lisaria

It's a combination of both. He's got to have personality and a little bit of style. Whether it's the bad boy or the good guy style, he's got to have something that stands out. Also he's got to smile and have confidence and just look like he's having a blast or he's got a secret that will rock your world. There's always something that makes you YOU and you need to play on it. Use it.

Trust your gut instinct. If you FEEL like something is up, then find out now if there is. We always use our head when we should go with out gut.

The best thing you can do is make it FUN! Play games. A favorite of mine is where you are on top and he can't use his hands for anything. No touching, but he can use other things. LOL

Hey lifeiscash, It's hard to say what is going on w/out some kind of background on the two of you. Have you known each other long? Was it just sex or was it more than that? What's your history with her? If its just sex then maybe she decided she wants more and did not want to ruin the friendship, because things change after sex, no matter what you've heard. Some women cry after orgasm, it's some sort of chemical release, I think. But since you did not have sex, maybe her hormones were raging and something else is going on. Maybe you should contact her and let her know that it's alrite and you still value her friendship (if you do). Ask her what's going on and just be there for her. If you want more, then you definitely need to be very understanding and hang in there.

Thanks guys for your replies. I really appreciate it. I've been reading some of the other posts and topics up here and it's amazing how much we all think and talk about sex. God knows I certainly think about it ALOT! I've decided to go for it. I'm talking with one or two others online and we may eventually meet and who knows where that will go. But right now I'm tired of fulfilling my own physical needs and I want sex! I like these guys, I enjoy the time I'm with them, it might not last, but I will at least get a few steamy nights in (thanks kbelle). They know I'm dating others, so we're all pretty honest and open. I feel right now like there will be no guilt and if there is....I'll worry about that then. This is stupid. Why should I deny myself the pleasure they can provide? It doesn't make me a bad person if I enjoy my body (and theirs)! I would like for things to last but they may not and I'll get past that too if and when it happens. Anyway....thanks guys. I just needed to hear someone else's opinion about this to get it straight in my own mind.

Wow! It's been a a while since I've posted here. I've been through so much in the last year and this place was a godsend when I needed the help of all of you. Well...I have another problem and maybe you guys can help me think about this differently. I've pretty much healed from my heartbreaking experience of last year and some of you may remember it. My new problem (if that's what it is) is that I'm dating two guys. Or I was dating two guys...now I'm not sure. I have been seeing two men since Thanksgiving. One is a very passionate and exotic (exciting) person, the other is very serious and exotic in a different way and has a genius iq. They are very different and I really like that. The problem is sex. I was raised southern baptist and live in the bible belt and work with people who think if you're not married (and even if you are) sex is dirty. I love sex. But I decided that this time I was going to do it differently and not have sex with them until I knew they were going to stick around. I have a history that (before my ex) I would have sex, get involved and they would leave. I wanted something that will last!!!! I figured maybe that way they would get to know me and fall in love and stay. The problem is that I'm about to lose them both because I won't have sex with them. I want to and I did, but only once a while back. I had a little too much wine and things got out of hand....and then nothing since but a little kissing and light petting. But they want it and I don't know if they are going to stick around. One says he "doesn't know" and the other says "all men cheat" which I take to mean him too. The problem is that I want to and is it ok to have sex with two different guys? Not at the same time but at the same time, if you know what I mean....Does that make me easy? (I can't say the word I want to). These guys are both 38, a few years younger than me and I do enjoy being with them, but they are pulling away from me. I sometimes feel like all men want from me is the sex which would be ok if they just stayed. Both of them know I want a long term relationship, but I just don't know about them. Guys, do you stop being interested in women when they don't have sex with you? How long does it take? What is a good time length for waiting and if you've done it once does that make you want to do it again? I'm just not sure what the sexual etiquette is now. And why do guys not stay, why do they always think there is something better down the road? I know this is more than one question, but can someone make some sense out of this and tell me what is going on? I want sex and sex with two is something I've never done before, and does that make me an awful person? Should I do it and if I do how do I get rid of the guilt? Help! I hope you aren't as confused as I am right this minute and can help me sort this out.

Hey giggle, You have doubts and regardless of your past, you have a reason for them. Like they said, trust your gut instinct. Get out now! Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care if you're waiting at home alone and he's God only knows where and with who. You make plans it is simply courtesy to call if you are going to be late or you can't make it. And you sure as hell don't lie about calling and say you did when you didn't. Even if he's not cheating (and I seriously doubt your instinct is wrong) then he has already proven he's a liar. Why be with a liar who you will never know when to believe. It's asking for trouble. I've been there and it will only get worse. Do not invest anymore time or emotion into this bull. Why do that to yourself? lisaria

Hello toots, I am so sorry for the hurt that you are feeling right now. There will be things that you will do that will help you to get through this, like your healthier lifestyle, losing the weight, going to the gym, all of those positive things that you are doing now. Keep doing them. Do not lose faith in yourself. When the person you loved for so many years leaves and he does it in such a freaking hurtful way that you immediately start questioning yourself. Maybe I'm not smart, young, pretty, interesting enough. Take your pick...any and all apply. But it's not true. You know deep down that you are smart, pretty, interesting, and by God! just the right damned age for any damned thing the old SOB wants to throw at you. He just isn't intelligent, handsome, interesting or in good enough shape FOR YOU! Get mad!!!! Get furious!!!! Scream in your pillow. Punch it until your hand hurts. Read everything you can find on any subject you ever wanted to know about. What is it you always wanted to do that you've not done yet? GO DO IT!!! Start a journal. Walk. Meditate. Run. Bike. Swim. Dance naked in your living room. Cut on loud women rock!!! Play some 4 Non-Blondes, Tina Turner, I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor (?), all the strong women songs you can think of. Play them over and over. Watch what you are telling yourself. DO NOT USE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS about yourself and your life. If you find yourself doing that, immediately change your thought. Laugh even if you are crying. And do what makes you feel good. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH HE HAS HURT YOU. Why give him that big piece of your heart again? He doesn't deserve it. He was too damned stupid to know what he had. Act like you are so damned happy now that he's given you the huge gift of being YOURSELF. You don't have to do anything you don't want to ever again. You don't have to cook dinner if you don't feel like it. You don't have to ask him what his plans are for tonight. You don't have to go to the movie he wants to see, you can go see what you want to. You can go to the restaurants you like. You don't have to worry about washing his nasty underwear or socks. You don't have to stop and ask his permission for any damned thing you want to do or buy. YOU ARE FREE. YOU ARE FREE. You are a beautiful, strong, independent woman. Tell yourself that until you believe it. And remember that no matter what you will be OK. No matter what happens today or tomorrow you will handle it. You will handle it and come out on the other side a stronger woman. You now know that you will be able to get through any damned thing he wants to throw at you. On second thought, you don't give a sh@t what he throws at you anymore. He has NO MORE POWER over you. You are your own woman. You are YOU and that is pretty damned good. Please take care and do not give him anymore of your power. Take it all back. It's yours. Time will show you how much you have grown and learned. I wish you peace. Lisa

Hi JohnnyTable, I agree with AzurePhoenix. Stay in the No Contact mode and work on you. It sounds to me that when she said she wanted to see you that she was either playing games or was not very sure about the new relationship, and I would say probably the latter. Either way she was wrong to do that to you and you know now where you stand. Good luck.

Hey trinity, I too read the cards as a hobby, one of the good things that came out of my breakup. The cards will tell you what is going on at the time of the reading. You should remember that any choice you make could and will change the outcome of the cards. They are never, ever set in stone. The cards are more of a way of clarifying things than for telling you what the future will bring. Trust in yourself more than the cards. Hard at a time like this I know, but use the cards as a sideline not a mainline. Lisa

Hey H&P, Nah, that's not always the case. The good Lord knew what he was doing when he made us all so very different. Men are all different too, (not that I've been with that many), and that makes it all part of the fun. Getting to know what they like and showing them what you like and how it just gets better and better as your feelings grow for each other and when you learn their body and they learn your body and things just heat up naturally. Whew! Getting warm in here....

Hi jchristik, It sounds to me like you love your husband. You guys have been together a long time and you're wondering the good ol' "What ifs" which are hell on your life and your marriage. You have been married long enough now that you have gotten into a routine. You both know each other or you think you do. Just remember that there are always things that you will never know about another person. No matter how much you think you do. Take this for instance...he probably doesn't know about your feelings for this other person, does he? Perhaps he has feelings for someone that you don't know about and is thinking the same things. Talk to him. The only problem though is that this kind of thinking hurts you and hurts your husband and he doesn't even know it. These kind of feelings just fester if you don't put a stop to them or find some way of releasing them and then your marriage will be a sham and you'll feel even worse which will make him feel bad and it will snowball from there. I think that if you want to make your marriage work you need to let this guy go. Stop emailing him for pete's sake. You're only asking for trouble. Put this energy to your husband, change the way you think about him and about your relationship. The only one who can do it is you. After all these are just thoughts and thoughts are controllable. Read the Mars and Venus books, give them to your hubby to read. If you find yourself thinking about what could have been right then and there yell in your head "Stop!" and immediately think about something you really love about your life with your husband. Keep these thoughts in your head, not the things you liked about the other guy. Well, that's my two cents worth and I hope that you will think about it a little. I would hate to think that things would not work out because of some guy from the past who is not really who you remember. They never are. Good luck.

What great advice! There are many wise things in this post. Remember that life will get better, like the poster said, all things must pass. Just let time do her work on you, and you do the work you need to do, you will come out a new person. It won't feel good for a long time, but one day you wake up and you realize that ten minutes went by and you didn't think about the ex. He wasn't the first thing you thought of when you woke up. The sun will shine, the music on the radio is so upbeat, you're dancing and you're alone and ok with that and damn! life is fine!

WOW!!! What a lucky girl! Or you must really know what she likes. I can do it myself in a few minutes at the most, with someone else it always takes longer and if they are doing it, even longer. Usually at least 15 minutes and that is if I show them how. Most guys are just too heavy handed.

Hey Michael, Thank you so much! We have all been through a lot of bull, but we've all grown so much too. It's weird how many of the people here on enotalone that I've never met, never really communicated with much, but I still feel like they are friends. You go through such heartbreak with others and there is a bond of some sort. And then they disappear, move on, find someone else and they are gone. We may never hear from them again, but they stepped into our lives when we needed them the most and that means something to each of us. You've come such a long way since your very first post. Doesn't it feel great to know that they may have thrown us away, but guess what? We are better than they ever knew. I love you guys! Lisa

That's fantastic Michael!!! Things are getting better and better!!! I'll bet your boys are so proud of you.

Hello everyone, Thank you so much for your wonderful support. I've looked at all of you guys posts and I can see that we have all come such a long way. Fantasia, I'm so glad you are finally getting to the point where your focus is on you and your future. Do not worry about failing in the NC, I think you have become so much stronger now. Let the others wait for you to contact him, they'll be waiting a long time, won't they? 8) Hey Fill, you got through your b'day and your ex even showed up AND bought you a gift. That doesn't sound so bad. I won't have to worry about my ex showing up. He's forgotten all about me. Hey Muneca, You give good advice up here and have helped me even when I never said anything. Thanks for being here and raising all of our spirits when we needed it the most. KungfuMaster, I still can't look at his pics, may not for a long long time. It's the weekend, how are you doing? If you need to vent, we're here, ya' know. Happy late birthday to you Pebek. You got through it and just think....another decade. Oh me...that's depressing enough isn't it? Sorry, I can't help myself. Hey Scout, if I had ripped my ex's pics, I wouldn't have to worry about stumbling accross them when I'm looking in my closet for something. Sounds like a smart thing to do. Thank you to EVERYONE who has helped so many of us when you didn't even know it. I will get through my birthday without a word from the ex. I had such a fantastic one last year, I really hope that something happens to make this one just as good, or at least bearable. I may stay on here the whole day, who knows? Whatever I decide I know that you guys will be here for me. Thank you.

Excuse me? You say this is a friend of yours? Ok, she cheated, he put up with it. That's their business. When they split why did you get close to him? They were together she must have had some sort of feelings for him no matter what her actions said. What were you doing with him? If she was your friend, you don't get close to her b/f. Friends are there with you even when and especially when you screw up. She screwed up....so why are you judging her and why are you messing around with the guy she liked? Guys come and go, friends do not.

Hey Spicey, Be ready if he does not answer you or if he's cold to you. Enough time has passed that perhaps he will have forgiven the things done wrong in the past, but there is also the possibility that he will still be bitter. As long as you can handle whatever he throws out there, then I say go for it. But be strong enough that you can forgive yourself and move on afterwards. If you don't feel the strength or if there is any kind of doubt whatsoever then I would say wait just a little longer. Another thing to think about is if he is with someone else. That would make it tougher on you, I think. Just my two cents worth. 8)

Wow! Thank you so much Scout! It's been a bumpy ride, but worth it just from the growing I've done, (I never thought I'd say that). I don't want to do it again, but I am in such a better place. I never would have made it this far without people like you. People I've never met but I still consider my friends. daredevil and 486d it will get better. I wish I could help but nothing but time will do that. I am definitely not looking forward to my b'day but I will survive that just like I have all the other stuff. And who knows what will happen between now and then? A few weeks ago I thought that I would never get over my ex and that I would always feel this profound sadness, and it probably feels like that to you guys, but it will not last. It really won't. Stay in NC mode and work on yourself. That is the only thing that got me through the time I needed to heal. I would never have made it if I were still in contact with him. Never. So hang in there guys, if I can do it so can you. Hang around this place as long as you need to. It was a major medicine in my healing. I know that I may still have a bad day and you'll probably see me posting on my b'day, because when you love someone it doesn't just go away. It takes time to learn to live without them and to learn who you are when you're alone again. To all of you that posted at the right time when I needed a friend's advice or outlook, I thank you. I did a lot of lurking and posting here for a while. This was my place of refuge. You are all my friends even though we have never met. Thank you from the bottom of my poor battered, broken but nearly healed heart.

Hi all, I just wanted everyone to know that there is hope.....and you WILL heal. I really did not think so just a few long weeks ago. For all of you that have been here for me I thank you. I have come through the hardest time of my life, but I feel like the worst is over and I could not have done it without you. I have not seen or heard from him in months so that has helped me alot. I do not think I could have ever moved on if I had any kind of contact with him at all. For all of you questioning the No Contact rule, do it. Try it for a week, it is for you and only you. You cannot move anywhere if you are still talking, Im, emailing or seeing the ex. It's impossible to get to the next stage of healing and you have to heal to find peace. I saw him a few weeks ago in his truck on the other side of the highway four lanes away and it threw me back a few steps. I cried a little for a few days, but today I feel much stronger. I know that I have survived one of the hardest emotional lessons (for want of a better word) that I will ever face and I pray to God I will never have to face it again. It hurt me and still does to some extent so very, very bad. I really do not know how I got through some days. I just wanted to sleep for years and wake up healed or not wake up at all, but of course it doesn't work that way. I still cannot and have not looked at our pics. I am not ready for that. I miss him some days more than others. I still think of him every single day and hope to hear from him. I have forgiven him and understand things better now. I have worked on myself so much so that I do not make the same mistakes in my next relationship. My spiritual life is better than it has been in years. I read tarot cards now, meditate, trying to practice the Law of Attraction (still having a little trouble with that one) and I am in such a different place now that he wouldn't even recognize me. And I am so very proud of myself. I came through this. I survived, I've actually even thrived in some areas. I will not ever go back to the clingy, needy, whiney creature he knew as me the last months we were together. Never again. I wish I could show him how different I am, but so far the opportunity has not presented itself. When I am ready and when he is ready it will happen. Until then I will move on but I will never contact him again. And if I never hear from him again I will still be ok because I AM ok anyhow. Something I forgot during the hell that was our relationship the last few months. I feel like there is hope now. I am becoming the woman he fell for once again. The strong, independent, loving woman I was that I thought I had lost. She wasn't lost, she just went into hiding trying to keep something that wasn't really her's to keep. What a hard lesson that was. I hate cliches but it's true "let it go, if it comes back, it's yours" because I was so very afraid he wasn't going to come back or I would lose him for good. And the very thing that you fear is what will happen because you hang on so tight that you choke off the love they feel for you and there is nothing left to keep them there. Let them go. And the mind games I played with myself. Sheesh. You just cannot think rationally when you need it the most. You can come up with so many reasons why you need to contact the ex. And they sound perfectly reasonable to you at the time. But when you are in that bad place believe me when I say it's not the best solution and do not trust your instincts on that. What sounds like the absolute best communication you have ever had will sound like whiney bullcrap to them. They are in a whole different universe and you have been left behind. There is no way to get past that until time has had it's way. But time will do her job and you and I will wake up and know that we've made it. I'm almost there and I hope that you guys are too, because there is no way I could have done it without all of you. The test will be my b'day coming up in a few weeks. Last year was the best one I've ever had, and I am dreading this one. But no matter what...... I WILL BE OK and guess what? You will too. Good luck to all of you in the bad place, it will get better, but you have to work at it. You have to concentrate on just you and remember that the ex is no longer with you in any way. It is all up to you now and you will do fine.

Hi Ray, It does sound like a really bad situation and I'm sorry for both of you guys. Lots of times the dumper does feel bad and from what you say she does but I don't think worrying about her is going to do you any good. You have to remember that she broke up with you which puts things in a different light. Even though she is feeling bad she has not come back to you and you have to remember this. If you were to write to her now, would you be strong enough to take the rejection that is a very real possibility? She may not respond and if she does respond it could be a short impersonal one. Could you handle that? Or would it put you back where you were? When we are so vulnerable we think that contacting our exes for their benefit, to see how they are and all that bs is actually for us. We think that if we tell them and show them how much we've changed, how much better we are doing that it will wake them up and they'll come running back. Only it hardly ever works that way. They don't respond or they respond very coldly. Either way it hurts us. ALOT. I think you should think really hard about this. You said things that hurt her because she hurt you, forgive yourself. Work on your healing. She is responsible for hers.

Hi all, I found tarot cards right after my ex and I split. It was something that helped me when I needed it. They were a new hobby and helped me pass the time. They have helped me spiritually by opening me up to things that I had let sleep for way too long. They helped me find a light during the darkest time of my life and that is all that matters. I think I am a different person because of the ex and the cards. The cards can't tell you what WILL happen in the future because any choice you make would change the outcome. They can help you see things clearer if you let them. I needed help with my intuition after the ex, he screwed that up by the cheating. I didn't trust myself, my gut feelings, but I'm slowly regaining that because that is how you know what the cards are saying. Many people see tarot negatively because they have been portrayed that way for centuries and they are simply misunderstood. It is like anything else, it's all in who uses them and what they use them for.

There is so much for a woman than just the physicality of sex. Your biggest sex organ is between your ears. Foreplay starts long before you touch her. It takes affection, romance and love away from the bedroom. Start romancing her. Your tongue between her legs will not do it alone. Use it to tell her really nice things. Tell her what you love about her, what makes her so special. Take her out to eat, talk to her. Men don't talk enough about things that women think are important. Yeah, feelings. Listen to her. Men can't just listen, they want to fix things. She says I had such a rotten day, the man wants to make it better while she just wants you to be there and tell her she's still your special baby, not explain how she can do it different the next time. It's so hard for some of us to ask for what we need. Read the Mars and Venus books. I read somewhere or heard this....when it comes to sex a man is the microwave and the woman is the crock pot. She has to be slowly brought to the right degree. Don't just zone in on the special places, and don't do it the same way all the time. When a woman feels like the man wants sex and she is not ready for it, she will do it to make her man happy. But she doesn't really enjoy it. Try not having sex for a week or two. Let her initiate it and don't even mention it. Just tease and toy with her for a while. You need patience and lots of it. If you take it slow before you even get to the physical part she will be so much more ready for it. I just thought of something. It doesn't hurt her does it? And she is not on any meds that will take away her libido is she? Ask.

Hi Orex, You sound a little better, I hope you are. I would definitely leave it up to her. Go out with her as though it were a date. Nothing heavy, just a casual date. I would have loved for my ex-hubby to do that after we split. If he had, I would probably not be here. What a long story it's been. Sigh. Have fun and I'm glad you cheered her up. A little more of that and things may go smoother. I sure hope so. Good luck.