debisfun

Dear All, I'm in a similar boat. After 2 years and talking about getting married, my boyfriend has called it quits. The all-encompasing, body-sucking pain is almost unbearable. However, I have read two books that have really hit home, and I think that you would get something out of them too. I'll be honest, they aren't easy to read, but the truth is not always easy. The first one "Women Who Love Too Much", is a real eye-openener. I'm only halfway through, but so far, it has really resonated. Things about losing yourself in a man, trying hard to make him happy, and when that doesn't work, trying even harder, wondering what you could have done to prevent the breakup, trying to "fix" or heal your partner, understanding why your partner pulls away right when things seem to be going so well -- all of these are signs of women who love too much. The second one "Men Who Can't Love" is about identifying men who are committment-phobic BEFORE you get into a relationship with them. I wasn't too thrilled with this one, probably because I already AM in a relationship with one --- it's like "Gee, thanks for telling me, but NOW what do I do"? Still, it's enlightening. I'm on the fourth day of NO CONTACT and it's hard. Today I really really really wanted to text him and ask him to lunch tomorrow, just to "keep the lines of communication open". But who am I kidding.....I know that I somehow want to convice him that we CAN make it work, that things AREN'T bad, that now that I understand "our" problems, we can work on them ---- all the things that a Woman Who Loves Too Much does. I'm still in the fantasy stage --- I know it, but I just can't move on (yet). Good Luck. I know from history that I WILL get through this. My goal is to heal myself so I don't EVER have to go through it again.

"Men Who Can't Love" link removed=1082754245/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/104-9276801-6701551?v=glance&s=books&n=507846 It probably won't be what you want to hear, but it has a lot of real truths. I'd also recommend "Women Who Love Too Much". link removed=1082754453/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/104-9276801-6701551?v=glance&s=books&n=507846 Good Luck to you.

It's day three and counting since the NO CONTACT. Last night I went to a Sharks game with a girlfriend that was very very entertaining. (especially since the Sharks scored three times in the first period, and Marleau had a hat trick). But a couple of times I almost choked up, thinking about the LAST game I went to....it was with him, his daughter and my son. I've got a "date" tonight with my son (going to the cheap movies). Tomorrow a friend is coming over to spend the afternoon with me (going to my son's soccer game, then she's going to help me clean my garage!), then I'm going over to another friend's house for dinner. Sunday morning it's church, then I've got a few hours to kill before I take my son to soccer tryouts. I'm trying to stay busy, but I can't help keep counting the minutes. I hope and pray that he'll call, but I'm terrified that he won't. I'm also terrified that if he DOES call, he won't be able to tell me what I need/want to hear. I wish I could erase him from my memory bank.

My head knows it will get better...my heart is just not wanting to listen. I'm still in the phase of thinking that I can "fix" him. I've started to read a book called "Women Who Love Too Much".....pretty rough reading. It's not what I want to hear. It's much easier to believe that he'll magically wake up someday (soon) and realize what he's lost. Right now I know I'm in denial. I keep trying to pretend that he's on a vacation somewhere, or that I just talked to him. That way I don't feel like it's been days since I've heard his voice. I'm lucky that I have several really good girlfriends who are here for me. They've told me to call them WHENEVER I get the urge to make contact. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

You are very young and WILL find love again (hopefully many many many times). At 15 you SHOULD be dating other people and exploring your options. I know that the pain is awful, and it really doesn't get any better when you are a full-fledged adult (if anything, it gets worse when you are my age). But remember this, you will live several lifetimes by the time you are 20. By the time you are 30 (I know that seems like it will never happen!), you will not be the same person you were at 20. You need to be in contact with someone close. Long distance relationships are tough....don't saddle yourself with that burden. Good Luck. Anytime you want to contact her, come to this site. That's what I do!

We've been going to counseling the past 6 weeks, and I thought we were really making progress on his issues. He started talking about setting a date, saying things like "good thing the honeymoon is paid for", "have you practiced Deborah {insert his last name} yet?". But then last week, after one pretty minor disagreement (in my mind), he left. He said that he felt we were back to square one and was tired of feeling like I thought he was wrong all the time (which I don't). He said he felt he didn't love me enough for it to be forever. When he said that, the room literally began to spin. Well, this week hasn't been pretty. I haven't quite reduced myself to begging, but I have been talking to him, trying to convince him that he's making a mistake. I even saw him on Sunday night at a retirement party for one of his co-workers (we were talking on the phone and he said he would still like me to come). During that time, he admitted that he was happy to see me and that he missed me. But then Monday and Tuesday weren't so good. I dropped some books off to him Monday night, ("Getting to Commitment", and "Letting Go of Fear"), and we talked. His mom called and I could hear her ask if he had talked to me yet....she said "Be Strong!". Ugh. I've been asking him to go to the counselor with me again....he called her and she said she didn't think it was a good idea (based on what she thought I had told her last week when I saw her by myself). I talked to her for a few minutes and she said that she would see us, but really cautioned me on what were my motives. She is worried that I'm not taking care of myself. I know I need to implement the NO CONTACT rule. But everytime I think of it really being over, I get dizzy. Also, I haven't been able to eat (hardly anything), and my sleeping has been horrible, even with sleep aids. I've been late to work, and haven't been good about getting my son to school on time I keep hoping that it's not for real, and that he will wake up and realize what a mistake he's making. I know I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, I just keep looking for a way to help him get over his past hurts (he was married twice before, both times he was the dumpee). Don't know what I'm really asking....I guess I just want reassurance that this knot will go away that is in my stomach, and that I'll be able to go more than 2 minutes w/o thinking about him.