Jerseygirl

hey everyone. I thought some encouragement from this cite would help. Basically I've been dating this guy for about a year already, we met my freshmen year at college, and now i am going into my junior year. The dilemma here though is that he graduated last year, so this is will be the first time i'm at school without him. I'm not worried about trust issues, just that it will be tough and different without him. At school I have a great group of friends and I will be living with all of them, but he would be my escape when I needed it, and ultimately my best friend. We are going to be 2 1/2 hours away from eachother, and we decided we'll obviously both visit eachother. But I'm just nervous. Nervous that I wont have any desire to go out; going out for me used to be exciting because I knew I'd be with him. Nervous that sometimes I'll feel voids in my day that would usually be spent with him. I know its silly and that a girl should be able to enjoy college without a guy in her life, but im just scared for the change and I was wondering if any of you have suggestions. I'm not scared for our relationship to weaken because it is very strong, I'm just scared of the change. I just dont know what to expect...please let me know what you guys think! Anything to lift me up! thanks jerseygirl

Well, for the longest time i've learned that this guy (been casually hooking up for a school year) isn't giving me all that i want, i don't feel appreciated to the fullest. After an 8th month long rltnship with his ex gf he has no desire whatsoever being anyone else's boyfriend for the rest of college (he has one more year). Everything was fine between us until I began realizing that I like him too much to just casually get together with him. It's not that we were really seeing anyone else but i DO want to feel that security and i do want to feel the appreciation; he hasn't even taken me out to dinner once. I don't necessarily even want to be his girlfriend but I want to feel appreciated. And Ive told him exactly that. He said "that's it right there! you don't think i appreciate you"....so i told him "well your mixed signals of wanting something more serious and then not wanting it, really throw me off.".. thereforeeee i tell him,numerous times already, that i just can't go on like this, i just hurt myself. He tells me "ok the last thing i want to do is hurt you" so after these types of convos I stop talking to him. After 2 or so weeks he'll contact me, start asking me if im wtih anyone and says that he would care if i were, and that he misses me (hes completely genuine and honest, one great aspect about him). He then would start calling me more and more and i act like i dont need him, that im happy without him etc. Finally though, when i see him i totally just give in and let him have too much... The last time i saw him this is exactly what happened. The night was incredible but stupid me ended up in his apartment! The next day he called me which was nice. Then that night he was online, but not as talkative or excited to talk to me as he was the night before when we hadn't seen eachother yet. So this is where I got upset. Usually at this point I would have been like "you know, i cant do this anymore, i keep getting myself into the same cycle etc." But this time i just didn't say anything. I've read somewhere that men don't respond to words , they respond to NO CONTACT. He told me to call him later which I didn't, because i saw no effort on his part to talk to me, so why should i call him? The next day he IMed me, but he could tell i was being somewhat aloof thus our convo ended quickly. Ever since then we haven't spoken....We've been online at the same time but no words exchanged. Now i'm pretty sure hes not contacting me because he's confused by me and perhaps doubtful of my feelings towards him (because of my constant distancing from him). This is where i get confused though. AM I PLAYING GAMES? I am keeping distant to protect myself, but is that games? Should i have had to first let him know why i dont want to contact him? But i've told him so many times! I feel like he gets the picture....or maybe does he just think im not interested (he jokes sometimes how he thinks i dont like him)? What should i do for my own best interest?

background info: he and I began being involved the night he dumped his ex (gf of 8 months)...the whole time he made sure to know that i know he doesnt want a relationship or anything serious like he had with the ex. He said she was over protective, jealous, all the bad things an ex could be.... As things progressed with us he got scared and backed away. thereforeeee i pulled further away resulting in him coming back saying hes stupid for wakling away from me, that im not his ex girlfriend and if things progress into a rltnship then so be it. However, this attitude of his faded when certain situations reflected that of a serious relationship...little things like me putting my head on his lap!! So now, I learned he cant give me what i want, but i have hope for something. In HS he was known as a great bf...until he got messed up by the previous ex gf. Ive realized im not getting what i want so i asked him what he wanted..he admitted he's confused and that it is unfair to me bc i receive all these mixed signals...thereforeeee i told him to do me a favor and dont give me anymore mixed signals...ever since that convo we havent really spoken....once he IMed me but wasnt making conversation, almost like he just acted on his impulse when he saw my SN pop up on his BL but then realized he wasnt supposed to talk to me... Anyways, im kinda confused. I think he took the convo as me ending things when i was merely telling him how i feel. thereforeeee he kinda "jumped the gun" and was like "you're right".....huh? i wasnt stating any solutions, just my feelings...i think he took it as "if shes gonna end it i should quickly agree with her so i dont seem like the guy who got dumped"...Hes worked this way before, so im pretty positive thats what happened. I didn't intend to make it so that we dont speak now (altho this will help me get over him)....I dont understand though, is he not IMing me because he wants to protect his ego from a girl who ( what he thinks) decided that getting together with him was not the smart thing to do...or is he respecting me by not giving me mixed signals (althohg IMing me wasnt what i meant!) The thing is, i know he would be contacting me now just like he was in the beginning of the summer, if i didnt bring anything up. Anyway, i absolutely dont intiate any contact but everyday i hope he'll call or IM me or text me....since this is what occurred in the past with him....but i always made a mistake....keeping physical contact. When he came around i would easily give in but now i realized physical and emotional are connected and i just cant do that anymore. If he does come around i know how i will act, i will not settle for less than i want!!!! im just wondering........and would like to think that he is missing me. I find it hard to believe that he isnt. I want to think that i am the one with more power here. I just wonder if its only ME who is looking at the sn and wishing he'd IM me....i wonder if he does the same to my sn?? I know this is such petty stuff but it kills me nonetheless and i would reALly love to get opinions...Looking at it with a psychological outlook, now that i told him i cant, won't he want it (me) more? I didnt go on no contact terms to make him want me more, i did it for myself, because i wasn't getting what i wanted, but i cant help but think what its doing to his mind......

hey, im in the same exact situation as you. He just got out of a serious relationship with an over protective, over jealous gf whom he dumped, so now as we've been hooking up he constantly made sure i knew that he didnt want anything serious. I agreed, but overtime, we've been involved since this past halloween basically, Ive grown many feelings for him, and now its just too hard for me to casually hook up with him with all my emotions tied down to him. I asked him waht he wants and he said he didn't know, sometimes he doesnt want anything, sometimes he does want it but then will tell himself that he doesnt. Anyways, i told him these ambivalent feelings of his reflect as mixed messages to me which he understood and felt sorry about. I told him "do me a favor and dont send me anymore mixed signals" After that i blocked him....recently i did unblock him but wasn't going to IM him...let him intiate anything if at all....he IMed me once, and i know he misses me. Now im acting like im done with him and have no more feelings for him. I say you do the same. I am really distancing myself living by the phrase "absense makes the heart grow fonder"....i think hes confused and needs time to think about things...if im gone i think that would be beneficial to the situation making him miss me you know? And next time im possibly in the circumstance of him trying to intiate something i'll let him know that im not just a sex buddy, its more of a serious thing......im trying to build up self worth now by staying away, i think you should do the same.....

thanks muneca.... thats exactly what i was thinking to say if he brought it up... not looking for a sex buddy... i think ive done pretty well so far...i've put the blame on MYSELF, not him, for me getting hurt, and i made it clear that it was ME who had the problem of just generally not being able to do such a casual thing with MYSELF having too many feelings...nothing about him, i told him he did nothing wrong (which actually is somewhat of a lie, but its not like he intends to hurt me at all)....

hey, thanks for the replies..... mr cactus...i feel like i need to give you more background. Ive opened up to him, ive told him what i want, without being needy. I told him i have too many feelings for him to just casually get together like we do. He then agreed that it was unfair of him to be giving me all these mixed messages resulting from his confusion of what he wants. He also thought it was HIS fault that i was getting hurt but i told him it was my fault i keep putting myself into these same situations. Anyways,i told him to please not give me anymore mixed signals....ever since then we havent spoken. So he knows why im unhappy and what i want...theres not much else to discuss with him as he is confused to what he wants.... Muneca, i do know i deserve more...its so hard though. Now, i dont have a problem with breaking NC bc he and i are not phone talkers to begin with....and online i will not IM him....but what do u suggest? to block him anyways? And also, eventually when he does contact me , bc i know him....and if he brings "us" up or tries to initiate something i can be like, wait you need to remember what i told you in the summer, right? i just want to know how i should act if he contacts me and if he thinks he can go back to me in the same cycle (which is likely bc in the past i kept going back, but this time i want him to know im serious)...

mr cactus, thanks for your reply and i agree with everything you said however, to clarify, i know i will not IM him I WILL NOT. However, from previous cirucmstances with him ive learned how he works and he does cave in. My problem is that altho i am using NC to dettach myself i also am pretty confident that it makes him miss me thereforeeee i expect to get IMs from him and check my phone frequently. Then when he doesn't i get sad...How should i overcome this cycle?

so i've blocked him online and its been 6 days i think since we have spoken. The last thing i said to him before saying goodnight was "i have one request, dont give me anymore mixed signals pleeeeease" [he gets confused as to what he wants, be it a relationship or just a hook up]. So obviously i know i need to walk away from this confused man, so ive been doing NC for myself b/c i need to get dettached, but i cant help but think it will make him miss me as well. Ive figured out how he works so i anticipate things....over these past few days of not talking ive been checking my phone for missed calls...hes usually not ballsy enough to call me [he has terrible, non-existent social skills, which is another story...] so what he does is IM me, thereforeeee when I got back home from a weekend away i needed to unblock his SN because i miss him... i want him to see im online and IM me now.... Im craving him so badly right now...and i know hes been thinking about me....i would NOT break NC but im hoping he does...is that bad? Also, i think about him a lot...is that deterring me from getting over him? Am i supposed to make myself not think about him?

i'm involved with this guy but we are very hot and cold. After the relationship with his ex gf he never wants one again so i settle for the step below a relationship but ultimately i want more. He broke up with her probably this past september and that night me and him kissed. Anyways ive heard that he treated her like gold. They were dating for 8 months. Supposedly he got [censored]around by her and said she was over-portective, jealous, etc. so he dumped her. In the beginning of our relationship though he would bring her up, telling me updates and how finally they are friends which he is very happy about. Sometimes online when she and him are on he will not IM me (my issues with the guy is a diff story, im currently not talking to him). the bottom line is i always feel like she'll always be #1 and ill always be #2. She even resembles me but sadly sometimes when im down i think shes a better version of me, perfect straight hair, immaculate skin, amazing body and very smart. Although ppl tell me im so much more special than she is in personality and looks, i still am sooo jealous of her. He tells me he wants to take me out to dinner, but never has, and obviously he has taken her out etc. My jealously for her has weirdly turned into a sexual attraction for her....and i am not bisexual. I think i subconsciously try and see what my guy had seen, sexually, in her. Ive had this happen to a muchhhh lesser degree with my ex bf and his new gfs but this time i have dreams about her being my friend and talking to me. I hate it, ive never been this jealous before and i hate how im attracted to her....whenever i see her my stomach turns and i get so nervous...what do i do, any suggestions??

so i have been having a casual, up and down ride with this guy for months now....he doesnt want a relationship so i 'settled' for the stage below it----we've both been home from school and i told myself i wouldnt contact him. Whenever i got online he would IM me...one time he even said "i just wanted to tell you that i miss talking to you and seeing you"....one night i got a phone call from him just telling me stories about his day, how he went out to dinner for his sister's bday etc. Clearly, i dont think im the only one who has emotional ties in this 'relationship' of ours...Anyways, i was heading into the city one night and since he lives there he asked if i could call him if i do end up going in. And so I did, he met me and my friends and we all went to his apartment. I stayed the night and it was incredible.when we were kissing he stopped and looked at me and told me "i missed you so much" The next day i knew exactly what i got myself into....the cycle again! now i wanted more from him , for him to tell me the next day how much he liked being with me etc. We had a fine convo but i wanted MORE. I wanted him to focus all of his attention on our convo but it took a while for him to respond. He did ask me if i had a good night but i wanted more more more. That same night i IMed him and just opened up..... I told him that i have too many feelings for him to do this casual thing. I always feel like i set myself up to get hurt. He said he loves spending time wth me but the last thing he wants to do is hurt me....i asked him what he wants..and he said "i dont know if i want anything, sometimes i really want to [get more serious with you] and sometimes i tell myself that i don't" ...clearly he has some problems that came out of his last relationship, hes so scared of relationships now...and honetly i dont know if hes fully over the ex whom he dumped so then i said...well all these different feelings of yours reflect as all different mixed messages to me... after a lttle he had to go and all i said was "i have one request, dont give me anymore mixed signals pleeease" i ended it civily by saying "hope your day in work is better tomorrow, goodnight" ok, now do you guys think this was good of me to do? is it a good segway for NC? because now i kinda just want to disappear to 1) emotinally dettach myself and 2) to make him think.....what do you guys think

so you guys think i should do full out NC? ok, i understand how that will help me but: 1) i start feeling bad when he tries to contact me and i dont respond...perhaps im too nice of a person...the thing is, i do not want to tell him that i need to do this...i think that will make me sound pathetic since we werent even dating and also, dont get me wrong, i DO want him to try and contact me..i just think i'll feel stronger by not having to tell him that....but if he IMs me or texts me..i IGNORE HIM? 2) the fact that we didnt go through any 'break up' leaves me naturally scared that by doing no contact, although it will help me dettach my emotions, will in turn make him lose his feelings for me...? i guess i want to dettach my emotions and at the same time have his feelings grow for me too...am i living in a fantasy or will doing NC increase feelings for one who you are still "involved" with?

please help me...my situation in a nutshell..... we got involved right after he broke up with his gf, never had time to heal he is honest, likes spending time with me but wants no relationship with any girl (he is a FRAT boy) everytime i feel unappreciated i back away, he comes back apologizing ....tells me he wants to take me out to dinner, tells me he only wants to be with me,,,after many apologies i give in his friends say he is less promiscuous than he usually is, perhaps because of me when he thinks he lost me he gets so scared, and feels so bad and because he is a genuinely nice, honest person i give in...but a few days later find myself in the same situation where i know i deserve better (for example, he tells me he wants to take me out to dinner, but never has) the last night of college he told me he would call me later so we can hang out....he passed out instead..next morning apologized and asked if he could call me later.. i acted indifferent now, at home...he IMs me, i never intiate contact.. we have short/nice convos.... bottom line is that i AM emotionally attached to something so unstable...all i want to say to him is that i miss him and want to see him but of course i wont do that. Where do i go from here? I gave him so many chances when he screwed up ppl tell me to forget about him....i have one more year at school with him, i dont want myself getting into the same cycle of accepting his apology and then learning that he doesnt change...backing away and then acceptng apologizes again....what do i do this summer so ican be a stronger person dealing with him? im trying to not be so available so he'll miss me, i know thats so pathetic...what do you guys think i should do?

as i sit and curse the male race i began to think that maybe its me that causes these problems. I am considered such a sweet, nice girl...and i know that i am a very passive person. All the relationships i've been in ive begun to realize that i get taken advantage of in that they dont appreciate me to the fullest. Recently, this guy ive been involved with for a while really does like me. However he doesnt appreciate me, and takes me for granted in my opinion as all of his friends are shocked that im even interested in him. I am very good at reading ppl, and i know that this guy is genuinely a warm hearted person, and has a great value of being honest. The problem is that i think he's confused. He likes me and i know that, but he wants to be a single frat guy after a bad rltnship with an ex (me and him started the night he broke up with her...so im sure he isnt fully dettached)... His desire to not be a relationship and his desire for me play a tug a war. And whenever i think the side of him not wanting anything wins, i try and pull away because i get hurt (ultimately i do want somethig more than a hook up, not neccessarily a serious serious relationship)....When this happens he comes to me, apologizing whether it be for passing out when he asked to hang out earlier or finding a girl in his bed the next morning, which both happened once. He gets scared to lose me because he likes me. Me being a very soft person will give in after a while, believing he will change. He would keep apologizing, telling me he wants to see me over the summer, telling me he wants to take me out to dinner, and the thing is , and im not being naive, he is HONEST. thats the one quality about him that is soo stable, so he does mean what he says.......The problem is, he never pulls through. Recently ive realized that its abnormal for the amount of apologizies he gives and the amount of times i accept and give in because yes he is genuine and honest but the point is, actions are louder than words...altho he tells me he wants to take me to dinner he never has... i dont know where im going with this but the last update was me leaving college....he apologized in a text for passing out the night be4 and asked if he could call me later before i leave... i told him "if you want to"..never heard from him and i left....we havent spoken, its been two days. I think he knows im upset with him...so i guess this means im doing NC? i want him to contact me though...oh god i dont know, i just need some advice

Well, the bottom line is that I figured out that my ex hook-up is a complete screw up. He has major problems about comittment and doesn't know how to deal with them. I constantly told him over and over again that I understand he doesn't want to be in a relationship and that I would be up for having fun as long as I don't feel like an undignified girl. And boy did he make me feel like one. One night after several rejections of an invite I finally agreed to go over and he treated me like his girlfriend (which was heavenly for me)..kissing me infront of his friends, huggin me, telling me he feels so comfortable with me and how he wants to call me "baby." Now this guy is the opposite from "slick" or "smooth" and doesn't come up with plans beforehand to perhaps get into my pants, he genuinely does what he truly feels and wants to do. The night was amazing, and so was the morning as he kissed me goodbye and told me he'd see me that night. The night came, I was over, he disappeared and so I left after having called him once and him not picking up. The next day I got an IM from him, and it fazed me that he could have been with another girl. I asked him saying it wasn't out of jealously but purely just to protect myself. He, always being honest, told me he did indeed wake up with a girl in his bed. I said "ok"...and he responsed "..so" and i said "so thats it"...he questioned "that's it?" then he said "i dont blame you, its entirely my fault" .. i said "yep" and haven't spoken to him since. Although he was technically "allowed" to be with other girls since we weren't going out, I felt as if he disrespected me as he knew I wasn't the type of girl who would want to be in that type of situation, as he indeed put me into that exact situation that I kept telling him I would not want. At this point I'm disgusted. I want nothing to do with him really. And I'm pretty sure he knows he f*cked up. I honestly think i've figured him out, and the fact that he was acting all 'boyfriendish" to me the night before subconsciously made him realize he needed to have some other random girl in his bed that night. Whatever it is I dont care. I'm officially upset and angry with him, and I want to start NC. Previously I've done semi-NC whereas he would IM me, I would be friendly and have light convos..and if I saw him out I would happily say hello. This time I dont want to act like that at all, he doesn't deserve that out of me. Now, my question is how do I go about NC...i definitely don't want to tell him it's what im doing, i want him to be left in the dark because he deserves no explanation...if he IMs me do i ignore him? I just dont want to seem immature and act b*itchy although i want to get the point accross that im not interested in him and that he screwed up and that was the final straw. Yes, he probably knows this already but i want my actions to coincide. I always gave in to him, and i want him to realize that this time is DIFFERENT. IM DONE WITH HIS BS. Do i respond to his text messages ( i assume will soon come as he realizes he lost me)? Do i respond to him online? or say hello, but act uninterested and end it quickly? I need some guidance here, thank you....

to make a long story short i've been involved with this guy for a few months, the whole time he kept emphasizing 'i love what we're doing now, let's just always be on the same page and know that i cannot be in a relationship..." he basically said he doesnt want one for the rest of college..whomever it may be because he just recently went through one and didn't like all the responsibilities, negative aspects that come along with it (the night they broke up she was abroad, and he and i started to hook up). Bottom line is that he is a fraternity brother and is just not looking for anyhting serious at all. As our relationship was progressing it basically turned into a rltnship without the title, soon enough he realized this, mentioned the fact that it was turning into something too serious and from then on has just been different. Obviously it began hurting me when i saw he was purposely trying to hold back from doing things he normally used to do just in order to prevent a relationship. Thus, my reaction was to forget him....i knew he wasnt deserving of me... the fact that he was hot and cold was hurting me and i didnt want ot deal with it so i backed off...and clearly, when i do this he comes around and it gets so hard for me to resist that i give in. It keeps going in this cycle. I back off, act uninterested...he stares at me at bars, comes up to me, looks at me talking to other guys, asks if he can call me later and the next day...he tends to easily give me 'the power' in a sense. What i do is try and resist, hang out with him, but not kiss him, but then soon enough i do. Now, im in the cycle again but this time i told him if he is looking for sex it wont be with me and he can go ahead and find some1 else and he understands that. From my understanding its not about sex, b/c if he wanted it he could get it with some random girl; he told me he likes spending time with me just does not want a relationship... This past friday i was at a party at his house...he was SO interested and excited to see me. i ended up staying the night but of course not sleeping with him becuase for that to happen he knows i must be in a more committed thing. Saturday comes around and he is completely cold. Barely makes conversation with me. The next day i get see he IMed me at 3:30 am...and then i get a text from him "my phone died last night"....explaining why he had not called that night. Now this kid has problems, it is quite evident. the one thing i do know is that he is not a liar..but anyways, he even told me that he always finds himself on a different page than everyone else, in every situation, not even just about sex. So my problem is that i just dont like where i stand... i dont like how he can be so on and off with me, but ive learned to not take it personally. the bottom line is that the only way to be 100% happy with him is to be his gf but he tells me straight out that he does not want a relationship. thereforeeee i realize he wont give me what i want, so i back off, try to forget him and perhaps make him miss me which he does and comes crawling back acting so interested...and i get stuck into the cycle again... I just want to break free from this...but break free with him... i want him to know that he can lose me aand thus feel the need to hold on as tight as he can to me... i never call him, never IM him..he does all of that... i was invited to a date party on a week night..and he found out, texted me, and asked 'you have a date?' i kept it mysterious..then he told me i should come over later.. i ended up falling asleep though...so clearly hes jealous...doesnt want to see me with any other guys, but doesnt want to be my BF...am i letting him have too much of me even thouhg i dont sleep with him anymore? what about strict NC..is that applicable here? ive been semi doing it, and when he starts calling i give in...maybe if i dont give in anymore he will finally realize that he cant just get me when he wants...? how do you think no contact will affect him here? with the summer coming soon, i think it could be easy for me to really not contact him and appear like i vanished from the earth...ah i dont know, im going crazy already, what should i do