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  1. That's a very overwhelming thought to be carrying around. I can relate as I am approaching a (somewhat later) milestone. I have been working on having a dream of where I want to be in five years, then I start to break down the massiveness of it and start to look at little steps towards the future. Otherwise I have to go lie down.
  2. The important thing is that when we suffer from a trauma, it will often keep replaying in our heads. We will start to think of 'what ifs' and the frustrations of what has been done to us. We'll get frustrated and angry and beat ourselves up. 'I should have been stronger', 'I deserve this', 'If only I had...'. This ability to reflect is a great skill. The struggle is to turn it into an ally rather than a demon. We have our weaknesses, and our strengths. There is a tendency to get caught up in the negative. But really we have a lot to offer. Everyone does. I may be projecting, but when I read what you wrote, it sounds like you are beating yourself up. Bullying yourself in a way. That angry voice in your head that sounds like the bully from a long time ago, but is actually your own self-critic. It's trying to help you: 'Come on', what'S WRONG with you?', it wants you to get moving, get over it! But it's so toxic, and crippling, and it needs to be put in its place. As someone who has a hard time being kind to themselves, and is making this a daily practice, I totally relate. I have a voice in my head telling me I'll never get anywhere. And it's at least a twenty year old voice so it's really deep. But it's not there all the time (around 7pm it kind of has a break for a few hours, so I take it easy until then). There is lot of perfectionism, and people telling me what I should be feeling, and doing, in my head. And sometimes when it's quiet, what I actually WANT comes up, and it feels like I just pulled my head out from under the water for a moment. Then I write that down on a piece of paper and put it on the wall. Then I focus on being nice to myself. I have REALLY high expectations of myself and it's super-crippling a lot of the time, but not all the time, and that's what I focus on. In March I started small, just five minutes a day thinking about my work future, for a week, then increased it to 10 minutes a day each day. It's really triggering, so I can't handle much. But just that little bit has born fruit for sure. It's a slow process, I don't have many skills (we're not all bilingual y'know , but I have the time to devote to it. I'm making slow and (quite) steady progress. All the best to you
  3. Why not get a motorcycle license. Then you can get a car license later.
  4. I hear that you are feeling very angry and vengeful. It's ok to have these feelings of anger. It must be very frustrating, and I'm sure you know acting on them will not help. If you have nothing left to lose, then walk and away and make a new start. You sound traumatised. The best way to heal from trauma is to get away from the things that trigger you until you are strong enough to manage them again. Get some space, get some rest. Be kind to yourself. 2 weeks away from reminders of these people and you would notice a world of difference. It'S not really that you want them to suffer. It's more that you feel hopeless, and you are suffering, and you feel they have played a part in that. And you want power and hope back. Start to take power and hope back by walking away and giving yourself the space you deserve to begin to heal. Take WHATEVER space you need. It's ok to walk away from those who aren't beneficial to your healing and needs.
  5. I don't know if you can relate to this, but my depressive mind has a list of things that it uses to beat itself up when it wants to. One of those things is definitely a combination of 'not lived a full life/not experienced enough'. That got really amplified in relationships when my partner had had tons of experiences and would love to tell me about them. But ultimately it came down to how I feel about myself. If she wasn't there to trigger me, my mind would find something else to beat itself up with. That recognition helps me to take the power back and start to unwind. I'm sure if you think back, you can remember the thing before her that you used to sabotage yourself in this way. But sexuality is a huge trigger for sure. And in a situation where it's as intense as you are in, the trigger is there and your nervous system is not getting a chance to rest. It's stuck in a trauma response. You don't feel safe. And you need to feel safe. Chemically your brain can't function if you don't feel safe. And you can't think yourself into 'safe'. It's in the body. From a meditation standpoint, you could focus on allowing the thoughts in. Mentally share your girlfriend. It doesn't mean anything. You could sleep with everyone in your mind and it wouldn't mean anything. Also be aware that you don't remember things clearly that YOU experienced - and these fantasies you have of what happened with your girlfriend and other men are completely blown up (by your mind) to beat you up as much as possible. Your mind is not your friend in these situations. When you find yourself having these thoughts, try to examine the pattern- what were you thinking before it? Do you get angry with yourself, feel 'not good enough' and then wheel out these fantasies to punish yourself? (I know I do). The more you push these thoughts away, the bigger and stronger they get. Sit quietly and invite these fantasies- tell them "Come on- go full on. Let's have it. Do your worst!" Your mind is a crazy calculator that wants to protect you. It is throwing out "DANGER, DANGER" warnings to you that are crippling you. But can't you see it's trying to help? It wants to keep you safe. But it's neurotic. It's not helping. So give it a break. Let it have its silly moment. Laugh at it. Let it come up with whatever it wants. And remember that when it comes, it always passes again. It's just a nasty little bug in the system. If you don't fight it and push it away, it will pass. Let your mind go free and fantasise. You just sit and watch.
  6. Best two films I saw in the last year were both by the same director (though I didn't realise it at the time): "Frank" and "Room".
  7. Aaaarrrggghhhhhh Would help right now "Anger issues. You have anger issues". Ok. And? Did I have anger issues before you started telling me I had anger issues? How do you get angry with someone who is trying to make you angry? Who feels pleasure when you are angry. Even when you're not in front of them. When you're angry alone. They still see you. Happy. Being calm. "You're too calm". Being angry. "You have anger issues". You need help. Get help. Then come back. You were supposed to help me. What's going on? Google. Google. Google. Google. Porn. Alcohol. Google. Google. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Google........ search results: Gaslighting. Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!
  8. Be one Relax into knowing that none of this can happen without you The entire universe, as you know it, reports to you Including this body, these thoughts, this personality. And so what are you? Be one. Be one that watches pain One that watches joy. Be one with the one that experiences it all. Whatever its name. Freedom can come in a moment. Blessed and touched by a joy of seeing. Feel one. Be that which sees it all. You are freedom itself, effortlessly.
  9. You are capacity. There is a lot of things inhabiting this space Thoughts, feelings, senses, images. It's all happening right here. Remove all the things that are happening Remove the people you know Remove everything you see and hear In a vacuum, what are you? Without the things outside, out there, There is nothing to be found that can be called you Existing all of it in relationship to you You then, are space, in which it is happening What then, is the difference between all of that and you? Where does out there end and in here begin? Look at your hand- it's out there isnt it? Just like that person over there. Can you find anything that isnt just out there Watch it all, let it all pass through. This is the goal. And then you are free.
  10. Light floods in and eases my nighttime stirs But only for a brief moment am I allowed any solace It takes a few moments for the engine to kick in For the thoughts, that I left so willingly, to find me It takes courage to be alone and awake at the moment Especially now- there's never a break from it A constant humming of useless thoughts buzzing, buzzing Flying round and round demanding attention The insecurity kicks in first, asking what will you do today? Then the hatred, and the pride, invade breakfast Then futility of such navel gazing made all the worse By the knowledge that once outside I'll start pretending Life is with people, no great revelation made alone Anything you decide is you has to be tested as them You can't learn to enjoy life without a wall to bounce off Solitude can lead to all manner of trouble best avoided
  11. I posted this ages ago... I thought it was really obvious what it was about. But I now if I read it I guess its not clear at all. Bit of a messy one. It was about a girl I got totally obsessed with even though I'm in a relationship
  12. Don't do anything Don't engage in anything. Don't decide what to cook for dinner Don't think you should be going to the gym Don't plan to pick up that guitar again Don't do anything Don't do those things you don't need to do Don't turn on the tv Don't check your email Don't look at your cellphone again It doesn't matter now. Don't do anything Don't engage in anything It's wonderful. It's not empty, because the effortless filling of the vacuum is rich But not forced Don't do anything Don't engage in anything It's so great.
  13. It comes out suddenly It doesn't come out when it's forced It doesn't play when you look at it It doesn't like being named It lasts as long as you do not It runs for cover when you ask it a question It answers you when you ask "when will this end?" It is a sharp knife tip you teeter upon It likes you to breathe It feels much better about you than you think It does It forgives you always It is best when you are open It thrives when you don't defend anything It helps you keep yourself open It comes from others and you can feel it It can't be felt by those who want to be It only comes to those who do "being"
  14. The one I've got, it's fine I want want want though Want new, want exciting I'm motivated by the possibilites. Fresh feeling, thrilling endangermant Hard work about to be thrown from window In the name of lust and new distraction Nevertheless it's all looking pretty damn green. The one I've got, it's old But it's solid and full of life It's not going anywhere (good) It's not going anywhere (bad) Having both feels tantalising Thrill of having that new one We could both ignore the old And live and live and live....... our brains out. No no. This isn't going anywhere The guilt will kill us (I mean me obviously, since this is all about my throbbing, lustful, aching......ego). Damn I want to anyway.... But if I didn't feel guilty about it Or know what everyone would say I would've posted this in "relationships". Instead of "poetry".
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