toots

Hi Onelove, All I will say is ,do not push too hard,give her space, ask her if it is OK to contact her like you are, and respect her.Baby steps, don't overwhelm. If you think you had a powerful mid life crisis,then try this good website/forums I have found.. Read the threads and see if you fit. Thank you for your offer of help.I already had ordered the Divorce Remedy...waiting for it to arrive! I will heed your advice and be very agreeable,when we meet.If he does get in touch,as usual he has not got back despite saying he will.He does this to everyone who he feels is not "on his side" including at one point his own sons. We always did agree about most things before he shut off from me. The MLC forum has newcomers threads that are amazingly helpful in looking for "symptoms".It will let you see from all sides.My Husband appears a classic full blown MLCer. It may not be a good prognosis for reconciling ,since apparently most end in divorce.There are sections for folk in MLC or trying to reconcile too.If you go there my name there on Infidelity board is calder and I have just posted. Small thing,do you think I should send him a friendly New Year e-card? I do not want to appear to pursue,I suspect one reason he is so cold is he does not want to give me hope about his feelings for me,no "love" or even" regards" or " cheers" now on any email,only responds coldly or at all if I make first move.I am the enemy. With your wife ,responsiveness and sensitivity are key,or she will again feel that you are imposing your wishes/feelings /demands on her and be warned off. toots

Hi there, Hope you sre feeling better.Take care,have a good day!. toots

Hi does your husband have a mental health problem causing his mood swings or whatever it is? If so how much do you know about his condition? You could find out more if he is able to control his behaviour or if it is out of his control.You need to know fully to make up your mind.If he is depressive for instance he may not mean what he says when down,but if it is anxiety or personality then you need to talk this through.I would not give up till you know what is behind it and if you and he can change or accept and live with it. If you do not have to take it personally ie just due to mood swing ,then you may be able to tolerate it more. good luck,Toots

Well it is really great to hear the progress you have made.I envy you! Have a great time in Tas and I hope the relief is a real pleasure to you letting you fully enjoy your holiday! I wrote a letter too but did not send it.It was a letter forgiving him in the hope it would ease things.My Husb has been really hostile, petty and childish making it hard for me.His sister reckoned it was the guilt so I thought I would try to ease that.However before that I was angry that he lost touch with our sons,forgot youngests birthday,or worse as he has a good memory ignored it.Our son is 25 but still hurt! I emailed him about both on that and not phoning older son and he did make contact,go and give a present.Now wanting to see them over Christmas. Conversely he has been unable to speak pleasantly to me on the phone,being snappish and angry.Treating me as if I am the one who cheated.I am trying my best but react to his comments then he attacks me for being "tense" and getting at him. I do not feel like sending my letter now,am awaiting his email to see if we can speak on phone but he often does not reply or leaves it for ages just to show me how he does not care.His card,sent only after mine was received said only To ... from ...,not even a regards or merry christmas. He is so unlike himself as he used to be that some friends think he has had a breakdown,but then heis perfectly nice to everyone else though cut himself off from all old friends by not contacting them. Aaaargh! Does not make Christmas any easier. Will keep trucking.On the good side I have lots of support from good friends and am being told I look good, much slimmer and younger looking! When you are 58 that is a great compliment! take care and to all out there have a very happy Christmas!

Well I disagree that we have a RIGHT to happiness.We all have the right to try for it ,make good lives and help others find it,but like so many things it usually does not come when pursued.We have to invest in ourselves and others then perhaps when we least expect it,we find strange happiness! Tell your wife how you missed her when in the affair ,but she will still hurt so much.she has moved on,you need to try to move too,but not by demanding happiness but by trying to help others find it,caring for them before yourself. The reason I am so hard is that I am an abandoned wife.He left me for her after 37 years together ,happy good years.we were described as the perfevct couple,soulmates.A mid life crisis they say. It is a madness as you describe, he treats me badly is angry and callous when in touch,has no feeling for me other than rage and guilt I think.He admits I was a great wife ,no excuse, but like you he would sacrifice me willingly for her,saying he loves her and can do nothing else.I am moving on and stronger for it.He may crash ,I do not know.He may want me back.I do not know what I would feel then.Now I do want him,I believe marriage is for life and do not give up so soon.In a year or two who knows? Do you have any advice for me? I am trying to cope with his angry tone on the phone.I have asked for some friendly calls not talking money or such but just sociable.Don't know if it will work,maybe nothing will work in his obsession.He has lost friends and some family through it. Any suggestions from your experience will be welcome! Persist with your wife but gently,wee notes, love letters,thoughtful touches can say so much I think. toots

Well Guys,you still don't see it do you? Here are some bullet points. User's guide( for those who have used and abused others) 1.You still wish to be in control. You must learn to give up the need to control outcome for yourself.respect others wishes. 2. You want just what YOU want. You must learn humility and be willing to sacrifice your desires for others,compromise honestly. 3.You do not respect your wife's feelings/wishes in this situation You must defer to her,be led by her,without pressure from you. 4.You are preoccupied with your own happiness. None of us has a right to happiness ,it is something we work for from what we get. 5.You deny your responsibility for choices.Denial gives you self-justification. The other woman is just ,that not a demon lover or witch,you knew what you were getting into and you jumped. 6.You still revel in the excitment and melodrama of it all,the big public mea culpa and breast beating, Put your wife and children first,be humble, retiring,calm and listen,take in,not tell and demand. 7.You still think of yourself first. Listen to your wife and others,read about repentance and be there for her ,in the background if she needs you,whether or not she comes back. 8.You want back to your wife Accept your wife is not the same woman,nor you the same man. Examine yourself,seek help or counselling to work out who you are and where you want to see yourself going. 9.You want your marriage back. There is no old relationship,you destroyed it. Talk humbly with your wife.If she will accept it you may be able in time,to start to court her again on her terms.She may find a new love for you if you are lucky,but if not you must accept that too without resentment or self-pity. 10.You want to be accepted and that means trusted. You destroyed the most precious trust you had,that of your wife and children.You must be clear that you need to prove patiently and openly at each stage that you are trustworthy,never fail again,and be willing to show this by complete openness and co-operation ,showing phone messages,letters,etc ,having no secrets. You both have a lot of hard work to do.Good luck. toots

Hey most of your replies are from men.women see things differently.Most women would like an apology if an ex has been mean to them.It does not mean she will reply but it may mean she feels better about herself and you...a good outcome.She may even reply,there is nothing to lose .You don't have to grovel but a friendly sincere "I'm sorry "can help heal many wounds in time. toots

I agree with the others.I feel you are addicted to the selfish excitement and thrill of your illicit liason,while happy to keep your loyal wife as dupe and back up. You are neither truly repentant nor aware of what your wife and family must have suffered and gone through so you could have your fun,adoring mistress and a nice home too.You are bored and sad to lose the power ,thrill,and cake eating situation you were in and are not willing to feel any of the pain your wife must have lived with for so long. It seems like" hurry up,let me back now,and I'll be a good boy" is your cry. I hope she is wise in her decision You owe Her a lifetime of remorse and what you did to her for your own selfish pleasure cannot be forgiven. You could have chosen to be honest and confess and break with her if you are to go on,or to move away from the affair, but you wanted it all while you watched her suffer.This helpless puppet excuse cuts no ice.You did what you wanted nothing more. Please grow up,be a responsible father who puts his family first and does what he knows is right.who gives a moral lead to his children,not decieves and betrays and cheats,teaching them the worst side of any relationship. toots

Hi ebola, Thinking of you.go to your doctor now! Give the tablets time to work.Is there anyone can stay with you for a bit? If not try to talk to someone every day,don't shut yourself away. Yogurts and mashed bananas were all I could eat at first,try to do this to line your stomach and get some energy.Bananas are a natural boost for the mood with selenium in them. This will get easier and you will enjoy your life and children again,give yourself some time,do not sacrifice yourself for him. take care ,Toots

Hi Trish, Well quite a thread I read them all.It is interesting how the subconscious tries to cope and express itself. My dreams were mainly I would say ,wish fulfillment dreams accepting reality. The first, near the start was of the back door opening and my Husb.walking in,coming up to me and saying..".its all a mistake I do love you ..I want to come back." and taking me in his arms and hugging me.At this point I woke up..and was very sad! The second was of both of us in bed together..starting to make love,but I felt something was wrong and then I woke up. The third was bizarre.My H. was sitting on the floor stripped to the waist.He held out his arms and I went to him and put my face in his shoulder.Then it pulled back to me looking at a face on his shoulder which was grimaceing as he tried to hold me,and again I knew something was wrong and pulled away,saying "this is not right you are not here with me." Weird!The oddest thing though was last weekend,and not a dream. I was upset as My husb had seemingly ignored our youngest son's 25 th birthday.I had emailed him that evening reminding him.I also had not got the maintenance paid into my account,it was 3 days late. The next day I was despairing as he also had not contacted older son for a month.I was looking out the window in deep sadness at our happy family being reduced to this,when a voice in my head said.."have faith". That evening late my husb emailed to say he had gone unannounced to son and given him birthday cheque,and that the money was on its way to my account. I felt great! I emailed him later about contacting oldest son and he did this too though not without protest. I felt justified as both sons had been so down over the split and loss of contact. That was when I phoned to try to reestablish contact....big mistake. We live and learn.He is too defensive and hostile. Any comments or reinterpretation welcomed! Thank you, Toots

Hi Trish, Just a quick reply as I am going out to son's birthday meal. I think your letter is amazing,and it is very sad he could not cope with it in his fog of repressed emotion. I see what you mean,I will not send anything now as I know he will just react with anger no matter what I send. I will write to you again to discuss dreams as I also have had several very vivid dreams. Till later,best wishes Toots

Thank you for your post, Yes,he has no sensitivity at all to me,this man who used to be so caring and tender. Well I have had a great 9 mile walk,in glorious sun for December! Feel fit and better for it! My horoscope says I will have a good breakthrough with money,and romance from an unusual direction,so who knows! ( Who am I trying to kid!) I do feel a bit guilty though.One of the healing techniques is to visualise the inner pain ,make it in your mind into a solid object,wrap,it in gift wrap,tie with abow and mentally send it back to him! In the two weeks I have been practicing this ,which I do find effective,all sorts of nasty feelings have been headed for him.Then I learn for these two weeks he has had a throat infection and this week a bad cold....Hmmmmmm? The power of the mind? Or coincidence? Has anyone found sending a letter any good? I write them but don't send them.I was thinking of a farewell to our marriage letter.It may just infuriate him,every thing I do now does.It would have all the good things of our lives together,which he wants to forget and deny. Toots

i really appreciate your helpful and supportive posts.I know you are right,I will heal in time.I am feeling it easier some days. everything reminds me of him,so I just have to accept that and get on with it, Yes I have done the skipping through the house naked,much better with the slim me! I am going out most nights or doing something, as when I just sit I get to obsessing about things. I will try to keep up the N/C as I have healed better when I have little contact.Any contact just puts salt in the wounds,I keep looking for the man I knew and finding a hostile deceitful stranger. He must be in there,being nice to her and others,but not for me. He has been unwell,cold and throat infection I believe while I am fit and well. So some justice. Again thank you all!. Cheers Toots

Hi folks, Just looking for some TLC and support or advice.My great husband,soulmate for so long,married 33 yrs, has left me for another woman,a member of his staff he just promoted.Living with her for 4 months now. We were so close but sex probs for him lately.I also low due to death of mother and close friend, and harassment at work. Well I know its over,but it hurts so much.I am doing all the good things.Exercise,swimming ,gym, joined walking club,out with female friends,inviting friends for meals.Looking after myself.I look good lost 20 lbs,new hair style,etc,look years younger according to friends.I am 58,not likely to meet anyone new now. I put a face on. but miss him like I've been disembowelled,heart torn out, mood up and down. Eating and sleeping better,so progress there. I can't get away from the hope to get him back.Got book to help heal etc but still love him so much I am preoccupied with him.Work does help but at times so hard. I had tried NC but still negotiating settlement so emails, and I gave way yesterday and phoned as he was losing touch with sons etc.At least that was my excuse. He was so hostile in his voice, as he has been since break-up.Still he said I could phone to discuss. I have now changed my mind as I cannot cope with his anger at me because he feels so guilty.His sis says she thinks he feels I impinge on his new life ,due to his guilt spoiling things,and that is why he is mad.I hardly contact at all but can be a bit critical,so I suppose that is why.He has been quite thoughtless and cruel at times and I feel I need to reply. However this just makes for anger all round and pushes him away even more. I will not get in touch,despite asking I think, and try NC till he is in touch over money,keep it minimal. Any comments please, I will be so grateful as I feel my mood swing from one extreme to the other and don't trust my own judgement now.I change my mind so much. Thank you, toots