Shadows Light

I've been in the same boat you are. I lost my social circle due to divorce. I got the house and kids. He won the friends, and so it goes. I know what it means to be isolated and all alone. Last winter was the worst for me. I spent a lot of time soul searching and talking to on-line buddies, but it wasn't enough. A positive attitude helps. Get out where you will meet people. Go to the gym.. not only to meet people but its healthy for you. Get a new hobbie... I've recently taken up motorcycle riding. I took a course at a Harley Dealership.. with a few other newbies. By the end of the course we'd all buddied up, exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. Now I have a few new buddies with something in common to call on. We all have riding and a new love of motorcycles in common. I have friends who are involved in running.. and through that they meet friends. Or maybe you are interested in OLD VINTAGE CARS.. there are tonz of Car Shows around town on the weekend... go to a car show and strike up a conversation. Collect comic books??? go to a comic book convention. Find hobbies that interest you and take a class.... or go where that hobby takes you. Follow your dreams a bit.. and open yourself up to other people around you. I'm pretty much an outgoing person.. .so being a social chameleon comes pretty easy for me. I fit in pretty much where ever I go. I watch others struggle with this... and I thing the trick is to r-e-l-a-x... don't try so hard and it will come to you. Be yourself... your authentic self.

People who are TOTALLY off the hook NUTS... are the ones that think they are all ok.. there's nothing wrong with them. The rest of the world is insane. However, those of us who quesiton ourselves and our sanity.. are pretty much SANE. And there is nothing wrong with being on anti-depressants not even for a little while. Why don't you try phsyical activiity.. running, jogging, bike riding, lifting weights.. whatever it is you can do to exercise...and your happy hormones will kick in. The endorphins will make you feel a heII of a lot better. You might start seeing things diffferently. If you find that you have lost "all" ummpfff for regular activities.. you can't get out of the house or bed. You develop "anal glycoma" (can't see your butt going into work ) then anti-depressants might be the pick me up you need. You're ok.. your just going through a "loss" and through a grieving stage. Its perfectly "NORMAL" and things will get better.

Confused... The lingerie bit... I've been there, so I do know how you must have felt. You sense of worth just plummets to the depths. I know. Your husband is wrong... if its wrong for one.. its wrong for both. Your marriage is in trouble. Try going to counseling on your own... to see if you can get any idea's from them on how to approach your "H". At least then you will know that you have at least tried every avenue of trying to get this thing back on the tracks. Believe me... separation and divorce is a very very painful gut wretching road, especially with children attached to it. So, even after you've seen a counselor... and tried to get him there...and you end up going through a separation, at least you have a counselor who can walk you through the process..if indeed it ever goes that far.

Dear Confused.... Ever heard of Maslows Heriarchy of needs? Its a pyramid of peoples NEEDS. (basically in a nutshell). At the bottom of the pyramid is PHYSIOLOGICAL needs.. (food, water, shelter). Then the next step up is SAFETY needs (feeling relatively safe from the environment and other people) and then.. BELONGINGNESS & LOVE needs. And humans are a social animal. We need people to feel good about ourselves. We need to be loved. And there are many ways to obtain that love.. whether its from social interaction or through a mate. Don't mean to sound clinical... just trying to get a read on what may be wrong. You are not getting your emotional needs met from your partner. So now, since someone else is paying you a bit of attention... it feels good. It is attracting you like a moth to the flame. And there is the crux of it "confused" if you pursue this.. you will get burned. It will hurt you in countless ways. So put that thought out of your mind... and step away from it at this time. You have a commitment and a marriage. Supposedly. It just doesnt' feel like a marriage right now. 3 kids, a house in the burbs, mounting bills and 2 full time jobs.. (I'm assuming) can take its toll on a marriage. You've lost connection with your husband and thats NOT a good thing. So... being the ever creative project planner you are (your a mom... so this comes naturally)... get pen to paper and start writing down your options on possible fixes. Marriage counseling. He won't go. How strenuously have you pursued it? If not marriage counseling as a couple... I suggest you go in for yourself. a counselor can help you sort your thoughts out and your options. List what you see as the issues in the marriage. And at the same time list possible solutions. Sit down with your husband in a non-confrontational manner and just talk to him. You have 3 children and 9 years invested...what is it gonna take?? It can not continue this way else you will destroy yourselves... and your children deserve to "see" what a loving home and loving couple looks like. Do not make the mistake many make....children see and hear everything. The way the both of you behave becomes a bench-mark for them andthe way they will behave in their marriages. Your husband can not be happy either. Neither of you are communicating except for argueing. Something has got to give here one way or another. You can not change or force your husband to change. you can only change yourself and the way you behave and react to him. Once you have turned every stone that can be turned.. and tried everythng you can to turn this thing around. And if it still is NOT working...then consider "ALL" your options very carefully. But for pete's sake... do not get involved in an affair. You'll end up hurting yourself in the end.

Hey... I'm up for the Shopping gig at TARGET.... although I'm a Saks Fifth Avenenue kinda girl.. On a serious note: More power to your BF if he can articulate his fantasies to you. Thats a great thing. Don't shoot him down just yet. Its just a fantasy.. nothing more. People fantasize all the time.. and about stuff that they would never consider doing in real life. For instance.. I've fantasized about 1001 unique & creative ways to off my "X"..... would I actually do it. Of course not. Its just a lovely diversion to blow off some steam. We all fantasize, day dream.. in some way shape or form. HOWEVER... I can see your concern. You are concerned that he might be grooming you or setting you up for a real live performance..... Have you ever talked to him about attractions of the same sex? discussed how you may each feel about homosexuality? It'd be a great tine to say..... "Yeah I've thought about it..and its not for me. I can't ever see myself with another woman. The thought of it puts me off" And there's his answer.... so he knows.. there is no way, no how, ever..... that that fantasy is ever gonna be fufilled. Now..... if it were me, I'd tell hm no way no how never.... not unless it was Angelina Joli. And that will keep his fantasy humming... right????? cause what are the odds of that ???? You need not be scared. You should NEVER be scared of your partner. If you are.. its time to get out of dodge. But you never ever need to be scared of.... anything that might happen in bed. You have the right to say "NO" its as simple as that... NO.. NO .. NO NO NO. Don't compromise your principles for anyone. The way you feel about yourself is more important than how they feel about you. HE may not be in your life forever....but YOU will be there for yourself... Next time your BF works through his fantasy scenario..after the interlude, is a good time to bring up the conversation..... Light and airy.... "hey.. I'm glad you can share your fantasies with me. Its kinda exciting... and I'm glad you can be so open with me. But I have to ask you.... thats not something you'd really consider doing in real life is it?????? because if it is... its a big big turn off for me." Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. If it is truly something he wants and you do not.... SWEETIE.. NO amount of loving him is gonna be right for you. Do not compromise yourself for someone else if you arn't into it... you will hurt yourself in the long run. And you can not make him be the way you want him to be. He is the way he is and its ok. If he's gone down paths are not for you... then they arn't for you. Don't be afraid to tackle this conversation..... sooner rather than later. You'll drive yourself nuts if you wait. good-luck.

I'm trying to be fair and put myself in his shoes. What are the ODDS of the two trips being on the "SAME" weekend. It is kinda strange no??? Turn the table and think about it.. if the girls were going out there first.. and all of a sudden BF has a trip there. Wouldn't you think he ... might not trust you or something. All that asside. DO NOT CANCEL YOUR TRIP. You pack yourself up.. get your butt on that plane... and do NOT miss this trip because he's whining and pouting and behaving like a little boy. pppfffffsssstttttt. And if you do run into him... hopefully you would have found yourself standing near the biggest baddest harrdest stud muffin and then he can do whatever he wants with that info... I know you love him sweetie... but he's manipulating you. Kick the ball back into his corner.

Having been there done that.. and intending never to do it again. The whole marriage thing. lol. I'd say.. if you are going to get married then age 30 is good. And about age 34-36 to have a child.

ooooooohhhhh OUCHIE OUCH OUCH.... yep probably not the best thing in the world to do. I always tell people who might have the yen to SNOOP through my house.... "Becareful of the choices you make.... your nightmare not mine." I think considering instances of internet stalking... I'd probably say the same thing. So now you know.... LET IT GO.... learn the lesson and let the rest go. You don't need to follow your druggie buddies. You don't need to be in a long term realtionship like your other buddies..... Don't follow someone elses trail. Blaze your own trail !!! find something that interests you and pursue it. I'm talking hobbie or some such thing..... I'm sure the right person will Karmically walk into your life when you least expect it. And down the line this will be but a blip in your memory box. Hopefully... you'll be able to look back on her fondly. But for now... Resist the temptation to keep cyber-stalking her... Not good not good not good. Keep telling yourself that.

Don't stress. Don't think about it. Just.... let it beeeeeeee.. let things naturally progress. Don't push... don't shove... don't ask....just let it unfold. Ever watch a flower unfold??? Not to many people have that patience... but trust me. Leave it alone... take a deep breath.. and let nature take its course. And Have a great flippin time at that party too!!!!!!!!

1st Time was absolutely Horrible..... being Scewered on a SWORD comes to mind. eeekk. And it was a One thrust .. and done deal. I thought... Oh you have to be kidding me... this is it???? I was 18 .. and he was 26. Yick. Then... the 2nd, 3rd, 4rth, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th.... time were yick too... it got progressively somewhat better. Practice and patience makes perfect, I guess...

Going back to your original post.... Your guy does sound somewhat like a narcisstic with the Brag Brag Brag. So he bagged a Playmate... whoooop de doo. As Shania Twaine would say... "THAT don't impress me much!!!" I'm pretty much a confidient woman and the thought of following up a PENT HOUSE PLAYMATE.... ahhhh nope. But come on, lets be real... did he wind up with her??? why not??? did she shoot him down??? or wasn't he to her standards???? Make sense??? And just because she had the pretty packaging... it doesn't mean she had any substance. Was she actually good in bed?? or did she just lie there and look pretty? Did she have anything intelligent to say out of bed?? I guess if it were me... and he were bragging, I'd ask him those questions.. and why he isn't there with her now? You can't control him... but you can control your re-actions to him. And thats really what you are asking for... because you said you were pretty darn confident most of the time, until something he does/says.. triggers you. Don't let it. You are responsibile for your own happiness. Don't depend on anyone else to do it for you or to be all of it for you. And if being around him is bringing you down... then tell him to hit the road. Really... if it doesn't bring you up.. but brings you down instead... get rid of it. LIfe is too darn short. BTW... you said you play pool with him and his attention is elsewhere. Good. Go out and buy yourself the lowest cut shirt you dare to wear. A nice Vicky's secrets push up bra... a Pair of booty hugging jeans. And then play pool. When he notices that all eyes are on YOU. He "WILL" pay attention. For SURE. See.... No surgeries needed. Just a slight wardrobe modification and a little bit of KICK BUTT AMAZON ATTITUDE.

I know its cliche' but if I had a dime for every time a man told me his wife is a nasty mean fire breathing dragon and he felt unappreciated and unloved...I would be a rich woman indeed. Trust me on this one... .do not call his cell phone. Tell him you lost it. And start talking loud and clear about the "great guy you just started dating".... give him a gentlemans exit. And by all means... CUT down on the flirting... or... if the flirting increases and he presses you to meet him etc... tell him "NO" he's a married man and tell him you are insulted that he would treat you or cast you in the light of MISTRESS. If he turns on the water-works with stories of the mean nasty fire breathing dragon... RUN RUN RUN.. don't look back.. RUN.. he's probably full of crap. Tell him to spice up his sex life by other means.

Its ok to question.. its a good thing. Socrates said.."the unexamined life is not worth living." Make this a positive lesson for yourself. If you ever find yourself in this position again... then don't comfort with 'sex'. Be stronger and pull away from that slippery slope. (no pun intended.) You honor yourself when you stick to your morals/ethics/value system. Take it as a life lesson darlin. Its ok. You're human and not infallable.

I was just thinking the same thing... hmmm my guy is hung at way above the average, should I worry that he will want to seed the whole country side??? Should I dump him in for someone who has a smaller penis that way I don't have to stress over it? nope. The confidence thing.... ehhhhh... to a point. I can argue the point that I know a gentleman who is very insecure in every other area of his life but his sexual prowess.. .and 'yes'.. I'd say he boosts his ego by.. ummm spreading himself around. but that indiosyncracy is HIS thing. I wouldn't take this as gospel that every guy I run into would do the same. Morals/ethics/values are different person to person. Grandma always said.. a dog is not worth keeping if you have to keep him chained. And if you have a dog you can't trust and you have to monitor.. maybe you shouldn't be a dog owner. Always loved Grams analogies and the way she put things. Getting back to the point... its not the size that matters but all else that goes along with it. Its the whole package. And by that i don't mean just physical in bed.... romance and intimacy is 90% out of the bed.. not in it.

Was it consenual sex??? No one said no at any time? You didn't talk her into it?? Then don't worry about it. Personally I don't treat sex so cavalierly... drunk or not. But, it happens. If you were the re-bound guy? does it bother you? did you want or expect something more from her? now that you've had sex are you questioning if there is a future with her? or is it just a guilty feeling of "ohhh man what have I done" how can I face her in the future now that we've lain together. If she gets in touch with you great. If not don't pursue.. and when you do see each other be casual about it and let her take the lead. You didn't do anything wrong.

That would be me!!!! on my 6'1" frame my 38 b-c cups look teeny. Heck even when I reached D status while pregnant... they looked teeny in comparrison. As small as they are, I was insecure about nursing my kids... and guess what...the body produces as much as the demand is. So... they served their biological purpose. As far as size on men... sometimes it does matter, and it is a matter of personal preference. You've heard the adage that its not the size of the member but what you do with it that counts?? This is very true. The female body is built such at most of the nerve endings for orgasm are located on the outside of her vaginal walls. The clit. And she only has about 2" of nerve endings into the vaginal canal. The rest is just a "FULLNESS" feeling. If you want to be a better lover then by all means educated yourself on human physiology and sexuality. Knowledge is power. BTW... while I applaud you wanting to get into a "svelt" shape..do so sensibly. Crash diets seldom are sustainable weight losses. Your goal should be a "life style" change in eating, not a crash course short term goal. Depleat your body of essential nutrients, vitamins and minerals and you will wack out your whole system and quite possibly affect your sex life in an adverse way.

Your BF is most probably well endowed. Lucky girl! and what he's hitting is your CERVIX... which can be quite painful. Rear entry position will go deeper. Some prefer this position. Also, Amazon (woman on top) will also allow for a deeper penetration. However, with Amazon "YOU" can control the depth of the penetration and the Angle. When I've felt my CERVIX being hit.. its feels like a sharp stabbing pain. The first time can feel like a sucker punch to the gut... and you find yourself sucking wind. You may also experience a little vaginal spotting afterward. I can tell you that the vagina is very elastic and accomidating. In time you will adust to him and it won't happen again. Then again... if he is overly big in length compared to the size of you... it may not. Just like all penis length is not the same... Vaginal canals also come in different lengths and sizes. Be honest with him and tell him what happened.... I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. Maybe he can make sure he doesn't push in as far.

Reading your post reminded me of an old song by NAZARETH.... "Love Hurts" Also... I like the way that you let her "GO" to follow her dream of attending ART SCHOOL. You did not try to bind her, tie her down, or to be selfish and hold her back from her future. I think that is awesome... and it shows that you do indeed "LOVE" her. Sometimes you can "LOVE" someone but you let them go on their journey because its the best thing to do... either for THEMSELVES or for your own good. It brings up that cliche' "if you love something... set it free.. if it was meant it will come back to you... if not, it was never meant to be." Its painful to cut off all ties as you are doing. No emails. No text. No phone. If you are doing it to lessen the pain for the both of you... aye, then do it. But if you are doing it to punish, manipulate or force her to make a choice... then its wrong. It can be percieved either way, only you know in your heart WHY you are doing it. AS to her reasons for why she left... only she knows if she had ulterior motives, such as "wanting OUT of the relationship". However, she is moving on to go to college... to fufill her dream. I'm sure she's weighed out all the consequences and risks. Where does she see the relationship? Does she think there is a future? There are many people who do have LDR's and successfully. Think about that man who signs on into military service.. many of these LDR'S work. Or how about people who for economic reasons are seaparted geographically... because they have to. Having an LDR is difficult... it involves a lot of trust and communcation. The very foundation of "GOOD" relationships. The two are tested and measured to the limits in an LDR. ( long distance relationship). Love hurts, love scars, Love wounds, and marks, Any heart, not tough, Or strong, enough To take a lot of pain, Take a lot of pain Love is like a cloud Holds a lot of rain Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts Im young, I know, But even so I know a thing, or two I learned, from you I really learned a lot, Really learned a lot Love is like a flame It burns you when its hot Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts Some fools think of happiness Blissfulness, togetherness Some fools fool themselves I guess Theyre not foolin me I know it isnt true, I know it isnt true Love is just a lie, Made to make you blue Love hurts, ooh,ooh love hurts Ooh,ooh love hurts [guitar solo] I know it isnt true, I know it isnt true Love is just a lie, Made to make you blue Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts Ooh ooh love hurts Ooh ooh

No worries Melly.... As I said... there are many young women out there who are initiated into Ero's the WRONG way. When the 1st times ends up not to be so hot... and then the young man disappears without a trace. Its sure to leave you feeling vulnerable, alone, and maybe a bit shamed. You mentioned that you were a good Christian girl. You still are... very much so. Sex is a very human and natural expression of human emotion. There are some who believe it is only a method of procreation. My opinion runs counter to this as I believe it is an expression of human emotion and one of the BIGGEST gifts is procreation.. which is a reflection to the world of that emotion and that love. All lovely poetry eh?? but it doesn't help house, feed and raise that child. Something that "you" are not ready to do. And I believe "THAT" is why there are so many taboo's and misconceptions placed on pre-marital sex. You arn't ready for "that" type of responsibility. Because to LOVE a child... takes a lot more than just hugs and kisses. Please look ahead to your future... and take care of yourself. Make sure you are protected not only to prevent a pregnancy but more so to prevent the STD's that are so prevalent out there. There are many lessons in life... and most of them you will learn outside the school room. Inevitable. Take the gift.. the lesson and remember it. Move on. You are still a good Christian girl. Remember the core teachings... and don't bear malice toward this young boy. Forgive him because he may not have known any better and move on. But most of all... learn how to Forgive yourself. When you forgive yourself.. you build your self esteem. There are enough forces at work to tear it down darlin.... only YOU have the ability to keep them out.. and to keep yourself strong.

Well...there could be any number of things going on. He could be holding on to you as the ACE up his sleeve should his wife not want him back, or the reconcilliation NOT work. Dunno. He said that he wanted to stay on good terms and keep you as a friend. Fair enough. And you said you'd like to remain close and wish for his happiness above all. Fair enough. So... get over the romantic notions. Go out with your friends and have fun. Find yourself someone unattached and go out. Date a little... Live a little. Sitting around waiting for..... this.. will drive you up a wall. WHY sit your butt home every weekend waiting for someone to get their sheist together???? and if they do get it together you "may or may not have" a place in their lives??? LIFE is too short. Go out.. date and have fun.

((((( HUGS)))))) Then just drop him like a hot potatoe... you don't own him anything. I'm sorry that you landed in the position you did.. truly. It happens to the best of people who have the best of intentions. The reasons for an affair are as abundant as the stars. You've rediscovered your marriage and what you truly have. Hang on to it. The best thing to do is go COLD TURKEY. CUT him off at the knee's without any explanation. YOur marriage is explanation enough. If you are worrid that he might blackmail you or come after you... take the chance. Hold your breath and take the risk. If he does really LOVE you.. he will allow you to go and be happy as you choose.

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!!!!!!!! So you think a man who loves you would destroy YOU through disclosing to everyone and the world that he LOVES YOU and Only YOU... ???? Thats love? First of all... NO YOU OWE HIM NOTHING. We're all adults here.. if you want to end this thing then end it. Done. No footsy games under the table or if's and but's... done is done. IF that is what you truly want. HOWEVER.... it sounds to me that you would gladly ricky tick jump over that fence if he gave up the security of his marriage. hmmmmm And you stated above that your husband is a good man and doesn't deserve this. God I've heard that somewhere before. LOOK... something is seriously seriously flawed in your relationship with your husband. Either FIX IT.. or GET out. Have some compassion for the man. If you don't love him anymore.. don't pretend. Everyone deserves to be loved. Sounds to me like you are just waiting for a better ride to come along. Thats not fair, you know. FIX it or walk away. And your affair. If I had a dime.. you know how the rest of the cliche goes. I can't tell you how many times I've talked to men who claim they live with SATAN in HEALS at home. And then you feel all sorry for their sad puppy dog faces.. and think awwwww how sweet. And then this maternal nurturing mothering instinct takes over and you just wanna love them the way that that heII cat of a wife doesn't. awwww but then what happens... they don't wanna leave home. They claim 4 mores years.. 3 more years... 2 more years. Because of the kids.. because of finances.. whatever. BOLOGNA!!!! It is what it is.. so who is kidding who. Write him off... call it a speed bump on the journey of your life. And keep walking. TAKE CARE OF YOU. LOVE YOURSELF. Decide what you want to do with your life... can your marriage be fixed???? do you want to fix it??? If not then let it go before you end up hurting yourself or your husband further. And gosh forbid all the children involved. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh... but I think you need loving sweet kick in the tush. Write your own history.. dictate your own life.. don't let AFFAIR man dictate for you. dump him and move on.

HOLY SHEIST... I had to read your post a few times to realize you were not addressing ME!!!! I thought.... aaawwww man... what did I DO????

SDBLUE... There are many reason's why people will stray out of a marriage as there are recipes to make chocolate chip cookies. Why he did what he did.. why you did what you did... the whole HISTORY of your marriage and the way the chemistry worked. YOU WILL end up sitting down one day and write a chronical of events out for yourself to sort your head out. And I'm sure if he saw it.. he would not agree, because he has a different perspective on it. And that is why you are in the position you are right now.. .at that fork in the road. Many others have been here before you... and many others will follow. What is it that you need right now SD??? Vallidation?? Yeah.. hitting on your best friend, your sister, sharing nude pix of himself, cheating all are not condusive to a good marriage. If you find it HURTFUL to you.. then its not right. YOU DO what you feel you need to do in your heart. Are you happy? Can you live the way you've been living for the next 40 years? Is there any possibility of change or redemption? NO... then move on. As peacefully, respectfully, and as gracefully as you can.

This is a tough one, I know. But Sizzle is absolutely spot on. You have to grit your teeth and ditch him. NO CONTACT. Be cruel if you must.. Cruel to be kind, even if it kills you. The longer you boondoggle undecided the more you risk being detected. Cut this thing NOW. Be cold, detach.. and tell him its done. The hurt will eventually fade. In the meantime... really think about what it is in your marriage that you and "H" need to work on. What prompted you to stray.. what is it that you need that you arn't getting from your relationship.. .and seek ways to improve your marriage. If you don't... this may raise its ugly head again with another lover.