Its been a rough 6 months. Back in March I hit a streak of bad luck and managed to end a rocky 3 year relationship and get laid off in the same week. While both the relationship and the job were leading me nowhere, the transition has been rather difficult. I'm not one to deal with change very well.
I met my ex in college. We became good friends and the relationship remained platonic for about a year and a half. We never flirted and neither of us ever thought of each other as more than friends. Than during my senior year I went away for a couple of weeks and when I came back something had changed. We began hanging out more than we had in the past and soon we were falling for each other (despite the fact that she was dating someone 10 years her senior). Once she ended the relationship with her boyfriend, she and I began a tumultous on-and-off-again relationship. I loved her very much and I'm sure she loved me too. But the two of us just couldn't seem to exist as a stable, happy couple. Part of this had to do with drinking too much, but a lot of it had to do with the fact that we were both very insecure. I knew that she had dated many guys before we had met. Her experience with the opposite sex far outweighed mine. It wasn't so much that I was intimidated by this as much as it made me feel like I was just the next guy in a long line of flings. I felt disposable and interchangeable. And she didn't do much to alleviate these feelings. She would say things like "remember when we had sex that time and you accidentally broke the lamp?" And I would have to respond "that must have been someone else because I never broke your lamp while we were having sex." and it would really hurt that she would confuse experiences like that. It made me feel so unspecial. A number of occurrences like this happened. She would constantly do things that were hypocritical also. I wasn't allowed to even look at another girl when were out. But on a few occasions she would go out to dinner with a guy she used to date, stay out drinking until 4am, and then bring them back to her house to sleep on the couch. While I'm pretty confident that nothing happened (i know it sounds bad, but it would take too many words to get into why I think she didn't cheat on me), I felt it was a complete lack of respect for my feelings. And the worst part was that she couldn't understand why I was upset. When I tried to explain it to her by placing the shoe on the other foot, she would claim that if the roles were reversed, she would not be upset. But then I would do something as simple as get one drink with a mutual female friend of ours, and she would flip out.
So we broke up about 7 times over the course of 3 years. Sometimes for up to 3 months at a time, other times only a week. But we kept going back to each other. I'm not totally sure why. But I do have a history of holding onto relationships for far longer than I should. So this past winter we were really struggling. She was really depressed due to her job and a family situation. It was very hard for me to be around her because she was always complaining and asking for help with things. By this point in the relationship I had become so embittered by the way she had treated me that I resented her whenever she would try to lean on me. So we took a break. After about a month I could tell she was thinking about trying to work things out but I decided to walk away. It was a mutual break up. No screaming or crying. We just agreed to end it. We have not had any contact whatsoever since the middle of April. This has been extremely difficult due to the fact that we share the same group of friends. Than my job ended at the beginning of the summer and since then I've been sitting around my house. Its very difficult for me to get over the relationship when I have nothing to distract me. Up until about two weeks ago I was doing ok. The job search was really starting to bother me, but I was getting over the relationship. But then I found out that she's been dating someone for over two months. And he is 10 years older than her. I don't know why this fact bothers me so much, but it does. I guess it just touches on a nerve because I feel like I'm stuck in a very deep rut and she's dating a successful, established man. I feel like I'm back to square one. I'm having nightmares again. When I wake up in the morning I am soaking wet from sweat and my teeth hurt from grinding them all night. I have no confidence. And I have all the time in the world to sit around and feel like crap.
So I guess my question is, is it normal for your emotions to come roaring back when you find out that your ex is seeing someone new? How intense and how long should I expect these relapse feelings to last? Is it normal for the age thing to bother me? And finally, how can my rational mind know that I made the right decision in getting out of that relationship, but my emotions keep screaming that I want her back?
I'm just exhausted from struggling with this for so long. Thanks for reading this long post and I would really appreciate any feedback.
