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debisfun

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  1. debisfun
    Please pick up the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Your story could be one of the cast studies in the book. It will really help you understand why you put up with this guy and his abuse for all these years, and help you figure out what you need to do to move on and prevent doing the same thing in the future. It sounds like you went through hell. You will get through this. Good Luck.
  2. debisfun
    She's trying to rationalize her behaviour by saying she's under "stress". Honey, we are ALL under stress. That's called life. It really sounds like she is using you as a safety net....she wants to move on, but wants to have you around as well to make her feel wanted and loved. I'm not saying she is doing this to be intentionally malicious or hurtful. She may not realize her motivations. However, you need to take care of the most important person in your life, YOU! Protect yourself. You need to institute no contact in order to start the healing process. It will suck. It will hurt. You'll miss her and you will think that having her "on her terms" will be better than not having her at all. That's the addiction talking. But you CAN heal and move on. Good Luck.
  3. debisfun
    You didn't say how long it's been since the "break". If it's been a short time, I would say "NO" to dinner. Other than the fact that she is lonely and wants some fun, what has changed about her that makes you think she won't do this again in the near future? Maintain no contact.
  4. debisfun
    I strongly agree with everybody here. Returning the gifts and photo's is not a good idea. Honestly, what are you trying to do? You might think that will give you closure but it won't. All you are doing is getting a little "fix" to feed your addiction (it doesn't matter if it's a bad fix -- you are still having contact). You need to box all that stuff up, and either throw it away or put it away. I know how you feel, I did the same thing. My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago today (but who's counting?) We had gone on a wonderful trip to the wine country where I bought about 10 bottles of really good wine. I couldn't bear to see it in the house and couldn't imagine every wanting to drink it (still can't). Thank goodness my best friend was over that day helping me get over my hysterics and she took all the wine home. I told her to drink it -- who knows if she will or if she will break it out when I go over to her house for dinner (decanted of course, so I don't know what it is!) I also took all the pictures of us and put them away in the garage. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at them, but not yet. I also haven't been able to wear any of the jewelry he gave me (nice things from Tiffany's!). Again, maybe someday, but not now. Good luck.
  5. debisfun
    IMHO, you can be "friends" ONLY after time has passed. I know it's hard to give up the companionship that you had, you will miss him and he will miss you. But, if you want to move on with your life, you need to have a period of no contact. Otherwise you are prone to wallowing in the "no man's land" of your relationship and you'll use each other as a crutch to avoid healing. Good Luck.
  6. debisfun
    I'm sure you've heard this before....a man who marries his mistress just created another job opening. You are rationalizing his behaviour (he really is a great guy). HE HAD AN AFFAIR!!!! (we'll leave the fact that you did the same thing for another day). A "really great guy" would have dealt with his home situation BEFORE he got involved with someone else. Please pick up the book"Women Who Love Too Much". It's a great read and has some case studies about woman in just your same situation. It won't be easy to read because it will probably hit too close to home. But it will help you start to move on with your life. Good Luck.
  7. debisfun
    Please get the book "Women Who Love Too Much". It will be a real eye-opener...your situation describes some of the case studies so perfectly you'll think that the author stole your life. You need to: 1) Leave him 2) Figure out why you got involved and STAYED involved with him so you don't repeat the mistake. Good Luck. We've all been where you are (at least I was). We can all get healthy and move on.
  8. debisfun
    If I were you, I would seriously question why I would want to stay in such an abusive relationship. This is NOT normal and healthy. Sure, you "have good times" together, but feeling like you have to walk on eggshells is just wrong. Your s/o should be your biggest fan, your most ardent supporter, the person that is THERE for you when you have a bad day. Don't second guess yourself. Trust what your instincts are telling you. Believe me, this is NOT about you. It's about her and her inability to relate on an emotionally mature level. Dont' you deserve better than that? It's not your job to "fix" her. A healthy person will protect themself and find someone w/o those issues (which sounds like what you are doing.) Good Job. and Good Luck.
  9. debisfun
    It sounds like you need to put together a "Crime Sheet". (comes from the book I'm currently reading called "Letting Go"). It's human nature to block out the bad stuff (the pain), and remember only the good stuff (even if the bad stuff far outweighs the good stuff). You need to stop internalizing the anger and refocus it where it belongs -- on your ex. You HAVE to be honest. Start writing down every little thing that your ex did that upset you, humiliated you, or just pissed you off. Write down what they did when THEY BROKE UP WITH YOU! Write down how you felt when THEY BROKE UP WITH YOU! (it was crappy, wasn't it....) Before you make that phone call or write that email, read the Crime Sheet. Re-live those moments. Good Luck. (I know I need it!)
  10. debisfun
    Thanks all. I was having a crisis --- but instead of calling or texting him, I posted to this board. And then I took a walk around my building. Then I called my sister. Then I made myself a latte. (can you tell I was stalling). The point is --- I did NOT give into the desire to contact him. Unfortunately, it's still there. And even worse, when I logged on tonight, I see that he's on AIM. I'm going to turn off the computer, do a load of laundry, and get ready for my bike ride tomorrow. I wish it was as easy taking the advice as it is giving it.
  11. debisfun
    If I were giving advice to someone else who wrote this post, I would tell them: DO NOT CONTACT him! He knows where you are. He knows where you stand. He knows how to get in touch with you. There is nothing you could say or do tonight at dinner that will make a bit of difference. Arrrrrghhhh.....it's so much easier giving than receiving.
  12. debisfun
    Suicide threats should never be taken lightly. (I'm not saying that you are). First, you CANNOT captiulate to this demand. You may think that this will "prove" your goodness to her, but believe me.....in a week or a month there will be another test you have to take. You will not be do.ing her any favors by caving in -- in fact, you will be doing the opposite. Second, IMMEDATELY contact her family or clergy. THEY need to be the ones to help her get the PROFESSIONAL help that she is crying out for. If she's tried suicide before, then they won't be surprised. Third, TAKE THE INTERNSHIP. Move away, stop ALL contact with her. Fourth, Look into getting some professional help yourself to deal with the inevitable guilt (though misguided) that you will experience. Good Luck.
  13. debisfun
    Why why why am I so weak and pitiful??????!!!!!!!! Right now I have this OVERWHELMING desire to send the ex a quick message asking him to an early dinner tonight. I really wish he hadn't called me on Monday --- that just got me thinking and wishing and hoping and praying. This is what could happen: 1) He says "no, it's not a good idea". (Ouch) 2) He says yes. But during the date we eventually start talking about the relationship and he says (again), that he's confused, conflicted and "just doesn't know". (OUCH) 3) He says yes. And during the date I tells me that he wants to try again if we "go slow" (which I know will just bring us back to the breakup point somewhere in the not-so-distant-future). (Big OUCH) 4) He says yes. And during the date he agrees to run off to Tahoe and get married. (I have a vivid imagination!) How can I not act on this?
  14. debisfun
    It's weird how we can twist things in our mind. Think of it this way --- wouldn't YOU want to be with someone who was healthy, confident, put-together, interesting, fun, etc? What would be so attractive to your ex if he heard that you were an emotional wreak? You did GREAT!
  15. debisfun
    If he is really concerned about getting you money -- there is this nifty little thing called THE POSTAL SERVICE!!! I think (no wait....I KNOW) you are doing the right thing by not contacting him. Don't wait around for him, don't rearrange your schedule for him. If she shows up, good --- take care of business. If not, even better. Take care of YOU. I understand the staying busy but feeling like you are standing still. I'm in the same boat. I'm incredibly busy, but still feel empty. I have fun, but am still not really happy. Our HEADS know that our ex's are not the only person in the world for us. However, we need to let that feeling move to our HEARTS. It will happen.
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