Hopingpraying

Brit, My EX, EX and I had a really bad breakup but fast forward eleven or so years later and we are very good friends. My case is probably different from your situation, but I am definitely still atracted to her. I lost my viriginity to her and she will always hold a special place in my heart, however, she still has all the same issues we had when we broke up which is exactly why I won't try again with her even though now I am single and am going through a divorce. If she was to fix these issues then I would love to try again, but I don't think she ever will. I talk to her at least once a week and she is having the same issues with her current boyfriend that we had way back when... So I guess what I am saying is whatever the reasons for your breakup if you have fixed your part of that, and he has fixed whatever his issues were then yes I think the two of you could work it out, but if you haven't done that yet then there is really no point in trying. Good luck!!

Spkal, I would like to ask you a personal question... Do you masterbate? If you do can you make yourself come to orgasam? If you don't you really should because that can teach you a lot. Woman are definitely different from men in this area. I don't know of many men that have problem getting to orgasam, I am sure their are some, but I know that a lot of women definitely have issues with this. Figure out what you like by doing it yourself, then give that knowledge to your BF...

Pixie, This may sounds strange or gross to you, but do you ever experiment with your own body? This can help you understand what feels good and what doesn't. By doing this you can instruct your boyfriend better on what you like and don't like. Remember he is just as inexperienced as you are so it is good if you can help him out, and I don't know about him, but I enjoy it when my GF (or wife) tells me where she likes it or how to do it, it is just a turn on for me. So Experiment a little bit and that way you know for yourself what feels good. As for your boyfriend, it sounds like he may have watched a few Porno's and that is his only experience with sex. Mostly in Porno's they just pound away while the girl makes sounds like she is having the time of her life.. But in my experience this is not the case. It just hurts most woman. This may be what your experiencing. I am not sure... But communication is the key. If you just withdrawl he will assume you do not like having sex with him... Good luck!

ForkMaster, The only thing I can tell you, and this is from experience is leave her alone. My wife told me the same thing, that she needed time and space, and I didn't give it to her. It just ended up pushing her away and ultimately resulted in a divorce which is still in process. It sucks... I say immediately implment the no-contact rule. It is hard to do, but know that your girlfriend loves you, and will not forget about you even if you do no-contact. Just tell her upfront, I want us to be together so I am willing to do what it takes, I will not be contacting you. When you are ready you can call, email, or meet me in person. That will get you much further than begging or pleading for her to take you back. Read up on no-contact in these forums. It is not a game you play, it honestly has its place. Good luck.

Princesa, I would just like to say I agree with the coach. He is right on with this one. Don't get overly excited I think you will just put your feelings out there to be crushed. Keep it open and light. Just tell him your welcome and leave it at that. Then let him make the next move. You are telling him the door is open without actually saying anything. That is really all you need to do. Don't over analyze this. You will probably have the tendency to do the same thing I have which is to keep wondering whether she (he in your case) still remembers me, and to be affraid that if we don't keep sending them little emails or talk to them directly that they will forget us. You have to know they will never forget us. I still remember my EX's, everyone of them. You never forget a person you have been that close too. Good luck!

Drifter, I definitely think you can be friends with an EX. In my case I must be "friendly" to my EX because of our daughter. There is a tension between us still, but I think that will go away in time. As for your situation if you want her back you are going to need to swallow some of that pride and see things from her point of view. By you telling her she gave up so easy on the marriage your are just invalidating her feelings and pushing her further away. So if you want her back your going to have to be sympathetic and see things from her side. If you don't want to get back with her because she left the relationship so easy, then continue improving yourself and be the man you should of been. The next woman that gets you will have a heck of a catch and you won't have to worry about this happening again. Good luck!!

Rnorth, I can't really say why you two have the tension, I would need more information about your breakup to try to give you some insight on that.. As for the friends with benefits.... I don't think you can do that to yourself. You need to make it clear to her that you love her, and want to have a relationship with her, not just a physical one, you want everything that goes with it. If she has her mind made up she will probably just cut you off completely, but I think either way you will end up getting hurt. FWB just causes all kinds of emotinal trama, and one or both of you are bound to get hurt.

MM, I understand what you are saying, but there is not a whole lot you can do to make them see the new you. All you can do is take satisfaction in your own heart that you are a better man, and hope beyond all hope that they see those changes in you. The more you try to convince them the more she will be sure to pull away. For my situation I did some things I regret, I took her for granted, I told her I would stop doing some things that were not good. But for the few bad habits I had I rationalized them with all the good I did. Looking back that is flawed logic, and I probably could of saved my marriage had my wife made me aware of how this was all making her feel. Instead she kept it bottled up and started resenting me more everyday. By the time she got the courage to actually say something about it she had already made up her mind in what she had to do. I have made great strides since Feb. of this year. The day I registered on this site was the day she moved out. Feb. 14th. What a wonderful valentines day that was. I am a new man. I have taken care of my addictions, I have really looked deep into myself and looked at my flaws.. I battle them everyday, but being self aware has made me a much more confident individual. I know when I am ready I will find another woman to love me, and she is going to get the best husband. I still hope that woman will be my soon to be EX-wife, but I cannot control that so I try not to worry about it too much... The most frustrating thing for me has been the ease in which she has been able to throw everything away that we took so long to build together. I guess I must of really hurt her. I know I pushed her into that other mans arms, but it still hurts like heck thinking she may be getting together with him. She works with him, but he is also married and as far as I know they are not getting a divorce. I did let his wife know what was going on based on the Emails and cell phone bills, but I don't know if she believed me or not. I guess I cannot worry about that either... The thing I am trying to point out is I can fix all my issues, but if she does not fix hers then their is no point in us getting back together. A relationship is always bigger than one person and in our case it also invloves our daughter. It is all so difficult Mix master. I hope we all get through it and become better people for it!!

It is never too late as long as you can deal with all possible outcomes. Hey may want you back in his life, he may not. You just have to know that even if it turns out that he doesn't life goes on. He is not the only person in the world for you.

Beautiful, As the others have said, time passed is the only way you will be able to be friends with him. Right now one of you will end up getting hurt once the other ends up with a BF or GF in their life. Once that happens usually your friendship comes to a screeching halt anyways. Women just seem to have issues about guys being "Friends" with a previous lover. I am not sure if that is all women, or just the ones I have been with in my life. I was friends with one of my EX's and my wife hated it. So because of that I couldn't talk to her much if ever. The only time I ever did was if I happened to see her somewhere.

I think you should go about it exactly the opposite of what you are doing. You are doing nothing for yourself by worrying about him. You are only prolonging the agony you are in now. This is boosting his self esteem and lowering yours. Stop it. Your asking questions that he is not going to give the answer you are wanting. So it just keeps you in this despair. I know that is not what you want. He is right in the fact that the two of you cannot be friends right now. I think that would only give you hope. Hope is not what you need right now. You need to move on. It is obviously what he is doing. I am sure he still cares for you, just not in the way you want him too. People just cannot switch off their feelings like that even if they give the outward appearance that they have. There is no easy way to go through this Jersey... I am sorry but their is not. You cannot make another person want to be with you. Do things for yourself right now. Spoil yourself. Stop putting all your energy into him.

I am not a woman but this sounds like the start of one. I am sure with more practice they will become more intense. I think when you have a big one there will be no question, but like I said it could be different for woman than men.

AB38, I doubt she is being sincere, more than likely she is just putting a good face on a bad situation. Like people have said, talking to her is only giving her hope. Just let things be. In time I am sure the two of you can be friends, but not right now. It is too soon, the hurt too fresh. One of you is bound to get hurt when the other starts dating. It always hurts more than you think it will... Good luck AB

Jt, I have had a similar situation. The failure of my marriage if you were to ask my wife is completely my fault. It has nothing to do with her self esteem, or any of the other issues she has. I just don't let it bother me anymore. In my heart I know the truth. I have many issues, I am taking care of those issues. I am doing what I can to fix myself and my issues. If she is unwilling to do the same then I guess we are meant to be apart. If what she needs to do is tell everyone else that I am the bad guy I can be the bad guy. The truth is her family knows me, they have known me for ten plus years. They know my personality. I don't think this helps you much JT, but just know there are others that are in your situation. How you handle it pretty much tells a lot about the person you are. I wouldn't acknowledge what she says with any type of reaction. Ultimately it just proves her right.

LandClark, Debisfun has it right. You both were in the wrong for having an affair while being married. While I am not here to pass judegment on that you know it is morally wrong. With that said I don't understand why you would want to get into a relationship with a man that is being unfaithful to his current wife? In my opinion if you are willing to do it once you are willing to do it twice. Meaning if he did it to her, what makes you think he won't do it to you? Are you the special one he won't ever want to leave??? I know the above probably sounds insensitive and mean, but it is not meant to be. I am just trying to get you to think about this rationaley without your heart getting in the way. In some respsects I do feel for your situation, but in other respects you reap what you sow.... Sorry

JT, I guess I am not sure what kind of message you are trying to send to her by returning the gifts? I guess in my opinion it is a bit rude, but I am not sure what kind of sentimental value you put on these gifts? Are we talking a braclet? A T-shirt? Pictures? Not sure.. What do you hope to get from her by returning the gifts? Is it a reaction? Her being hurt by it, or just the chance to contact her again?? I say don't return the gifts. I doubt anything good will come out of it.

Deb, Let me see if I can get this right: If I were giving advice to someone else who wrote this post, I would tell them: DO NOT CONTACT him! He knows where you are. He knows where you stand. He knows how to get in touch with you. There is nothing you could say or do tonight at dinner that will make a bit of difference. Arrrrrghhhh.....it's so much easier giving than receiving. There that should cover just about everything You know what you need to do. Now good read a good book, or do some shopping!!

NSainOC, My relationship was similiar to yours, except I was the pot smoker, and my wife was the one who while I knew she disapproved, she didn't make it out to be a huge issue until after our daughter was born. I did ever thing I coudl to rationalize my pot smoking. I had some pretty good arguments too, although the bottom line is it is illegal and any responsible parent knows better. I have come to accept this, but I didn't until after my wife had already had enough. Too little to late, but I am a better man for it. I have quit smoking pot, for the most part quit drinking. I am 30 years old though, and back when I was 23 I was doing the same thing you girlfriend is doing. So it is a bit hypocritical of me to say the things I am about to say, but I will say them anyways... Your not going to be able to make her stop any of these things. If you truly want to marry this woman you need to support and encourage her to quit but cannot demand it. She will just end up resenting you for it. I gotta run hope to post more later.

Holdin, I am shocked that there are still guys in this world who think they can do this and think that you will always be there for them. My wife is divorcing me for a lot less (maybe not in her opinion) than this, but its what she feels she has to do, so who am I to stop her. But as for your relationship I am amazed you have put up with what you have, and I admire you for it. Most women would of thrown in the towel long ago. I am glad to hear that you are going to counseling as well. Problem is both of you have to want it to work and it doesn't sound like he is willing to commit to it fully. So I question whether your relationship will last, or be the type of relationship you are going to want. You certainly shouldn't just stay together for the children, although I do feel they should definitely be the reason to try everything before taking the long dark road to divorce. The sad thing for me is the difference between the way you describe your husband is probably all that different from the way my wife would describe me. The difference though is I have recognized this, and have seen the light. So I know us hard headed men can change, its just how bad we want it, and what is important to us. I wouldn't give up on him just yet, however, I don't know if he will, "See the Light" like I have. There are no promises for that. He may just want a mother and not a partner.

Boston, Hmmmm difficult to answer. I would say you can contact him, but either way, whether you do or don't, there is nothing you can do to stop him from moving on or finding another. If he is partying everynight with other women, something is bound to happen sooner or later. It would just suck for you to put yourself out there for him just to have him step on you. I don't think that is healthy for you. I think you should re-consider the healing thing. There is a lot to be said about being happy with yourself, and putting yourself first for a change!!

Jasmine, Like Bri said. definitely don't say anything to him about this yet. Not until you are sure what your feelings are. As for advice... Read the book. Hopefully it will help. I wonder how many long term relationships you have been in? A lot of people try to chase that feeling they get when they are first in a relationship. The tingle's I call them. Where you feel all tingly everytime your near that person. Unfortunately this never lasts forever, and some people feel like they are not in love anymore after those tingles go away. Don't confuse the tingles with love.

Keep it Allan.. You will regret it if you don't. It is part of your life and you shouldn't forget it. I destroyed all the pictures from one of my previous relationships, we weren't married, but I too this day regret it. I am currently going through a divorce now, and I am keeping everything I can. It reminds me of the good times as well as the bad. And it is all important!! Good luck!!

I say just give him what he wants.. Leave him be.. No need to apologize. Who likes pink hair??? Just kidding, but I don't think you should do anything else. Just drop it and leave him alone. Anything else is just going to push him further away.

Blondie, I don't think he nessecarily has an agenda, but could you offer a little more backgroun as to why you split up originally? I am not trying to be nosey, but a little more background about your situation would help everyone out greatly in analyzing your situation. I am going to say the same things I have said a dozen times before, if you have not fixed the reasons for the original breakup, you are bound to breakup again. Problems just don't fix themselves. He may come around, but I don't want you to do anything that will damage you or your son.

mlchildr, It has been nearly three months since my wife moved out, and I too have decided it is time to move on. I haven't come to the conclusion that I don't want her back though. On the contrary, I still hope she does come back to me, but I am not obsessing or dwelling on it. If she does, great, if she doesn't, well that sucks, but her loss. I am focusing on myself and my daughter now. That is what is important. I cannot control my wife's feelings for me. I can control my actions. So thats my focus. It is good you are not going to let him use you as a trampoline anymore. Everytime he falls he is landing on you. Don't let him do that. Good luck!!