Shadows Light

In the meantime ladies... while we are all waiting for our prince charmings..... why don't you read some great books!!! The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love by Jill Conner Browne actually there are a series of books about the SWEET POTATO QUEENS... and they talk about some of the trials and tribulations of being a gorgeous woman and trying to find a good man..... or darn it.. a DATE!!!!! in a very humorous way.... it'll tickle your funny bone and lift your spirts. I just picked up THE SWEET POTATO QUEENS BOOK on Wedding Planning and DIVORCE... Its a riot!!!

It does cross ones mind sometimes don't it. There's a MOM whose kid is in the same cheerleading squad as my kid. I swear she walks around with a permanent "SCOWEL" on her face....if you try to exchange pleasanntries and small talk she looks at you like you are a maggot from mars. She's got this black dark cloud permeating through her pores and radiating out. You soooo don't want to be near her to catch those "KOOTIES" seems like a very angry person. And the thing to do with these individuals??? DON'T take it personally. Its their reality. Their own poison. Getting involved with it... only gets that poison closer to you. As grandma always used to say..."The more you touch chit.. the more it smells... leave it be."

He Comes Next: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (Hardcover) by Ian Kerner. You can pick up a copy at AMAZON. The companion book is "SHE COMES FIRST" both are about ORALLY pleasuring each other.

But from what his family and he himself have told me, their entire She's a spoiled brat. What do you know about her background? Her family home growing up? where did she learn these behaviors. It really rests on your "BF's" hands. He's taught her to behave this way. She pushed the boundaries.. and kept getting away with it. She does what works for her. You don't have children yet.... but trust me.. they PUSH YOU. At 3 years old they try the "TEMPER TANTRUMS" to get thier way.. and whoa is to you "MOM" if you give in. Becaue then everytime that child wants to get their way.. they will throw a trantrum. MY "X" learned this behavior as a child. And his MOTHER was the same way... when and if she wanted things the way she wanted them... she'd throw a hissy fit and make life hell. DUH!!! and it was "ME" who allowed and indulged him those boundaries. Harriet Learner wrote a book "Dance of Anger"... I found helpful in understanding angry people. And there is one by Melodie Beatie "Co-dependency No more"....for those of us who allow people to push our boundaries. I'm a single MOM... and I do fight my own battles with my "X"....and believe me that keeps me hopping. I am so scared that I will wind up in a postion like you are now...only worse by having to fight a battle on two fronts. I just won't do it. So I don't date.. eeek.

Without bad... by what yard stick would we measure good. Without hate... by what yard stick would we measure love. The duality of light and dark... good and bad... love and hate... is a beautiful thing. Its a wonderful balance. And balance can be found in nature as well. I have good days... and I have bad days... and I love my life. Without all the pain and suffering I've had to endure thus far... I wouldn't be the strong person I am today. I wouldn't be who I am. And without the good stuff... I wouldn't have a yard stick to meausre it by.

1: CONGRATS!!!!! WOW WOW WOW !!!! that is awesome. I so wanted to learn to fly way back when.... I'm sooo happy for you. Thats awesome!!!

I agree with Dako.... bad idea to be living with him at this time. He owns this mess he should clean it up... and he shouldn't have brought it on your doorstep. Sets a bad precidence. But... he's already there so..... he's talked to his lawyer, I'm surprised the lawyer hasn't done "ANYTHING" for him. He works for him, not the other way around. What you need is a restraining order. A restraining order pretty much prevents the "BOTH" of them from altercations. Each is allowed to come into the driveway (PEACEFULLY) for the exchange of the child. Neither is allowed to come into the house or come at all hours of the night pounding on the door, screaming and cussing. Its a violation of the order. Just having one in place.... may... quiet her down. However, should your BF get a R.O. he has to follow it by the letter of the law... and if she comes in the middle of the night... you call 911... she'll get charged. And "THAT" will help with a child custody case. The one who has more on his side in concrete paperwork.. usually wins. Your BF needs to step up to the plate. He can not calm her down...or placate her as he's been doing, she will continue on her cycle of terror because it "WORKS" it gets a response. The BEST response to VIOLENT ANGERY BEHAVIOR is Cold Stone-walling. No response. Just a cold stone wall. You calmly pick up the phone and let someone else handle it. When harassement persists... you track it with the legal authorities. Again. And Again... and Again.. until it stops. Everytime you "FEED" the dragon, lose your temper and try to get your point accross... you only make the dragon angrier.

YES YES YES YES YES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AC/DC "Highway to HeII" Janis Joplin "Take another piece of my heart" Minitry "Jesus built my hotrod" BareNaked Lady "One week" Creed "Higher" Lifehouse 'Hanging by a moment" Metallica "St. Anger" Kid Rock "Devil without a cause" Stevie Ray Vaughan "Tin pan Allay" Bob Geldof "I hate mondays" Audio Slave "show me how to live"

SOCIAL DISTORTION LYRICS "Live Before You Die" When pressures up and the stress is high and I wanna bid this world good bye I'm gonna bury my frustrations grab some of life's satisfactions yeah I'm gonna live before I die I try to find some peace of mind when my life's treating me unkind paiin will be my motivation I'm gonna use my imagination yeah I'm gonna live before I die [Chorus So close your eyes, and embrace your memories leave your troubles and your worries far behind stop contemplating and start celebrating yeah you gotta live before you die I think of chances I didn't take i try to learn from my mistakes, yeah I'm tired of being pushed around now life ain't gonna drag me down now yeah, I'm gonna live before I die [Chorus]

PS.... you can do so much better. He can try to quit smoking weed... and he can make promises... but that doesn't mean it will happen. You are a bright bright young lady. Walk away from this while you still can before you have kids with him. And you will be ok... you will be fine. If you can hang with your friends and your family.. they will pull you through.

checking the hour on my clock... you are probably with him right now. My 2 cents??? sign the papers and be stone-wall cold unemotional. At least thats how I hope you handled it. However... I'm willing to bet, he pulls a HOOVER maneuver on you. He'll guilt you... beg you... condemn you.. and hoover hoover hoover. He'll gas light until he gets his point accross and you start believing he is in the "RIGHT" You did NOTHING wrong. What kind of "crap" is that to pull on someone... "You'll never get married again." "No one will want you." "Good luck to the next pitiful soul you run accross".... of all the narcassitic prigs. If you are soooooo god-awful bad.. then why does "HE" want to be with you???? does he think he's gonna "FIX" you... make you "right again"... teach you right from wrong. Puuulllllleeeeeeaaaaaazzzzzzzzeeeeee!!! the man is a controlling narcisist passive-aggressive pain in the tush. Stand your ground. He doesn't expect you to. He's counting on you being weaker than he is...and is counting on getting his way. THIS is not a mutually equal relationship. Its a POWER TRIP.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. We tend to be our own worst critics. Quit beating yourself up woman!!! the world does it for us enough. You are still the beautiful vibrant woman with 'tude... that you were before you met your "H". Get you game back on.... and get it together. YEP... you need to LOVE YOU first before you can love someone else. AND YES... sometimes we do fall in love with people who are toxic to us. Sometimes we do give more than we get... and sometimes the love we get in return is NOT the type of LOVE we need. Marriage takes work and committment... on BOTH your parts. You both have to want it. You both have to work at it. What are you so looooow in the dumps for?? Because you were already divorced once and you feel like you got taken for a ride again?? happens to the BEST of us. It doesn't make you any LESS than. Relationships are hard work sweets... and if he's "NOT" going to work at it with you, You can't scale this mountain on your own. Advice to you.... seek Counseling for yourself. To get your thought processes on a more even keel. Get plenty of rest and exercise. Walk... run.. lift weights... work out. Its GREAT for the Happy Hormones and helpig you to feel good about yourself. Treat yourself. Romance yourself. Love yourself. No one can Love you as well as you can LOVE yourself, and no one can tear you up more or faster than what you do to yourself. AND GET HIM INTO MARRIAGE COUNSELING WITH YOU. If he doesn't want to or see a problem... look at the DATA, Analyze it.... and make a decision.

I rarely ever wore mine. The nature of my work dictated that I couldn't. Sometimes for safety sake they can't be worn at the work-place. And there are times I was afraid if I took them off and pocketed them... I'd lose them. Rings are a symbol yes. But they arn't magic. I was hit on more by men when I was wearing a RING on my finger. hmmmmm..I wonder if I should go back to wear a ring now that I'm single (LOL). My grandparents didn't wear rings... they couldn't afford them. My parents didn't wear rings due to the nature of their jobs. It would have been dangerous. Nope... they are not magic.. and now that I'm sitting on the other side of the fence "Divorced" that piece of paper doesn't mean squat either. What bears weight and meaning is the covenant and the promises you make to each other.

Blood in your stool "IS" something to be concerned about. Don't just assume its hemroids. It could be anything. This isn't something to self-diagnose. Make an appointment to see your doctor.

Christina Aguilera - "Fighter"

I don't think anyone whose had to file for divorce... ever thought of or planned or believed in divorce. You don't get married to get divorced thats for sure. We all want that happily ever after. The divorce rates are hitting at 60% in some area's of the country and less in other areas. The number generally quoted is 50%. If... in the area that I live in because of economics, dense population whatever the numbers are at 60% that means 40% stay married. (according to census reports and how much of that number are first time marriages vs remarriages...don't know). If 40% stay married... how many who are in it... are truly happy? How many stay due to economic reasons, children, social and status? Turn over every rock you can to find a solution. So.. he's not listening to you or hearing you. Demand to go to a marriage counselor together. If there is NOTHING to worry about... as he claims then he can't object to someone sitting in on your conversation. If one person has an issue with the marriage... YOU BOTH have an issue. If its not good for one.. its not good for both. And.... if he won't go. Then you go find a counselor for YOU. Why??? you want to turn over every rock to figure this out don't you? No matter how things turn out down the line.... you will HAVE THAT for YOU. You will be able to say.. I have done what I can. Try reading Dr. Phils book... "Relationship Rescue"... I did like this book. He had a lot of no nonsense down to earth things to say on relationships... and HOW TO's.... it may help. For me.. it was too late. But then again, in my relationship there wasn't an area of our marriage we didn't have problems. I can't honestly tell you.. if possibly having issues in one area of our relationship.. just spiralled and infiltrated into every other area of our marriage. Some relationship books and shrinks will tell you this does happen. You've heard.. COMMUNICATION... COMMUNCIATION... COMMUNICATION is key. To have communication, open dialog... you both have to be giving and recieving. Kind of like... to have a conversation on the telephone, he's gotta pick up the phone and listen. If not.. your talking to a machine... you are talking to the wall. If you were talking to a "FRIEND" and got no response from your best friend.... WHAT would you do???? wouldn't you offer your FRIEND the courtesy of listening? and if you hang up... or don't show interest in what your friend has to say... do you honestly think that friendship would survive???? Your marriage is a "FRIENDSHIP" w/ a deep intimacy. Thats what distinquishes it from say.... a friendship with your GF. When the both of you said I DO... you agreed to "SHARE"your lives... and that means... open dialog and communication. You need to somehow get him to HEAR YOU... to LISTEN to you... Understand you and meet you half-way. You both need to problem solve together.

Find out exactly what is holding him back? Commitments? Job? Stuff? other romantic involvement? Live in? Wife? Fear of the unkown? Fear of leaving his family and friends? Leaving the security of a job... not having a job when he gets to you? being dependant on you??? whats the deal? If you are starting to keep score... about how much you've invested vs how much you are getting... you are in trouble.

I can't say that I know how to help you. Except to give you a sisterly hug and tell you... ."I KNOW" been there. Like you... I did the research. Read most every relationship book I could get my hands on. Attended counseling for myself...thinking something was wrong with me. Got him to attend marriage counseling with me... where he effectively managed to put all of our problems on "MY SHOULDERS".. lol. You see... we switched counselors until we found one that agreed with him. (gawd.. i was so blind). We had a number of issues and dynamics hitting our relationship. He became increasingly controlling, passive aggressive, manipulative, narssassitic, emotionally and verbally abusive. He insisted NOTHING was wrong with us. That it was NORMAL for couples who were in a long term relationship NOT to make love, have sex for extended periods of time. (MONTHS?????). I did find that PO*N was his shtick. He loved his porn. I'm no prude... but I started feeling that I didn't meausure up. I found out that he would watch porn, read erotica, get on line... just prior to an intimate encounter with me. You can imagine my self esteem took a major dump. Looking in the mirror... I'm still one "HOT MAMA".... and its not because I'm a MOM now that we were having issues. The issues started way way way before we had children. And I was bent on "till death do us part" to make it work. I'd finally found... "GAY PORN"... and NO I was not snooping. It was on a shared computer and I found it quite by accident. So many things slid into place for me. Puzzle's started to fit. BUT I trudged on to make it work. My "X" started becoming more increasingly abusive. His cycles of ANGER... closer and closer together. He started accusing "ME" of being unfaithful and started to become ever more vigilant about how i spent my time. I'd never noticed that he did... watch.... did control... until it picked up speed. I know.. .I tried. I know that I turned over every rock and tried every answer. But the fact of the matter is... I could not CHANGE him into something I wanted. He wouldn't meet me half way. He wouldn't acknowledge that if one of us had an issue with the relationship... we BOTH had a problem. There are 2 that makes the whole. The only person i could change and control is me. I'd tried changing myself in countless of ways during our relationship. Trying to please him. Trying to make him happy. Trying to accomidate. And guess what.. I wasn't happy. I'd lost myself. and nothing really would change the dynamics of this relationship. When I was done.... i was finally done. That is MY STORY... abreviated. My advice to you is.... try to find a good marriage counselor. You need to get your issues on the table and find a solution to them. YOU SEEK counseling for yourself.. so you can further explore your feelings and your options. NO.. YOU DO NOT WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR... DON'T capitulate and allow the final shred of self-esteem you have left in you to grind you into the ground. NOT WORTH IT. SEX and INTIMACY is a very important part of a relationship. By no means at the TOP of the hiaerchy of needs..but when you don't have it... YES, it goes up in the importance quotient. The only thing that distinquishes a good friendship from a LOVE relationship is the level of INTIMACY. if you do not have INTIMACY to share... then what do you have??? A good friend?? Hopefully you have that much. If you are "STILL" good friends... he will want for your good as well as his own.. and he will want to find a solution to your issues. Together.

1. Comfortable in my own skin. 2. Independent 3. Creative and a Risk Taker 4. Courageous and Brave 5. Outragious fun and flirty

My very first post on this thread....Number 42. What the heck are you doing here then Tommyboy??? Live on/Rock on.... If you feel so darned "great" about yourself... "why do you have a need to BRAG about it" feeling a little insecure? or just loving the attention? Dontcha get enough attention from friends, wife and your "BABY"???

You are not crazy... there is "NOTHING" wrong with you. Its crazy making... and gas lighting.... and hoovering... its the endless cycle. You start looking for triggers to see what the predictors are... oh him blowing. But he keeps you off balance... you never know. I hope you had a chance to go to that web site I sent out. There's a ton of good info for you. The forum that is attached to it is wonderful. There are so many others like you... who feel trapped and don't see a way out. YOU do not need his permission to take care of YOU and take care of your child. Growing up in an abusive household is NOT good for a child. Even if its not what you would call... "CLASSICALLY" abusive. meaning he's not a dead drunk who breaks things and beats on you. Verbal/emotional abuse is REAL. And sometimes leaves deeper wounds and scars that can't be seen.... and take soooooo very long to heal.

I really wonder about his wife and how much she knows. What she thinks. There are people who do turn a blind eye to the spouse having another on the side... as long as their little world stays the same. Meaning... they are married simply for the comfort and security tha the marriage bond affords. I don't think I'd like this type of relationship. As another poster said... you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. YEP... There's a lot of stone throwing because its not a generally accepted principle in our monogomous society. But then again.. things to do change. Not so long ago we'd have never had sit com soap opera's dealing with POLYGOMOUS lifestyles... and yet, we do now. So to interacial marriages weren't acceptable or talked about... same goes with same sex marriage. We see it more and accept it. Not that much of a taboo. However... the way he described this relationship.. it really was a PAY FOR SEX type deal. It wasn't even an affair of the heart where two souls lose their heads and hearts over each other in the name of love. THIS is a business contract. Money exchanged for services. And yes.... we're all a little offended at the idea. He talked about LOVE a few posts down. THIS changes the thread.... he thinks he maybe buying her LOVE. Not the first time its happened.. lol. SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM.. she won't even kiss him on the lips. Its a contract deal. Quite obviously.. he is NOT happy having to pay for it. He feels like a PERVERT and he wants to quit. If his marriage at home was a "good" one... mayhap he wouldn't be paying for sex on the side. Who knows. HIS wife could be happy as a CLAM with the way things are. Happy as a CLAM that she doesn't have to perform for him... but enjoy the fruits of his labor. Tommyboys jaunt on the net may just upset WIFES apple-cart. Do you see what I'm saying. lol. I hope he does quit seeing this woman. She won't love him or appreciate him the way he longs to be. And I do hope he comes to some kind of resolution to the issues in his marriage. Tommyboy.. I do hope you'll come back and let us know how you are... and what happens. Wishing you all the best.

Tommyboy... We're alll human and as such have failings, make mistakes. Seek and you shall find, look and you will see, open your ears and you will hear. You came here looking for answers and I do hope you found them. Put an effort into fixing your marriage... and if its not right for you, then you get out. You both deserve to be "loved".

Yes... those early primary relationships are the ones that imprint us with "HOW THINGS SHOULD BE" even when we later "KNOW" there was wrong in those relationship... we then struggle with how it should be? we don't know? You may have some abandonment issues with your dad. Can you see where she needs/craves praise. Needs/craves acceptance. Needs/craves the strokes???? If she can never please her parents and is never good enough. She needs to get those affirmations somewhere.... From you... from her friends. and yes... the frat. Don't knock her for it... she may not realize it. And you.... that losing a primary relationship... you just may be keepig a closer guard on her... watchful... waiting... for that other shoe to drop. Don't predict your own demise... it just may happen that way.