Hey_Beautiful

To make the history WAY short: My ex-boyfriend and I were friends for a long time before we ever decided to date--in fact, it just happened, and we realized that we wanted to happen! After dating for 4 years, we realized that we were both starting to be in different places, and our own personal issues were getting in the way--he thought I was too clingy, and I thought he didn't show enough compassion, among other things...The one thing that we both agreed on was that we wanted to remain friends--I know that sounds very unlikely, but we've been friends for so long... We've been apart for about a year, and now that we live 5 hours apart, we talk on the phone, and when I'm in town on business, we'll grab a drink or do lunch. It's never gone past that, and honestly, I've never felt the urge for it to (even when I've had a few drinks!) HOWEVER....the other night I was in town, and we were having coffee, and all of a sudden in the middle of the wine bar, as we were laughing, something just clicked...and he leaned over to kiss me, and I was realized I was leaning back over to kiss him too. This wasn't supposed to happen..but I let it happen, and I'm sorta glad that it did....we're both single, so that helps, but at the same time, am I foolish to think that we can fix all the problems that we had the first go round, or should I just be deadset on us having a good friendship?? I'm confused. Help.

I am not speaking for every situation, because each one is diifferent.. However.... My boyfriend is and I share a 22 year age gap. We've been dating for 3 years now, and it has worked, but it has been no easy ride... Age gap relationships require so much attention and work, because you have to mentally be on the same page to be able to go out in the world and face everyone else. We've had to work A LOT at it, but we've done it because we do love each other. We also met through work, and we had to work through that issue too, but it has worked out as well. Another little secret: I'm in my 20's, too. I think that it becomes significantly different when you start this kind of relationship when you're older. Being out of college, and working, and independent has a lot to do with my security in my relationship. We're not equal, BUT we are..it's hard to explain. So yes..it can work, but it can take you for a ride...good luck!!

My boyfriend and I just split after 2 1/2 years. I was very shocked...it was amicable, and as much as we do admit that we love each other, there were no real tears or out of control emotions. We decided that at this juncture in both of our lives, we were doing each other an injustice by stifling one another, if that makes any sense. The problem: We refuse to let each other go. We definitely agree that there will be no more intimacy, and we really want to be friends. Drinks, lunch, dinner--stuff like that. I'm all for it, but will it work? Can we really be that close to one another without wanting to be all over each other? Can we be comfortable seeing each other with other people? I've never had this type of experience before, because usually a relationship for me ends because of some horrible thing and I never want to see the other person again anyway. Can lovers really be friends? Is it better just to let go?

I totally understand your frustration; my boyfriend was 39 when I was 21...something to think about: I don't know how an age gap relationship would be looked at in your area, but are you ready to face people and constantly defend your feelings for one another? You might be, but also think about her--she is young, and still has a way to go in the world...do you want to subject her to that? If you love her, and want to protect her against society, which can be extra stupid at times, I say go for it. As someone who was interested in an older man in my late teens and early twenties, I advise you to always be cognizant of your age difference in terms of experience and what she is comfortable with..give her a chance to grow as well. Good luck--I hope it works out!

Welcome to the club, ensign! I'm 21. and I've been going through the same thing with my boyfriend, who is 39. It is so IMPORTANT to take things slow--I can't stress that enough. I think that the only reason that we have been so successful at getting through our feelings is that we have agreed that due to the circumstances of the relationship, we have to approach it very carefully... It is so important to distinguish between your physical feelings and your mental outlook on the relationship. It is so easy to get caught up in the allure of dating someone older, and you have to make sure that that isn't what attracted you in the first place. You also have to be able to develop a really thick skin to absorb all of the judgements that people are going to have for you if you make your relationship public. Can it work out for you? I don't see why not. If it's genuine and the feelings are real, the sky is the limit. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, and I'll even venture to say that unless someone else brings it up, age isn't even a factor in our relationship when we're together. Good luck! Listen to your head, but give yourself room to follow your heart as well.

Thanks for the pep talk! I have to admit, as soon as I posted this, I started thinking about it again, and sent him a text message...I didn't get a response, but that could just be because at his house, he gets bad cell reception, and the text could be delayed (but who's making excuses for him?!) In the worse case scenario-he doesn't contact me--can I eventually call him or write him, or something, just to let him know that he's the scum of the earth, and I can't believe he did a total 360??!

I am really confused. I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost 3 years (February), and we are (or were) really close. At first, we had sort of an open relationship, but that QUICKLY changed, and we decided to be exclusive. There's not much that we won't do for each other, and we decided in the beginning that we were going to take it slow, and not rush things. I thought that was a great idea--in fact, it was almost two years before we said 'I love you' to each other. I thought that the last few months were the best we've ever had..we've been closer, and had some really deep exchanges of conversation. His mother even called me and told me during Thanksgiving that he had been talking about engagment to me. He had to go on a trip to Dallas with our boss (we're consultants), and then he was flying out to be with his family on Christmas (I stayed with my family because my grandmother is really sick) and all of a sudden, after the trip, he wouldn't pick up his phone. His brother called me about 2 days after Christmas, and asked me why we broke up...I told him that we hadn't..in fact, he had finally called me to tell me when his flight was coming in so that we could get together, and he had a special evening planned. His brother told me that he introduced another lady to the family on Christmas as a "friend", and when they asked what happened to me (they had just seen me on Thanksgiving!), he said that we were having problems. I confronted him immediately about it (I went up to the firm) and I let him know that I knew everything, and he said that he needed a to digest what we had discussed, and then we would talk because "of course he still loves me and he needed to explain to me what occurred at his house." 4 days have passed, and I haven't heard from him. I am so completely hurt and confused, and after knowing him for six years and dating him for three, I know that this is SO unlike him. Am I in a breakup, or what? What do I do?? Help!

I have been involved in a great relationship for 2 1/2 years. I met a wonderful person who has been my right arm AND left leg for quite a while. We've taken our relationship very slowly, and it has been the most fulfilling time of my life--he's interested in the things that I do, and is never too busy to listen, and I give him all the time in return. I am genuinely happy... We have kept our relationship exclusive and secret--no one knows. He's rather well known in the community, and so am I--we're in the same field. We sat down recently, and had a serious talk about the direction of our relationship, and although we both want to continue to take it slowly, he wants us to finally affirm our relationship to other people. I am so afraid of that, because of our circumstances, this is going to be bad--I have NO intention, however, of halting the relationship because of what other people think. The catch? I'm 21. He's 40. I see no problem with our relationship--we're both college graduates with excellent, well paying jobs (I'm a consultant and he runs his own firm), and we're pretty much equal. I am really afraid of stirring up gossip and rumors, and more importantly, disappointing my parents, who I know will not approve. I can only trust my heart, and know that it feels right to me..I've known him for a long time, and I know that he loves me--he's not a cheesy old guy that is trying to take advantage of me... Do I tell? And should I feel bad???