underpressure

Thank you for the link to the smoms site, it has a lot of good information and advice. I understand (sort of, I have only been dealing with this stuff about a year) what you are saying in regards to "at what cost??" But I really love this man, and yes, I may be young and in way over my head with all of this nonsense, but I really cannot imagine finding someone who could be more loving and supportive than he is. Despite all of what is going on, I know he is now putting his best foot forward, it's just hard for me to get over the past and stop worrying about the future. I really wish there was some way to get through to his ex and make her realize, at the very least, how her actions are adversely affecting her daughter...if she doesn't already....I really don't see how she cannot see that, and I think she holds resentment towards my boyfriend because she KNOWS he is the better parent. When she has their daughter, she spends I'd say 85% of the time at her parent's house. I mean, she doesn't even cook for her child! My boyfriend has seen the contents of the fridge, and it consists of soda, hot pockets, pizza rolls, etc. What really bothers me is wanting to know WHY this woman is like this, I really feel the need to know, but at the same time, I am well aware that I never will, because I'm sure even SHE doesn't know. I just don't understand how some people can be so hateful.

I did file charges, but the state's attorney is not prosecuting them because she claims it sounds like a "cat fight" and nothing would come of it in court. Basically, she came to our house flipping out at him, screamed at him outside, i heard her tell him she had been banging on the door for half an hour before we answered it (we had been upstairs, did not hear anything). At that point he came inside, she started storming off to her car (she had their 5 year old in it, running and unnattended with the windows down while she did all of this). I told her to grow up, she stormed up to the door, we engaged in a verbal argument, she pushed the door in and punched me in the face, he got inbetween, took him about 5 minutes to get her out of the house, she kept fighting to get around him to hit me again. I called the police. I also applied for a peace order, the temporary one was approved (1 week), but the judge at my final hearing said it was a "mutual affray" or a "brawl" eventhough I never touched her, and denied it. In the future when she comes to our residence acting that way, he has agreed to call the police. They are currently in mediation, and they agreed in there that she is not to step on the property, part of "personal boundaries". To top it all off, after she found out I had pressed charges against her, she pressed charges against HIM for assault and false imprisonment, which is a total lie. Her statement in her charges and statement to the police officer (he went to her residence after he interviewed my boyfriend and i) are completely contradictory. When she talked to the police officer she admitted to hitting me, but said it was an accident, and made no mention of my boyfriend treating her badly at all, just stated that he "got in between us" but in her charges claims that he held her arms from behind her back and refused to let her leave. She is crazyyyy, and I am scared that this nonsense is never going to end. Even after the divorce is finalized. Custody is never final, and I know what this is all about ( because custody= money), I'm afraid she is just going to keep doing this kind of thing for the rest of our lives.

If the things she does and way she treats him started when he and I began dating I would be a bit more understanding. But from what his family and he himself have told me, their entire relationship and post-relationship (before me) was like this. If he did anything she didn't like, she would throw a huge fit. If he wanted to take their daughter to the park or camping and she didn't want him to, she would take their daughter to her parents house and refuse him entry to the house or access to his daughter. If he didn't come over and fix something at the house or pay a bill because she was "broke" (she lived in their marital home for a year and a half after separating without paying one household bill) she would refuse him access to their child, even over the phone. I have expressed my distress about all of this to him, and over the past months he has definitely made positive strides, it just seems like there is no end to it sometimes. or that everytime i start to see a light at the end of the tunnel it is suddenly blocked by her banging on our door screaming or calling his phone at 11 pm to insist that he bring back a shirt their daughter left at our house.

My boyfriend is currently in the midst of a messy divorce. (no, not because of me) he and his ex have been separated for just about two years, I met him 11 months after their separation. They have no custody agreement. She continually witholds custody/visitation and refuses him any overnights with their daughter, if he attempts it she comes to our house and throws a fit. He is a push over and rather than taking action against her, like calling the police, he will stand outside for an hour trying to calm her down and then give into her anyway. She tells their five year old daughter she isn't allowed to stay the night here, that I am a bad person, etc. I have spoken my mind to his ex twice and both times it has erupted into an argument, the last time with her hitting me, no charges are being prosecuted because it was a "mutual affray". My boyfriend has since spoken to his lawyer about all of this and is actually pursuing joint custody which is what he sees as fair. However, his ex continues to act erratically, cusses him out (sometimes in front of their daughter) anytime he disagrees with her and makes deragatory comments about me any chance she gets. I know that everything will be somewhat worked out once they have their custody hearing. I am just at my wits end. I understand that my boyfriend has no control over how she acts, and I try to be as supportive as possible, I just can't take it sometimes when he lets her treat him that way. I love him dearly, but sometimes I don't know if it's right for me to stay in this situation right now. I want to be with him in the long run, i'm just not sure how much more of both of their nonsense I can take!! I really need some advice on how to deal with all of this. I understand that I need to refrain from making comments to her when they are arguing, but is it wrong of me to ask her to leave when she comes to our home and is banging on the door at all hours of the night?? I know she is there to talk to him, but I live here as well and her coming to our home, banging on the door and screaming causes me more stress than I know how to deal with. I just really need some advice on how to cope with all of this. I consider myself a pretty strong person, but I can only take so much. I feel like I'm drowning.