lisaria

Hello everybody, It's been nearly four months and I guess everyone pretty much knows my story since I've b@#tched, vented, rambled and pretty much cried on all of ya'lls shoulders so many times. Thank you so much for being here. I think I may be healing finally. I sent an email earlier this week after wondering and questioning and asking everyone's opinion a million times, I did finally send it. It was a very nice email (I thought) and I took responsibility for my failures and the things I did wrong that helped end it. I told him that I had really good memories and I hope the bad didn't outweigh the good and I wished him all the best. I did not add the PS don't reply thing. That was a little much I thought and it would look like that was what I wanted. Not that it mattered since I've heard nothing. Not a word which I think is probably the absolute best thing. He can't accept the responsibility for his actions and I realize that he probably never will. I don't think I want to hear from him. NO. I KNOW I don't want to hear from him. Now I can finally move on. I can finally accept that it is OVER. I loved him and gave him ALOT. He loved me (I know he did at one time) and he gave me alot in the beginning. BUT....it's over! I'm free! I do not ever have to worry about him again. I may still have bad days but it will be because I'm alone not because he isn't there. If he were to contact me now, it would just hurt and he's done enough of that to me. I will not go through it again. I was hurt the first few days after sending it and no reply. Really down, but now I realize the awful truth and I can live with it. It's not such a bad thing to finally be free of him. I'm my own woman again. I have taken back my power and he will never know what he gave up. I never thought I would get to this point and even a week ago, I didn't think so. But one day you wake up and you can see things a little more clearly. You can think rationally again about the ex. So hang in there everybody who has just started the healing and no contact phase. It will definitely get better and one day you will have the wonderful thought that maybe they weren't as much as you thought they were. That YOU DO deserve better and YOU WILL find better. This website has saved my sanity so many times and kept me from begging and being a total dumba##. Thank you everyone for everything. I cannot tell you how much you have helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life. I hope maybe I helped someone in return. Thank you!!! Lisa

Hang in there honey, and let us now how it goes. You CAN do this, ya' know. It will be hard, but think about what you will lose if you don't. I wish I had found this forum a long time ago. There is so much wisdom here. We are here for you. lisaria

What about meditation? Yoga? Running? Somthing physical? Take a couple of deep breaths anytime you feel the questions or comments about it come up in your mind. Count to ten and think about what you're going to say and how it would sound to him. You've got to back off about this and obviously you know this or you wouldn't be up here asking, right? Guys want us to appreciate them and look up to them like they are our knights in shining armor. They don't want us to point out things they SHOULD do. It makes them feel inadequate and that is death to a relationship. Think about that when you are with him. Find stuff about him you really like and tell him. Remember how you felt at first? Try to hang on to that. Good luck. lisaria

Hi Killswitch, I'm so sorry you are hurting like this. I was depressed nearly my whole life. My teen years were a steady round of alcohol, drugs and suicide attmepts. No one ever knew. I finally got help when I was 30 something. Don't wait so long to talk to your doctor. If you already have, Good. If not, call him/her today. There are things that help with this and believe me they will help you. You know you made mistakes in this relationship and that is a good thing. But beating yourself up over it is not. Quit blaming yourself. She made the choice to cheat. Did you have anything to do with it? I doubt it. You didn't make her do anything. It Was Her Choice. It is so very hard to deal with that. My ex cheated and I couldn't handle it. I also see where I made my mistakes and I've apologised for them, actually I sent an email on Monday and I've still not heard from him but that's another story. When you're cheated on it is hard to get past it. I couldn't seem to. It hurts your self esteem, your pride, your heart. It makes you wonder what there is that you don't have that they need. What could you have done different? Why? How? If only I had done this, if only I had done that. The thoughts go on and on. BUT.... You have to heal. You have to let time do its work. It will get better. It doesn't seem like it now, but it will. Get out now. Get out and go to the gym, go out with your friends. Find something that you're interested in. Something that will keep your attention for hours. Mine was tarot and astrology. It's fascinating. You have to concentrate on YOU. You are the only thing that matters for the next few months. It's going to be so damned hard, we all know that. But you will survive. You will get through this and you will be so much better afterwards. So much stronger and wiser. Do not contact her. Get up here instead and read the posts. It will help. Good luck. lisaria

Hey Spanishpet, I agree with Princess. You do need to back off a little bit. Even if the divorce was his idea, it still is a very painful time. Just be there for him. Find stuff to do to fill your time. Exercise is a great stress reliever and sex is great exercise. He would enjoy that too. Find other stuff you're interested in. Get your mind off of him and his problems. How long have you been going out? Is it possible to just take a break for a while, until he is divorced? I know that would be really hard but the smartest thing to do. Most of the time the women who help the man through the divorce are dumped after they get those final papers. It's a transition relationship. It sucks, but that is the way it usually goes. I do not know if it would happen with yours and I hope it doesn't for your sake, but just in case....have a support group available. Take time for your friends now. Go out and have fun. Forget about him for awhile. We women let the men take over our lives when we are in relationships. We define ourselves by our relationships and for men it's just a little bonus in their lives. I always end up giving away my power when I fall in love and that is always the wrong thing to do. Take your power back Spanishpet and become the strong, confident, secure woman he fell in love with. If you don't things do not look well. If you are scared and worried try not to let him know it. It sounds like he does have alot on his plate right now and you really want to help him, I can tell by your post. It will take alot of willpower to change your thoughts on this, but we all make the choice to behave the way we do. You can change this. Turn it around girl, before it's too late. I hope everything goes well for you. lisaria

Hi Christie, I'm sorry you're not feeling so good right now. I know how much it can hurt when the ex tells you they don't want to be with you anymore. It's devestating. Since he was the one that wanted the space then I think you should give it to him. No Contact for a while. Maybe he'll figure out what he wants then and more importantly YOU can figure out what you want. Right now things are pretty confusing and you're hurting so you can't be thinking rationally. Of course, when it comes to love, who does? Not me. But that's another story. What is it about people that never tell the one's they supposedly care about stuff that will make them stay? He wanted things to change but didn't tell you what or how or anything? How stupid is that? How are things supposed to change if nobody knows anything about it but the dumpee???? What is that about? My ex said he got tired of feeling like he had to call me every night and "check in." I got tired of him calling every night and not having anything to say. God knows, I never asked him to. But if he had said something we could have straightened it out and then laughed about it. They have to talk to us. My ex got so damned quiet at the end and I would ask him what was up and "Nothing" same thing yours said. What in the hell is wrong with them??? Why can't they open their mouths and say what is on their mind. When I tried to talk to him about it he made me feel like it was all in my imagination and it wasn't. They just can't be honest and that kills me because if they had been honest in the first place we would have worked through it and still be together. Same with you, right? But they keep the power by not saying anything and then they leave. It is wrong. But we have to pick ourselves up and keep going even though we'd rather not. Why are we now in this position? Because they couldn't open up and tell us what was going on in their heads. I don't know if this will help you, but you're not alone and anytime you want to vent or if you get the urge to call him or email him, Don't. Get on here instead. We are all learning stuff from each other and it helps to know you're not alone in this. Take care. lisaria

Hey Cyna, A few tips: Think about what you are going to say before you call him. What is it you want to know about him? What do you know that he likes? Dislikes? If you have to, put the questions down on paper and keep it with you while you talk on the phone. One way to get someone to talk is to find out what they are passionate about and ask. People love to talk about themselves. Just ask. Lisaria

Hi hopeful, Don't sweat it, we all do supid things in the name of love. God knows I do. Have you heard anything? If so, what? If not, then i would keep up the no contact. He sounds kind of like a control freak to me. One thing about a good relationship is that you are supposed to have your own opinions about things. That's what makes them fall for you in the first place...Who YOU are. He's not supposed to try to change you. That says that he thinks there is something wrong with the way you are and people who loves us love us for who we are. A good friendly argument can be kind of fun and good foreplay if you know what I mean. But it's not about being controlling and manipulative. He either likes you for you or doesn't. If he wants to change you then he needs to find someone else, don't you think? I hope things work out for you. lisaria

Hey MVP, Thank you. Your post made me laugh and I really needed that. Women are different. Period. Just like guys. What is right for one is not right for the other. What is funny to one is serious to another. What is cute to one is ugly to another. What is boyfriend material to one is just friend to another. There is no set rules on how you should act to get them to screw you. For heaven's sake, if that's all you want then maybe just being honest would do it for you. It would certainly make you one of a kind. Sometimes it takes longer than five minutes. Have you ever seen someone who you thought was attractive, but the minute they opened their mouth and said something you were turned off? Or have you talked with someone for an hour before you realized that this person was not what you wanted? I have to both. I've also met someone who was just there (kind of like wallpaper) and halfway through the night changed my opinion about him for the better. And we actually had a short fling. It's how you act, what you say, how you dress, how intelligent you are, how funny, how honest. Just be yourself. That way you don't have to play games. lisaria

Hi hott, I'm no expert, but sometimes when you start the pill you will spot. Maybe you should call your doctor and talk to her or him. It may make you feel better and he/she could tell you more than I can. Good luck, lisaria

Great idea dikaia! I have some venting to do also. It always seems just about the time I think I'm getting over this I do something stupid. I thought it would bring closure, but it did what I was afraid it would do. It has set me back a few months and now I have to start again trying to heal. Why do I do this??? Yeah, I thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, but who knew? Who knew he was going to do me like he did? How do you handle it when they come on so strong and do such nice things and say things that make you think you are everything to them and that you will be together forever? That you'll have a life together. Why do they do that? And then it's, "Oops, sorry. I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore. Get lost!" And that left me on the floor trying to catch my breath while you waltzed out the door with your "other" freaking g/f. The one you forget to mention. Oh excuse me...."I'm not interested in anyone else." That is what you said, isn't it? Your EXACT words, you A**h0(e!!!!! I'm sorry you were a scumbag disguised as someone nice. I'm sorry I was there for you so many gd times when I should have told you to p!ss off. I'm sorry I was there for you when your brother died. I'm sorry I was there for you when your baby was sick. I'm sorry I was there for you when you were lonely and wanted company. I'm sorry I was there for you at your housewarming as your "Significant Other" which was what you called me. You f'ing dic'he.. I'm sorry I was there to hold your hand when your ex started telling you how much she wanted you to be a family again. While her b'f was out of town. I'm sorry I was there for you during the holidays! I'm sorry I cared about you so much. I'm sorry I tried to make things better for you. I'm sorry I was there when you had to rant and rave about your ex, your job, your golf game. I'm sorry I went on those trips with you. I'm sorry I met your friends and became friends with them. I'm very sorry I'll never see them again. I'm sorry I bought all that lingerie for your benefit. I'm sorry I spent so much time with you. I'm sorry I was there for you whenever you called or came by. I'm sorry you aren't hurting now. I'm sorry you got a promotion and a new girlfriend. I'm sorry things are going so gd well for you!!!! I'm sorry you left. I'm sorry I'm feeling so sad. I'm sorry I am still hanging on waiting for you to call or email or come by. I'm sorry the one thing in my whole life that felt right was so wrong. I had given up ever finding someone who I could love so whole heartedly and who would love me the same way. I'm sorry I thought it was you. I'm sorry I met your family. I'm sorry I fell in love with your little boy. I'm sorry he loved me back. I'm sorry I will not ever know how he's doing or whether your new g/f is treating him as good as I did and if he likes her as much. I'm sorry you are such a sorry man who has his own problems to deal with. I'm sorry you won't be sleeping in the bed beside me. I'm sorry we won't have that wine cellar like you thought. Or the dog we picked out. Or the house at the beach in July. I'm just so sorry you had to include me in your life and then exclude me so cruelly. I don't understand that. I don't understand how something that felt so right was so wrong. I just don't understand.

Hey harcam, Thanks for that. I don't know if I'm getting stronger or just finally getting fed up. I guess you can only be miserable for so long. I am ready to live again and if that means without him then so be it. I still cry once in awhile and still want him with me, but there is nothing I can do about what he chooses to do. After all he chose to end this thing, not me and he did it in a cowardly way. But that's all in the past now. Thanks for your support, I never would have made it this far without it. Thank God for this site. Lisa

Hey Inx, Thank you for that sweet post. I'm glad you're getting stronger. I sort of took matters into my own hands lately and sent him an email. If I get no reply or not the reply I want then I'm going to finish this. No more worrying about him anymore. It will be ended. Fini. Lisa

Hey princessa! I am so happy for you!!!! I hope it works out!!! I agree with these guys, keep it light and flirty. Play the game! Reel him in slow and keep the upper hand. DO NOT act like you want him too much. On second thought, forget my advice, it doesn't seem to be working for me. Just do what you think is best!!!!! And Good Luck!!! Still no word from mine. Oh well. Lisa

Hey ya'll, Thanks for your advice. I'm sending it. If I never hear anything then that is it. I'll probably be starting over but at least I will know for a fact that he doesn't want anymore to do with me. Of course, I guess his actions have proven that, wouldn't you say. So maybe this is closure for me. I do have to move on. God it is going to be so hard. Hell, it has been so very very hard. I will always want him and the dreams I had will never really go away. But this will be it one way or the other. princesa, you have great english and thank you for all of your support over the last few crises for me. You're right, I am stupidly hoping I'll hear from him, but I think I really know in my heart finally that it is over. LM, I have written so many letters to him that I have never sent. But this time it's over. So, I'm getting closure finally ending it for me. Pray for me, it's going to be hard. Here goes. Lisa

Hey Lost, It's always the worst time of the day. You're sleeping, maybe even dreaming of them and then you wake up. You are fine the first few seconds and then BAM!!! You realize that they aren't in your life anymore. God that hurts! At first it feels like somebody has punched you in the stomach and you've lost your breath. That's when i would reach over and grab my pillows and press my face into it and scream in agony. It would be pure pain coming out. But quietly so no one would hear, ya' know? It is pure hell. Then you have to get up and go to work and pretend like you're ok even though it feels like you'll never ever be ok again. I would then cry in the shower, have to put my make-up on twice because the first time my tears would smear everything. (Of course, you guys don't have to worry about that) Then go to work and cry in the bathroom and hope nobody notices your red eyes when you come out. Allergies, I said once or twice even though i don't really have any. You just get through the day. Then you rush home and check your email and phone msgs. hoping and praying that they called or contacted you. They didn't call your work or cell # or email your work address so you KNOW they contacted your home. Nothing. But you got through that day and you'll get through tomorrow too. I got carried away Lost. Sorry. To answer your question: I usually wake up really early too. I always have a book by my bed. NOT anything with romance in it though. If it looks like it's going that way, I would just put it down and save it for later. I've been reading self-help books alot. Also getting up and exercising is really, really good. Gets you moving and those chemicals that are released that make you feel good will help you alot. I don't know if any of this helps you, but hang around here and someone will give advice that will help. Lisa

Hey Jerseygirl, I'm really sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels. My ex started dating someone the same week (day?) we split, he was probably talking to her even before. Anyway... I think you are doing the right thing. Just smiling and being friendly, not causing any scenes is the way to go. When he starts having problems with his new g/f then he'll start remembering the good times you guys had. I've heard that it takes anywhere from four months to a year before the honeymoon period is over in a new relationship. Give it time. You guys have a history and over this period of time the bad memories will fade and the good ones will shine. I got really insecure the last few months of my relationship, I had reason to. Are you sure you didn't? Was your intuition telling you something? Was he pulling away? My ex did and I got really clingy and that made me insecure and I simply reacted instead of acting and I would start fights and did things I should not have done. Which of course, made him run away and I chased like a cat after a mouse. It was degrading, I can see that now. It takes two to make it work and only one to finish it. He thought the grass was greener, I hope it wasn't. With all my heart I hope he's thinking about us now. I hope it works out for you. Just be very patient. And start dating again. Flirt a little. it doesn't hurt for him to see you being interesting to other guys. And who knows, you may find someone who treats you better. Lisa

Hey people, I am having this unbelievable urge to contact him. I wrote an email. The gist of it goes like this: Dear SO, I was cleaning out a few folders and found the one about your new job promotion and realized I had never replied. So I want to congratulate you on that and I hope it's everything you wanted. While I'm writing this I figure I may as well get a little closure on a few things. I really enjoyed our time together and I hope you have a few good memories also. There are a few things I did that I'm not proud of and I want to apologise for that. I hope the bad doesn't outweigh the good. The gin and tonics, the trips, the sex, the wine tasting, the company and the laughter. I think you're a fascinating man and I wish all the best for you. PS Please do not reply. A short and impersonal email would do neither of us justice. Does this sound like I'm asking for something from him? Like I want him back? Please tell me if you think I should send it. It's been nearly four months and I am hoping this will either completely close it for me or it will be a new beginning. Please give me your opinions. Lisa

Wow ziggy! That was a very insightful post. It sounds like you've done alot of thinking. You go guy! I hope you find what you need and want.

Hey marty, You sound like you know what you have to do. It's a hard decision, but it will be better for you. Let her go and like I always say, "Concentrate on YOU now" for your own sake. Your intuition is telling you what is going on, trust it. Why are you being such a nice guy? I mean that's great (sort of), but she is stringing you along and you don't owe her anything. I wouldn't send her a gift for her b'day. Why? Think about it. Are you sending it to her because you think she'll suddenly realize what she's missing and come running back? Don't be so freaking nice. You need to let her go. At least until you can contact her without any motives and take whatever she dishes out. I so want to hear from my ex, but I haven't contacted him yet, because I'm not at the stage where I can do it without wanting something from him. I think I'm there, I'll write it, then get up here and look around and realize it's not time yet and save it to my drafts. If you feel like contacting her, get up here instead. Lisa

Hey azure, I'm sorry your ex is being such a sh##, but you need to quit worrying about what he's doing and why he's doing this and worry about YOU. No one knows why guys (and girls) do things that hurt us. We love them and give them our time, our love, our souls and they just throw it away and stomp us in the dirt. Why???? I wish I knew. The one thing you HAVE GOT TO DO is stop worrying about him. This is now YOUR time. Only YOU matter now. You do what makes you feel good. You concentrate on YOU. He made the choice to be without you and that hurts like hell. I know. I hate to be so redundant and I know you've heard it a million times, but Time does heal all wounds. Or at least makes them more bearable. Your ex sounds like it's over for him and usually when a guys makes that decision then it really is over. I'm sorry but that has been the experiences that I've seen. I think you should concentrate on what you want and not on what he wants. If he's being indifferent then you be a total icicle if you hear from or see him. Smile nicely, but that's it. Don't make anything easy for him. Why should you? He's the one being a di%$head. I don't think you should contact him at all anymore. I hope you are keeping yourself busy and try dating others. It's not easy I know, and you'll probably compare them to your ex, but at least you're out there again and eventually that guy won't be in your head so much and then he won't be in there at all. Time honey. Give it time. It's been WOW! almost four months (May 2)since my ex split and it really will get better. I still have my bad days and think about doing stupid things, but when you get that urge to contact him, get up here instead. We will stand behind you. I wish you all the best. Lisa

Hey raider, I've done alot to improve myself. Or I think so anyhow. I've joined the gym, which I really need to go to more. But I'm more aware of the physical aspect of what my body can do now and I absolutely love it. Getting in shape was one thing I missed and didn't even know it. It's amazing how a few muscles can make you feel. I've taken up a new hobby, tarot cards. Very interesting. I have figured out some of what I need to work on emotionally and the cards help with that. I'm working on ME and that's always a good thing. I have figured out the things I did wrong and I will not fall into the same patterns as I have the last few relationships. I will not give him all of my time or power. I did not have a very good model when I was growing up either. My mom was a true B!#ch and my dad was very distant and gone all the time. So my parents were not good candidates for emotionally mature love. I think there was and still is a co-dependency situation and my father was emotionally never there even when he was physically there. My mom was so frustrated with life that she took it out the only way she knew how. By wanting to control everything and when she couldn't she'd yell and scream and it was not pleasant growing up in that. I have tried so hard not to do that ever. I use to when I was married let things build up until I exploded and my poor ex-husband wouldn't know what the hell the real issues were and neither did I so we certainly couldn't talk about it. No wonder it ended in divorce. Now one thing I want to say to you raider, DO NOT LOSE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. It is one of the MOST important things to have in this life. If you can only let go when you're in front of your friends and you feel like you have to watch what you say in front of your g/f then honey, something is wrong. It can be one of the biggest turn-ons. My exs sense of humor was one of the things I loved about him. He could be absolutely hilarious in a sarcastic and goofy way when we were together. He also knows how to act in polite society, but he knows how to find the humor in everything too. It's a wonderful trait, don't feel you have to change that for anyone. It's a part of who you are and if you change that FOR someone then eventually you change WHO you are and you will regret it and resent it. I think maturity has nothing to do with being funny but it does have something to do with knowing when it's inappropriate and it sounds like you already know about that. My ex had a problem with his ex and the headgames she played on him. He has two boys and she used them to make him feel really guilty. Then the other women who chased him. But he made the CHOICE to cheat regardless of what they did. I think the timing was wrong for us. I got clingey at the end instead of giving him space which he needed. He probably has a few problems with women and trust especially since his two big relationships ended in him being the one being cheated on. Which is why I couldn't understand why he would put me through that same pain. His parents divorced when he was young and his mother cheated on his dad and he really dislikes her now. So he has a few problems in that category too. I'm sure there were warning signs that things were not going to work out all along if I had just looked at them honestly. But I fell in love and to hell with warning signs. You'd think I would know better. This is the only time I get to talk about him and it feels so good today. It's helping with my healing I think, being able to do that and not feel like someone is going to say "You should be over him now. Get on with your life" which someone has said to me and which made me feel like a huge loser since I can't do that yet. What is wrong with me? He's not worth it. Get over it. Those kinds of feelings and thoughts came up. But I don't worry about that up here because everybody knows how it feels and are going through it too. It helps also to analyze this stuff raider, so thanks for that post. Lisa

Hi ascen, It sounds like you're in a pretty good place right now. She is wondering why you aren't chasing her and probably just what are you up to and if you're seeing someone. Especially if you've not said anything to her about your life lately. I would take it very slow. If nothing else, not contacting her will give you a little time for healing and thinking things through. It's tough and not knowing what to do is really hard. I get so confused and have so many conflicting thoughts still that my mind feels like a blender some days. Ok, most days. Should I do this? should I do that? What if I email him? Call him? No, I can't. Yes, I can. No, I can't. And on it goes. Whatever you decide to do let us know how it goes, ok? I hope it goes good for you. Lisa

Hey Tab, Unfortunately for alot of us when we are in a long term relationship things do get boring and comfortable. Bills to pay, no dating excitement, no illicit sex, just day to day surviving. That's when anything that is different becomes exciting and new and feeling so good. So people cheat. It's wrong and I do believe in karma. I just wish people would think about who they are hurting and if it's worth it. Lisa

Hi hurt&, Isn't this place great? I'm glad you're spending time on yourself, making yourself feel better is what your main priority should be. If you feel better you will be more able to look at things from a new and clearer perspective. When I found out my ex had cheated my self-esteem went straight in the toilet. I had always said that if someone ever cheated on me then they were history. I could always find someone else easily that wanted ME. And I wish I had stuck to that, but he called, we talked, I was weak. We got back together but it only lasted another month, maybe 6 wks. But I still do not feel as beautiful, strong, independent, and with it as I did before. It's just too easy to be hurt by someone you love. It hurts your ego, your self-esteem, your physical body. How many of us have made ourselves sick by not eating? Or how many of us have had our hearts actually ache? Our exes did not care. Unfortunately I gave my ex way too much power over how I felt about myself. I put him on a pedestal and figure his opinion is worth more than anybody else's including mine. When I get into a relationship I just give all of my power over to him. A lot of women do. Relationships are more important to us, so we do what we think will make him happy. I really hope things work out for you and your daughter. Your husband needs to realize that it will take you a while before you feel ok with him. I think actions speak louder than words and if his actions don't match his words then I would think really hard about this. Have you decided on marriage counselling? It would help I'm sure. Hang in there and we're all pulling for ya' lisa