lisaria

Hey Pepsi, I'm sorry it's so stressful for you today. Hold your chin up hon, it will be ok. If you aren't ready to talk to him then don't. Wait a while. Nothing says you have to do it right away just because he txed you. Wait until you are ready. You'll feel better, have your wits about you better. Just wait a few hours, if you have to. It will be OK. Lisa

I wish I had found this site three months ago. God! Things would be so much different now. You have lots of wisdom in that post Dopestar. Well done!

Hey healing, Thank you. You are right. He is spreading lies and he lied to me, cheated on me. What kind of person is that? Not a very moral one. I deserve and want someone that is better than that. We all deserve better. I know I have a long way to go, but I've been a long way already. I got knocked down earlier this week and I was very weak and wishy washy too, but I came through it. I did not contact him and I'm so very glad now. To have contacted him and if he had been cold or even ignored me would have taken me back to the very beginning. I am not ready for that. I may eventually contact him (I do want to know how his son is), but it will be when I can handle anything he may want to throw at me and that is certainly not now. I remember not long after I had found out about his other g/f, we were sitting around with his baby, A. The phone rang, when A answered and handed it to him, the son said "it's your other g/f". It was a telemarketer or something. He's only 6 for pete's sake. His dad kept saying "I don't have another g/f". He just seemed so sincere that I believed him. Stupid huh? But I wanted things to work out so bad. What is that to teach your son? It's ok to lie? It's ok to cheat? Why would I want to be with him? Even though he was the best thing at the beginning. He changed and not for the good. Actually he was probably like that all along, just hid it better at first or I just ignored it better. No, he did treat me like a queen and he acted so happy just to be with me. I wish it had never changed. We remarked on how people just smiled at us we acted so in love. Ok, I didn't act, maybe he did. Anyway. Lisa

Mr. Good Man, Oh my my my!!! You've described my ex to a tee. I usually like the men who are tall. I am tall, so it seemed natural to me. The ex was very good looking, always women waiting in the wings. Potential. He got a promotion just a few weeks after we split. The s-o-b. Funny? One of the most funniest men I've ever met. We always were laughing and joking about something. In the beginning anyway. Exciting? Oh very. I can't tell you how exciting he was. I can't find the words. There was no one else like him. I am afraid I will never find anyone that makes me feel like he did. I know there is some word for that, but I'm not sure what it is. I just know it's sad and it hurts and it's scary. What if I never have anyone that will make me feel as alive as he did? I don't want to go through life as if I'm only half-alive. But Mr. Goodman, you've described my ex to a tee. Now what? Lisa

Hey everybody, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You all made me stop and think. I did not call him or email him. I am feeling so much stronger today. I was hurting earlier, but now ok...there is still a dull ache, but it's subsiding. Thank you. I am not strong enough to contact him, kip. But when I get ready (if I ever do) I'm coming to you for back up. Deb, thanks for your support. I have ordered the Women who love too much book. Should get it next week. You are right and I knew it, just suppressed it or something the last few days. He cheated. I didn't. I wanted to work on things, he chose a different way to handle it. The immature, lowlife, scumbag way to handle our problems. I just have a problem with remembering the bad things right now. Even though he is still lying I remember the good things about him and the bad things don't seem so bad. Sheesh!!! What does it take? I have to get strong enough to not ever let him have any kind of power over me ever again. I have to keep it and use it for me and mine to be the best we can be. princesa, I don't know what's best right now. At least not for me, I can give out the advice, just not strong enough to trust it for me. When I'm weak anyway, and boy! was I was weak this week. But not today. I feel able to get through it once again. I don't know when or even if I'll be blindsided by him or his actions again. I do know that I love him, probably always will. We all loved our exes, but that's not enough, is it? It takes two in a relationship and I guess, most of us didn't have that. But thanks to this site, we all know we've got someone out there to give us a hand up. Someone who knows what we're going through and willing to be here for us. Thank you to all out there who took the time to help me. You are all special people. We are strong enough to get through this! And for those who are reading this....hang in there everybody, we all deserve better and eventually we will get it. Lisa

Hey traces, I am sure you've seen this before but it's true. This guy has the best of it. He's got you and he's got her. He gets tired of her for awhile and he goes to you. Gets tired of you and he goes to her. What kind of relationship is that for you? It's great for him but really lousy for you! Get out sweetey. Don't let him use you like that. He says he doesn't want to make a mistake by leaving her when there "might" be something there? What the crap is that? Where does that leave you??? How long are you going to wait around for him to make up his mind? Come on girl! You know what you need to do. It will not be easy. We all know that. But do it anyway. You have to for your own self-respect and peace of mind. He's got his cake and eating it too. Don't do that anymore. Are you guys living together or anything? Do you feel like you owe him something for buying your ticket home? If so, then work a second job until you pay it off. Do that for yourself, not him. Do the no contact thing too. Show him how strong you can be. You don't need him. He seems to think he's got you where he wants you, show him he don't. You have to take back control of your life and quit waiting for him to make the decisions. Sure you'll have bad days, I've had bad weeks, where you want him so bad it hurts your whole body and soul. But get through those without contacting him and you'll be proud of yourself. At least for a while, a month or more. What else is there to do that would be best for you? Not him. YOU. I really hope you feel better soon. It's the hardest thing you'll do, but it will make you stronger. You'll get through it and learn the lesson you need to and move on to something better. If he wakes up and realizes he wants you then all the better for you, but if not, you'll know you can make it on your own and there is something better out there for you. You are stronger than you think and remember hon, You are WOMAN!!! Stand tall and proud. Don't give him any of your power. Hang in there. If you need to rant come on up here. We are all going through or have been through where you are now. Sometimes it helps others when we do that, so do it. It has helped me tremendously, and the people up here are very caring and will be there for you. No matter what you decide to do. I wish you all the best. Lisa

kipster, it's kind of funny that you mentioned the mars and venus book. I gave him my copy to read when we first started getting serious. We joked about it. I guess it didn't help any.

Hey Leona, I'm sorry you are going through this because of some sob's selfishness. I am a little like you in that my ex also cheated and lied. I've had a hard time getting past this and still would take him back in an instant if he wanted that (I think). But he hasn't made the effort and I'm not sure if I want to yet. Anyway, that's another story....I also sometimes think that I wish I had never said anything when I found out he was cheating the first time because we'd maybe still be together, but I can't do that. You shouldn't have to do that either. But that's over now. The thing to do is to only think of yourself now. You must not concentrate on him. He lied and cheated not only to you, but to his kids too. My ex had a wonderful little boy that I absolutely love, but I've not heard a word about him since we split Superbowl weekend. I sent him a b'day card last month but heard nothing. I hope he got it. The kids get comfortable with you, they accept you, maybe love you and then he does that. He did it to them also. I have a hard time accepting this of my ex, but it's true. So he hurts us and them. Why? I can't figure that one out. My ex was probably the most charming and fun-loving man you will ever meet. Always women waiting in the wings to be with him. He is just that kind of guy. Sounds like your's too. Are they narcissists? I'm not sure. Mine has characteristics of that, but also of co-dependency traits. Where does that leave me? Unhealthy. I'm working on it though. You have to pick yourself up and go forward. If it's only going for a walk this afternoon. Be strong. Move. Exercise. And don't contact him yet. Wait. See how you feel later on. At least a month of no contact. Heal during that time. Work on yourself. Think of yourself. I know how hard that is. You will have up days and down days. The thing to do is get through those down days anyway you can. Take it one minute at a time and remember that it won't last. You must stay strong. Do not let him see you cry. Fake it till you make it (as Dr. Phil says). If you run into him act like you're the happiest person on earth. He's not bothering you, even though you feel like you're dying inside, never let him see that. I am sorry this is happening to another person. If you need to yell and rant do it up here or find some friends that will sympathize with you. Talk about to them or us. We are always here. Lisa

Hey people, I am grateful for all of your advice and it helps me to hear both sides of this. I am very confused and scared to do anything right now. Kip, I agree with you. And deb, I agree with you too. princesa, I also think what you had to say was right. He cheated, he lied. There were ouside circumstances that contributed to the whole thing going down the drain. His ex-wife playing headgames. My insecurities showing up, my b!t$hiness showing up too. I tried and I think that he did too. Of course, my mom calling him and explaining her take on the situation and telling him how wrong he was for leading me on and what goes around comes around didn't help any either. (I wanted to fall through the floor when he told me about that). But the thing is he didn't have to do it. Like I've said he made that choice. We all have choices and that was his. I could have made the choice to live with it and have him around, but I have too much self-respect to share any man with another woman. I wish sometimes I had kept silent, but I could not do that. The last fight we had, I started because he was being very distant that night. The same way he acted before I found out about the other woman. I automatically assumed he was thinking of someone else. The trust issue rose it's dirty little head barely a month after we decided to work it out. He swore he wasn't interested in anyone else and maybe he wasn't and he had said he didn't feel very well. I just automatically assumed it had to be someone else. There you go, the trust issue again. I tried to explain the next day (Superbowl Sunday), and how the trust would not come back overnight that we had to work on it. By then I think he had made up his mind that he didn't want to work on it. He had the phone call from his "ex-wife" or so he said, I know it wasn't though. It was someone else female. He didn't want me near him, sitting with him, touching him, didn't want to make love. He had already gotten in contact with whoever he wanted then. I do believe that. If he did it before Saturday night I don't know. It kills me to know that maybe he really had not then because then the breakup would have been finalized by my actions. It had started with his and I just finished it I guess. I loved him so much and I guess I still do. I never told him. That kind of kills me too. Maybe if I had it would have been better, I don't know. I do know that if you love someone then tell them. At first I was glad I had never told him, pride you know. But now I wish that I had. mlchildr, I'm sorry that you are going through this too. pepsi, I will get through it also, I do know that I had a life before him and I'll have one without him, I just want him in it. If it's not meant to be then it won't happen. Why is there so much cheating and lying going on? So many wounded people like us, healing slowly and wondering what ifs. I wrote an email yesterday to him, but of course didn't send it. It was pretty upbeat, just telling him about how things were and what I was up to. You would have been proud guys. I saved it in my drafts and who knows? Maybe I'll send it today or tomorrow. Or never. I don't have to decide that now, but I am so very afraid that he will ignore me. I am scared to talk to him on the phone because I know he would hear the nervousness in my voice and that would mean I would have too much to lose if it means that much to me right now. Do you guys think that maybe he does still have a spark for me that can be flamed again? I just don't know anything about what is really going on with his life. What if it is just pride holding us back? I know that if I don't contact him I will always regret it. Of course, if I contact him now I could get very hurt again. I am definitely not strong enough right now. But I will be one day and hopefully soon and then I may just throw my pride to the wind. I'll just get through the next minute, hour, and day until I am healed. I will definitely do it with my head this time, if I can figure out how to do that. I seem to be very emotionally oriented when it comes to him. How do you start thinking with your head and not your heart if you aren't made that way? Thanks guys for all of your input and advice. I am so glad you are all here. Lisa

Hey Deb, I think you are much stronger than you think you are. Just by your actions you've proven how more together you are than you give yourself credit for. I'm very proud of you. I was like you before my ex and I got together. I had it all together. I was free, independent, looking good, capable, strong, and so much better off. I will....WE will be there again. I have my fantasies of how things should have been and the reality just sucks. I don't know what to do with these dreams I had that still make me want him. I had made alot of progress that seems to have been thrown out the window this week, but I'll be there again. You sound like you are already halfway there deb and I admire you for that. It is and was so hard but you are coming through it with flying colors. Keep it up. Lisa

Hey Kipster, You make me want to try contacting him again. I would love to try and get him back, but I'm afraid that I would be rejected again. I could not go through that again. I have to hang onto that small shred of pride I still have. He's with someone anyhow. As far as I know it's the same one he was on the phone with Superbowl Sunday. It's been three months and I am not sure it's been long enough to start emailing him again. I figure I'll give it another month or two and then I'll probably come up here and ask everybody what they think. I know this will sound conniving, but I read that at about the fourth month mark is when people start noticing the flaws in their new loves, so I am hoping by then he'll be noticing his new one's faults. Then she'll be hurt, but right now I don't care. She should not have messed with him. He was with me. I know it was his choice to do walk away from me, but maybe it wouldn't have seemed so easy if she had not been waiting. Sigh. I'm just venting I think. I doubt she even knew about me...or did she and she just didn't care? But maybe by the time I think about emailing him again it won't matter because I won't care, I hope to be at that stage by then. Sigh. But Kip, I have thought about what you've said and it does make me believe that maybe he did care and still does. Crap! Why did he cheat and lie then? Maybe one day I'll be able to ask him. Lisa

WOW DEB!!! I am so proud of you!!!! I think you handled that so well and that you've certainly got his attention. He will either decide it's not worth it or he will be so intrigued and worried that you are moving on that you will not be able to get rid of him. Like tiger_lillies said, we all wait and wish for that phone call like the one you got. I just hope I will be as cool as you were if it ever comes for me. You did good. "hugs" Lisa

Hello to ya'll, Thank you so much for the advice guys and gals. I am at a pretty low spot tonite, trying to hide it so my daughter won't know. I got up here and saw the posts from you guys and it makes me cry. I wish you were right Kipster and that he did still care about me because I do love him still. It is the "old" him that I want back and the dreams and promises that he made. If things could be like they were in the beginning, I'd take him back in a flat second. But it's not going to happen. I know everyone would think I was out of my mind if I did take him back. Like I said though, it will not happen. Healing, I think you are right and he is trying to save face which proves that he really didn't love me because if he did love me he wouldn't hurt me like that. You know, I really thought I had been making progress this past week. I had a date Saturday night with a very nice fella, had a good time. I was feeling like I was going to get past this. Then this and it has brought all of that hurt back up. I feel like I'm on a thin wire above Niagara Falls (where we went on a vacation), and I'm barely hanging on. Like a train is coming without it's headlight on in a dark tunnel and I can't see it. What will throw me back the next time? I was doing pretty good. How long will this go on? Princesa, thank you for staying up to write your post. I guess I wrote those words when I was feeling a little stronger. I wish I still did. But I'm pouring my heart out to you guys. My own words coming back to haunt me. I wish I could feel so strong all of the time and not get blindsided just by hearing about what he says. I don't know, I guess I just wasn't expecting to hear that he was saying unkind things about me. And how unrealistic is that? I feel like I'm living in a timewarp where nothing is right and everything is stuck in a waiting mode. I know I'm not just waiting for him to come back. I am getting out there and doing things, but my heart keeps saying he's coming back, so I'm waiting somewhere in limbo half of the time. I don't think I bring it out too much and look at it because my head says it's stupid. He's NOT coming back. kuhl, my friend, I hope memory is on my side, but living in such a small town, I am probably the main topic of conversation right now. You are right, they will forget. Something else will come along and I just have to hold my head up and keep going. I'm just tired of all of it. I was doing better, nearly there I thought. Now this. Deb, I'm going to see if I can't get a copy of that book, women who love too much. Just the name says that's for me. I feel like I do love too much. Him especially and it can't be healthy. Not after what he did. No matter how charming, fun, or how many promises he made. He's not worth it. I have to remember that. I have to be strong. I don't know if I will email him or not, but I will write one and save it to my drafts (along with all of the other ones), so I can get rid of some of my thoughts. I may send it later when I feel stronger again. Right now I just have to get through the next day or two. Thank you guys for being here. Lisa

Hey all, Short recap--My ex and I split on Superbowl weekend. Few emails later, one phone call (from me), Nothing. Saw him at the gym, HI and that's been it. I've heard through a mutual friend that he's telling everyone that he dumped me. I guess he forgot to mention the cheating he did and the lying and how I said I'd had enough. I think it's the fact that he's lying again about me that really gets to me, making it sound like it was me that ruined our relationship. Telling people who I run into occasionally. People I have to deal with sometimes. I want to run a full page ad in the newspaper and tell everyone he's lying. It wasn't my fault!!!! I know what I did wrong, and I tell my part if anybody asks, why can't he? I just felt like I have taken 100 steps back on the road to healing. I was finally getting better and now this. It's like he's right back in my face. I've wanted to cry all day long and I can't understand why he's doing this. I was actually thinking about emailing him and telling him I forgive him for hurting me like he did. I was thinking really hard about that and now this. I think it's God's way of telling me to let him go completely. How could I ever have anymore feelings for someone who lies so much? About me. But it hurts. Once again I've let him get to me. How do you stop? What should I do? Should I email him and tell him what a scumbag he is? Ask him why he's doing it? Ignore it? What would you do in this situation? Help please!!! Lisa

I have to agree with FreeAgain. I think the dumper is much more likely to be in a relationship much earlier than the dumpee. They have been thinking about it probably for weeks. They don't have to get up off the floor after feeling like their insides have been kicked out, after hearing good bye for the final time. They've planned it. They are already healing or whatever it is they do. They are ready to party and play.

Hey judge, I really liked your advice. It makes sense to me, but unfortunately I can't use it. Whenever I get myself off I think of him and that just makes me feel worse. Which is bad since I miss it so much and I really enjoy it. Sigh. But I'm going to remember your little poem and smile when I think of it. Thanks. Lisa

Hey JT, Don't give up. It seems like there is nothing to get up for in the mornings, but there is. Giving up is one of the most selfish things you can do. Think about the people that do love and care about you. The weekends are always the worst. Today I feel so down. Sunday is Mother's Day and he'll be with his new g/f and I'm sure he'll make it a special day for her. I've been fighting tears all day long. It makes me sick to think of that but I keep thinking about it anyways. I'm fighting it. You've got to fight it too. It will be one of the hardest things for you to do, but I know that you will. You can do it. Find something to keep you busy. I'm learning Tarot, going to the gym, reading and playing on my comp. You pick up something that you are interested in but never followed. Do it now. Also exercise. It will make you feel so much better. And if you can do it at a gym it's even better. You are out around people. Stay busy. We are all here for you. Stay strong. Lisa

Hey drago, Yep. Everyone of those feelings have been through my body and my mind. The loving him one minute and hating him the next. The doubts. I should have done this, I should have done that. The one that was really illogical and a betrayal to who I am was the one that said "I wish I had not said anything about his cheating after I found out because then we'd still be together." Makes alot of sense, huh? The sex was always great and I miss that really really bad. I felt really unattractive for a while there and wondered what was wrong with me that he would have to find someone else. But the thing that you have to remember is that you are who you are and they are who they are. No matter what happened they do not have to make the choice to leave just because you reach a bumpy spot in the road. Mine made the choice to cheat and lie, I didn't. It was their choices that put us where we are today. We have to take back the power we gave to them and make ourselves better. Just the fact that we are living through this makes us better and wiser. Some minutes I feel like I know I'll do so much better the next time and then the next I feel like I will never have anyone else. It's some sort of cycle that we go through. I am just sooo ready for someone else to help me get over this. He is with someone, why shouldn't I be? And there's a small part of me that wants him to see me happy with someone so he'll see what he's missing and come crawling back. Of course, that really wouldn't happen since he's been happy with his new g/f ever since before we split. Anyway, drago, keep moving. You'll get through this and wake up one day and realize she's not the first thing you thought about. It just seems to take so damned long. Lisa

Hey guys, I don't know if the no contact works or not when it comes to getting back together. It hasn't worked for me and it's been 2 months since the last email. Asia, we were going to be together "forever" too and he also cheated on me. He's still with her as far as I know. I wonder everyday. I think about calling or emailing but so far I've been strong and resisted. After 5 months, is it any easier? There's always the thought in the back of my mind that he's going to contact me because we really were meant to be together and it had never, ever felt so right. Anyway, does it really work, cuz' I sure don't know. Lisa

Hey wandering, I have to tell you that your story made me so mad Why do people treat other people like that? Your story reminded me of mine just a little. The fact that they think they can keep you and me hanging on while they go off and have their flings and then expect us not to say anything? Why? What makes them think their crap is so darned great that we will just put up with anything as long as they are there??? (I'm really cleaning this up, I would love to use the words in my head, but then this would probably never get on the board) I did that until I just couldn't anymore. I have more self respect than that. Yes, I did a few things I'm not proud of too. I messed with his email and his passwords and emailed his latest fling, told her to leave him alone. But then I had "invaded his privacy" when I did that. To h#ll with the fact that he had invaded my heart with his lies and his cheating. It didn't matter that he had hurt me and led me on and promised me all kinds of things. Me and his kids and mine. That didn't matter. How dare he!!! How dare your ex do that to you!!!!! I was just like you. I couldn't eat, I lost 20 lbs over Christmas, I usually put on that much. I look pretty good, but what a way to do it. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate. I looked like h%ll and felt even worse. Work was awful. I didn't want to get out of bed. I cried and cried and screamed and screamed and cried some more. I punched my pillows and kicked the mattress until I just couldn't stand it. Then i would take something and sleep and do it all over again. Weekends I never even got out of my pajamas or the bedroom. Your ex and mine do not know what the word relationship means. How dare he say that to you? You were seeing him regularly, sleeping with him, sharing your life with him. What did he call it? Oh, let me guess....friends? How many of his friends does he sleep with? That really gets me. My ex always liked being the center of attention too. He was super fun to be with. I wonder if that is why I can't let it go. I'm shy and quiet, he was funny and always talking, telling a story about anything that went on in his day. He could make the smallest thing interesting. Very charming. I'm a little better now. Then after Christmas, I gave him another chance and he did it again. I've not seen him since Superbowl Sunday, except for two seconds at the gym which I don't count. Yeah, we split that weekend too. The sad thing though, is that I still check my caller id to see if he called when I come home. Every time I check my email, my stomach knots up because I think that "Maybe this time I'll have a msg. from him" Geesh. How long is that going to go on? It's been three months for God's sake. Wandering, keep your self respect girl. Don't contact him. I still have weak moments, hell weak days, when I want to contact him. I want to have something from him, if it's only a two word email. I just want to know that he remembers me, that I meant something to him. He meant so much to me and I meant so little to him. That part really hurts. I hope you move on quickly. Don't hang on like I have. Don't hang on to the good times, remember the lousy ones and how bad he treated you. At least in the beginning. It will help you not contact him. I really think that if you were to become "friends" again that he would use you again. And hurt you again. Don't give him that opportunity. Be strong. You don't need someone like that in your life. Look at the headgames he played. He made you think there was something there (just like my ex) when he just wanted to use you. Don't give him that honor again. He's not good enough. I hope I haven't been too harsh, but he sounds unbelievably like my ex. The lies, headgames, cheating and yet you would take him back and unfortunately I would take mine back too. I think. But be strong and don't let him back him. It would only hurt more. Take care. We are here for you. Lisa

Hey Rock

Hey Scout, my sister said my standards were too high. I think that's hilarious. The jerks I've dated and my standards are too high???? Just look at the last one. Rock, I too am building a different life and while it doesn't quite feel comfortable yet either, I know that given time it will. L

Hey feeling_blue, I agree with GeeCee, that was a cold thing for him to do. I kinda sorta did the same thing only I took the chicken way out I called when I knew he wasn't home and left a msg. asking him to lunch in two days. He finally emails me the day after and he was so cold. It hurt. But things were going great for him. New promotion, big raise, new g/f. The moron. Two steps forward and one giant step back. But anyway....you had a weak moment. It happens to all of us. I had one a few days ago and it's not the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last one either. But when you have a weak moment get up here and write it out of your system. We are all going through the same thing or we've been through it and it helps knowing that we don't have to be alone in this. Something you write may help someone else. I think that is one reason why we come back here again and again. It does help. You haven't been begging and pleading for him to come back to you and that's very good. Be proud of that. You had a weak moment, so what. He obviously is an idiot and a rude one at that. You were being honest with him and he did that??? Tell him to get over himself. That shows you what kind of person he really is. And he doesn't sound very caring. Don't you want someone who will be better than that? You deserve someone better than that. You are stronger than you think and you will hold your head up high when you go into work on Monday and if you happen to see him, just smile and act like you're the happiest person on this planet. If afterwards you have to go into the bathroom and cry, then do it. As long as you never let him see you feeling down and weak again. Even if it's all show, he won't know that and maybe he'll wonder what it's about. This is a hard time for all of us but we are making it through one day at a time. We are all better people for this. Seems hard to believe right now, but we are. Hang in there. Lisa

Oops, I meant "Hey J_82" but at least I got the Heb right. I need more coffee.

Hey Happy, Like you, I seem to be on the receiving end of this little saying, but I think it's out of sight out of mind. Of course, I do have a rather jaded opinion of relationships right now. And Heb, you are right too. I think that most men cheat or want to when their SO is out of sight. Oops, sorry guys, not all of course. L