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debisfun

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  1. debisfun
    Please pick up the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Your story could be one of the cast studies in the book. It will really help you understand why you put up with this guy and his abuse for all these years, and help you figure out what you need to do to move on and prevent doing the same thing in the future. It sounds like you went through hell. You will get through this. Good Luck.
  2. debisfun
    She's trying to rationalize her behaviour by saying she's under "stress". Honey, we are ALL under stress. That's called life. It really sounds like she is using you as a safety net....she wants to move on, but wants to have you around as well to make her feel wanted and loved. I'm not saying she is doing this to be intentionally malicious or hurtful. She may not realize her motivations. However, you need to take care of the most important person in your life, YOU! Protect yourself. You need to institute no contact in order to start the healing process. It will suck. It will hurt. You'll miss her and you will think that having her "on her terms" will be better than not having her at all. That's the addiction talking. But you CAN heal and move on. Good Luck.
  3. debisfun
    You didn't say how long it's been since the "break". If it's been a short time, I would say "NO" to dinner. Other than the fact that she is lonely and wants some fun, what has changed about her that makes you think she won't do this again in the near future? Maintain no contact.
  4. debisfun
    I strongly agree with everybody here. Returning the gifts and photo's is not a good idea. Honestly, what are you trying to do? You might think that will give you closure but it won't. All you are doing is getting a little "fix" to feed your addiction (it doesn't matter if it's a bad fix -- you are still having contact). You need to box all that stuff up, and either throw it away or put it away. I know how you feel, I did the same thing. My boyfriend broke up with me 5 weeks ago today (but who's counting?) We had gone on a wonderful trip to the wine country where I bought about 10 bottles of really good wine. I couldn't bear to see it in the house and couldn't imagine every wanting to drink it (still can't). Thank goodness my best friend was over that day helping me get over my hysterics and she took all the wine home. I told her to drink it -- who knows if she will or if she will break it out when I go over to her house for dinner (decanted of course, so I don't know what it is!) I also took all the pictures of us and put them away in the garage. Maybe one day I'll be able to look at them, but not yet. I also haven't been able to wear any of the jewelry he gave me (nice things from Tiffany's!). Again, maybe someday, but not now. Good luck.
  5. debisfun
    IMHO, you can be "friends" ONLY after time has passed. I know it's hard to give up the companionship that you had, you will miss him and he will miss you. But, if you want to move on with your life, you need to have a period of no contact. Otherwise you are prone to wallowing in the "no man's land" of your relationship and you'll use each other as a crutch to avoid healing. Good Luck.
  6. debisfun
    I'm sure you've heard this before....a man who marries his mistress just created another job opening. You are rationalizing his behaviour (he really is a great guy). HE HAD AN AFFAIR!!!! (we'll leave the fact that you did the same thing for another day). A "really great guy" would have dealt with his home situation BEFORE he got involved with someone else. Please pick up the book"Women Who Love Too Much". It's a great read and has some case studies about woman in just your same situation. It won't be easy to read because it will probably hit too close to home. But it will help you start to move on with your life. Good Luck.
  7. debisfun
    Please get the book "Women Who Love Too Much". It will be a real eye-opener...your situation describes some of the case studies so perfectly you'll think that the author stole your life. You need to: 1) Leave him 2) Figure out why you got involved and STAYED involved with him so you don't repeat the mistake. Good Luck. We've all been where you are (at least I was). We can all get healthy and move on.
  8. debisfun
    If I were you, I would seriously question why I would want to stay in such an abusive relationship. This is NOT normal and healthy. Sure, you "have good times" together, but feeling like you have to walk on eggshells is just wrong. Your s/o should be your biggest fan, your most ardent supporter, the person that is THERE for you when you have a bad day. Don't second guess yourself. Trust what your instincts are telling you. Believe me, this is NOT about you. It's about her and her inability to relate on an emotionally mature level. Dont' you deserve better than that? It's not your job to "fix" her. A healthy person will protect themself and find someone w/o those issues (which sounds like what you are doing.) Good Job. and Good Luck.
  9. debisfun
    It sounds like you need to put together a "Crime Sheet". (comes from the book I'm currently reading called "Letting Go"). It's human nature to block out the bad stuff (the pain), and remember only the good stuff (even if the bad stuff far outweighs the good stuff). You need to stop internalizing the anger and refocus it where it belongs -- on your ex. You HAVE to be honest. Start writing down every little thing that your ex did that upset you, humiliated you, or just pissed you off. Write down what they did when THEY BROKE UP WITH YOU! Write down how you felt when THEY BROKE UP WITH YOU! (it was crappy, wasn't it....) Before you make that phone call or write that email, read the Crime Sheet. Re-live those moments. Good Luck. (I know I need it!)
  10. debisfun
    Thanks all. I was having a crisis --- but instead of calling or texting him, I posted to this board. And then I took a walk around my building. Then I called my sister. Then I made myself a latte. (can you tell I was stalling). The point is --- I did NOT give into the desire to contact him. Unfortunately, it's still there. And even worse, when I logged on tonight, I see that he's on AIM. I'm going to turn off the computer, do a load of laundry, and get ready for my bike ride tomorrow. I wish it was as easy taking the advice as it is giving it.
  11. debisfun
    If I were giving advice to someone else who wrote this post, I would tell them: DO NOT CONTACT him! He knows where you are. He knows where you stand. He knows how to get in touch with you. There is nothing you could say or do tonight at dinner that will make a bit of difference. Arrrrrghhhh.....it's so much easier giving than receiving.
  12. debisfun
    Suicide threats should never be taken lightly. (I'm not saying that you are). First, you CANNOT captiulate to this demand. You may think that this will "prove" your goodness to her, but believe me.....in a week or a month there will be another test you have to take. You will not be do.ing her any favors by caving in -- in fact, you will be doing the opposite. Second, IMMEDATELY contact her family or clergy. THEY need to be the ones to help her get the PROFESSIONAL help that she is crying out for. If she's tried suicide before, then they won't be surprised. Third, TAKE THE INTERNSHIP. Move away, stop ALL contact with her. Fourth, Look into getting some professional help yourself to deal with the inevitable guilt (though misguided) that you will experience. Good Luck.
  13. debisfun
    Why why why am I so weak and pitiful??????!!!!!!!! Right now I have this OVERWHELMING desire to send the ex a quick message asking him to an early dinner tonight. I really wish he hadn't called me on Monday --- that just got me thinking and wishing and hoping and praying. This is what could happen: 1) He says "no, it's not a good idea". (Ouch) 2) He says yes. But during the date we eventually start talking about the relationship and he says (again), that he's confused, conflicted and "just doesn't know". (OUCH) 3) He says yes. And during the date I tells me that he wants to try again if we "go slow" (which I know will just bring us back to the breakup point somewhere in the not-so-distant-future). (Big OUCH) 4) He says yes. And during the date he agrees to run off to Tahoe and get married. (I have a vivid imagination!) How can I not act on this?
  14. debisfun
    It's weird how we can twist things in our mind. Think of it this way --- wouldn't YOU want to be with someone who was healthy, confident, put-together, interesting, fun, etc? What would be so attractive to your ex if he heard that you were an emotional wreak? You did GREAT!
  15. debisfun
    If he is really concerned about getting you money -- there is this nifty little thing called THE POSTAL SERVICE!!! I think (no wait....I KNOW) you are doing the right thing by not contacting him. Don't wait around for him, don't rearrange your schedule for him. If she shows up, good --- take care of business. If not, even better. Take care of YOU. I understand the staying busy but feeling like you are standing still. I'm in the same boat. I'm incredibly busy, but still feel empty. I have fun, but am still not really happy. Our HEADS know that our ex's are not the only person in the world for us. However, we need to let that feeling move to our HEARTS. It will happen.
  16. debisfun
    I suggest you get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". It will really help you identify the feelings that you are having and may be able to help you determine what you need to do in the future. IMHO, you need to NOT contact her....it's cruel and only gives her hope. You are the one causing her the pain, and you need to separate yourself from her. Calling her to see how she is doing is selfish -- you are doing this for YOUR feelings, not hers. Good Luck.
  17. debisfun
    Lisa, *sigh*. I can really emphasize with the pain that you are feeling. You need to trust your intincts. The reason why he was acting withdrawn and distant is because HE WAS WITHDRAWN AND DISTANT. There is absolutely NOTHING you could have said or done to change that situation. This is about HIM, not about you. The very fact that he was able to jump into another relationship so quickly is proof that he is unable to really provide a lasting emotional commitment. Be glad that you found out now. But for the sake of argument -- let's say I'm wrong. What if there WAS something that you did that drove him away (which I seriously doubt). That absolutely positively does NOT give him the green light to have an affair. That's immature, low-life, and just so wrong on just about every level. Let's continue the argument --- you somehow manage to rationalize his cheating and can forgive him. (arrrrghhhh). What makes you think that ANYTHING has changed in his behaviour? This man is talking crap about you! Okay -- let's say that he is feeling remorseful and wants to make amends. Why should YOU be the one to make contact? He's the one who broke up with you. He knows where you are. If by some miracle, he wants to "come bacK", he should be the one to do the calling and rebuilding of the trust. Continuing on -- you say that you are afraid that he may be too proud or feel too bad to call. SO WHAT!!!! If he can't swallow his pride and admit he made a mistake, and make every effort to show that he has changed and will NEVER EVER to that again --- then why do you want him? Please do NOT CONTACT him. Take all the energy you are wasting on him and turn it to yourself. It's going to take a while for the "wanting him" thoughts to go away, but they will. And when they do, you'll be saying to yourself "What was I thinking?????" Good Luck.
  18. debisfun
    I'm going back to my standard advice... Get the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Your story could be one of the case studies in the book. It won't be easy to read, but it will help you identify what YOU need to to change so you won't let this happen again. Remember, this "other" woman is only getting a lier and a cheat. Would you want that on one of your friends? I would hope not --- so start thinking of yourself as a friend to yourself. You'll be amazed at how it could change your perspective. Good Luck. READ THE BOOK!
  19. debisfun
    Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. (sorry, I really think you are WAY off base.) 1. It's unhealthy if maintaining contact with your ex causes pain and hurt. From what I can tell, there is NOTHING about Lisa's ex's behaviour that suggest he will do otherwise. He's a lying cheat. 2. I used the show "Judging Amy" as an example of how to be strong when faced with a person who mistreats you. It's am example of how a parent's behaviour WILL impact their children's lives and teaches them what is acceptable. In this case, putting up with a man who is disrepectful and uncaring is NOT healthy. I certainly would not want to be sending my children the message that it's okay to take that from people. 3. Yes, Lisa desires to contact her ex. Just about everybody who is dumped desires to contact their ex. (I'm no different). The point it was trying to make is unless something dramatically changed in her ex (not just "honey I'm sorry"), there is no reason to expect that he won't bolt again. The best predictor of future behaviour is past actions. 4. Please don't pull the divorce thing. She is NOT married at this point. There is no reason for her to put up with someone who is a cheater and can't give her the emotional commitment that she deserves. 5. And yes, the books I recommend ARE about moving on. They ARE about learning to recognize toxic relationships so that you can identify YOUR part and learn to understand what YOU can do to avoid that type of pain and hurt again. They are about becoming strong, gaining your self-esteem back, and learning to accept yourself. All healthy things. Unless BOTH partners put in a lot of work (especially when the problems are as big as Lisa's), it really is futile to for her to keep trying. 6. The point of NO CONTACT is to heal. Talking to your ex (especially someone who is telling non-truths about the ending of the relationship) in no way will enable her to get better. She will just open up old wounds. 7. Part of what she needs to learn is how to identify men who will treat her poorly, and learn how not to "give away the farm" too early. It's very difficult with a man like her ex. He will say and do things that are complete 180 degrees oppposite of each other. She probably focuses on the good stuff, while glossing over and ignoring the warning signs (something I've been guilty of as well). Bottom line, she needs to figure out how to let go and get strong. Hoping for a change of heart from the ex is not in her best interest.
  20. debisfun
    I feel like such an imposter. If only I really felt as strong as I appear. I'm not. I still wish and hope that he'll change. But deep down, I know that he has issues that I can't fix, and that if we DID get back together, it would be disasterous for me. The only way for me to REALLY heal is to accept that this relationship is over, and I'm struggling with that thought. I still dream about how wonderful out life would be together -- IF ONLY. Classic thoughts of a "Women Who Loves Too Much". NO CONTACT is for me to heal. Period. Keeping thoughts alive of "maybe???" will not allow me (or you) to move on and become healthy. It's amazing how rejection can slam your self-esteem. Before I started dating my ex, I felt like I could do anything, and anything was possible. I know I'm still the same person and I will get that back. Only then will I be attractive to another HEALTHY person. We can all get through this.
  21. debisfun
    First, BLOCK HER from AIM. That way, you won't be tempted to see her on-line. Second, if you see her, DO NOT go up to see her and talk to her. If it happens that you run into her, you can say a polite "hi", but there is no need for further contact. The best revenge is living well. Make sure that you have some friends to hang out with. Be prepared to see her with someone else (it could happen). You'll have so much more self-respect if you can do this. Good Luck.
  22. debisfun
    Lisa, I emphatically disagree with Kipster's advice. Do NOT, do NOT, do NOT NOT NOT contact him or keep wishing for him to come back. It's incredibly unhealthy and will keep you from moving on. I was watching Judging Amy last night.....she broke up with a guy because he freaked out and ran. He wanted to come back, but she told him that there was no way that she would do that to herself or her daughter. What kind of mother would she be if she showed her that it was okay to be treated that way in a relationship? Think about it. We are teaching our children what to expect by our actions. I know that I "learned" alot from my childhood.....quite a bit of it I'm trying to "unlearn"! You might think that you are hiding your feelings from your child, and that they don't know what is going on -- but don't kid yourself. Children are waaaaay more preceptive than we give them credit for. People who say "well, if you still love him than go for it" are personalizing the situation to what THEY want. It's not the right thing for you. You did not have a little argument over where to eat for dinner. He CHEATED on you! He BROKE UP with you! He was cruel, insensitive, and now he is trying to mask his guilt with telling non-truths. While he may harbor some positive feelings when thinking about the "good times", he does NOT love you! I'm sure this is not what you want to hear, and I'm sorry. PLEASE get the book "Women Who Love Too Much". Another few to get (can you tell I read a lot?) are: "Men Who Can't Love" -- Everything you've written about him point that your ex is a classic commitmentphobe. Charming and wonderful in the beginning, hurtful and cruel in the end. You really need to open your eyes "Don't Call That Man" -- gives GREAT advice on how to NOT act on your feelings. Lisa, I know it's easy for me to give advice. In some ways I feel hypocritical, because I can't always take my own advice. I'm trying my best to stop wanting my ex, and to accept the fact that he needs to be gone and out of my life. It's not a healthy relationship, and never will be unless HE gets some intense therapy to deal with HIS issues. After the phone call I got on Monday night, I was talking to a friend of mine. I told her that if I was my friend, I would be slapping me silly. I should never have talked to him as long as I did....it's easy for him to want to miss me -- the pressure is off him and he no longer feels the anxiety. However, I know that if I let him back in, the cycle will repeat itself. I can NEVER go through again what I've gone through this past month. Neither should you. At some point you need to start believing in yourself. You need to start believeing that it's okay to protect yourself and it's okay to expect to be treated with respect, compassion, consideration, and love. You can do this.
  23. debisfun
    Even though you *think* you broke up 3 months ago, because you just now started No Contact, you are JUST NOW on the road to healing. Everytime you talk to her you move backwards. I disagree with people who say the NO CONTACT is for you to heal AND for the ex to miss you. The NO CONTACT is for you to heal. Period. If you think you are making your ex miss you and that they will eventually call you, then you are not allowing yourself to move on, thereforeeee not healing. Believe me, I speak from experience. Like I've said many times before, it's very easy to give advice as an objective outsider --- things are so much clearer when it's not about yourself. Good Luck. Pick up some books -- a great one is "Letting Go". It helps.
  24. debisfun
    Please don't read too much into her questions. She is being human (albiet a flawed human) by subconsciously "liking" the fact that you are there as a fallback love (sorta like a safety net), even though she probably has no intention of using that safety net. I'm not saying that she is doing this intentionally or with malice. She may not even know that's what is going on, and she is probably confused and struggling herself with her actions. BUT, from what I can read, you have been in a toxic and unhealthy relationship with this woman. Because you have a child together, you will always have some contact. But PLEASE, for the sake of your daughter, you must move on. I would serioulsy suggest you get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". It addresses unhealthy aspects of how we act in a relationship -- NOT so much so we can "get back" our ex, but in a way that we can identify OUR part in the relationship, make the adjustment, and then be able to move on into a healthy relationship. I've also just started another book called "Letting Go". It is extremely helpful and I think you could get alot out of it as well. Good Luck. You can do this. If nothing else, you will do it so your daughter grows up in a healthy, positive environment and learns what good love is.
  25. debisfun
    Lisa, It really hurts me to read what you are going through. Our situations are similiar (but my ex isn't such a scumbag). It's easy to recognize toxic situations from afar. And sister....I can tell that you are in a really bad place. You *think* you are in love with him, but you really are in love with the fantasy of what you wish he would be, and the dream of the future you thought you had. There is no way that a healthy person could love someone who treated them so poorly. Have you read the book "Women Who Love Too Much?" If not, you HAVE to read the book. You won't like it, but it will really help you gain strength and focus. If you've already read the book, RE-READ IT! Also pick up "Letting Go", and "Don't Call That Man". It really is true that living well is the best revenge. It doesn't matter what he is telling other people. Who cares if he tells people that he dumped you? Take the high road, be classy and just say "well, there are two sides to every story" and let it drop. You'll have the respect of your friends, and more importantly, the respect of yourself, if you refuse to take his bait. It's okay to take a break from dating. It's okay to tell people that you are taking time for yourself (that's what I'm doing). The important thing is to REALLY take the time for yourself and take the energy you are wasting on him, and use it for yourself. You are the only person you can help. Take advantage of your friends. Look for some groups to join (in California there are lot's of weekend "adventure" groups that go camping and hiking -- a great way to meet people). If you are really crazy, do what I have done and sign up for a triathlon (the training will keep you busy!) I hate to pull out the age card, but you and I have been around a bit longer than most of the people here. We both have the history to know that we can live on our own and that we can love. We both KNOW that we will get through this. We both KNOW that we are strong, wonderful women with much to offer the world. Good Luck. You can do this. We can do this.
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