dragomirescu

Well, I really understand how you are feeling. I was also very mean with my gf when we broke up.

Hello everyone. I will not give you all the details of my breakup, because I want to ask you a different question. (To cut the story very very short, my gf broke up with me after a 1.5 yrs relationship and ended up dating someone else, a 'supportive' guy who was 'kind' to her when we had our troubles...of course I have my share of blame, like taking her for granted at times and speaking mean words to her when we broke up) You all heard or read about the classic stages following a loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I will share some of what I feel during this time, and tell me if you feel anything like it. - jealousy (i feel jealous because now she dates another guy and my life has become a total mess) - anger (sometimes I really hate her, but a few minutes later I love her) - even if I know there is no chance to get back together, I still fantasize about getting back, about her coming back begging (Yeeeah right) - guilt. At times, I feel really guilty, thinking it is all my fault, and then the 'what ifs' 'If I had only'...etc. - some days I have a lot of trouble getting myself motivated and all I would like to do is sitting in bed all day. - during the last part of our relationship, due to constant stress, fatigue, and arguments, I had lost interest in sex, or when we had it, it wasn't really great. Because of that, sometimes I feel myslef like a total failure, I feel ugly and unattractive. Did this ever happened to you? I mean, did you sex life decreased when you had bad times? - ok, there are days when I feel so confident, I see everything clear, I see a bright future for me, I am very confident that I will find another girl (a better one). But the next morning the cycle repeats.... -mmmm... let me think, what else do I feel?...We haven't seen each other for 3 months (and don't want to see her soon) and when I feel so low, I imagine that she has a great life, great sex, with her new bf which of course is better than me (stupid isn't it???). I imagine that she healed faster than me, and I get so annoyed that I still have feelings for her. -at times, I think about her and she seems so breautiful, so charming, and the next thought that comes into my mind is : "Oh my God I lost her!!!. She was everithing I wanted and I blew it away. If I had been sexier, better dressed, better in bed, more supportive....etc. this wouldn't have happened" - well, the lack of self-esteem is obvious isn't it? Have you felt like this??? ...ok...let's continue, I hope you didn't get bored - sometimes I really hate her and I wish something bad to happened to her. For example, she was very preety, and she was very aware of that. And when I have feelings of hate toward her I wish her to get fat, ugly or something bad to happen to her so that she can see how it is to feel unattractive (...I'm not mean, but this is how I feel!!!) - and finally, sometimes I wish her all the best, I wish her a happy life. Well, these are some of the feelings I experienced. Of course they decreased in intensity but I still have them. What about yours?? When will they disappear?? Thank you.

Hello again everybody, especially you jetset and sorry for not posting for a while. The good part is that I'm feeling much better. It doesn't mean that I'm over it, and I still have that feeling in my stomach in the mornings (although less intense). But I started to see things more clearly, especially regarding my relationship patterns. I've been doing an analysis of all my relationships and I've discovered some interesting things about myself. (Here you can find a very interesting article on this issue: link removed) [a short break here: when i entered this link one word contained in it appeared as *beep*, replace this word with the reverse of sehctib - it seems like this forum does not allow bad words] Well, I hate to admit it but almost all my relationships ended badly, and (except two cases) I always got dumped. Another problem for me is that I tend to choose the 'challenge' type of girl (my last girlfriend falls into this cathegory too). You know that type of girl that you like when you see her, but she gets more beautiful and more interesting when another guy comes into action? That was exactly what happened in my case. But there are other mistakes I tend to overlook, that sooner or later affected my relationships. I always put too much emphasis on looks rather than character. Don't get that I date girls only for their body and sex, what I want to say is that the way a girls looks is important to me, that's why I ovelook other aspects of her. My last girlfirend was indeed very beautiful, but there were some differences between us. For example, we didn't like the same kind of music, our educational backgrounds were different so in this area there weren't many things to discuss....etc. So, after a closer examination of our relationship from my part, I can honestly say that the main things that drove us apart was the lack of many common interests. In the beginning was the euforic stage of infatuation, then followed the sex, and at that time everything seemed perfect. But later I realised that we were somehow different, and along the way I started to develop some doubts. Of course, I said to myself that this is normal, after the euforic stage every couple passes through these moments when the newness fades, but for me this developed into an uneasiness and a feeling that something is wrong. Of course most of the time I felt great, but during the last months these feelings increased in intensity. The result was an endless cycle of arguments, a constant fatigue for me, bad sex and a low self-esteem. As I later found out she was already seeings somebodyelse before we broke up, so what I took as a shock at that time was no surprise for her. Well, the story is much more complex that this, but I can cleary start to see were I made my mistakes in the first place and begin to understand that the mistakes that followed were triggered by these first mistakes and I start to forgive myself for what I did to cause the breakup. As I said before, I am sure that I'll still have good days and bad days because I still miss her and I'm a little jealous that she has a life that doesn't include me but these feelings decreased in intensity. Sometimes I'm scared a little, and I say to myself "Isn't all this happening too fast?". I read stories of people who even after 6 months couldn't recover and were very depressed, and I wonder if it is normal that after 2 months to realize that my relationship had started with major mistakes in the first place and to already feel better. Now maybe you say to yourselves "You'll get back into depression don't worry, it's all just a temporary relief", but in the last weeks my mood altered between these two states and I have to say that it never felt like in the last month. I started to see things in a different light, and I can cleary say that there is hope and that I'll find someone better. It's a scarry process, cause in my heart I know that I started to let go and somehow there will be no chance to go back when this happens (stupid isn't it?) but I also know that I really really have to LET GO and to get on with my own life. Anyway, if something different will happen I'll let you know. Now we have our Easter holiday, and I'll go home for about two weeks. I'll surely run into some of our common friends, her family or (I hope not) her. I am very curious how my heart will react. Again, thank you all for your support!

Well, I think things will get a bit rough for me for a while. If you read my previous posts you probably know about my 'suffering pattern' - feeling horrible in the morning, better in the evenings - but now it's getting worse. After long strugle in my head I think I finally accepted that she'll not come back and sunk into depression. I feel so low...I lost interest in everything. I am aware I have to get better but the feeling of hoplessness is to strong. I don't feel like eating, I lost interest in school, I really don't care what happens tomorrow. I can sleep but I always get up with her in my mind. It's evening now, and I tought I should have felt better but I'm very depressed, I feel guilty and have no clue how to overcome the whole situation. On the 2nd of April there will be 2 months since we broke up. I feel really really low...Although I know it's stupid, my heart tells me that I'll never find anyone like her, that she was so perfect...bla bla. How can I overcome this? Did this happened to you? How long did it last? How did you cope with it? I am left with no motivation at all. Today I sat all day long in my bed feeling miserable. I felt better a few days ago, I had a ray of hope, now the tunnel seems to have no end... I even hate myself, I say "I am so weak, so hopeless, she was just a gril, she doesn't even love me, why can't I move on...?" What shall I do? I feel like nothing, I have lost interest in everthing... Please give me some advice, especially if you felt like this before. I hate to read the optimistic articles and the 12-step programs on the Internet over and over again. They seemed to help but now I can't stand them.

Thank you I really appreciate your support. Today I'm having a really really bad day. I went home (we were both attending universtities in different cities) and all the memories came back. All the places we've been, all the beautiful moments we shared, but also the bad ones, the things that I did to her, the rage that now she's with this other guy. I even took long walks in the town hoping just to see her. Why am I so stupid? Even now, after 2 months, I still have some moments when I fantasize about getting back. I know this is impossibile after all the things I said to her, especially that now she's dating this guy. I try to concentrate on myself, but sometimes all this feelings seem to engulf me. My situation is bleak becuause while we had a great relationship I did't make any new friends, and all my time was shared btw university classes and her. Now she has supportive friends and a boyfriend to go out with, she has a wonderful life while mine has become a total wreck. I know it's a mistake to cross-referrece out situations, but when I'm feeling miserable I can't help thinking what a mess my life has become. Before meeting her I was happy, enjoyed life, enjoyed little things, enjoyed everything. Now I get depressed quickly although I fight the toughts with all my power and I try to keep confident that one day all this shall pass. How I wish this pain to go away! If I were God or an angel or something I think the first thing I'd do for the mankind would be to instantly heal all the broken hearts. Every other problem in life can be more easly coped with than this one. What a torture! After reading a lot of posts here I strongly believe that finally I will be ok, I will forgive myself for my mistakes, and I'll learn a lot from this experience. Sometimes I even wonder: If this will certainly pass, then why do I torment myself? Yeahh....must me this greiveing process...at times I really hate it, especially when I go back to a stage I tought it passed. This morning I had the urge to call her and to smoke (We had no contact in 1.5 months and I quit smoking since we broke up and I swore to give up). Well now I'm so glad I didn't do (both of them). I would have felt more humiliated for having called her and my self estem would have gone even lower if I smoked. Sometimes life is so hard...so hard. Sometimes I hate her so much for causing me so much pain ...then I hate myself cause I know most of this pain comes from my actions.... I'm waiting for the evening to come, I hope to feel a little better! I'll keep you up with my situation, maybe that day will come when my post will describe that wonderful feeling of relief I heard some people talking about.. Again, thank you for your support!

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it, and I'm sure things would have been much worse for me if I hadn't found this forum. In general I feel better, but I have some moments when I don't know how to stop the toughts. My suffering pattern (if I can put it like this) is as follows: in the evenings I feel better that ever, I have this feeling of relief, I start to see things clearly, I forgive myself and her, and have a positive view of life. I then go to sleep and when I wake up I have this huge feeling of loss and emptyness inside me. I go to the university, try to focus on classes and get on with my life. But every day I have a period from about 15:00 to 19:00 when I feel completely miserable. Although I know I have to forgive myself I cannot stop thinking that If I had behaved differently she wouldn't have left. I start to regret all the bad things I said to her, all the messages I sent her. Then I get very angry because now she's with another guy and imagine them having a wonderful life while mine has taken a serious downhill. In those moments I see everthing bleak. I see myself with no self esteem, I feel ashamed for what I did, and don't even have the courage to ever see her. I am really tormented with toughts. Then I fight it with all my powers and surft the net and read some of my downloaded articles and start to feel better....then the cycle starts again. Well I have this pattern for 2 or 3 weeks and everytime it's the same. How can I make it stop. Why can't I keep the feeling of relief I get in the evening? For example while I'm writing this post I feel good and I think clear. But I know that when I'll wake up I'll start the same cycle and this tought scares me. How long will it last? How did you cope with the toughts? I mean what did you actually do to overcome them? For me, advices like 'just forget it' or 'stop thinking' don't work...

Hey man, I trully know what you are feeling. I've recently broke up with my girlfiend in preety much the same circumstances. If it will make you feel any better, please read what I did after my break up. I too was very angry when we broke up, so I lost my temper and said some bad things about her (this was over the phone). Then I sent her some messages with a lot of 'good ' words about her character. Atfer I started to cool off a bit, I realized that mostly it was my mistake because during our relationship I took her for granted and I think this drove her off. So here I was ....full of guilt and remorse. After a week I went home (we were both attending universities in different cities) and I met her. We had a discussion about what happened and decided to separate on decent terms (although she insisted that all the fault for the relationship was mine). But you know what??? Even after I appologized in this way it didn't make me feel better. Because somehow I knew that what I did to her will still be there in her heart. To make matters worse for me, I the wrote her an email in which I appologized for everything and I begged her to get back. Of course it didn't work. Ok, until now it doesn't sound preety good does it? But wait, you may think that I got my lesson and that I would stop contacting her. No. After a few days I couldn't resist and I called her. But on the other line was the voice of another man. He told me to leave her alone, because now he's her new boyfriend and she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Well, imagine how I felt, especially cause later I found out that this new guy had been playing the 'supportive' friend role while we were breaking up. So, being aware that now there was absolutely no way to get back I sent her a few other sms in which I poured my anger. (the bottom line of those messages was that she was ...so and so .....and she doesn't have any respect for herself). This was my last contact with her and I swore to GOD that this will be the last. Until now I kept my promise. Even now I have feelings of guilt and remorse and I feel bad for what I did to her, during and after the break up. But I learnt some important lessons: 1. I MUST forgive myself. This was my first love so I didn't have any experience at all. I hope that with my next love I will not do the same mistakes. But please try to understand that you will NEVER completely forgive yourself if you ask her for forgiveness. It's about YOUR soul, it's about YOUR heart, is's about YOU. Even if she will eventually say that she has forgiven you will always think this was not enough. 2. In this break up scenario, the NO CONTACT RULE IS A MUST. If you neglected and took her for granted (like I did) you chances to get her back are the same as trying to land an F-16 on the Everest. You may wonder why? Please remember that I don't have a lot of experience, but after reading almost all I could search on the Internet I found some interesting facts. Probably you've heard about the stages of a break up Denial, Anger/Resentment , Bargaining ,Depression, Acceptance. Well, now think of her. She was probably still very much in love with you when you started to take her for granted. You tought everyting was all right but for her it wasn't. She saw that change in attitude, but at first she choosed to ignore it thinking that probably it will pass (Denial). Then, since you didn't do anything to change she started to argue a lot, trying to get you see the problem and change you (Anger, Bargaining to get you back). When she saw the things aren't going the way she hoped she may have had a period of sadness (Depression). So now, the tricky part comes in to play. Finally you break up! But the BIG problem is that you didn't expect it, or even if you did you may have tought that the things will magically work themselves out. Of course they didn't. So now YOU are starting the cycle of grief that she had started long before. Now, do you see the difference??? If we refer to a MOVE ON SCALE from 1 to 10, you are at no. 1 while she may be at no 8 or 9. All she can do now is to feel sad about what you had and now is gone and finally go to the Acceptance stage. But you may be at the Denial or Anger stage, still wondering how can she leave me when she used to love me that much??? That's why men like you and me in this scenario find it hard to accept that women move on so fast and choose to date another guy. In fact they don't move on that fast, because they have started the process long before you were aware of it. I know it's not easy, but all you have to do now is to LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. Sooner or later you will find someone else and If you didn't learn anything from your previous relation you will end up doing the same thing: first, loving her like a crazy, than getting accustomed to the feeling, taking her for granted, neglecting her, and finally breaking up. So here you are again in the same SITUATION! Another mistake: DON'T rebound with the first girl that comes along. You are not completely healed and it's a safe bet to say that you'll date a below-average gril. Later you will find that maybe you deserved more that that, you will start to neglect her, taking her for granted ->>> Same SITUATION! You get the idea?Maybe i sound preety rough but don't think that i'm ok now and I give you this advices from the perspective of a healed man. No, we broke up on 2nd of February this year, and it still hurts like heal. I still have some moments when I regret what I did, I still feel the urge to contact her, but all I'll end up doing will humiliating myself even more, and still feeling bad about myself. SO the bottom line is : STOP CONTACTING HER! JUST STOP! She may have moved on with her life and all she sees now is a desperate trying to get her attention! (No offense, these words go for me too, since I broke up the rule so many times). Please find the strength to go on with you life and avoid her. How do you think she'll react when she hears that you are ok, you have moved on, maybe got a new girlfriend? Success is the BEST revenge, and I try daily to get this ideea in my head. Also, don't try this approach hoping to get her back. Don't pretend you are ok just for her to hear and that to come back. This may never happen. I repeat it's all about YOU. Because all you and me are doing now is a WASTE. A waiste of life, time, energy, you name it.... Is like we are blind from the truth. Deep down we know for sure that there is NO CHANCE to get back (and even if it were things will never be the same), but we still act like in the 2nd grade. I say we STOP! Do you really think this will be the only girl in your life? I started to think that will not. So what you are going to do about your next love? Repeating the same mistakes? Better not! Learn from them. Please read also all the other posts from this forum, even if it seems like you don't want since their situation doesn't resembles yours. You may have a lot learn! Ok, I hope you'll get better, and please keep me up to date with your situation and I'll inform you too. Please excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker. (By the way, did I tell you that during the first week of the break up I had thoughts of suicide? You see, your not worse that others.... ) KEEP HOPE ALIVE!!

Thank you for your advice. I feel much better when I see that somebody else has gone through the same pain. Also it is very helpful to talk to somebody, but more important is to talk to somebody who truly understands what I feel. When we first broke up, I talked to my family, my friends... They seemed to help, but after a while I think they got bored of all the situation and I started receiving advices like "Come on, there are so many fish in the sea", "Get on with your life" ...and other classics. If I think rationally, they are perfectly right, I have to go on with my life and of course there many other girls who will love me, but at the time being It offers little comfort. Regarding my currently stage, well I don't know what to tell you exactly. We broke up on 2nd of February. My emotions are quite complex: sometimes I feel guilty thinking that had I been more supportive all this wouldn't have happened, then I get very angry because if she had truly loved me she wouldn't have broken up with me. Sometimes I feel so much anger that I wish something bad to happen to her. I have moments when I feel reliefed, because deep down in my heart I know this was not the girl I wanted to marry. Sometimes I even put myself in her place, and I understand why she did it ..and I start to forgive her a bit....but then again comes the anger, the guilt, the acceptance.... So it seems that I am passing through all the stages of grief, but not in a certain order. I guess this is normal, and I hope that eventually it will pass. What I want to ask you is how do you feel after 5 months? What are your feelings? Do you still feel guilty? How did you overcome the whole situation? Thank you for your support and I'll keep you up to date with my situation!

Well, I won't ellaborate my story because I don't want to remember all the hurt, but I'll make a short summary (please excuse my English, I'm not a native speaker). I broke up with my gf 2 moths ago. It had become a long distance relationship, we had our ups and downs, it's true that sometimes I took it for granted and neglected her, and this was the primary reason for which she left me. We had a very bad break up, with angry words and all other stuff that made averything worse than ever. I also have to admit that it was mostly my fault...During the time of our break up she had a 'supportive' friend whom she ended up dating after we broke up. This almost drove me insane! I feel extremely depressed, I am full of guilt of remorse and whatif's.... My classes have taken a downhill, my financial situation is worse that ever...it's all so bleak. I am aware that eventually I will get better but now I really need some help. I think I read almost everything related to break ups that I could find on search engines. They helped in a certain mesaure, but I truly need something more ellaborate, like an ebook or something. So please, If anyone has one or has any ideea where I can find a free ebook for my situation please help me. My email is email removed

Hello to everyone in this forum. You've been very helpful to me and I hope someone will give some advice from now on too. My name is Dragos I live in Romania and I am 22. Here's my hearbreaking story. I had a 1 and 1/2 year relationship with this girl who was 3 years younger than me. At first everything was perfect, I loved her very much, we had some ups and downs but in general things were fine. We were in different cities but we were seeing each other every week. We agreed that at the end of the year she should take the university entrance exam and come in the same city as mine. We had a lot of hopes and dreams, we even planned to eventually get married. But at the end of the year something came up in the relationship. She didn't pass the exam, and the only solution left for her was to go for a semester in another city (still close to mine) and then try to transfer. Anyway, we accepted the situation but something changed for me. I wasn't very confident that things will work out and I think I started to neglect her. The things got even worse. We started the university (each of us in his/her town), but for me it was even harder to keep things like in the beginning. I was in my last year, I had to finish the university and I started to concentrate more on my studies. I also had a part-time job as a translator for a publishing house. But we were still seeing each other, we still cared for each other and made love. What I mean is not that I stopped loving her, but I concentrated more on what I had to do with my life. But she took this as a neglection, and on our last conversation she decided to break up the relationship. She said I'm not anymore the person I used to be, she doesn't feel the same way, and that now she has her own life there and it's better to break up. She also insisted that it was ALL my fault, that if i hadn't neglected her things wouldn't have been this way. I tried to explain her that I still love her, that she should understand my situation. She said she doesn't want that anymore, she got tired trying to make me see the truth. I have to mention that this conversation was on the phone, so when we spoke I got really mad, and I hate to admit it, but even when things got so bad I continued making mistakes. When I saw how cold she was I started to say some bad things to her, and even after I hang up I sent her some messages telling some 'good' things about her character. After a few days I went home and I accidentally met her. I apologized for what I said, and although I was tormented by the situation, I tried to stay calm and decided to break up as friends. She agreed, this being the last time I saw her. But the next day I started to have a lots of regrets, and whatifs and etc..So I continued making the stupidest mistake I could have made. I sent her an email telling how much I miss her, and how would I change if we get back. She sent me a reply saying that is too late now and each one shold go on with his life. I was devastated, full of remorse and didn't know what to do. I admit I made mistakes, during and after the relationship ended. But now I try to go on with my life and it feels like I'm going to die. It's been a week since out last contact, I read a lot about the No Contact rule, and I'm sure it's the best thing to do right now (If only I had then some of that knowledge!!!). But in Romanian we have a saying "HOPE DIES LAST!". I still love her very much, and although I am aware that we won't get back, I cannot stop thinking about us being together again. I read a lot of articles on the Internet about breakups and how to handle them, but I read only general things, I think you know that feeling that your relationship was unique and there must be a certain way to get back to you ex. Please give me some advice, or share with me any eperience that resembles mine. Should I go on with my life or should I hope sometimes she'll come back? If she does, what is the usual amount of time when girls come back? I want to mention that for both of us this was the "first love", (she was also virgin). Please help me!