beancounter999

What a scumbag! You're better off without him. Sad for her though

Day 12 Missiing ex a lot. The pain isn't as bad and I didn't cry myself to sleep the last two nights. Just feeling sad now. I think it's finally settling in that it's over. I still think about him constantly but with sadness, not anger. Progress? I hope so. I can't wait for the day when I don't care about how he feels/thinks.

Piruru - glad you're taking the challenge. You deserve so much better! Take the 30 days and focus on you. NC is the best way to heal. If you're ever tempted then jump on ENA and post...we're all here for you.

Day 10 Still think about him every minute of every day. Can't wait for the day that he's not the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I fall to sleep at night...

Day 1 It's been 3 weeks since we broke up. He blindsided me, everything seemed great. The longest I was able to stay NC was 6 days and then he contacted me. Last night we texted back and forth. It was like he was his happy, old self again. He's making travel plans for the future and seems happy to be single. That was a wake-up call. I don't understand how he could just walk away from everything and bounce right back like everything's fine. But he is and I need to get over him. There is no hope of reconciliation. He is happy...I want to be happy again too and I need to give up on hope and let him so. So...day 1 of NC.

Your text brought me a few steps back...I miss you so much it hurts and all the fun and happiness we had. I thought about that little place in Vermont we stayed at and our drives through the White Mountains. We were so excited for the future...I don't understand what happened to us...

This last contact has really sent me into a tailspin. I think I'm more confused than I was in the beginning of this whole nightmare. It is so much easier to hate him and he made it very easy. He wasn't contacting me or showing any remorse or feelings for me at all. Now, I find myself tempted to contact him. I want to call or email him where I didn't before. Because before he was being a big a@@hole and now he's being all nice and sweet. I have to keep reminding myself of all the things he did to hurt me, the cheating and the lies, and the cruelty. So, what in the hell is wrong with me? Why am I back to making excuses for his behavior, wanting to talk to him and be with him again? I am ashamed of these feelings. I know I don't want him back. I could never trust him again. He is total scum. Why can't I let go? What am I holding onto here? I wasn't even happy when I was with him. So confused now.....posting here instead of emailing him.

So I've posted here before a few times. To make a long story short I was dumped by my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He was emotionally abusive and controlling, a true roller coaster ride. I found out that he was cheating on me and had been since the beginning and that our whole relationship was basically one big head game. Anyway, after 10 days of no contact I was really starting to feel better. Believe me, I still thought about my ex 54384233 times a day, couldn't sleep, cried every night, etc. The pain was still there, but I was able to have good moments during the day, and those times seemed to get longer and longer each day. My appetite was coming back and I was actually able to have a conversation without bursting into tears. Soooo, after making some progress I receive an email from the ex basically wanting to chit-chat. I told him to go take a hike. No problem. I felt great. Well, ex decided to take a different route and proceeded to send me numerous emails filled with sorrow, regret, all of his pain over letting me go. How messed up and crazy he was. How he wanted to be friends. Couldn't stand the thought of his life without me. He listed all the things he loved and missed about me, about us. He loved me and missed me, etc, etc. I replied, with civility, no frills. Two days of love-filled emails started to break my armor. Day 2 he called me and I stupidly answered. He was outside of my workplace. Wanted a hug and just a short chat. I figured, why not? I wanted closure. I wanted to hear that he loved and missed me. And I was missing him tremendously. I wanted so much to feel his arms around me again. It had been 3 weeks since I had seen him. So we sat outside and chatted. He cried and held my hands in his. Told me of how horrible the past two weeks had been without contact. He couldn't stand me not in his life anymore. I was his best friend. He hugged me. Tenderly caressed my face. Wiped his tears away with my fingers, and proceeded to tell me how well things were progressing with he and his new girl, one of the ones he had cheated on me with. I was flabbergasted! I jumped up and told him I had to go. He pulled me back to him, cried harder and begged me not to leave him. I told him that I could not be friends with him. I did not want to hear about he and his new love interest. I asked him how he could possibly love me and yet have feelings for someone else? He said he didn't know. I was crying at this point as well. I was trying to leave and he was holding me. Telling me that he was not going to let me walk out of his life. After a few minutes of pleading and crying, he let me go. I turned and walked away. I went back to my office and blocked his email address. I shut off my cell phone. That encounter took me two giant steps backwards. All those healing wounds re-opened, and I felt all that agonizing pain that I had felt in the beginning. Sure, I knew he was seeing someone else. And I didn't block his email because deep down I wanted him to contact me. Tell me all the things he eventually did. I wanted to feel his arms around me. Feel his hand on my face. But when all those things happened, and I let my guard down, he just plunged the knife back in again. After those feelings of insecurity and anxiety and hurt came back, I realized that I really had made progress with no contact. Maybe it was just so subtle that I hadn't even realized it. The encounter only left me confused and asking more questions. Why was he pursuing me if he wanted someone else? Why did he need me in his life? Why couldn't he leave me alone? You know what? I will never know the answers to those questions, and he probably doesn't either. I learned a valuable lesson today. In order to really heal you need to have no contact. Contact just confuses and enables us to avoid our feelings. Aren't we just looking for someone else to validate our worth? Reassure? Tell us everything is going to be okay? We need to find those answers in ourselves. It was extremely hard for me to block his email address. Part of me still wants to hear those things, but it is not the wise part of me. But, I'm feeling better already. Because I took control back. I won't have to check my email 600 times a day to see if there's something from him. I know it's going to be hard. I know some days I'm going to want to call him, or curl up and cry all day. But I know my ship is headed in the right direction. \ I'm free and I'm starting to like it.

Yes, Yasmina it will get better. And I believe that you're right about karma - you'll get what you deserve and so will he. You're dealing with and processing your feelings - this will make you so much stronger. Although it doesn't feel like it sometimes, I know that I'm making progress. The biggest indication to me is my journal. When I go back and read what I wrote three weeks ago, it is so full of despair - like I never had any good moments. Now, not every moment is bad. I still think about him 518714342 times per day, but I am able to get up and go to work and clean my house and eat and do the things that I couldn't manage a couple of weeks ago. The changes are subtle, but they are there. I also noticed that lately I'm only writing a page or so in my journal a day instead of several pages. Hang in there. You are dealing with a lot of feelings right now. You'll get there...

Your story is much like mine. I understand how hard it is when the person you love lied, cheated, emotionally abused and betrayed you and then shows no remorse! I'm sure you stuck right by him through all the crap and saw the good in him. We have such a hard time understanding because our minds don't work that way. We cannot understand something that isn't rational. Today is day 10 of No contact for me and sometimes it just kills me. I want to contact him soooo badly, but I just picture how badly the conversation could go. I mean, don't we really just want another "crumb"? Some reassurance that we weren't that disposable? But, what if we don't get it? We'll just feel worse! As hard as it is, you have to stay away. With no contact to confuse you, you'll learn more and more about how damaging the relationship was to you. It does get better. One long, hard day at a time. ((hugs))

Today is day 8 with NC. The longest we had ever gone before is 3 days. I thought I was feeling better, but I find that I am missing the little things sooo much. The daily conversations, just snuggling while we watched tv, etc. I mean, I know he's total scum and that our whole relationship was based on lies, but he consumed such a huge amount of my time that I'm left with this big gaping hole! And things weren't all bad. How can we go from 5 or 6 calls a day and staying together 5 nights a week to zero without feeling a huge loss? And, on top of it, our last conversation was horrible. No closure. I know I shouldn't worry about how he's feeling, but I can't help but be consumed with wondering whether he's feeling a loss too? Even if he didn't really love me, it must be hard on him too? Somehow? I guess it would make me feel better if I thought that I meant something to him. This is so hard. I feel like I'm going backward instead of forward. My head knows he's scum, but it's like my heart hasn't caught up yet. Why don't they communicate??

Ok, so my heart's been broken before, but I'm having an especially hard time with this one, and haven't been able to find any resources that really addresses my situation. I will try to make this as short as possible. M was my co-worker and friend for four years before we started dating. We took things slowly and he did not meet my son, nor did we sleep together for months. He showered me with attention. Flowers, phone calls, emailed me songs, made me CDs, videos, he seemed to be the perfect man. He told me things that nobody else ever had. He made me feel like the most wonderful woman in the world. My walls quickly came down and I fell in love with M. He was my best friend, my soul mate, everything I could have ever wanted. After about a year of dating bliss, things started to go downhill. He seemed moody, angry and resentful toward me. He was always threatening to break up with me. Nothing seemed to make him happy. He told me was depressed and to just bare with him. I did my best but things became progressively worse. He stopped coming over to see me. He'd make excuses. He told me I was too controlling and was suffocating him. We went from seeing each other 5 nights a week to one night a week. I was confused, but every time I started to pull away, he would lay on the charm and plead with me to stick by his side. His grandmother, who had raised him, was dying of cancer, and I could not leave the man I loved when he was going through such a tragedy. He became verbally abusive. He kept his children from me. He would call and seem to just pick fights. He would tell me horrible things. He never loved me. He just felt sorry for me. He never wanted to see me again. If I became upset or started to cry, he would mock me or say even worse things. He would kick me when I was down with his words. My whole life started to revolve around M. My day was determined by what kind of mood he was in. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I tried to do everything I could not to upset him. I thought he was truly depressed because of his anger and stood by him. I could never tell him how I felt without him becoming angry. He broke up with me all the time. And then a couple days would go by and he would call crying, telling me how messed up he was and that he really loved me. He would tell me that he wanted the best for me, he was no good. I kept letting him back in. My days were filled with anxiety. I jumped whenever the phone rang. I never knew what kind of call it would be. Whether he would break up with me again. I wanted out but felt helpless, like he had complete control over me. I convinced myself that he really loved me. Otherwise, why would he keep begging me to come back? Why would he call me several times a day just to make contact. And then, around 2 years into this, I found out he was cheating on me with his ex-wife. I broke it off with him. First he lashed out and blamed it on me. He had never loved me, always loved her, wanted out for a long time, etc. Then he started in with the pleading. He wrote long, heart-wrenching emails. He became the person he was in the beginning once again. He bought me an engagement ring and asked me to marry him. He promised me that he would go to counseling, he would do anything for me. I bought it. I took him back. Things were okay for a couple of months, then the verbal abuse started again. He had never wanted to marry me. I had manipulated him into it because he was afraid to lose me. He never wanted to marry me or live with me. He wanted the ring back. He couldn't afford it. When we were arguing, he would forward excerpts of my emails to his ex and they would discuss what "was wrong with me." I stopped associating with my family and friends. I was completely humiliated that I was so weak. I felt helpless to get out. And yet I kept remembering the person that he was for the first year. Hoping that guy would come back. And M kept assuring me that he would. Just stick by him. The breakups and reconciliations continued. My self-esteem was gone. I would panic at the thought of him leaving me. I cried and begged when he threated to break things off. I apologized and took responsibility for everything. I was too needy. My expectations were too high. I was too dependent on him, etc, etc. Three weeks ago, I took my mother and son on our first vacation ever to Disney in Orlando. The second day I was there he called and told me that he never wanted to see me again. He was sick of my "conduct". He was tired of being controlled and was cutting the apron strings. He never wanted to sleep with me or make love to me again. He said that I was ruining the relationship he had with his children, because his ex didn't like me thereforeeee, was making things harder for him. He said he did not want to wait until I returned from my vacation because he figured we could both use the week to forget about each other. I was devastated. I knew he was a jerk, but I never would believe that he would ruin my vacation with my family. When I returned, I did something shameless. He had long ago given me his email password to check it once when he was out of town. I read his email and found out that he had been seeing somebody for months behind my back. I also found out that he was having relations with his ex-wife from the very beginning of our relationship! The year that I thought was so wonderful was not even real! Their emails were signed with "I love you" throughout our whole relationship. When I confronted him he told me that he had done nothing wrong. He had never felt our relationship would make it, thereforeeee, he did nothing wrong. He knew that if he told me how he really felt that I would get mad (of course!) I asked him why he kept begging me to go back. He said he was just having weak moments, and always regretted it. To add insult to injury, he is still being cruel even after the break-up. He is sending mean emails to me, and is acting as though he hates the fact that I even exist on this earth. He tells me how relieved he is to be without me and that he is seeing somebody else and is finally happy. I feel like he simply disposed of me like he would trash, and any reminder of me makes him angry. Now, I know you're thinking that I should be glad to be rid of this scumbag. The problem I'm having is that I'm having a real hard time understanding how my judgment could have been so clouded. How could I let someone completely manipulate me like that? I feel like everything I thought I knew was not real. My life the past 2 and a half years has been based on lies. I have a hard time understanding how somebody can completely crush somebody's spirit and just walk away? I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore. I gave everything I had to a narcissistic con-artist. I feel like he robbed me of my very soul. I understand that I need to focus on me and not him in order to get better, but I'm having a very hard time doing that. I feel like I've been raped - only emotionally, instead of physically. I want relief and I want to help myself, but I don't know where to start. My biggest problem is how to understand how can he sleep next to me five nights a week, call me several times a day, for over two years then just push me out of his life like I'm trash and want absolutely nothing to do with me? Help.