xmrth

He is 22. He said he was looking at them but they were too expensive. One he was telling me about was $1,000. I think he thought I'd be happy to know he was looking at them but didn't get them? I asked him well then how much were these earrings? And he said those were expensive too, but my guess after looking at the Kay site is $200 ish the most. I have no idea when it was that he said he was more affectionate because he was young, but I can understand because I'm not all mushy either. He probably said that to me a few years ago at the least but it's not something I talk to him about.

This will drive you crazy and push him away if you continue to get paranoid, because you'll probably want to call and keep making sure. You have to trust that he's back with you and that everything is okay... he may even be approaching the relationship differently this time around, or maybe it's another circumstance like he's busy. Just be really casual like you're back in the relationship solid when you do get in touch with him and see how it goes.

That is what I don't understand is the change... I have gone through so much change and am not the same person I was even 2 years ago, and even more years before that. He has changed in ways but not much I can tell, or at least not in a way that has effected me. I think we do have the same goals, but he wants to talk about them more when we can actually do something about it. He wants to get a house together and then we'd be engaged... but I'm in college for one more year, my 4th and then I'm done. He wants to do those things but it's kind of where it is now until I'm out so we can do something about it. And yes Vanilla, any kind of ring. It bothers me because couples so much younger and with relationships not nearly as long as ours have rings. But he gave me rings in high school... With his affection, he was still never the big affectionate type. He was never romantic or anything, but he was just sweeter... he says it was because he was young, but with gifts I feel like that shows all those things, or should..

That is a lot of it too, is the thought... such as if it's not the thought then I get hung up on what it's worth now. But previously, just seeing how excited he was to give me past jewelry made me feel so happy. This year he tried to be surprising but I feel really critical about it. If I had gotten a ring, any kind of ring at all, I absolutely would be satisfied... because I think that is the most sentimental gift I could ever get from him. He bought me rings in high school, but they were like $15- rings, but regardless of that, I didn't think much of them just because he didn't address them as anything... except one, was to have to show I'm taken and all that. But I was so much younger and took so many things for granted, and he's not that kind of person where he's romantic and sweet like that anymore. That hurts me a lot to have done that and to just think about it. I feel like there's a lot of times where there's more to it than what I'm seeing.. I'm hoping this is one of those times I'm trying to figure out.

When I was younger I used to wake up "upside down" where my head would be to the foot of the bed.

I don't want to be so materialistic and needy and greedy and selfish. This is the kind of stuff I can't tell people, and that's why I'm on here. This is what I really think deep inside, and it sounds sick, I know. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I've been tossing and turning these feelings for a while now. I think I just need the right people to talk to about it, and I think this is the perfect place. Particularly around this past Christmas, but never before this year have I let this kind of thing bother me-- I've always been really happy with any gift my boyfriend gives me. He wasn't feeling the gift giving for my birthday or for Valentine's day, so for my birthday he just got me flowers because I gave him "unrealistic ideas," like a ring! (which is kind of funny-- read on about that) So our anniversary comes... he was kind of whatever about it this past year (7 years together now) and the year before that, but we always go out for a nice dinner and have a good time. But I was really upset he didn't even care to get me a gift still. So come Christmas, he got me these really pretty diamond hoop earrings-- and he was like "I got them over a month ago" (before our anniversary. Supposedly.) And I like them a lot. I was talking to this girl I work with about whether or not she thinks my boyfriend would like what I got him or not and she said "Yeah!! Of course!" and I just got him little things this year, but it was more quantity. The past years I've gotten him nicer things that cost more, kind of like how jewelry is to a girl. Keep in mind I'm in college and have NOOO money, but I do have a job. In previous years I've charged because I have wanted to get him really nice things to show how much I care. She said something to me like "it shouldn't matter-- all throughout the year are gifts; whenever you go out to dinner, it's a gift, whenever either of you pays for something, it's a gift." And so I felt better both ways about it... and then she comes in with a 1k necklace from her boyfriend of under 1 year... and I got these earrings that were like $150-ish after being with mine for 7 years. Anything he's gotten me has been around that amount-- a bracelet was I think $200-250-ish. I feel like it measures how much he loves me. What BUGS ME TO NO END is that when he gave me the earrings, he actually TOLD me he was looking at rings (like a promise ring-- he called it a friendship ring though, and I looked it up on Google and it's another term for promise?) and he's like "I was looking at some rings, but one was like 1k with the insurance and it was too much... and then I saw this other one but I didn't really like it. I have been asking myself, WHY does this matter to me? And really... I think I really do measure it because he is not an affectionate person, and I don't mind it because I just get hung up on other things to see that he cares. But I feel like when he doesn't care to give me a gift, or does and he's making pretty damn good money, then it bothers me. But see, I don't know his full situation. His money definitely goes to other things like stock and 401k and those kinds of things. And then again, how do I not know if nowadays he's saving to get me a nice ring for you-know-what? I even ran that by him and he joked "Good, now I have an excuse!" That is so terrible to say! And I get hung up on other couples and what they do... like his sister and her boyfriend go away together, he bought her a dog, buys her expensive things... but they are a few years older and are really making money, you know? I feel like I'd be surprised at how much he already does for me if I could just realize it... I just have that guilty feeling, and I feel selfish. I want to know what other people think, and I'm sure others have felt this way and hopefully gotten over it. I want to know how, too. Martha

College hasn't interfered with my relationship one bit. I see my boyfriend on the weekends anyways but even when I do see him during the week it doesn't really interfere. So all week long, especially during the semesters, I go out to all the gallery openings with my friends, I can go to all the fun events and see everyone... and have that social aspect from college. I don't live on campus, but plenty of the people who I know that do, are in serious relationships. And their boyfriends visit them as well as the other way around-- even by plane! A semester is only really 3 months long... and then there's the breaks and whatnot, especially in the long summer. Don't go into it thinking it's doomed from the start. Let it play out how it will... work with it a bit, and see what happens. It could even be good for your relationship to have that time apart and to see how well you both handle it as a couple.

I completely agree. I've been in the same situation-- my boyfriend undoubtedly cared, but he stopped holding doors for me, and stopped showing any kind of affection all on his own. It was a mixture of his own ways of showing he cares, which I now realize and no longer take for granted, along with gently explaining how he shows a lack of interest which eventually lead to him doing a lot of those little things that shows he cares. I think first what you have to is talk to him-- you may be surprised at how much he thinks he's doing a great job already. And then, you need to let him know how happy it makes you feel when he tells you he loves you first, or this, or that, or anything. He doesn't need to be told to do something-- he needs to understand how happy it makes you and how much it means to you for him to do those little things. Definitely do that and see how it goes.

Is your dad still sharp with all his information and know what to say in response to someone that's using drugs? The only way to let someone understand that what they're doing is not good for them, is to educate them-- and educate them before they go in too deep and need a whole mess of help, especially with LSD and ecstasy. Since you've been together for a long time, how is she with your dad? You could have him talk to her, definitely. But you would have to be careful of your dad's reaction to it because you know how parents are... there is also the chance she'd still think 'yeah, right.' but I think it would be worth a shot in comparison to her taking those drugs. I just think if you're dad was a drug counselor, than for her to know that about him and the point that he's got factual information, she may listen... and she could even be happy that her boyfriend's dad even cares enough about her to step in and help her before she gets herself into irreparable trouble with drugs. You've got to let her know what you really think before you make a move onto any other options like this though, definitely. Maybe even use what you've learned from you dad over the years.

If you think that, you've got to do something about it. You can't sit and wait for everything to come to you and for everyone to just magically "get" you. And this will be harsh, but to be honest, I find most shy people to be rude. To me, I go and talk to someone and they say barely anything at all back to me like I'm wasting their quiet time alone, and yeah it comes off as rude. I have always found that it depends on how a "shy person" approaches the fact that they're shy and they're not going to do anything about it. If you're having a lot of trouble because you're shy, it's because you're obviously not being very pleasant. Shy doesn't automatically mean, oh they're shy, it's okay. There's basically things like, "I'm shy, don't talk to me, EVER," and then there's "I'm shy and I know it but I'm trying to actually be a human being here and say hello."

I've always remembered everything. Not crystal clear, like I can always remember conversations such as the next person, but I'd have to say those details are the only things I could ever forget while drunk. Personally, I like to believe everyone remembers. And this can either be true, or it can be false, but I believe we all remember everything. I feel like this mostly because for one, people do remember everything and there's been a lot of conversations that pop up over the years that people say they do and everyone remembers so that influences my opinion of it since I do too. And then I hear the overwhelming amounts of stories of having forgotten from really trustworthy people... and plus it's cool to say you forget because it shows you were "that" drunk and what a great time it must have been! What a fun person that is-- you know? ehhhh. I really don't know but there's obviously details we're not paying attention to. That sort of thing.

That's just how it is I think. If a person is shy, they couldn't possibly be noticed from being outgoing and outspoken, and their personality is hard to get a feel for! But they can definitely show this to those who are close to them but that still depends on how much they will share. They can be noticed for being "sweet and shy," because a lot of people find those who are shy to be sweet or cute because they're so quiet; I can't explain why but it's true and I can understand that. If you want to be noticed for things, you've got to show it or else nobody is going to know.

I think the first thing you need to do is GET YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PHONE NUMBER and remember it. I'm assuming you don't have a cell phone if you can't remember numbers so you really need to remember it-- he's your boyfriend of 5 months and you are out of touch constantly. It's fine you were out, but if this is the case you've got no way of contacting him other than the internet, then it's really going to feel like you two are completely out of touch and unplugged from eachother making things seem so big to him. I think it's the first thing you need to do; just -calling him- and being clear with your plans will seriously make a world of difference. And with New Years, why wait until the day to make plans? Things like that, you should make more plans with him and keep them, and not rely on whatever else in your life happens to determine what you're going to do with your boyfriend every time. Martha

Mine is to continue disciplining myself to pay off my credit card debt!

I think you should mention it again... don't let too much time pass by because no matter what you're serious about this, and I agree with you that you should be too. Just come out and ask him, "Hey I noticed you were still on there... so, we're exclusive, right? Why do you need it still?" Just in a nice way, but you have to know why... because why keep it, really. Maybe there's other reasons why people leave it up-- but you said yours is hidden? I think that's the least he could do as well.

I found this article just now, and I thought it might interest you: link removed "Spend Now, Be Happy Later? Find out why being a virtuous saver can cause you to regret your ways in the future." I hope this helps in some way!

I think that's a really really good point. I'm going to talk to him about it concerning that, definitely.

He's told me he doesn't want to get divorced, that he's getting married once and staying married, so he wants to be sure we don't have some problem where we fight uncontrollably and things don't go right and all that mess. But I do have over a year until he and I will do something... I don't have a problem with being engaged first, and I might let him know how I feel about it since I've been pretty quiet about it since the thought of living together just seemed so nice.

He's not living with me now-- or do you mean when he is? I'll be honest, I feel a little afraid of that because it's happened to other people. But then I feel like he really would still propose after living together because he wants to know how it will be like. I kind of do too, but he does the most-- wants to know that it will work out just fine living together first. I don't know if that will change, but I have been talking about wanting to be engaged first... should I stress the fact of why to him? It's a really big case of not feeling like it would happen to me.. though I have no proof that says it wouldn't happen to me except from what he's told me.

You need to go and create new memories. Las Vegas is a BEAUTIFUL and fun place, and you will absolutely have a fun time with your friends, and make it a point to create new memories for it-- and erase all the old ones.

I just really find myself dreaming about doing things that we can only do while married or living together, like go shopping for a house... buy furniture... have friends over and entertain... wake up next to eachother... have dog or dogs together... eventually have children together... take our kids to school, out around for many things, and just everything. That's kind of like the whole package for me. Now from what he tells me, we'll live together first. And that could absolutely change, and we could be engaged first. I'd rather live together first unless we would soon after engagement. But right now, I just feel so done with this. I'm sick of living apart and only seeing eachother on the weekends because of work for him and school for me, and I'm sick of him having to leave when the night is over, and I'm so so sick of the phone. I'm tired of living at home but I can't move out now, and when I can I'd want that money to go towards our home, and not towards a small place for me that I'll just be renting and things like that... I can't stand being in this place in my life, and I'm trying to find other things to work towards and to try and accomplish but it's just school... get a career... and that's all..

I think her blocking your number is to do exactly that-- to make it so that there is no contact at all. It's really not that extreme and I think it's good she did it if she was done with the relationship entirely. She probably didn't want to get into a confusing situation like what you contacting her now would have caused. Definitely leave it alone-- don't try contacting her any other way seeing what you did. You didn't do anything; the relationship's over and she's moved on. It should make it easier for the two of you.

This has been VERY helpful to hear other views, thank you so much. I don't know what it is I want when it comes down to it-- I feel like I dip a bit into everything. The "status" of being engaged isn't part of it, though. But the feeling of being "deserving" of it is. I don't know HOW I am deserving though, I think it's just the amount of time we've been together combined with how much I want it. I wish I could find something separate from love and relationships that I could work towards. Even my career is towards getting married and what's next-- I will love what I'll do, but I am using it solely to have what I want more than anything. I don't think that's uncommon, but I do wish I wanted more for just me, for just myself. Not us all of the time, every time. I want something that binds us. I feel like marriage would bind us. I feel like we're out in the open and not solid and intertwined-- those are the feelings I have. I feel really mad about it sometimes, too.

If the computer is your example then it is definitely the problem, and not just because of that-- the computer/internet is a HUGE distraction and time zapper. You need to legitimately turn it off-- turn off your whole computer and just get up and start doing something else. Sometimes that's all it really takes. And you'll want to do more things with a clean room/house because then you won't be feeling tied down to staying around with so much that needs to be taken care of.

I am so envious of all the couples who have gotten engaged and married and live together and all of that. It doesn't make me sad but it makes me happy and excited-- but especially envious. Jealous. Most times I feel jealous/sad. I have no idea when I'll be next. It wont be any closer until I'm out of college in hopefully another year. Year year year. I feel like I think about it every day, and I probably do. I'm so curious of what those things will be like. I feel like I'm more comfortably waiting lately, but so envious... I really feel like I will be pleasantly surprised when I am though, I can say that at least. I feel like if I were now, it wouldn't be as good if I didn't have to wait and be in a better position in life for those things. But it bothers me a lot because I am in a better position than a lot of people who are engaged or living together and all of that. There's not much of a point to this but it's Christmas and a lot of people are engaged. Martha