lisaria

Hey Liz, No Contact is tough, it's very tough. Probably one of the hardest things you will have to go through. BUT...it's worth it. No Contact is for YOU, not to see if he loves you enough he'll call. You now have to concentrate on just you, he doesn't come into this. It's all about your healing. Stay busy. Find things to do. Write in a journal all those feelings you don't know what to do with. Start a new hobby. Go out with your friends. Study a new subject. Workout. Jog. Clean your car, clean your neighbor's car. Re-arrange the furniture. Take dance lessons. Whatever it takes to keep you busy. The busier you are the faster time flies, the faster time flies, the healthier you will get and you will heal. It may not seem like it today, but one day you will be able to look at this relationship in a logical manner and not in an emotional one. You will be able to see the good and the bad and how and why it didn't work out. You will change. This will make you a stronger and wiser person and you will be different. I really hope things work out for you. Hang in there.

Hi alimbagirl, I think it's a little strange that you've got two men here at such a different time in their lives. They each give you something but it doesn't sound like it's what you really need. I agree with the earlier posts and think you should step back and really work on you for a while. Is it fun or security you want? Why can't you have both in one man?

Hi people, You are so right jmh, everything reminds you of them. When you've spent so much time with someone you go through a lot of things that you just don't think about at the time. You're just enjoying the doing or the watching, or the listening of it. And it's always stuff that you do everyday. Outkast's big hit Hey Ya was one thing that really got to me. Everytime I heard I would see the ex dancing to it in his boxers 8) and the Dido song White Flag would remind me that he always thought of me lap dancing for him when it played. So until the last month or so I couldn't even listen to those and they played them ALL the time. But it's better now. I loved those songs, still do, just like the ex. Time will help. Cold Mountain was the last movie we saw, the night we had our last fight. I thought I would never ever be able to watch that again, but I went out and bought the DVD just because it's such a good movie. The first few times I watched it I cried, but now I just like the movie. There are other things...gin and tonics, I have still not had another one of those. He introduced me to them. Or mimosas....they remind me of the rainy Sunday we spent watching movies and drinking those. I can't hear an airplane without thinking of him or hear about Myrtle Beach or Niagara Falls and don't mention Canada either. I just feel sad, but it's not the gut wrenching sadness it once was. It does get better. I hated the bedroom, changed it all around. I got new living room furniture a month after we split. I nearly quit cooking completely because we always fooled around in the kitchen. And I could not read a good romance at all. They just made me cry. Stupid. EVERYTHING reminds you of them. It's awful though while you're going through it. You don't think you'll ever feel better....but eventually you do. Life does that. Time does that. Only sometimes it hits you when you least expect it and you'll feel like you're back in the black abyss. But those times get fewer and farther apart and one day it will all be just a bittersweet memory. Good luck to you.

Thanks PAdreamer, It's just really hard sometimes. At least I have learned that the down moments won't last forever.

I like to light candles. Put on some sexy music and dance for my man, slowly undressing, lap dances, tease the hell out of him. But not for too long. Bring him flowers. Surprise him with small gifts. Special dinners. Special evenings. God, I miss him!!!!

It sounds to me like you're awfully worried about whether or not you guys cum, that's not what it's all about. Have fun for God's sake. It's not a contest. Figure out what she likes and DO IT!!!!!! Figure out what you like and DO IT!!!!! Stop worrying about whether you cum too soon. If you do then use something else. Usually a woman needs stiumulation that's other than penetration. Do you know how to please her with your hand or your mouth? Learn what pleases her. It's the biggest turn on when you're pleasing the person you're with. Quit worrying! If you care about each other, make it a game. And Laugh!!!! Just enjoy being together and remember that this is a time when you can be as close to a person as it is physically possible to be. What does she like? Don't feel like you've GOT to have perfect sex. That takes time. Learn each other. Believe me, if you can laugh and play at sex you're ahead of the game.

Hi Vpixie, NC is the No Contact rule. But I really feel that is not for you guys. Maybe you are just being paranoid about your relationship. Relax and let things go, stop thinking so much about your friends words. I know easier said than done, but you can do it. Have you told him about your fears and worries? If not, then do so and start over from there. If you guys are both willing to work at this then you'll do ok. I'm rooting for ya' Good luck and let us know how it goes. lisaria

That's the thing about staying in contact with them, they never talk about what you want to, the important stuff. They'll keep it light and "friendly" which will just drive you up the wall. AND it hurts! It's not like they don't know what you want to talk about, they just pretend they don't. The way you are feeling right now, you just need to drop any contact with him. You aren't strong enough, believe me, I'm still there. I dread...absolutely dread seeing the ex, much less being friendly with him. He can't give you what you need and want right now, let him go, at least until you've worked on yourself. You were feeling stronger until he popped back into the picture and it just put you back to the beginning. You are giving him too much power over you. Take it back girl. You will feel so much better and stronger if you take control. It's tough as so many of us here know. But if it will make you feel better then do it, seeing him is not doing it for you. I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there, you'll get through this and feel so much stronger and wiser. lisaria

Hey Vpixie, It sounds to me like you guys should try to work on this. You say you want to make it work and he says he's never thought of breaking up, then work on it! You have a lot on you. Work and school full time is stressful. Stress makes you irritable which probably makes him irritable and then you're both not fun to be with. Have things been going good until you moved in with someone else? That is also more stress. Don't worry about how much they don't argue and you do, that is no indicator of love. People have their own communication style and as long as everybody is communicating that's all that matters. As long as you guys "hear" what each other is saying. The only thing though, is that if you do decide to work on it, then do it with your whole heart, not wishy washy. One day, yeah, next day welllll....maybe. You have to be sure. It's hard work but it's worth it. Sit down and talk to him. Show him you love him. You already have a history together, do you want to throw it away? This is definitely different for me. I am usually an advocate for NC, but this sounds to me like you guys have a chance and love should never be given up on if there is even a teensy piece of chance. I wish you both all the best.

Hi angelsgal, It seems like the NC worked better for you. This being friends is bs until you can handle it without wanting anything more from him. It's tough, but seeing him and talking to him is just hurting you. Don't let him do that.

Hey Buffee, I agree with evepm, it does sound like he has moved on. I know that hurts to hear, but you will be ok. He is not thinking about you or your feelings when he brings his new g/f to the game. I don't know how you are doing it. It's been more than six months for me and I would probably collapse completely if I were to see my ex with his new g/f. Who says you have to be friendly to the guy? Hell, be bit#*y if you want to, if it gets you through with your pride and dignity intact. But do not let him see you down about this. Be the happiest person at the game. He doesn't have to know he's still hurting you. Don't give him that. Two and a half months is no time at all to get someone you loved out of your system. It just shows how much more you can love than he can. Take care Buff and good luck to you. lisaria

I was 17 and did it with a guy my friend liked just to get back at her for saying something untrue about me. Awful, huh?

Hey ang3l, You can't put a time frame on healing. Obviously you had deep feelings for this person, how can you say "In 5 months I'm not going to feel anything for this person"? It just doesn't work like that or we would all be feeling better in no time. It's been 6 1/2 months for me and I still love my ex and miss him and want him. I've changed a lot and I'm sure you have to. Do you still cry and scream in your pillow at night or in the shower? Are you still barely able to get out of bed in the morning? Do you still cry all during the day and end up in the bathroom because of that half the day at work? If you do, then you may want to consider a therapist. But if you are not doing these things, then you are getting better. I think that the fact that you still talk to him has a big impact on the reason why you can't get over him. You have to stop talking to him. Everytime you do you expect something good and it's not going to happen. They say things like "I can see us together in the future" or "I see us being together later" just to make it easier on their conscience and they think they are being nice to you. It just hurts though. It's cruel whether they do it on purpose or not. It puts the knife in a little deeper and twists a little harder. You will have to be the one to end these contacts. It will hurt and you will need strength that you think you don't have, but you do have it and taking control of this situation will make you feel so much better. You will still have bad days, we all do. Some days we miss the ex, especially when something out of the ordinary happens and we so want to share. Or holidays. Birthdays. It's just the cycle of the healing. One day though, you wake up and realize that life is good whether the b/f is there or not. That is a good day. I really hope you feel better soon, but I don't think that will happen so long as you two are in contact. Take control. Good luck to you. lisaria

Hey soco, I have to agree with nomore. Let this guy go. He's not ready for a commitment. I know it hurts, but you will be so much better in the long run. No, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with him, as far as I can tell. You guys are just not in the same place at the same time. It sounds like being friends is not an option for you now, so I would say give the No Contact a go. It is for you, not him. Good luck and all the best to you. lisaria

Hey Sad Sack, Your g/f is going through a very tough time. She is probably so confused and hurt that she has no idea what she wants. This puts you in a tough situation because you want to help her and be there for you but she doesn't want that right now. I agree with Beec about backing off. She may feel threatened by you and I know that's not what you mean, but she is not looking at things too rationally right now. Be there for her if she contacts you, but take it very slow. Be super gentle and do not force anything. No words about your feelings or the relationship. Just be there for her. Perhaps if she doesn't call, then you could contact her in a week or two just to ask how she's doing. Let her lead the whole conversation though. Give her time. When she is past this, and it may take a while, she will know that you were there for her. Good luck. lisaria

Hi acongojada, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you've had a tough time of it. This is the right place to be. So many here are also having it hard and it's easy to talk to them and to know that you are not alone in this. It sounds to me like your ex is simply using you. I know that is a little harsh, but that is how I see it. He likes having you around for the "good times" because then he doesn't have to put quite so much effort into the dating when he knows he has you to go to for his other needs. He can take his time with the new women. God! That sounds terrible. I know how it is though, I've been there. He was keeping you hanging on by telling you all the crap that he thought you wanted to hear. And since you loved him, you believed him. Why is it that when a relationship starts all the hang-ups are ok? But after a few months they aren't? He knew you had narcolepsy and yet it was ok. But when it started interfering with what he wanted, it's not ok. If he could not handle it then he should not have started anything. And then to keep you hanging on for his selfish reasons is beyond bad, it downright sucks. Who did he think he was??? Take it as a compliment. You must be good. That's what I tell myself about my ex. Well, at least he finally got honest and told you how it really was. I am so sorry. I sometimes wonder what God is thinking to make men and women so different. Especially when it comes to something so important as love and sex. I think the No Contact is probably the best thing for you right now. He knows how you feel and you've put the ball in his court. The important thing is for you to only worry about YOU. He does not even come into the picture now. This is for your own peace of mind. Not some sort of manipulations as some people claim the NC is. It's not that. It's about healing YOU. And not seeing, talking, emailing, phoning, riding by, or contacting him in any way is necessary. You have to heal. You can't do that if you're in contact with him. Everytime you do hear from him your hopes will be renewed and that is so unfair. If you feel like contacting him call a friend instead. Go for a walk, get up here and vent, anything that will get you out of the idea of contacting him. If you have caller id, use it. If you had IM, take his name off, better yet, block him. If you have pics, put them away, same with emails and letters if you saved them. I know you probably don't feel like it now, but you should get out and be around people, especially people who love and care about you. Be nice to yourself and remember that you did the best that you could with what you had at the time. I think someone up here said that once and it really stuck with me. But it is so true. You are doing the best that you can right now, so be easy on yourself. You didn't deserve this, but you will get through it. Take care and best of luck to you. lisaria

Hey Charlee, Good for you!!! The important thing is that you got over this call fairly quickly and you're back on track. He has lost out and his karma can't be all that hot. No telling what he's drawing to himself. *evil laugh* I'm really glad you're feeling so much stronger and better. Good luck. lisaria

Hi eve2000, I'm sorry you're feeling down again. It's amazing how these things come in waves like that. I know what you're feeling because I am going through sort of the same thing right now. It's been 6 and a half months for me and I have been so down the last few days just thinking about him. I saw him ride by on the highway last week and it's like all the bs happened yesterday and I'm right back where I started. Not quite as bad but bad enough. I don't know what I would have done if I saw him with his new g/f. I don't even know if he's still with her, there has been absolutely no contact whatsoever and I'm too damned proud to ask mutual friends about it. Anyway. These things do come in waves and give it a few days and you'll feel better. Or a few weeks. I'm just sorry we got tangled up with these jerks who didn't seem to know what the word commitment meant. At least when it came to us they didn't. 0X Good luck eve.

Hi Jyebo, I'm sorry you're in this position and I hope you feel better soon. I would have to say that I agree with Mike W., use this time for you. Do what makes you feel good and things that maybe you've not had time to do. You know, the things you wanted to do with your buddies, but instead did something with the g/f kind of things. From a woman's perspective? Don't ask those things that your heart wants to know. It will make you seem needy and that is the last thing you want to do. You want to be strong, independent and fun. Even if it's not what you feel inside, fake it till you make it. Let her see the guy she fell in love with, not the one she left. Not to bug you, Jyebo, but when someone says they didn't really have any problems in the relationship red flags go up in my head. So many times one person in the relationship will let things build up because they think that by not causing problems they will go away or maybe it isn't that important or I don't want to seem like a b@#ch sooooo......of course they don't say anything and then it's a whole different problem and by the time it's out in the open it's too damned late. And lots of times it is just the small things that build and build until it's huge. And then there are bigger problems in the relationship. Problems like respect and trust and being appreciative and remembering why you got together in the first place. So people who are in relationships here are four words of advice: TALK to each other. You would be so surprised how often we get too involved with our day to day living that we forget to communicate to the ones we love. And if something bothers you then for pete's sake SAY SO!!! Ok, enough rambling for me.... Good luck Jyebo.

Wow, goodquestion pretty much said it all. I just wanted to add that I would be wary of signing a long term lease for where you are, not until you know exactly what you want to do. Having relationship troubles is not really a good time for big decisions like that. Is there any way you could stay where you are for a few months more? lisaria

Hey broken15, You did the right thing when you broke it off with him. Yes, it was tough and yes, you are hurting, but you did the mature, honor-yourself kind of thing. He was the stupid little boy who couldn't control himself. When you are with someone who hurts you and cusses you and cheats on you that is abuse. Would you let anyone else do that to you? NO! Why would he or should he get away with doing that? You showed him you respected yourself more than to let him treat you like that. Good for you. Now let him go. The thing to do now is to get past the hurt. To carry on and move on. When you feel like crying then do it. When you feel like screaming, grab that pillow. Just do what you can until the pain lifts. It will eventually. Go out with your friends, flirt, go see a comedy, watch a ball game. Get out and do things physical. Jog, hike, take a long walk, whatever will get you out in nature. It will make you feel better. Find a hobby to do. Something new. Write in a journal. Write poetry. Post here. Just give time a chance to start it's healing. I know it sounds really cliche and you've heard it a million times, but it's true...time does heal. I hope you stay strong. When this is over you will be stronger, wiser and you will wonder what you ever saw in him. Trust me on that. Good luck. lisaria

Hey Charlee, It sounds to me like your ex wants you hanging around just in case things do not work out with his new g/f. What a selfish jerk! Why would he tell you that he loves you and misses you if he doesn't want to be with you? It sounds to me like you were better off with the NC. Now you're wondering and wishing and all the other bs that comes along with the contact from an ex. Do you really want that? Does his new g/f know he's telling you these things? He's not being fair to her or you. Do you really want someone like that? There are so many others out there that he's just a drop in a bucket. Think about it.

Hey Orex, Good God Man!!! No wonder you're confused!!! When my ex-husband and I split we had been together ten years. I did things that I thought were being nice and trying to make it easier on him (I left him). Well it wasn't. It simply put him where you are now. I am not saying your ex is like me, I don't really know. But it sounds very very wishy washy and flaky and that perhaps she is doing this to make it easier on you and just doesn't realize how much it will hurt you in the long run. Not to mention keeping you confused and wondering and worrying. I'm sure she still has feelings for you, how can she not? You guys were together a long time. But that doesn't mean she wants to live with you again. If she won't go to counseling with you then you go by yourself. Do it for you and your kids, not for her. If she really wants to work on the two of you then she has to be there physically. She has to find the time to be with you. Alone. But first, find a babysitter, sit down and tell her how you feel. If she is so sure it's not going to work then start distancing yourself from her. It is very hard because you have kids, but you have to pull yourself together. You can't do that if you are constantly wondering and worrying about whether or not she is really going to be there for you and them. Tell her to get off the fence and either be with you or not. Just let you know one way or the other. It's not fair to you or the kids to be in limbo all the time. If she has made up her mind that she wants to be gone then none of the nice things you do will change the way she feels. You know how that works, I'm sure you've done that. We all have. You decide on something and come hell or high water you are not going to change your mind. I think that is how many of our exes look at us now. They have decided there is something better out there and you're history. Get over it. Then they are out the door and seem very happy, secure, and usually with someone else within a very short period of time. While we are left wondering why and trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives. But pick up the pieces we do and we usually are much wiser, stronger and better off without them. Although we can't see that in the beginning. Anyway....I really hope things work out for the two of you. But it will be very hard work and you both will have to be committed 100%. Good luck. lisaria

Hi Dmv, I am very sorry you've lost your dad. It seems that with that loss it would put you in a very vulnerable state right now. Be careful you don't get hurt by your ex again because of that. She may be sympathetic and there for you but that could be it. Nothing more. The problems that you guys split over are still around. And if she was the one you wanted to talk to and share things with when this happened then there are feelings there that you don't want to see. How close was she to your father? If she cared about him then I think you should let her know in some way of his passing. But if you call her don't expect anything. The exes never give us what we need when we contact them and you are going to be very needy right now. Again, be careful. If you just want someone to talk to then do it here. There are many caring people on this site who can help just by listening. Pour it out in a post or PM it to someone. Vent, rage, cry, it's ok. lisaria

Hey Manda, I hope I'm not too late. Don't contact him yet!!! If you feel like contacting him then get up here instead. Call a friend. Write in your journal. Get up and exercise or dance. Go jogging, biking, or hiking. Anything that gets you moving and the endorphins moving. I think that's what they are called. Find a new hobby. Join a gym or a club of some kind. It is up to him to return the email. You sent the last one, it's only polite to acknowledge it. I think you should hold out at least for a week or two. Even longer if you can. Believe me, he'll be wondering what you were up to. Let him wonder.