heatheRmal

Haha, oh man out of everyone in my town, I seem to get the most drama. And it's not just me that thinks it either, aha it's super no fun. Unless it's the funny drama with some random girl I don't even like, like "OMFGZ YOURE SO UGLY" That kinda drama makes me laugh. But yeah, I realise I deserve better sometimes, but usually I'm just thinking I'm lucky to have anything at all, besides, other then that stuff I wrote about, he's an amazing guy. Probably doesn't seem like it to you since I went on a mad rant there, haha, but he really is. Thanks for the respond Mucho apreciated

Oh my where to start.. Before I started officially dating Darren, he met Tiffany and got all messed up, not knowing what to do because he had feelings for tiffany, but he had more for me. He didn't want to date me while he had feelings for her, too. So we talked it out and we started out slow. We started dating, and things were going perfectly fine, I love him, and I lost my virginity (well, technically I didn't since I was raped, but you get the idea) to him. Things were going perfect! Then, drama out of nowhere. He started getting mad at me because I would hang out over my friend Ashley's house alot. I apologized and told him she's the first female friend I've had in a long time that I can really be myself around and he understood. I still hung out with her, but I hung out with him an equal amount. He was fine with that, but then he started getting mad at me for not calling him when I went up there.. He expected me to call every time I left the house, and I didn't remember his number all the time (I'm terrible with numbers) so I put it in my iPod so I could call him whenever. Things were going kind of fine, we had our bumps here and there but nothing big. Then my best friend Ashley dropped a bomb. She told me and him that she had feelings for him. I'm not mad at her for telling me, I'm glad she told me. She also said she wouldn't do anything until I was perfectly fine with it. She's over that now, she got over him really quickly, I guess she just thought she had feelings for him since they've been best friends for around 2 years. All that drama passed, and the new drama rolled in. I started hanging out with Matti and G more than I used to. Darren absolutely hated this. He knows I hang out with guys, and barely with girls, he was fine with that, but he hates Matti. I'm not sure on the story with them, but Darren, Matti, G, and a bunch of their other friends used to be super close, basically all best friends. Then Darren, and a few of his friends, started getting into White Power. Matti, being 25% Jewish, was slowly being kicked out of their circle of friends. Other drama between the guys happened, not sure on what, but it ended up being Matti and G left out of the group. Now, me personally, I love Matti, he's an amazing guy, I don't get any sketchy vibes off him or anything, and he's fun to be with. Same goes for G, I don't know him as well but he's still an awesome guy. Me and Darren went on a break. He didn't mean for it to last as long as it did, but it lasted around a month. Even while we were on a break he was telling me he was going to kill Matti if he heard I was up his apartment again, and he doesn't care what happens to him but he will beat Matti up if he ever hears that I'm talking to him.. Matti was kind of sketched out by all this, and decided we should stop hanging out for a bit until things cool down, but he said if Darren touched him he was going to kick his butt.. Obviously I got mad at Darren for it and told him if he touches Matti he's dead, and if Matti touches Darren, Matti's dead. He also got a little angry about me hanging out with G. The Matti drama is gone now, I talk to him sometimes in the mall when I see him but I want to hang with him more, I miss him. Now, he came back telling me how stupid he is, how bad he treated me, how much he loves me, and how he never wants to hear that I've been crying over him again. So we try dating again. So far, I've cried more this passed week than I have our whole relationship. He started freaking on me again about the phone, when I even increaced the amount of times I call him, AGAIN! He made me so angry one night. I'm not really all that into giving oral.. and he kept bugging me over and over and over again for sex, and after we did, twice, he bugs me for oral, even though he knows I don't like it, over and over and over, and I keep saying no. So he decides to text message Tiffany, the girl from before, knowing that it bugs me, since she's been telling me how much she wants to do him, and how hot he is while I'm sitting right there. So he texts her saying "Wanna ***k like bunnies?" Just kidding around, but still it bugged me. She messages back saying "Yeah, actially.. I do." and he sends her one back and doesn't let me see what it says. After that he asks me again and I say no and he's going through the list of people on his phone saying "I have a huge list of people right here who would gladly come and do that.. Want me to call them?" I just looked at him and said "Fine. Go ahead." He flipped on me for hanging out with Ahley and Jill all weekend, and not him, when I told him Wednesday, if he wanted to do something, to call me, because I'm staying home until someone calls me to do something. I stayed home Thursday, Ashley called. I stay home Friday, and Saturday, Ashley and Jill call. Sunday, I get home from spending the night at Ashley's, and I find out he called me about 20 minutes before I got in. So I call him back and say that since it's late, he could come over Monday after school. Monday comes, and passes, I don't hear from him. So I talk to him today, and he gets mad about me hanging out with them all weekend, and how I never called him, even though I told him Wednesday I'm not talking to anyone on the phone unless THEY call ME. (I hate phones) He also used to get mad at me for not talking about serious things, like things that happen in our relationship and all that.. I talk now. Actually, I talk about it alot.. With Ashley, and Jill. Every time I try and have a meaningful conversation with him, it just pisses him off and he brushes it off. In person, I would try and have a meaningful conversation about the problems in our relationship, but he's always in such a good mood, I don't want to ruin it, so I wait and see if he brings it up. And if he does, I try and say something and he just said "Nevermind it then.. Just whatever.." If I try and talk to him on the computer about it, he gets mad and just says "yeah whatever" and stops talking, and if I try and talk to him on the phone, he tells me to go online because he doesn't feel like being on the phone. And tonight, he was talking to Ashley (he didn't know I was there) and he was telling her that I was pissing HIM off lately. HA! The nerve. And he told her about how he's going over Tiffany's tomorrow to fix her computer, when I know that Tiffany will make a move on him any chance she gets, because she's tried many times before. He was telling Ashley that he just gave up on trying to "fix everything" all the time and that he just doesn't care anymore. (By the way.. He was the one who came back to me telling me he'd do anything to get back with me) She asked him if he wanted her opinion, he said yes, she gave it, and now he hates her basically. She told him that he needs to tell me these things, not her, and try and work them out with me, and she told him her point of view, and since it wasn't in his favour, he want's nothing to do with her. Whwne all this time, she was always the one who just tried to help us out, even when she liked him. Now I really don't know what to do.. I know I shouldn't have to take this.. I know I should just break up with him.. But I can't. I really can't. I love this guy more than anything in the world, I'd do anyhing for him, I'd give him the sun or moon if he wanted it.. But seriously, all this stress made me lose sleep (I havn't slept in 3 days), I've lost my apetite, I've been smoking more than usual, there were alot of times when I was seriously considering going back to cocaine, I've been drinking every chance I get, I've been having intense mood swings, feeling sick to my stomach, there are days when I just don't get up and miss a full day of school, there are days when I just sit in class and think, I don't pay attention at all, I've been having random fits of crying, etc.. I just really don't know what to do.

WOOHOO! WERE BACK TOGETHER! i had an actual serious talk for the first time in my life (litterally) and were good now he apologized for like, every little tiny thing hes ever done O_O but yeah, were back together and i couldnt be happier

Thanks for the reply I've had alot of boyfriends, probably more than I can count, and there was one that I thought I loved but once I met Darren, that all went down the drain because I cared for him so much more than anyone else. My friends, during their off class, came over to cheer me up So I'm feeling better now, but I still really miss him And even though my mom sat up all night with me, talking about how she knows how hard this is for me, she refuses to let me go to the movies with Ashley. Ashley called and said she knows I don't want to lounge around the house alone so she wants to take me to the movies, and my other friend Jill is out of town for the night, so I said okay. I went downstairs to ask my mom for $10 after I clean my room (it's a HUGE mess, it's worth the $10 aha) she said she's been getting after me for my room for the past week, and I have been cleaning it, it's so much cleaner than it was before, but she still refuses to give me the $10 for the movies, so I can't do that.. UGH, I know thats not a big deal but I'm so aggitated right now and that made me super mad..

OVER MSN INSTANT MESSENGER! How low can you be.. But still, I don't know what to say about it. I want to be with him because I love him, even though I was the one wthat had to fix everything in our relationship, I was always the reason for the fights (so he says), and I was the one that screwed everything over. ALL BECASUE I WENT OVER MY FRIENDS HOUSE AFTER I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING! And guess what, I told him "I'm going to Ashleys, then if you want we can do something" I went over her house becuase it was her birthday! I don't see any logical explination for this break up.. I cried myself to sleep from 8pm until 7am and my dad tried to wake me up at 7:30am for school and i just layed there staring at the ceiling.. he let me stay home. I really don't know what to do with myself now that he's gone. You know that saying "Don't make someone your everything because when they're gone you'll have nothing" ? Well.. I think it's a bit late for that now isn't it. I was addicted to cocaine for two years in grade 8 and 9, and I did acid and E on the weekends. I'm in grade 11 now, almost halfway through and I havn't touched any drugs (other than pot) since then. Lastnight I felt like calling up my old dealer and getting him to deliver me a bunch.. When I was with Darren I felt beautiful, he's the first person to ever make me feel beautiful, EVER In my entire life! But now that he broke up with me, I feel like the most worthless ugliest piece of scum on the earth.. I just want to get over him as fast as I can.. but I hope me and him can still be friends.. I just wish I was strong enough to get through this as easily as other people do..

does this ever sound like my situation right now only reversed.. with me, i have no clue why ive been doing this, maybe theres something else on her mind, like Momene said it might be her new job. girls are confusing. you just gotta give them a smack upside the head and say "tell me whats on your mind, i not a mind reader" well, not litterally haha but i think you should talk to her about it soon

Oh my god I'm going insane, I'm crying my eyes out right now, this can't end yet.. not like this.. not because of my own stupidity.. him: maybe its time we took a break from each other for a while or something... me: >_ i dont really know what to say to that him: i understand ...you never do know what to say me: ugh, well okay i lied i do know what to say to that i dont want that to happen because i dono if i could handle that because im a weak * * * * *.. what i want to happen is this to just pass and we forget it even happened becuase, trust me, its never gonna happen again cause i beat myself up enough over it already and its making me feel like * * * * knowing that i pissed you off that much but if thats what you want to do cause you think itll help, well theres nothing i can do to stop you him: heather your alot different then i thought you were...i need a girlfriend who is more strong can say whats on her mind and not just sit around and mope, if you dont know my number ? write it down and put it away somewhere and dont lose it , we been going out for how long? even little things that dont matter that much still hurt, this whole this with ashley pissed me off beyond , and i couldnt break up with you over it the first time, but i said to myself i am not letting it happen again cause it really pissed me off alot, i dont see this lasting much longer at all heather i am sorry to say me: * * * *k.. listen, im sorry.. im trying, i really am.. and i can say whats on my mind its just with u i freeze up and think im gonna say something stupid, which i usually do.. i have your number in my ipod now so thats not an issue anymore.. trust me, before you i was alot worse, i couldnt say anything unless i knew i wouldnt soundlike an idiot over it.. the only reason everythings * * * *in up lately is because ive been being an idiot, and i promise ill stop that.. i dono why i did that and it hurt me just as much as it hurt you.. but i really dont wnat this to end yet cuz youre the best thing thats happened to me in a long time and i know i can do better than im doing now ..

Ahh, he just replied with "maybe its time we took a break from each other for a while or something..." And all I could say was " >_ i dont really know what to say to that Like, waht am I supposed to say to that? "Oh sure, I'll take a break from you. Instead of crying when you get mad at me, I'll just cry every night till we're back together cause I can't handle not being with you, not seeing you, not kissing you, knowing that you're off with someone else while I'm here moping around my house. Maybe then I'll cry so much that when we're back together I won't be able to cry anymore! That's a prefect idea." I hate this so much..

So I was at his house and everything was going fine. He got really excited that I found out I wasn't pregnant, lol.. But then he got really mad cause there was one sexual thing I didn't really feel like going, and we didn't talk the rest of the night, and when I was walking home and he was walking to his brothers, he said "What's your problem tonight? You're not talking at all" and I said "Well I thought you were mad at me" and he started kinda yelling saying "Of course I'm mad! You stay over Ashley's for two nights and don't call when you said you wouldn't do that again, and we didn't do anything the second day because when Ashley asked you if me and you had plans you said no, and the last two holidays we hardly got to see eachother.. Two hours on Christmas day, woohoo!" and all I could say was "I never told Ashley we didn't have plans.." because I couldn't get anything else out.. and when he started to turn to go to his brother's I said "Bye" and he was just like "Yeah, whatever.." So when I got home I left him this message on myspace: "Look, I'm sorry about tonight;/ I'm not used to having in person serious conversations, because serious conversations never really happen with me.. But anyways.. What I wanted to say, but couldn't really get out was.. I'm sorry I didn't spend Christmas with you.. I really wanted to but I had a bunch of famil y stuff going on, and me and Ashley had Christmas day planned for a while, but I still should have went with you.. I never told Ashley that me and you didn't have plans, because she never asked. I thought our plans were if we go to the movies, me and you would do something else so Ashley and George could be alone. And since we never woke up till 5 we never went to the movies, so I didn't think that our plans would even happen. Either way I still should have called you And New Years eve.. I stayed home all day and all night waiting for you to come on msn, cause I wanted to spend New Years with you.. I should have called you but I thought you were mad at me for staying at Ashley's another night without calling, so I didn't. As for the whole "You promised you wouldn't do that again" thing.. I know I did, and I didn't do it again.. I stayed at her house for one more night, it's not that long.. It's not like last time when it was a few days. But I still am really sorry. I felt like crap that whole day, and right now, if it makes you feel any better But still.. I'm just an idiot.. I'm really sorry. I love you *sigh* Lonnnng post Ahhh, I hate this, I just feel like sitting in my room and reading or listening to music and just shutting everyone out completely >_ I told my mom about why he's mad at me, and she said "Well it's not like he owns you, you shouldn't have to call every time you go out" and I know that but I'd rather call him all the time then have him this mad at me..

Oh I know he'd be over reacting. He does have bipolar so that may be why, and my mom said that bipolar is usually worse around this time of year. But I know it couldn't be 100% the bipolar, especially since he's taking medication for it. Blah. I hate this.

I sure hope so. He's actually been my first for alot of things, and normally I break up with guys before a gift-giving holiday because I suck at gifts, but I stayed with him through his birthday and Christmas (I got him the 'The Crimes of Jack the Ripper' book and $65 for the tattoo he's getting) and he's the only guy I cried over when we got into fights or when we almost broke up. Other guys, I'd just be like "Oh well, another will come around" But not with him.. There's other fish in the sea, but he's the prize winner (Wow, that was lame, lol) Anyways, rambling. *Stops rambling* Haha

Well, with me, a little while back I broke up with a guy and I was hanging out with his best friend, my best friend, and anoher friend. All of them went home except my ex's best friend, and well, we ended up making out. We never told anyone about it, and it never happened again, we just completely forgot it happened, and for me that worked. I did have a little bit of a crush on him, but it went away after that. That might work for you, I'm not sure, it worked for me. But I would advise you to make sure it doens't lead to sex, because that may get akward and may even ruin the friendship in the end.

Trust me on this one, my boyfriend is the most expensive and most comfortable Manolo Blahnik's out there, if I wanted to compare him to shoes. Actually, I met Ashley because of him, I knew him for a few years. Sorry about the confusion. Either way, I know I did nothing wrong, but still, he gets really moody When he comes online, I'm going to get his number and put it in my iPod. The only reason he remembers mine is because it's in his cellphone, haha.

Normally we do make plans, like on Christmas and whatnot. But were both not really the kinds of people that plan things, were both the Laze Around The House until Someone Suggests Something kind of people. I really do want to call him, and I would if Ashley or someone was online so I could get it. I hate the phone so much, that's why I don't really know anyones number. Everyone around here is online alot so normally it's more efficiant[sp?] than the phone. Besides, I am kind of crying right now >_ So that wouldn't be to cool to call him while I'm crying I left him another message on MSN saying I'm really sorry I don't have his number, and that I feel like such a for not calling him.

We've been together for alround 5 months. I know it's not long, well for me it is, but I do love him. And yes, I mean love. I am only 16, but I've liked guys so much where I thought it was love, and this tops them all by far. Anyways, to the point.. We almost broke up a few days ago because he says I'm spending too much time with Ashley and not enough with him. (Which was true, but I didn't mean to it's just every time he asked me to do something, I had plans, and when I asked him, he had plans.) But we worked it out. I stayed over her house Friday night, we didn't sleep until 11:30AM, and we woke up at 5:00PM so there's not much we could do because we had to shower, get ready and all that and our curfews are both midnight. Besides, I went to message my boyfriend online, but he was gone. So Saturday was a no. Her aunt had been drinking so I had no way home, so I stayed there Saturday night too and came home yesterday (Sunday). I was going to message him online and ask him if he wanted to do something for New Years, but his name said "bed" the whole time. And since he gets cranky when I call him and wake him up, I decided to wait and see if he comes online. Since I didn't sleep the night before I got really tired around 11:30PM and I fell asleep, when his nickname still said "bed". Today, I wake up and he left me a message on MySpace and it says to call him we need to talk. I don't know his number (The only number I remember is my old best friend that I knew all my life. I suck with phone numbers and he knows that), and nobodies online that knows it. I'm scared, I hate when he says things like that. I don't know what to do. I left him a message online saying: "hey, i cant call cuz i dont have ur number&nobodies online that knows it, so please wake up&come on msn soon sorry about stayin at ashleys for so long, saturday we didnt wake up till 5 and her aunt couldnt drive me cuz she was drinkin & i was gonna msg you but every time we were on msn ur name said u were gone, and yesterday i was gonna ask u do do somethin but ur name said you were in bed the whole time>_ He never answered yet.. His nickname says "suck y night. gone to bed." Hopefully a sucky night might make him be mad at someone else instead of me Hopefully I'm worrying about nothing. He does have bipolar, which makes things really hard. He's told me he doesn't know if he'll ever see me again, for me to forget him and forget all this ever happened, that he doesn't know if he'll even "be around" much longer, and lots of other things, but we've worked through it. He always apologizes for saying things like that to me the next day. Besides, it's not like this is a big deal. Hopefully. I just don't know what I'd do without him..