to make it better... together. There are Tonz of books you can both look into and learn together. This isn't just "your" job. She's responsibile for her own orgasm as well. As to the comment most women want to be f'd vs. loved... lol. That made me laugh. There are times that she can tell u.. "Love me" that she wants it slow and easy.. and other times.. "F.. me" where u put it into 5th gear. Its not dependant upon woman to woman.. its how we feel that particular day. Sometimes you want a vanilla ice-cream cone. And other times we want a peanut buster partfait. lol. make sense?

nope.. not the same angles.. lol. Geometry 101 and Engineering. However doesn't mean you can't get "Innovative"... try the couch. With Woman on top position... one of her legs on the ground. She's able to get more traction this way and yep.. in control. Doggie Style was mentioned with her doing the work by pushing back. Or.. CAT position. Its like missionary.... you on top.. her knee's have to flex down and legs wrap around your calf for traction. YOU have to be a little higher on her pubis.. and its not a thrust as much as its a slight rocking on your part. HOWEVER.. in the CAT position, its a see saw motion. You rock first.. then she rocks up.. very minimal movement. Look up CAT sex position on net.. am sure you'll find a better description. Have not tried.. but this can also be done with man on bottom and woman on top.

changing your diet can help. Less meat.. and more fruit and veggies. Drinking lots of water. Lol.. pine apple is a great anti-toxin. But no.. it won't taste like pineapples. Less rancid and bitter but not like pine-apple. Drinking lots of water.. thins it out. That helps.. makes it less concentrated. ALSO.. for better taste make sure you don't have CSB Critical Sperm Back-up... meaning you haven't ejaculated in weeks. It tastes HORRIBLE.. then. Not a formal study... just an observation from someone who has... ummm swalllowed.

Do yourself a huge favor Pamh.... Start yourself a little nest egg.. on the side. Where he doesn't know and can't get to it. Protect yourself. Just in case.

And while I'm thinking about it... how very very nice of you to take such good care of your mother and researh information.. !!! thats wonderful. I know part of that could just be a "self-preservation" reason... my mother was a pistol during peri-menopause. You could have hidden in a fox hole for a while... and out of her way. I think its commendable of you to try to be understanding and helpful. And thats what she needs most right now. She doesn't know whats going on with her body, her hormones and her head. Its very frightening at times. Sometimes she needs her space. And other times she needs a hug. Most of all she needs understanding. Great going!!! good luck.

Yes.. go to your health food store. There are a number of vitamin suppliments that may help her. The trick is .. finding the right combination. BLACK COHASH .. is excellent for hotflashes. She needs to get plenty of rest, proper nutrients and exercise. Cut back on the caffiene.. cut it out totally if she can and stay away from Chocolate and carbohydrates. She'll crave sweets, only to indulge and then it will run havoc with her system. There is tonz of info on the net for Peri-menopause and Menopause. The struggle is Peri-menopause.. this is the time that the hormones are most out of wack. Menopause is when things get stablized..and she hasn't gotten a period in over a year. Go to your local bookstore.. library etc. a lot of litterature on the topic. Look it up on the net. And go to your local heatlh food store. OHHHHHH.. and switching to SOY MILK and TOFU help with Estrogen replacement. BIG TIME !!!

As with the previous advice.... relax. And don't think about it. I know.. nothing.. nothing.. is a bigger turn off than catching your lover glance at the Clock on a night stand. you might as well have dumped a bucket of ice water all over me because I'm done. orrr... when you can tell they are exasperated because they are getting.. tired. EEEEK... why bother .. right? There's a book on the market he may buy for himself called.. "She Comes first." excellent read. Instead of all the toys.. he should invest in a book to teach him about women and technique. Ha!! the only trick then will be getting him to read the darn thing. lol. Have you tried watching Porn together. or light porn.. or sexy romantic movies???? this may help... get you in the mood. Be careful of using this as an enhancer.. you do not want it to become crutch. How about reading erotic litterature to each other. Just to get you to quit thinkng about it. You are young.. don't worry so much you will get it. When you get up there in years... where I am.. is when your body starts betraying you. YIKES. I soooooooo know what you are talking about. Been there.. done that.. and am wearing the T-shirt. you are most definitely NOT alone.

Yep... love to teazzzeeeee. Natural born flirt. I'm always doing it even when I don't mean to be doing it. The banter back and forth. The looks. The subtleties... And if they missed the point.. a blatent in your face inuendo.. just to get their jaw to drop. LOL. Its personality dependant I think. some people do it naturally.. and when it comes off that way its good. other people work at it.. and it comes off akward. not so good.

Pam.... Yes.. it will be difficult for a little bit. But you "WILL" get through it. I promise.. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I was told that in the beginning and didn't see it. lol. Now I do. There are a number of books on grief and grieving out there. you might want to take a peek at them. Just so you know the stages you'll go through. Yes.. he's made his choice. And with choices come consequences. There are some people who do live in open ended marriages for one reason or another. But its the life for alot of us. I agree. I don't share well. lol. Welcome to Enotalone. Keep coming back as often as you need to and read through the sections that pertain to your situation. You can use the tool bar above to search on the topic of choice. Lots of hugs.. love and light. you will be ok.