gigi123

Hi Shadows! Your advice is so appreciated! I will look for those books and hopefully they will be of some help. I do want to tell you that he did act on this fantasy. He worked with her for six years and he had a sexual encounter with her. Then claimed no more. Though they worked together for 2 more years and he still wanted her. She begged him to have an affair twice. He kept this to himself for the last 16 years. Only now revealing it though I questioned him about it for years and he lied to me. I am beginning to think it is time to say goodbye. He has lied about other things also. Serious things that concern our children. The trust is gone. Still have two of my six children at home. (two teens) I fear hurting my kids. Have kept this together for them this long. I feel so confused I can't think straight.

Hey, Just read your story and my heart goes out to you. My story is here on the site somewhere (I am new yesterday and don't know how to tell you where). My situation is filled with the same basic issues. Loss, sadness, confusion, no trust, pain. I must tell you a good book having to do with emotional as well as sexual affairs. I has helped me to understand the many layers of betrayal. There is are two chapters at the back regarding staying or going. It is called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It was so helpful to me. Sadly, tonight my husband revealed another hidden lie after assuring me he was FINALLY being completely honest with me for the last month. It never seems to end. I can tell you one thing. I believe women have a very powerful emotional instinct! Every single time I thought he was lying to he - it was revealed that he was! Follow that instinct. Listen to your heart.

I need to thank all of you for sending me your wonderful thoughts and advice. I am in therapy alone and had just begun joint therapy with him. I began marital therapy on one condition! That he told me the absolute truth about those 5 years. No more lies. He swore that there was nothing left to tell! Tonight, in the middle of a fight - another huge lie is revealed. This is what he led me to believe since March (which by the way was when he walked out on myself and our children - I told him he could return after he swore I was in possession of the full and complete truth) well, since March I have been led to believe that after the second Christmas party (January 1988) she again pimped herself out to him. He was "horrified" (ha!) and refused her. He then broke off all but minimal contact in work. She then resigned from the company around September, 1988 - 8 months later. On the last day of her employment, he mysteriously stayed home. Every time, and there were plenty, I asked why he didn't go to work that day and he would say, "No particular reason". She even brought her venom into my home by calling to say "good bye" to him. A fact I always thought odd. He denied for 16 years that he stayed home to avoid her. Now that the affair is out in the open he told me "It had been over with her for 8 months by the time she left. I had no feelings at all for her". What emerged tonight was this: "Around the time she left, I began to think that this was an opportunity to have that affair with her. No one would ever find out now that she was gone from the company." Another lie that hit me in the gut! Eight months AFTER he claimed to have "put her out of his mind", he was missing her and contemplated that it was now the perfect time to have that affair he had turned down twice! I am sick to my soul as I type this. I allowed him back into our home (where our two teenagers still live and I had great concern about) I began therapy with him based on the fact that he told that I had the full truth about his feelings toward her and knew all the facts. It is abundently clear that I can never believe any words he is likely to say to me. The worst is ahead. We have a fractured family now because my oldest daughter has taken his side. She is married and the mother of my two joys in life - my baby granddaughters. I haven't seen them in six weeks. My heart is broken over this. My other five are trying their best to cope. And I am just so tired I want to give up. I feel empty inside. Dead. How do I deal with this pain? I believe I am married to a man who uses lies as his weapons to hurt me.

It was just revealed to me after 24 years that my husband was sexually obsessed with a woman at work. For 5 years he had daily fantasies about her. She was married and had an interest in him also. He pictured her in bed with him, Screwing her in the shower. looked at her body at work, wanted to have sex with her but didn't have the nerve. He says that during the first three years the only things that acutually occurred between them were a few extra minutes after meetings where she flattered his knowledge. In no other way was this attraction manifested. I find this hard to believe. No lunches, dinners, drinks, ........says he was never alone with her. After three years there was an office Christmas party. Too much to drink and she followed him out. They got in her car and went to a private spot. He admitted wanting sex but after touching her he stopped and said it was wrong. The next week she proposed an affair. He said, "No, I am flattered but married" translate: I wish I could, but I can't. Nothing more for a year (same denials - only work related) then another "innocent Christmas Party" this took place 6 months after our son died. I cannot understand why he would have gone except to have another go at her and this time accept her offer. He claims he can barely remember the party but one week later she was in the office again. "I don't know where you head's been since you child died, but would you still like to have an affair?" Claims he said "no" Now - background.............During most of the "obsessive years" I was a stay at home mom with five children. This has all emerged starting in January of this year due to his being in therapy. Bit by bit............he would reveal some previous lie. The final truth told to me was to quote him: "I used you when I really wanted sex with her", "you were her stand-in" "In the dark I was with her" "I wasn't about to have sex with her so I pretended you were her instead". Our lovemaking at that time changed. Became more graphic and rough. As though, when I now reflect, he was speaking to her. My probelm is so layered. Feelings of such betrayal. The 24 year lie. continually, for the last 16 years we fought about this woman and his attraction to her. I suspected it then and he has denied it for the last 16 years. Sometimes turning on me in anger to just let it go. The hardest thing for me to cope with was him using my body. I feel like he raped me without my knowledge. How could I have been so stupid? I feel like I was worthless to him. Rejected at the basic level. Sexually. I am obsessed with getting all the details from him now. I feel l want to know how he pretended? What did he think? Did he feel any guilt over using me? He is pretty vague. There are still large gaps in the story. How was this sexuall atraction manifested in the office. Not even a personal conversation for 5 years - yet he had a obsession of this magnitude? Only one sexual encounter and he rejected her after imagining it for three years? This seems unlikely. I am stuck because he seems to have a very hollow memory of that time. I believe he is still keeping secrets. I can't heal and trust again if I don't know my past. I feel like he stole 24 years of my life. I had two more children during that time, moved three times, made major life decisions with this man. And during those five years................he pretended I was someone else in bed. How do I cope with these feelings?