SilverSurfer

i think it really depends on the circumstances that you broke up that determines who's court the ball is in. while i would say that in most cases, the person who breaks up should be the one to decide if the relationship is worth pursuing again. but there might be a situation whereby the person who ends the relationship ends it because he/she didn't have a choice. then the perogative should be with the other person to reconcile and bring the relationship back together.

We're all entitled to our own opinion and choice... and if others choose to put you down for whatever reason, you must recognise that they are just being pushy with their opinions. You shouldn't have to feel silly if you know that there are valid reasons behind your choice of actions. I would just walk away from such arguments... why carry on? It's as if these people are putting others down only because they need assurance that their course of action is correct.

lagsalot, IMO, no one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. We're just hurting ourselves by staying in one, and if no therapy is sought, the abuser will find it difficult to change. it's a lose-lose situation. but i'd like to point out that some people do choose to remain in an abusive relationship... e.g. when children are involved, or when the abuser is able to fess up and seek out therapy. you will have to decide if you can accept your gf's behaviour and if this is what you want. do not hope for her to change; these things take a long time, even with therapy and it's not your responsibility to change her; it's ultimately hers. if she makes leaving the relationship difficult, you could perhaps enlist the help of a friend to keep an eye on her... and when you do decide to leave, do so firmly without looking back. putting up with abuse isn't an easy thing, you've definitely been more than just understanding! realise that perhaps she's been blaming you for the problems in the relationship, but in actuality, it's her behaviour that's making the relationship not work. you might also want to seek some counseling yourself; the counselor could work with you to perhaps improve things, or to explore methods to bring your gf to counseling.

just like any argument, the lines that are exchanged during a breakup are mostly 'sugar coats'. in some ways, because we want to minimise the hurt, the stuff we say then won't always accurately reflect our feelings... which will also change post-breakup.

radiotone, i looked at a few of your more recent posts, and i get the idea that the relationship gradually fell apart because of the distance involved. it appears that the both of you are also at different stages in life as well. it would be a good time to step back and evaluate the direction you should be taking. long distance relationships are more likely to succeed if there is an achieveable end point in sight... ie. the couple gets back together after x years etc. at this point it might be hard to let her go... but things will definitely improve with time. try not contacting her for a bit and see how your feelings may change. friends... call them, go out with them... don't be alone because that only makes you think of her.

I think the first step is for you to convince yourself that the relationship isn't worth maintaining. the both of you have insecurities to deal with as well as the various problems that crop up in the relationship. are the both of you willing to work these issues out? having tried 7 times over 3 years, i'm guessing that you've both tried to iron the issues out, but were not successful. it's definitely normal for you to experience the feelings you've felt thus far. you still have feelings for her, and to your heart, it's as if you're still in a relationship with her. so when there's a 3rd party, or a new person in her life, you would feel jealous about the competition. the best way forward is for you to face up to the issues in the relationship, and accept the fact that you should move on.

i'm glad you found those websites useful... they definitely helped me realise what i was up against. it's taken me some 4-5 months to reach step 3. i'm nearly there... almost... almost. i really feel as if i've gotten back what i lost... and more. realise that we were dealing with a borderline personality... it's different from what others had. we didn't have a healthy relationship, the rules of getting back together don't apply when the relationship is abusive. here's a little advice which i've found useful -- whenever you find yourself thinking of your ex, or the relationship... just pause and (force yourself to) smile. it helps to let go of the painful memories. Perhaps it will solve your chest pains as well. good luck walking the road to closure and healing yourself... i walked that road this summer.

Empathy, There will always be "the one that got away". And with the resulting hurt and pain from the breakup, we become stronger ourselves, and prep ourselves for the next big thing to come along. Perhaps you could explore other avenues for meeting guys; you're 19 -- there's bound to be significant changes to life as you know it. Don't be bogged down by the setbacks today.

Confused and hurt, you summed it up really well here! i'd just like to add that the 2nd chance applies not only to a loving relationship, but also to friendships as well. good to know you've managed to identify the issues that affected the both of you. many times we're so caught up with our own issues and the fact that the relationship didn't work out that we forget to analyze the situation from the other person's perspective. my advice to you would be to take things slowly, and expect nothing out of it. sometimes, when we realise certain things (especially with issues of the heart), the resulting euphoria makes us move a little too quickly. since everything's starting from scratch, and both of you have changed, expect new issues / problems. only you can tell if that thread of hope is worth holding on to; if you want him back in your life, then it's definitely worth working on it!

you're hurting for a good reason, you still have feelings for her. but your mind has to be stronger than your heart here, because we both know that our feelings will bring us nowhere with our exes. i used to hold out for change, but as each day goes by, i'm becoming more and more convinced that change will never happen quick enough. read the forums on link removed... as well as link removed. there's quite a bit of information that's useful -- although i find that most of the posters on these sites tend to be rather forceful with their posts at times, because they have been painfully affected by abusive / BPD loves ones. as for the pain going away... i guess there's no quick shortcut here. it's taking me ages, but recently i've been getting much better alot faster. time does heal... everytime i'm tempted to communicate with her, i remind myself of what happened the last time i tried. it was a disaster... she switched within a matter of days and everything just came crumbling down... with immense hurt on my part. i don't want it happening again, ever.

stomacstress, i chanced upon the avatar from someone else's website. thought it was SO fitting i won't deny the fact i'm hoping she will one day change. yet i know that this is a near impossible thing, and even if she were to accept what she's done, any change would take a long time. we're both a year away from graduation and trying a 2nd time for a relationship would mean having to change career plans for one of us. this seems an unlikely outcome, so i really do have the answer in front of me. this is my one weakness, holding out for an optimistic outcome even when the odds are really stacked against it. the posts you've read were written some time back; i didn't read about BPD till only a week ago. much of the confusion has since been cleared. i've finally understood why she behaved the way she did and i'm able to finally accept her actions wholly. you're right, i've decided that i shouldn't send a birthday card this weekend. it will make little difference and i'm putting myself at risk of unnecessary hurt. which bits are you confused with? feel free to drop me a pm.

stomacstress, read your post and was amazed by how strikingly similar your situation is to mine. we dated for about 8 months, and despite all the problems we were having, i just didn't know what was going on. i ended the relationship, only to later learn i put through quite a bit of verbal and emotional abuse. this was some 3 months ago, and only last week did i pick up a book on BPD, and realised that her behaviour exhibited the symptoms of BPD. i'm no psychologist, but i've looked around several websites, and it's helped me understand why she behaved the way she did. the last week has been some sort of real nirvana for me. i've always said i've let go of the bitterness and resentment, but i realised i never did. but this week was different, and my feelings and mood have held up the whole week. back on topic, her birthday is this weekend, and i too am having difficulties deciding if i should send her a e-card. we're both foreign students studying at the same university overseas, so i'm bound to see her every day for a year when school starts. i'm glad to have read about BPD (the book: Stop Walking on Eggshells is a must read). originally i arrived at the same conclusion, that whether i dropped a card or not she wouldn't be happy. but it's not about making her happy is it? like you mentioned, you want to tell her that you didn't forget her birthday. i want to communicate to her that i still do *care* for her, and knowing about BPD has made it much, much easier to accept her past actions. i do not however, want the relationship back. like you, i've accepted the fact that our personalities do not fit, however good the good times may have been. yet i'm still healing, and don't want to be hoovered in by communicating with her so soon (school starts in 3 weeks, gives me a bit more time). sheesh! just penning some thoughts, am rather confused at the moment...

There isn't an age you should be aiming for... I think what's important is for both persons to be roughly in the same stage of life e.g. recently graduated etc etc. IMHO it seems tough when one person hasn't finished university, and the other has already started working.

I believe that you should communicate this to him. He should know the reasons for breaking up, and should he decide to, take steps to address these issues. Having been together for a few years, I think the both of you should be able to sensibly talk this out. My situation is somewhat similar to yours; I (painfully!) left my ex after 8 months because I could no longer tolerate her emotionally and verbally abusive behaviour. I didn't see a chance for a new relationship immediately but I hold on to the chance that we could get together again some time in the future. Some of my friends (wrongly) reckon i'm just being open-ended here; it's easier to say that I've left the door open and not sound too bitter. I do not know if this will happen; there are just so many issues between the both of us. I'm trying my best to solve my share and I'm hoping she's thinking about hers -- I've kept up NC for the past 3 months.

hubman, i keep on telling myself that that is the right way to do it, but i keep playing out in my head how i would react should i meet her, and those feelings of anger and distrust keep jumping out of my head. but i don't have any other choice in this matter i suppose. perhaps after a few meetings she will then decide to ignore me.