xmrth

Just be on your guard for the mushyness that comes with Christmas and New Years. It would be good to really take this time into consideration that how he acts around the holidays does -not- mean he's changed, you know? Wait until after it's all died down... and please don't worry about Valentine's day. If it's hard for you to leave him after what he's done already, I just wanted to mention it's really important to not let this interfere with what you've got going on here and everything. The mushyness at this time of year could be really deceiving when you're hoping for someone to change...

I don't know what the job is, but is it -really- hard to get it? Sometimes people have to say no to good jobs because it just doesn't suit enough of the person's needs in life... like not being near public transportation and neither of you have a car-- that is going to be difficult to figure out for one thing. Secondly, shifting what will make you so happy and what your bigger plans were to the point that they're going to be backed up how many years? You just have to kind of weigh all the options... but you definitely have to talk to your girlfriend about it, too. Because you never know what ideas to a solution that she might have. I think if in the end, what you described as changing is going to stand then I don't know; I'd try to find something else along those lines. It does matter on the opportunity though too. But if you could get that kind of job within the next year maybe, I'd try for that. Then again I have no idea what job this is though.

I think the first thing you should do is to listen to everything they have to say, and let them talk to you until they ask for your opinion. But don't give statements when they ask, but try asking questions that show your interest.

I agree with that, if you can get a paid internship it's even better. Work study is I think you just work for your college... and get paid absolute crap at minimum wage-- don't do work study because you don't need to unless you have another job already and you can squeeze it in. $6.75 is what the students at my college get paid and they're making like $30 a week total-- you don't get real amounts of hours either. But yeah if you can get an internship, do that. Money, good money if you're paid, and experience is the way to go. You should have a career services place at your college and they'll have places to contact. They can also help you with your resume.

One of my friends is in the same situation, never able to leave... it's been going on for YEARS. Her boyfriend who was her fiance keeps hanging around strippers, meeting girls on the internet "just as friends," needing her money for all kinds of things, telling her what to do and if she ever goes out to have fun he's terrible, tells her she's being something she's not because she's with other people and not with him... she's not allowed to do things, just all of it. Bottom line is it never gets better... they can't change; it's who they are as a person. It can't change. They can act for a little while, maybe a week, probably not a month though. You don't sit and hope for this kind of situation to change, especially at this point. You need to get out entirely and start anew with someone else. It's the only way for it to stop. Because to grab you and tell you that you need to do as he says?? Let him cry like a baby and realize what he's done, and walk out and get away. Even by leaving him he won't change as a person-- that's how real this is.

Yes absolutely-- they are the ones who will decide whether or not to hire you. I don't know if someone mentioned it already, but even to walk in and inquire about the job you should dress as if you're getting an interview right then.

A necklace is fine I think-- what else would you have chosen to give to her anyway? It's just a very good idea. If it were a ring or earrings, maybe that is a little bit too much, but for a girl and it being her favorite color (a purpose for it, basically) it's not going too far at all. I've gotten necklaces from guy friends before my boyfriend and it was just nice-- an appropriate gift for a girl who's a close friend for Christmas.

I still need advice... On my last day of my semester last week I talked to the therapist we have on campus about it. She said what Momene and I think someone else said, that some guys need it to be spelled out to them. And I feel like I did that (I did over this past weekend, and even the weekend before it). I told him things in a NICE way, for example, I went with a suggestion the therapist said, to compliment something he's given me already and how happy it made me, as a suggestion. It was jewelry, and my boyfriend said "Jewelry is too expensive" BUT he's gotten me jewelry before which was what I was referring to-- two things in one year 2 years ago now. I wear both pieces every single solitary day since I got them. And he's making way more money now than ever, and the pieces at that time were definitely under $500, I don't know how much under, but definitely under. And knowing him, that's not "too much" at all, but at the time he bought them, it was a little bit of a lot but not bad or anything because he was just starting out at work. So it was like okay... since when is jewelry too much. Last night on the phone I decided to ask him about Christmas... I said let's figure out when to exchange gifts. Christmas? The night before Christmas Eve like always? We haven't decided yet, but he said to me "Well we're not exchanging because you're not getting anything." He didn't say that 100% seriously but he didn't sound like it was a flat out joke. I asked him a few times and he said "Well I didn't know what to get you, so you get coal." I honestly think it sounds like he's kidding around but I am so scared because no matter what my hopes are up that he'll do something that shows he cares... I'm afraid I'll make it worse. I'm afraid he'd really not get me anything to end up surprising me later on or something. But the thing is, I feel like whenever I think I'll be surprised by him, I get let down. Like going away over the summer I thought maybe he'd propose (not 100% believe he would) and he didn't. I kind of wonder if maybe he's saving for a ring this way? And that I'd get so upset over the weekend over him not showing he cares by not exchanging with me, and that was like his grand plan all along was to get a ring. He spends money each week with us on going out for dinner and whatnot, so maybe that's reason to save? But is he really saving that much by not giving anything for special occasions? I just can't pretend I wouldn't be deeply hurt by him not getting me anything again... and if this was all due to a good reason I'd be afraid of ruining it, is the problem. Martha

You can't... they're in no way connected. You can pass AIDS and whatnot, but you can't get someone pregnant through anal sex, of course not. Do any of the 'things' that come out the vagina and the anus ever switch? They're in no way connected... at all... only if sperm goes near the vagina or goes into it and whatnot. The act of anal sex isn't going to get anyone pregnant.

I did that with letting my work know, but people are off already (schedule is set a month in advance, and I've been mentioning it since September) and they seem to be set. However they did call me a few weeks ago to cover at another location but I was still in school. It's not shifts though, I work open to close those two days. I was thinking of all the things I could do like read since I started to really enjoy books, but I feel so bad doing that because it's for myself and not for a class or anything.. I feel like a free-loader, literally. I've never had this problem before. I always enjoyed my time like this. The only one last person to not have hours just like me is getting them and now I feel so... alone I guess.

Thanks so much for being understanding. I feel really embarrassed to post this but last night the problem persisted. And that's true Juliana, it's like I want to keep thinking it because I can and because it's scary, and I want to see how far I can go with this imagination. I don't watch the news really at all... and I'm not scared of it; it's interesting and informative. But the things that happen, no matter how long ago, get into my head. Like break-ins and things like that. Some couple even had some guy that broke into their houses and was hiding under their bed! If I'm awake, I'm not bothered no matter what hour of the night it is.. but sleeping now all of a sudden I feel so vulnerable. I then started imagining it and how it would feel-- it's crazy. I feel like I'm allowing it to persist because it's in my head but it's all so real it could happen. I'm not sure what to do yet. I feel like this is not me like I could stop it; I've finally decided to see what people think about it. I wanted to know it's okay to think like this and that what I thought was so rational was actually irrational.. I'm going to try going to sleep differently, maybe with the TV on or something like that so I don't feel like associating anything with it being pitch black and quiet and vulnerable..

Back already to post again... my winter break JUST started as of Thursday. I was so stressed this semester and so looking forward to this. I have 1 year left (4 total). I can't even believe it but I'm feeling miserable. I feel like a good-for-nothing. My job won't give me more hours so I'm only working Fridays and Saturdays still. So I'm home all week long for about 5 more weeks! I'm trying to set goals, like clean my room (complete mess) and maybe even paint it. I'm waking up early and going to bed early so I'm not up until the early hours of the morning and sleeping until noon or anything, but it's not making me feel any better. Every year, little by little I feel badly about having so much free time during my winter break and summer break. This past summer I finally got a new job and worked usually overtime which was great. I really needed to post this and see how others think. My stomach is in knots right now. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I will work on my portfolio but it's not like I can get an internship within the next couple of months-- I can't fit that in, and I'm concerned about these 5 weeks. And that's the only other thing on my short list of things to do. Everyone else I know, their job gave them more hours. Everyone's working and making money. I'm still here... I could hopefully babysit for a relative but they're kind of all set, and that's the only other thing I can think of. Isn't anyone else working part time over their winter break and have this much free time too?? I feel really really bad.. I can't even get myself to get cleaning because I feel like such a good-for-nothing. This is supposed to be my winter break... and I'm not enjoying it at all, not even a little bit. I feel like I can only enjoy it if I'm making money. I'm in some debt and that's definitely a reason to feel bad. Martha

SNAP, you're so blunt. Cool kid? No... Anyway yeah DN that's exactly it; I think it's weird and I don't want this to become some strange mental problem. I understand people let their imaginations run wild and I feel like mine is trying to see how far it can go. The past 2 nights have been bad. I feel so vulnerable because even on the news these things happen to anybody even those extremely cautious. I get so paranoid because it's not like this is a fear of the irrational or anything...

I know this is completely my imagination, but yeah that could happen. And I know it's because of being so vulnerable while sleeping. But for the past few weeks every night it's been getting harder to fall asleep because I keep thinking of being stabbed and it's almost like I can feel the pressure of getting stabbed repeatedly. My imagination just keeps running away with itself seeing how far it can go, and now I'm seriously having trouble getting to sleep. I don't know how it started out and I kept thinking last night how okay, I'm done thinking about this, but then I'd keep going back to it and then I get so scared I can't fall asleep. I'm sitting here right now and I'm imagining what it's like to be stabbed in my lower back? I'm not crazy but I just don't see why I am continuing to think this way. It's so hard to stop thinking about it, I'm wondering if anyone else lets their imagination get like THIS? Martha

hmmm, maybe a promise ring because he's telling you about it, but it could still be an engagement ring! He might have plans for whatever particular night and want it to be perfect and so that you don't make other plans or something. Or he may have NO idea you'd know it's a promise ring or an engagement ring so he's letting you know it's that important. But whatever it is, it's important and it's a big deal! Don't be upset if it's not a ring!!! Because just in case it's not, it's still obviously very important and he's got it in him to express how he feels about you like this. But I would still be dreaming about if it's a ring, haha. I think it's fun he's getting you excited about it.

You could get away with just telling her off concluding you heard about her saying all those things. Would she know you logged into it, though? It could conclude the other guy told people, and maybe he did, and maybe she did. But this is what you're breaking up over so you should definitely express it. Just try to do it in another way from the fact you logged onto that stupid website in her account because she could use that against you. Basically, make it so she can't use any of it against you but make it -clear- that you KNOW what you know.

Thanks very much for all the replies about your own experiences! It gave me so much confidence to finish up my big paper-- and I did around only 1:30 that morning because I could finally calm myself down knowing it wasn't completely impossible! Now my semester is over and I have all kinds of nice free time. I'm very excited.

I feel really bad now because I wasn't supposed to complain to him about it anymore, and instead approach it in a different way in case he was completely clueless. He wanted to go away for xmas, but only for like a weekend or something like that. And now that it's getting closer to xmas, he's saying he's not sure if we'll still go. I'm not sure why; our work schedules, particularly his, would only allow us to go away for one night, and as it would be for xmas, it will be snowy weather more than likely and where we wanted to go would be a 4 hour drive. So now as it's getting closer to xmas, and I'm upset about how things have been for valentine's day, my birthday, our anniversary, and now xmas is coming up, I wanted to make sure I knew in time to figure out what we were going to do-- go away together or just give gifts, and he keeps saying he doesn't know. When I gave him his anniversary gift, he said no you shouldn't have bought me anything-- we're going away! (but it was supposed to be JUST for xmas!) So now, tonight I'm still upset about it and I'm thinking of going xmas shopping between tonight and tomorrow, and so I wanted an answer if we were going away or not, and he says "Well I was going to pay for it all!" But it doesn't make sense... earlier today he admitted to if we still hadn't decided yet about the trip that we'd both not have anything for eachother for xmas. So don't you think I should have asked like I did? I don't know if I fully believe him about that... paying for it all with how it was all being set up. Maybe he changed his mind and was going to, but then it should have been a surprise or else I'm going to want to know what's going on!

Thank you so much for responses! Part of feeling alone makes me feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE. But feeling like I'm not alone makes me feel less stressed and more like it's possible to do. I don't have the right programs on my computer to do footnotes and double spacing, so I loaded my paper so far onto another computer in the house with the program. I'm going to do that with the pages, rose2summer! That is a good suggestion. I'm going to go get into a zone with my paper and just type it all out and go back in and use sources and specifics. Thanks so much again. It's always so relieving to talk about it with people who have been there.

That's also what's making me nervous is not being able to function properly. This actually happened last semester for an art history course (what this particular paper is for) and I got 45 minutes of sleep! However, I had so much caffeine that I laid in bed awake, not so much that I was working. I will probably work until 12, and see if I can sleep. But I have to set the goal to finish it. I will never do this again... I've never saved a paper until the night before, especially a longer one than what I'm used to. I have a general outline, but now that I'm getting down to it, it's hard to tie it all in together. My distractions are definitely the internet (however this is mainly to help me ease my nerves because I've put myself into the situation to get worried!) I may even do that, and write it all out by hand. Typing really makes me see how much more space I've got left to fill and it's intimidating. And yes, double spaced and size 12, however it's being measured more by words than by pages... which makes it hard. But hopefully it won't look too different.

I feel so alone... I talked to classmates today and I feel like everyone else has got it together. But me, I've got so much work due for tomorrow. I have a 6 page paper due and I'm struggling with the first page still. I don't think it's doomed, but it's stressful. The thought of only getting MAYBE as much as 3 hours of sleep scares me. I have had just so much else to do, I did all my research first (which has made it easy in that sense) but the paper part is hard. I also have a painting to finish, a 12 question final for another class requiring a paragraph answer to each, and a paper revision. And that's just what's LEFT for me to do, due tomorrow. I've gotten everything else out of the way. I'm going to be on here typing my paper up and I feel stupid and alone, like this is a huge mistake. It's not encouraging at all. It's making me get nervous and making my mind wander. Anyone else in he same boat this week, or next week? I'm talking like you're not going to get any sleep either. That's what I'm wanting to hear, haha. Somehow knowing that will motivate me. Only one person I know is doing the same thing but they always do that, almost every week, near all nighters, but for a different reason-- they just don't get around to it until then so that's not as encouraging for me to keep on going and NOT get NERVOUS that I won't finish anything. Martha

Thanks so much your your input-- I told him tonight and it feels good to not have to worry about it, or even worry about worrying about it, if that makes sense. I figured he'd either not care, or he'd react in some small way, but he was just neutral; he didn't care or be bothered. I'm happy because that kind of thing is out of my hands, and I don't provoke it. So to not have him be upset or jealous is great. Thanks so much again; I really had NO idea what to do earlier.

You'd be surprised how many of your friends will warm right back up to you by dumping the hell out of him, and that's a promise, no matter how ugly things with your friends may have gotten.

Should I show it to him? I'm afraid of him wanting to call the number-- for whatever reason he surprises me in wanting to do that. But I don't want to lie and say it's thrown out and then there be a good reason to show it to him... I can't figure out how to approach this.

That's true... between that, and it turning into a dangerous situation like stalking, which is completely possible for anyone... I think I will... I guess the biggest problem is just not wanting him to be afraid or want to break up with me over it too.. and without being the jealous type, this is just so much more personal than anything that's happened before.