notsurewhattodo

apparently its mainly the fact that she is sort of flaky, always having issues and really not being direct towards me. My current Fiance has started to become how we should say (voyeur to the ladies online) and her biggest thing is "playing" on cam. One day i told her there were some females who wanted to watch us and yes the other "gurl" was one of them, she found out later (real) and said how cruel it was to show the other gurl what she couldnt have. just the other day the "other gurl" asked me for money for a "procedure" seems she had gotten preg and needed help, my ethics wouldnt allow me to help her. So you see i am quite founded in my love for ****** and not at all worried about the flirting, its just part of being online. thanks for your postive comments. feel free to link removed[/i]"]email me if you would like to chat some more.

Hello everyone, Just an update. Me and the other gurl (internet gurl) are now friends, although she still comes on to me sometimes. **** is pregnant with our first child (13 weeks) and we are to be married in may sometime. thanks all for the comments Jay

hello ilse Thank you so much for getting back to me, unfortunately we were a little too late, **** found out the other day, she started being very suspicious of me and paid more attention then i realized. It all came to a head today around 6am when she bursted in on me and started screaming about "what the other was doing for me) the door had been locked but she pounded on it and i let her in, but not BEFORE locking the pc, she demanded that i unlock the pc and let her see the woman on the other side which i refused and rebooted the pc. She started hitting me and going hsyterical eventually she dead fainted in the room, obviously i took her in the bedroom and sat her down (the fact that *** was waiting totally escaped me at the time) In the bedroom i told ***** that she had nothing to freak about, for the past few days ***** has been vomiting and having trouble sleeping, she goes and starts crying for no reason and i have tried to tell her to calm down. I went back into the office and locked ***** out of all the drives and what not except for explicit stuff only in her profile, and then i told her i was going to bed and she needed to do the same (it being almost 7 am now) at 8 i awoke to the look of a cold and white faced ***** looking at me from accross the room, i asked her what was wrong and quickly jumped up to run in the office, and there on the screen was a home video i had sent to ****** telling her how much i was falling for her and other things, now im not gonna bore you with tech details, but i had left this video and a couple other (more graphic) ones on the C drive, which ANYONE could have access too. ***** screamed at me and asked if this is what i do while she was away at work in the daytime, i had no answer for her and quickly wrestled her away and deleted the videos from the drive. I took ***** into the bedroom again and she just laid there shaking and crying telling me she was a good gurl and that she didnt deserve this, oddly enough after a few minutes we ended up making love and it was intense lasting over an hour. during this time she kept professing that she loved me with all her heart. when she finally settled down she started to listen to me tell her a little about ***** and some of the details, i have never told her **** name but one of the videos actually had her name on it, so she still doesnt know for sure who she is but she knows what state shes in (i told her that much) ****** says she knows what ****** is feeling knowing there is someone out there so far away that loves you, and she recalled when we finally met how her heart jumped, and she said that **** is probably feeling the same. as i write this **** has just returned home and she had another fit of crying, she has had her grandparents take her to the hospital, even though i explained this wasnt a health condition. she kept crying telling me that she was supposed to be the last and that i promised i would never hurt her, which both are true and i meant it when i said it. i already can see the change in her, she mentioned that the dreams she had and the visions she could see us in are no longer there, and that she still loves me and would be willing to put this behind us if i just tell ***** the truth. another point she made is she will no longer be able to trust me and everytime im in my office she will think that i am with ******, so as you can see this is killing me and her, and ***** is still completely unaware of this whole thing, and yet i sit here and wonder what im gonna get her for her birthday coming up. I didnt ask for this and NONE of it was intentional, but i am sure in a lot of pain now, I told **** the reason she hasnt told me to go and get out is because she will think that then i will run to **** and she will lose no matter what, and she agrees that that is what she feels. ***** cried and said "why cant you love only me" and she sobbed on my shoulder, and the truth is i just dont know how this could be, but it is. as far as your comments about the buddy list she doesnt even use messenger ever hardly anymore, her cousin who i enlisted for support says she talks about me to everyone, and ill let you read what she wrote me in an email when she sat down to tell me her life story. " Well, now I met this great guy, who I can see myself marring, having kids with and watching our children grow up and have children. I think that ******* would love to have a father like you. Well anyways, if you were to ask me to marry you I would say yes. Even if it was to happen now. I would like you to show me how serious you were about it though." i believe that you could be right about the "other guys" but since we have perfected our communications we have just sat and watched each other for hours, the other night i watched her play with her son, and have dinner with her family as well as do the dishes, so we are connected alot, if there is another guy as you put it, no one knows he exists but her. I thank you for reading this and i understand how hard it is, can we love more then one person, i believe with love anythings possible, i just dont know what the outcome will be. oh and BTW your comment about being serious went out the window when she showed me a plane ticket to come to ***** very soon, i guess we will more then likely meet at my friends house. I just dont know....................... these are the comments from her cousin " Ok *******, here it goes. I believe you are very lucky to have found someone like ****** and I think you should hold on to him unless there is some way of you not thinking you can handle this type of relationship. I also feel that he truly loves you with all of his heart and that you should take this chance and go for it. Who knows what will happen in the long run." just giving the info

Is there a place where i can stick this post and get a response, im sure someone out there has SOME advice on this???? Jay

Hello to all, It seems like an eternity since i wrote here last about me and kim in sioux falls, needless to say that finally ended back in july of 2004, then i returned to south dakota in september 2004. I was reunited briefly with my daughter sierra in october of 2004, but after only seeing her a couple of times kim vanished again. while trying to get my life together i met A WONDERFUL woman named briannan, and although i had feelings for her bri and i would never work out. around december of 2004 i met a special lady on "blah" verizons phone network, and her name is *****, well after E dating with ***** for a couple months i decided to try to start my life again in *****, so i transfered my job there to be with her. when i met **** she wAS STILL LIVING WITH HER GRANDPARENTS AT 25 AND A VIRGIN, AFTER A MONTH OF VERY CAREFUL LOVE AND PROGRESS I MADE LOVE TO HER IN HER BASEMENT, AND SUBSEQEUNTLY CHANGED OUR LIVES. me and ***** now live in ****** in an apartment, we have been together for coming up on a year, and yes i do love her. Heres the problem, i do alot of late night work online and yes i chat with others. While chatting i started talking with *****, now ***** is just 18 and had a son named **** 5 months ago, although i had never seen ***** i was intrigued by her drive and resolve to get things done no matter what. over a couple weeks we spent many nights with me trying to help her fix her pc remotely (as she is in *****) and using the company network i was able to fix most of her problems, and this should have been the end. i dont know how this happened, but one day she turned on her webcam and we were on the phone (i think 4 hours that night) trying to fix it, for when i viewed it it just showed a green light, we finally after a many hours got it to display a picture in green or blue (depending on which way you tilted it) since i couldnt make out ***** features even with the cam, i came to like her for her attitude and personality, not her looks. I will admit that when we were on the cam for the first time she flashed me her breast, and even in the green it was very lovely. I woke her the next day by having phone sex with her while she lay in bed, and i was to find out after that this was her first time doing anything like that. during this time **** had gone away for the weekend and i had the house all to myself (i know how all this sounds and im sorry if it bothers everyone) i cleared my calls list really not thinking anything bad of it, and went about my life. A few days later ***** bought a new camera, and i was busy for the next couple of days so i didnt get to see it, but the anticipation was killing me. during this time i sent her some very risqe pictures of me, and she said they turned her on to no end. one night i finally got to see her cam, i will never even now forget the first sight of her, she had blonde streaked hair, acute little nose and her face was almost a dead twin for kims!!!!!! only younger. I now had a big problem, and that was she was pulling me to her just because how she looked, well to make a long story short the other night we " played" on cam together both of us revealing our inner special parts to the other, and she said after she had never done anytihng like that either. I will add that she has over 80 guys on her friends list, and since i have been in her pc to help her they only want the one thing form her, and she is always having these local guys say they will meet her and then they stand her up, and furthermore her ex that she left after her baby was born is also named ****. all of this is happening while **** sleeps in the other room, and to ultimately complicate matters **** is now trying to come see me, she is talking about a road trip soon, she has no car but she knows people who do and i think she might actaully try to come here. **** has noticed i stoppped touching her and that im awake in this room all night lately, she has said that she wants to go to her mothers for a bit, and that i dont love her anymore, even though she doesnt know about ****. I am faced with real hard decisions, because it looks like unintentionally **** senses that i dont love her, which isnt the truth really i do, its just..... i am finishing my schooling here then me and **** had planned to move back to *** where im originally from, and get married someday, now i am so scared as **** has become the center of my thoughts and **** knows something is wrong, but not what. **** has talked about falling in love (yes it CAN happen, read my posts from last year) over the net with me, and i have told her i feel the same. **** thinks that the reason i cant come see her is my job is with the high tech computer guys with uncle sam and im restricted from going anywhere, this is ok as long as she doesnt come see me, another problem is i gave her an address while i dont live there it was my first address in *****, my mail is forwarded to my present address, so if she mails me something ill get it, and guess who has the key to the mailboxes. i am so confused, i feel for **** and she is just starting out in life and i am 9 years her senior, i love **** but **** haunts my thoughts, its been a week since i touched **** except for the obligatory kiss now and then, it hurts me to see **** this way, and tears me to know i cant wait till ***** comes online so we can be together for awhile. this started out purely sexual and the haunting of kims face and image is making it get even worse in my head, even know as i write this **** is getting ready to call me online (using skype) she was told i have no phone because of security issues) and talk her day away, and she went to bed at 7 am after talking with MOSTLY me through the night online, we dont just talk about sexual stuff, we learn aobut each others lives and realitys. if i could post kims pic and hers you would see the haunting in it, do i love ****, i think i do, i dont know how thats possible but then again i dont know much anymore, do i love ***** yes i always will ..... what to do, like i said i just dont know and this scares me, so i guess im back to the place i once found help and healing hoping and praying for a sense of comfort and guidance. ***** made the statement that she could so see being my wife someday, and was absoutely crying last night on cam and skype when she realized i wouldnt be able to see her for christmas, as insane as this is i think we all know im up against it. I think ***** wants a life with me, and although i dont know how or when or the details i want one with her and her new son ***** as well. please reply with something constructive, i already have admonished myself for all this so a lecture isnt in order, a real answer or track to follow is however, i know someones gonna get hurt i just dont know how or what to do. thanks everyone for listening to me, and if this is in the wrong spot please move it somewhere appropriate. (btw i had thought of **** or **** seeing this post, but thats the chance i take, as i think neither of them frequents here, well i KNOW *** doesnt, not to sure about ****, who swore she didnt want to be hurt again (hinting she might have had issues in her last relationship where she sought guidance) please feel free to contact me at link removed[/i]"]jay@link removed Jason Maryland

hello, my name is (jason) notsurewhattodo, and if you are a regular member of this forum then you already know who i am and my history. i have written some explosive and drawn out posts in the past and if you read them you have felt my pain. i could write an entire novel on my current situation but i will not, i will give you the very basic details then i will let your questions be my guide. i met this woman after returning from maine (previous topics) and we initially have met on the phone not in person, and before i could meet her she went west. we continued talking for a while before she came back and i couldnt get her out of my head. there is a TREMENDOUS amount of background info i am leaving out for now. needless to say i have known her for a little more then two months and in that time have fallen in love with her, i will post a FULL account of the time we have been near each otehr on a later date. this woman seems to care for me very deeply, but she also spends time with other men as well, we have never defined our relationship as being a couple, but we are sexually active on a very frequent basis (once a night) i started to fall in love with this woman after some events in my life which we will get into later on, and have since felt very strongly about her. i firmly believe that her history and our time together has generated some feeings for me from hewr, but she has never confirmed this. i am 26 years old and she is 21 and i have a 3 year old daughter. she has told me that hse wants to settle down in two years with marriage and two kids by 23. i am continously in great emotional pain when she sees other men and continues to see me, i wouldnt call it jealousy but it hurts and even at times can completely distract me form other things. there is an overwhelming amount of background info to talk about, but i wanted the basics out first. i have told this woman that i love her and want to be with her, and she has never given me an answer. im not a child but i do love her very much and want her with me. i have done enormous things to make my life suitable for her and hava also done almost everything i can think of to let her see how i feel. please just fill this with your comments, and i will answer any questions you have god bless all the lonely people during this holiday season, may your heartys be filled with the love of christ (if that is your belief) ill check back soon Jason

well, hello all i just got off the phone with my ex kim, and some of this is hard to write but i will anyway, it appears she is involved with someone right now, his name is Nate, and it turns out he is the best friend of ben, my ex best friend who kim slept with, its very confusing, i guess nate is very afraid that once ben gets out of jail (soon) that kim will go back to him, and kim says thats NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, but i dont know i still miss kim very much, and i know walking back into that town, is like walking into a ring of fire, and i am DEATHLY afraid, but it has to be done, and soon, my daughter turns three in october, and i AM GOING TO BE AT HER BIRTHDAY, if at all humanly possible. i guess i love her to this day, but she doesnt have any love for me, altohugh those comments about her wide awake and at stop lights are confusing. i guess the last thing to point out that needs interpertation is the fact that lately for the past two weeks kim has started calling me at home, usaully around 6 am her time 7 mine, and she will talk about everything and nothing, but i am usaully half asleep, and i will just listen to her voice, i get to talk to sierra before daycare, then kim drops her off, and talks to me all the way to her work, and i have asked her why she calls me all the time, she just says real quietly " i love talking to you" i dont knoww what to make of it, and continuing advice is appreciated, i had some DYNAMITE advice from "wigglE" but she has since vanished, so any one with something to say, espicially if you have ever been in a simialar situation (is there ever two alike) for now i still love kim, but im not in love with her, i just dont know, i hope i could be strong enough b ut i JUST DONT HONESTLY KNOW. jay

well, hello all i just got off the phone with my ex kim, and some of this is hard to write but i will anyway, it appears she is involved with someone right now, his name is Nate, and it turns out he is the best friend of ben, my ex best friend who kim slept with, its very confusing, i guess nate is very afraid that once ben gets out of jail (soon) that kim will go back to him, and kim says thats NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, but i dont know i still miss kim very much, and i know walking back into that town, is like walking into a ring of fire, and i am DEATHLY afraid, but it has to be done, and soon, my daughter turns three in october, and i AM GOING TO BE AT HER BIRTHDAY, if at all humanly possible. i guess i love her to this day, but she doesnt have any love for me, altohugh those comments about her wide awake and at stop lights are confusing. i guess the last thing to point out that needs interpertation is the fact that lately for the past two weeks kim has started calling me at home, usaully around 6 am her time 7 mine, and she will talk about everything and nothing, but i am usaully half asleep, and i will just listen to her voice, i get to talk to sierra before daycare, then kim drops her off, and talks to me all the way to her work, and i have asked her why she calls me all the time, she just says real quietly " i love talking to you" i dont knoww what to make of it, and continuing advice is appreciated, i had some DYNAMITE advice from "wigglE" but she has since vanished, so any one with something to say, espicially if you have ever been in a simialar situation (is there ever two alike) for now i still love kim, but im not in love with her, i just dont know, i hope i could be strong enough b ut i JUST DONT HONESTLY KNOW. jay

wouldnt it be WEIRD if somehow she read these boards, i have never heard of it hahppening, but you never knbow!!! hi sarah!

well heres an idea, how about the secret admirer thing, i could bring a rose or teddy bear with a "typewritten" card or poem in it, this would have to be done at night because there are too many people in the day around there, and someone would eventually tell her they saw me, so i would leave it by her door at around 9 or ten, and even though she is home i would be careful, and she wouldnt see me, nor would anyone else, and she would find it in the morning i would slowly leave hints to who i was in the cards, and girls are always flattered by gifts, and she would be intrigued for sure i dont think this is considered stalking, but i am not sure any ideas i like this one, it is a low profile engagment, no harsh confrontations jay

wow thanks for the advice, but now im even more confused, just walk up to her when she is outside and ask her if she needs help with her groceries, its sounds crazy, but it could work,, and as far as talking t o her when she is out on a walk, wouldnt she feel threatened being stopped. lots to think about, she walked by this morning wearing a blue halter top and it was the most beuatiful thing in the world,(even though she is a big girl, i still can see beauty in the way she walks by, she holds herself like a person who is tired and weary yet very alert, she is an angel, but so far away, keep the advice coming jay

well hello, i usually write SAD stuff here, but today i want to ask some questions and throw out a situation on the table, i am hoping for all sorts of answers, so get your thinking caps on, because IM STUMPED heres the deal: i have been staying with my father in the trailer park where i was raised while i am visiting maine, and finishing up my work here before i go back to south dakota in october, and while here i have sorta gotten into a "situation" that stumps me, one street over from my dad is a a trailer, it is in direct view accross the field from my dad and i can see it when i stand on the back porch, anyway there is a VERY BEAUTIFUL woman that lives there, now ill tell you flat out she is about 24-29 and she has 3 little kids, probably about 5 would be the oldest, two boys and a girl, i have seen them walking, and she is anywhere between 160-200 pnds, but it is kept nicely. her name is "sarah" and she is 5' 8" or so she has baby blue eyes and brown hair, i think the reason i have such an attraction is because she reminds me of my ex "kim" same build and she has very nice TOP SIDES if you know what i mean. in the weeks i have been here, i have seen her many times and on many occasions, she is always walking her kids around the park, and the other day she passed by in a hot pink jumpsuit, i missed this but my dad told me about it later, i watch her sometimes she sits in a plastic chair in her yard and watches the kids playing outside, and she smokes too. i dont know why i feel this pull to her, but i have already had a fantasy of having dinner with her, my dad says he would screw her but run after because of baggage, i would just like to talk to her, and the closest i got was when i first got here, i went up to her with my car, and asked her for directions, so she came up to my car and rested her chest on my car window, she had a tank top on, and i told her i needed to find a store (i knew damn well where it was) and she gave me directions and smiled. i told her thanks and boy she looked familiar, is her name (blah blah) she said no its sarah, and you dont look familiar. i have driven by her place at night on my way back from the towers and the same light is always on, it must be her bedroom. i am guessing she works for a call center or some bank but i dont know. there is no apparent "man" anywhere, i never see anyone walking the kids but her, there are never any other vehicles there, and she never is outside with anyone, my dad and gary (dads friend and the park manager) says she was engaged to a cop in the park, but she wears no ring, and they said this guy cuts her lawn, but i have never seen this guy at all, so i do believe unless she locked him in a closet she is more then likely single. i got behind her on the way out of the park one day, and couldnt help but chuckle at the license plate on her car, it says BANANAZ lol so i know its just a dream, but how the hell would i ever get to talk to her, by all normal rights i dont know her, and should never end up meeting her, so i am stumped, i put it to you enotalone people as to waht to do. this is a tough one ISNT IT at least it is not sad (for the record, I AM NOT STALKING THIS WOMAN, I DO NOT PEEP IN HER WINDOWS, READ HER MAIL OR FOLLOW HER CAR, I AM JUST INTERESTED IN TALKING WITH HER, AND YES MAYBE GETTING SOME BOOTY IF THE CARDS GO RIGHT) jay

" You never got over her, not even a little bit" Those were the words out of my mother's mouth as we sat in her car today before work, and as I ate lunch at the waterfalls in a park in Lisbon before work I realized to myself SHE WAS RIGHT! Before I go further it may pay to read here for background, link removed I am no longer posting it in new topics because it is VERY LONG; if you do care enough to offer me advice, please READ IT ENTIRELY Faced with the fact of going back there isn't easy, neither is believing I will never see my own daughter again, but the truth is I am going back, and after the phone call I had with Kim last night, I am MORE DETERMINED THEN EVER, she basically said I committed THE ULTIMATE SIN, and abandoned sierra, and I asked her what I had to do to prove to her that wasn't true, she said "come back" and that I wasn't ever going to do that. I'm not telling her of my return until I am back there again, and she is very weird shifted to me, one day she calls and wants to talk, and is very affectionate, other days I don't hear from her for a week, but one of her CLOSEST FRIENDS, catches her crying at night (WHEN SHE Doesn't have a man over that night that is) and asked her what is wrong, did you know even though she never kept a picture of me in her house, that the one sitting by her bedside is of me and her, I was shocked. She tells her friend Allison that after everything she realizes she made a mistake, she never says I want him back; she just cries and says, " I miss him so much aly, and sierra does to" PLEASE UNDERSTAND IM NOT TRYING TO "SEE THIS MY WAY" I AM ONLY GIVING YOU THE INFORMATION I NEED TO FOR ADVICE. Sometimes aly will run into Kims room, (Allison lives with Kim) because Kim will wake up screaming, and she has grabbed her in the dark and said hold me jay, im so scared) more then once. And lastly, Kim will sometimes stand at a stop light staring and when aly tells her to "go!" Kim just shakes it off and does, when asked what is up, she looks at her with a tear in her eye and says I was thinking of a time when Jason was here, we would go to (someplace they were by, or some restaurant) and have so much fun, then she will say " god help me I don't know what happened" So that is the update, if you read the link, you know what is going to happen (my choices) if not when you reply I will know, because this isn't EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG, and the background info will help you. Thank you. Jason

are you serious, she said she wanted to DO MORE with you, so go for it, hell take ehr cousin too (jk) she obviously like s you dont hurt yourself on thinking (im ripping nike off (JUST DO IT

Hello, this is Jason, I realize it has been a very long time since I updated this subject, but I think I need to get some advice at this time in my life. I am not going to concentrate too much on the details of some things, but will try to be specific in details on others. Bear with me............... After I returned to my hometown in Maine, I started healing from the devastation that I had suffered out in south Dakota, I started to track down some old friends and just lead the single life for awhile, it was funny the further I drove from Kim and that state, it was almost like a cloud was being lifted. When I got to old orchard beach, a beautiful seaside town in Maine, it was I who called to talk to my daughter, and that was when I ran into the first sign of trouble, Kim told me her and Ben were going to marry, she was moving and that I would never see sierra again, that sierra was calling Ben daddy and she was encouraging it, I was so enraged I told her nothing and I mean NOTHING would stop me from seeing sierra, I even foolishly threatened to kill Kim if she got in my way (all that stunt earned me was a restraining order (it was never filed) but Kim had gotten to me, even from so far away. I didn't contact Kim for over a month and although I missed sierra with all my heart I needed to heal and this wasn't going to happen as long as I heard Kim's voice, it is so strange how someone I didn't even love anymore could captivate me like that. Well, now it is just after the fourth of July and I had a blast, I am working in radio again and have made some new "friends" I see them every so often, but we have no commitments and there are 8 of them, they are all nice girls, but I don't love them and they don't love me. Well as you can all imagine time doesn't stop just because we want it to, so I got in touch with Kim again, I never knew I would find out the things I did, and hear the things I did, some of this is highly controversial, but none of the people out here were ever judging, so I am hoping it will be that way now. Around July 7th 2004 phone call When I got on the phone and I spoke to sierra, she said love you daddy, and that took me to pieces, I missed my daughter so much I cant even tell you, so after I talked with her I spoke with Kim, who sounded like she had been crying, and I asked her what was wrong, she told me her whole life was falling apart, her and Ben had been together, and it was all great, she told me she never wanted to hurt me, but that she never loved me as much as she loved him, like I needed that, but I put on a strong face and let her continue (after this call I cried my eyes out more on that later) she said that they had an amazing relationship full of love and understanding, after she met bens parole officer she asked that his curfew be dropped so he could live with her, and it was, after that things went downhill, Ben started staying out late, he lost his job, and on several occasions Kim caught him at friends with other girls, she was so hurt when he lied to her, at this point she said she didn't want to go any further, because I would " say I told you so or "rub it in her face" I told her I don't do that and to continue telling me what happened. DETAILS OMMITTED))))))))) So the final showdown happened one night at bens moms house, apparently Kim went over there with her roommate and friend Allison, and started a fight with the girl she found there, Ben jumped into the fight and Kim hauled off and decked him, she beat the krap out of him, giving him two black eyes and a busted nose and a fat lip. Before he wrestled her to the ground, he was trying to get her to calm down and wasn't hurting her, but in the struggle he accidentally gave her a black eye, before this had happened Ben made a very bad mistake a few minutes earlier while Kim confronted him, he told her he was tired of her control freak attitude and told her to back off, she told him "were going to have a baby and your telling me that" he pushed real hard on her stomach and said "lets just kill it, I don't want it anyway" that was when Kim went psycho on him, the police were called and Ben was arrested, not for striking Kim in the eye, but I guess he violated the lacey Peterson law, which states its unlawful to harm an unborn child, the big problem was been was on parole, and his sentence remaining was 6 years, he was in a lot of trouble. They took Ben away and Kim refused to press charges, although the da did automatically, well needless to say Ben is now back I prison Kim has "miscarried" due to enormous stress and I'm still here in maine, Kim was forced to give up her beautiful house, (the one she and Ben had) and now lives in a small two bedroom in the middle of the downtown area, and she is surviving by working at a front desk in a hotel, she is unable to finish her college education now and my daughter is now in daycare all week, she has come along way down ward from when she owned her own daycare and had a beautiful house in the west side of the town, I told her not to get involved with Ben, but she didn't listen to me, now she is seeing the other side. In recent weeks Kim has been calling my house and leaving messages on my machine, its mostly sierra talking, but Kim is coaching her, saying things like daddy please come home, love you daddy miss you, these calls are tearing at my heart, and a friend asked me the other day what I am going to do, well coincidentally to all of this stuff with Kim the station I own out there has gone down off air, and the company has gone bankrupt, forcing me to return to Sioux falls, I haven't really established a lot here, I wrapped up some lose ends, and said goodbye to old friends and old flames, I have a great job making lots of money, and a brand new car (2000 grand am) my other one died on the way here, and it lies in a Maine junkyard somewhere. I will bee working with my friend in south Dakota, to help me get a place and a job so I can raise funds to take care of the station, but I am not leaving Maine until I have a stable setup waiting out there, I am trying to get back before sierras birthday, October 18th and I think this is plenty of time. As this comes to a close, the real thing weighing on my mind is what will I feel when I lay my eyes on Kimberly once again, sure it is easy to say I don't feel for her, being out here, but if that is so true why am I so afraid to call her, or why have I started snuggling up to a sweater of hers just recently. Could there be a future after all this for my family, or am I just fooling myself, and even if there would be it would never be like it was, that was way to toxic, but I have to be honest with everyone, I am PETRIFIED to my core of what will happen when I see her again. I have been told through good sources that she went under the knife and weighs just over 150 pounds, and she has her nose and tongue pierced and she now has blonde hair, sounding like an extremely attractive piece of ass, (lol) but I am trying to convince myself in the little time I have left here, just what will happen when I return, what is fair and what is not, I ask for massive advice from anyone who has it to give, I still have many things to say and would welcome any thoughts. One last thing, last night I got real drunk and was all alone, I believe I called her in the night, and said I missed her and that I was holding her sweater, and longed for her, I know I was drunk (8 sex on beach, two captain Morgan's, and 4 coffee brandy's) and my voice was slurred, and she hasn't returned my call today. Oh well sh** happens I LOVE YOU SIERRA DADDY WILL SEE YOU SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!