Hopingpraying

Mtastic, Good for you man. I am glad to here you are strong and moving on. It sounds like you are taking it as well as you can, and are not bitter about it. This is a good thing. Its okay to feel hurt and everything, just don't become bitter about it. Keep on going man. Your doing fine!! Glad to here some upbeat stories!

Auburn, Yeah she did send that email, but I don't know if it was any kind of signal or not. Last night when dropping my daughter off to her at the local supermarket (for some reason she has never had me drop her of at her apartment) we stood there and talked for about 20 - 30mins. It was nothing about us, just about our daughter. It was good light hearted conversation about all the things she has been learning over the last few months. Nothing serious, just a good conversation. Very civil. I think it is good for our daughter to see us talking together like that. We have never fought in front of her. Which I also feel is good. But after that little bit of conversation my head was swimming with emotions and guilt. Guilt for beginning a new relationship with someone else, wondering if my wife really means that it is over between us. I am debating on whether to ask her straight up if she feels there is no way for us to fix what we had. I am reluctant to do that, but I think I am even more scared if she says she is not sure. I think I would rather just get an it's over. I need some closure, and getting a maybe is not going to be any type of closure. I also had a long talk with the "NEW" woman in my life. I told her I didn't think it was fair of me to be with her and not be able to give myself 100% to her. Instead of getting upset she just told me that she understood and still wanted to see me. She understands that I cannot just turn my feelings off for my wife, and that she could not be mad at me for being in love with my wife and wanting to make things work. That just makes me want her more. She is either nutz or a very nice, totally understanding person. I still don't think it is fair to her, but my selfishness makes it so I don't want to stop seeing her, but I have this guilty feeling for cheating on my wife. I will be glad when the divorce is final... Do you think I should ask the question to my wife? THe is it over for good question? Or should I just assume because we are going through a divorce that it is final? My fear is I get seriously involved with this new girl only to have my life flipped upside down when my wife comes back because she might of made a mistake. What do I do if that happens??? Decisions, decisions. Thanks in advance for your help!

JTS, I feel your pain man, all I can say is I don't think I can answer what she feels. I am only guessing.. Easy for me to say the following, but I believe it is what you need to hear... She is gone for the summer, don't wreck your summer over this. Have fun. Live a little. You two are offically separated so enjoy yourself. Go out on a few dates. I am sure she is doing just that knowing that in the fall she will be back. It is probably healthy for both of you, unless one of the two of you get attached to someone else, then that might be a bit rough.. Regardless... You have a life to live. You cannot live your life for her. Be strong..

Well I don't really think anyone can honestly make a huge generalization like that, but take this for instance.... Most of the time if Girl "A" breaks up with you and immediately starts dating boy "B" they are going to have the same problems you had with her. Basically that is what they call a rebound relationship. While no one can say how long it will last eventually the two of them end up broken up just like you did. The reason for this is if you don't fix the issues for your breakups you are usually destined to repeat those same mistakes. I think a lot of people strive for the perfect partner.. Well realistically no one is perfect. We know this, so why do we strive for a relationship where everything is a fair tale all the time. No one is going to buy you flowers forever, no one is going to be in a great cheery mood all the time, you are bound to have morning breath, people are bound to not look their best all the time... There is no perfection!! It doesn't happen. Woman as well as men get into long term relationships and then after say a few years the romance fizzles, and then they start seeing Billy and Sally always kissing all over one another, so happy to see each other.. Well ten dollars to a doughnut that Billy and Sally just met and are going through "the honeymoon" stage. Your setting there with your wife or GF fighting about money, bills and kids, and of course it doesn't measure up.. I mean of course it doesn't. Of course the flowers stop coming, of course the romance goes out of it... End of rant... I think you get my point... Most rebounds do not work because again once the honeymoon is over all the original reasons for the previous relationship breakup resurface because they were never resolved.

Mrbaldy, No.... Do not call her. Don't tell her you are going to give her space and then do exactly the opposite. Trust me this does not help. If anything it is just as hard on her as it is you to not be talking to you. That is if she has the same feelings for you that you have for her. As for you beating yourself about what you should or should not have done, don't do this. There is no point in that. In each relationship everyone has issues and problems to deal with. Relationships are not an easy thing. The thing that she will have to realize is just that, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and I don't think she will be able to get into a relationship with a man where sex is not important. Being intimate with one another is something each of you should enjoy together, not dread.. Don't take this as something is wrong with you, it just happened for whatever reason. You have to be strong if nothing else. Just hope that she calls you, then you won't be the one bugging her. Nothing turns a girl off more than a needy man.. You said you would not call to bug her, she heard you, so it is up to her to initiate the contact..... Hope this helps.

Mystery, Boy I sure wish I could get you to talk to my wife. I am pretty sure she is going to end up realizing the same thing you have. He reasons for leaving me are pretty petty, and the fact she has fallen for a married man makes it all the worse. She denies that she is having an affair though, so what ever.. N-E-Way... I am glad to here there are situations like this. I am not saying I am glad it happened to you however, but at least you are big enough to admit you made a mistake. I think in my wife's case she may never be big enough to do that. Thank you for your story though.

Auburn & Sweetione, I appreciate your responses, and it is really making me think I need to take a step back and acknowledge I am not ready for a relationship yet. I am already too close to this girl. She is a sweet kind hearted person. I really don't want to hurt her. And even though breaking things off right now may be tough it is probably the right thing to do. I cannot love her if I still love my wife. Not like she wants to be loved anyway. I have to be able to give myself to her completely, and right now I am holding back. I believe she will still be my friend, at least in conversations we have had she said that she would. From the beginning I have been honest with her, but I don't think I have been honest with myself so much. I have been telling myself that I am ready, but I wouldn't be asking these questions if I was. I guess I just need to step back and thank God that in my life I have been able to meet two wonderful woman. Hopefully I won't screw this second chance up. I may have already done that, we shall see I suppose. And Auburn, I will continue to take the high road with my Ex-wife. I have no other choice. It is what is best for my daughter. I hope through all of this my Ex and I can at least be friendly to one another for our daughter. So far we have, but at the same time my wife sends me mixed signals. Somedays it seems like when I call to talk to my daughter she is annoyed by me, and then others she sounds happy to hear from me. Can't figure her out for nothing. Then just the other day she sends me an email at work that says, " It sure is nice out".... Now what am I supposed to think of that? What do I say to that??? All I replied is yes it is and left it at that. I know in time God will sort this all out for me. Wish me luck, and I will do the same for all of you.

SFBOI, It is difficult to say how she will react. The fact it has been so long you don't know if she is involved with someone else or not. The only advice I can give is when you call her, be confident. Acknowledge you haven't spoken in awhile and you were just curious what she had been up to. Be prepared for her to blow you off, but as long as you can take the outcome no matter which way it goes what do you have to loose.

JT, If that is how you feel, honesty is the best policy. Yes she will probably be hurt, but how hurt would she be if you kept up seeing her and still seeing other people. She may even be mad at first, but at least she should respect you. The difficult thing is making her believe that it is not because she is not good enough, but the fact that you need to stay unattached from one person for awhile. At least let her know you don't want her to be a rebound, that you respect her more than that, and to be fair you think you should cool it for awhile. Just be delicate when you do this. Rejection sucks even if it is for the right reasons!!

Street, When woman are young I think they are always affraid of missing out on something better. I think with maturity they come to realize that there is no such thing as the sleeping beauty fairy tale relationship. Woman from birth are taught about the perfect wedding, the knight in shining armor, and how they will live happily every after. Well we all know that is just a farce. Relationships are full of ups and downs. You don't keep the honeymoon going forever, and eventually that romantic passion wears off. Especially after you have a child come into your lives... Maybe I am getting a bit off topic here Street, but I think this is why your GF is having difficulties commiting to you. Maybe not, but probably. As for how you should proceed.... I don't know if I can give you a good answer, I can tell you what I have done. Day by day... I wake up and take it each day at a time. Working out to improve my body, mind and soul. Church for my sole, Books and college courses for my mind, and Mountain biking, Walking the golf course, and working out for my body. It has served me well and the opposite sex is starting to take notice. I hope my wife is taking notice... Time will tell that... But I would say you cannot put your life on hold for your GF. She will have to come to know whether you are the one on her own. You cannot make her want to be with you. Tell her how you feel, but also let her know you cannot wait for her forever.... Hopefully that will get her going. Good luck Street!!

I have had to fake it on a few occasions. Usually because I was a bit intoxicated and couldn't fullfil the dead, and once because I could tell the girl wasn't into it anymore because we had been at it for so long. All the times it happened I was wearing a condom which didn't help the big O effect, but if I wasn't wearing one I wouldn't of been able to fake it either..

Mar, Yeah another popular diagnosis is Co-dependency right now. My wife went to therapy and low and behold she was co-dependent on me. As far as I can tell the answer for this was for her to divorce me.. Good therapy... Glad I paid for it... It keeps those therapists in business for them to diagnose you with something. If you are going there you must have something wrong with you... Its not like it is an exact science either, and just like any profession, some are better at it than others. I just pitty the people who get a bad therapist... My two cents

Woobie, Thanks for your advice, sorry it took me so long to get back, but the last few days it has been hard to access the site. Every day that passes I get more and more confused. This girl I work with, only works at my place of business. It is a large organization of over 800 people so I really don't see her at all during work hours. We work in totally different departments. But she is a nice girl and we have quite a bit in common. My heart is still with my wife though, and I have been perfectly honest with her in this regards. I think it confuses her more than anything though. I enjoy spending time with her, but then I tell her I am still in love with my wife. I am sure that is very confusing for her. I have told her exactly how I feel right now and she seems very understanding. It's not like the two of us are in love. You can't even call what we have done so far dates. Everytime we have been together it has been with a group of people. I think that has been by design so we don't get intimate, however, she is very attractive and the fact I have not had sex in so long makes it even more difficult to be around someone who shares common interests and is very attractive. I think it is different for Men though. I could have sex with her and have it not mean to me what it means to her, so I am conscious of that. Although if she were to initiate it I don't think I could resist. How do I handle that. Should I just call it quits for now, or do I risk the two of us getting intimate?? Here is my real delima....... 1. She is a great girl. 29 years old with no kids, has not been involved with anyone in over a year. As best I can tell she is a very nice woman who is choosey about who she dates. She keeps herself up, and has a very clean house. She is independent and happy being by herself. Someone who I find very attractive, funny, and could see myself being with. Yes, it probably is a bit early to say that, but when I first met my wife I felt the same way so I don't know if that means I should be leary, or if the fact this one is older and had her heart broken she already sees what a great guy I am and knows what she would be throwing away. That probably sounds self centered, and while I know I am not the best thing going, I know I am not the worst either. To get to the point, I feel that if I waffle for too long she will get sick of this and decide it is not worth getting hurt and decide to move on. 2. I am affraid that the minute I get serious with another person that will be the point at which my wife comes back to me. Then I will have to make a decision I really don't want to make. Yes at this time I want my wife back, however, there are many things that have to be dealt with before I could take her back. And the flip side of this is she may never come back and I will be putting my life on hold for nothing....... So what do I do? Do I let things progress however they will? Do I let my heart go where ever it leads me? The thing is... And maybe you are not the one to answer this woobie, is how do I know if my heart is leading me, or my penius? Oh the tangled web we weave.... Thanks everyone for reading this.

Auburn, I will PM you. I really am interested in hearing how you handled your situation and whether it can help me handle mine better, or just give me some insight into how future things might take place. Thanks for your reply.

Okay I have posted hundreds of messages about my plight, but it has taken and interesting turn, and I need some objective advice. 1. I am currently going through a divorce. My wife and I have been separated for nearly seven months. We have a daughter who is two, which is why I am even writing this email. 2. Three weeks ago I started talking to a girl whom I have known for years but was never involved with, I just knew her because she works in the same organization. I work in purchasing she works in our electronics lighting plant... Now my wife has said and done some pretty hurtful things throught the divorce process because she is fighting for custody of our daughter. I want Joint Physical and she doesn't want me too, for whatever reason. So that complicates things greatly. I love my daughter and still would love nothing more than for us to work things out, but I don't feel you do the types of things she has done if you supposedly love someone. Through this whole thing, even with her being totally whacked out I have been nothing but respectful and nice to her. I have never once called her any names or said anything derogetory about her in front of our daughter. Really I didn't want her to have any ammunition to make me out to be the bad guy she wants me to be. Well to get to my delima is this girl I met. She really is a nice girl. I have only been talking to her for three weeks, however, she is all I think about. To the point where my wife is nearly an after thought. I still think a lot about my daughter, but my wife not so much. We just seem to fit together. I can just tell her anything and she listens, we communicate. My wife and I never did, especially toward the end. There is even more than that. She just seems really kind hearted.. Okay.. Now for my questions.... After reading the above, how should I handle it should my wife decided to come back? My fear is the moment I put my feelings out for someone else she will somehow sense this and coming running back.... While I believe I would like this, there is so many questions I have. How could she do this too our family? How could she give up so easily? What happened with for better or for worse, till death do us part. My second question relates to the new woman in my life.... After seven months could she still just be a rebound? How am I falling for her so quickly? I constantly think about her. I feel like a school kid again. She makes me feel safe when I am with her, I forget about all the bad things going on in my life. Now I do realize that most relationships start out the way I have described above, but I can honestly say I did not feel like this about my wife when we first started dating. We took it very slow at the start of our relationship. It took me awhile before all I did was think about her... So what is the difference? I have been praying to God, asking him for guidance... And while I am sure he will help me along the way, I am hoping someone on this board can throw their two cents in as well. Thanks,

Wade, Excellent post man, and I have to say I have pretty much followed you to the tee, except that I have changed myself. Greatly for the better I must say. While I have always believed in God, it was just recently (back in Feb.) that I started going to church. It has made a great difference in my life. Really opened me up to seeing the good in people. I have even found the strength to forgive my wife for giving up on us so easy. Everything that happens to us happens for a reason. I did the write a letter thing but I cannot say it did any good. She has her way of seeing the way things played out and because of that I am a piece of crap. Not sure why, but that is just the way she sees it. But I can't make her want me back so I am trying to move on. We have been separated nearly seven months, and I have started dating again. I am just taking it as slow as possible because my divorce will not be final until Aug. 10th. I just feel for my daughter. I also just wanted to say that I hear you when you say some people do not know what forgiveness means. That is exactly what my wife told me. I forgive you, but I cannot forget. And while I will agree that the fact I smoked pot was not a good thing, I did not cheat on her. Which she did on me. I guess she used my pot smoking as a reason to cheat or something to that effect. Regardless I am clean now. And I can thank her for that...... So it is not all bad. To bad she won't get to be with the new me.

Tristesse, Take a deep breath and exhale... If he is coming back to get his things I don't think you should get too excited, and if you are concerned about talking to him I would arrange to give his stuff to one of your friends and have him get it from them. This way you don't have to see him or deal with him and put yourself through that emotional roller coaster. If you want to see him, and I am not sure why you would if all he is doing is getting his stuff, then just give it to him, keep your composure as best you can and move on with your life. Tough stuff I know, but you can do it!!

Auburn, I really feel for what your are going through and can relate pretty well. I am going through a seperation with my wife, and we have a daughter. So I started a modified version of no-contact, and I can't say it has been easy. For the most part I had to suck it up and be strong for myself, and even though my stomach was in knots for many months I had to do it for my daughter, and to keep my sanity. Basically what I mean by modified version of no-contact is while I still called every night to talk with my daughter, when I spoke with my wife I did not discuss anything about us, about how I still loved her, longed for her, and wanted for us to be a family again. I had tried that over and over and I can tell you that it didn't work. I know now after reading so many similar stories on this site that you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do, so I started focusing on myself and my daughter. Focus your energy there and you cannot go wrong. You owe it to yourself after what you have been through. Right now you have this tight feeling in your chest you probably think will never go away, but it will. I promise that. Know that each day you wake up you and you alone decide whether you are going to have a good day or a bad day. We decide that in every decision we make. When someone cuts you off, you decide how you react to that situation. Whether your going to spike your blood pressure, or just let it go. I am getting a bit off topic here, but it is all related. You make yourself who you are, not anyone else. It is tough right now, but you will be stronger for this. I am actually doing pretty well now. It has been about five months since my wife moved out. I was in sad shape in the begininng. I decided I could either be a worthless piece of crap, or be there for my daughter. I decided to be there for my daughter and myself. I am now in the best shape since I played football in highschool, working out, moutain biking, playing gold, and spending quality time with my daughter. I even started going to church, which if you don't currently I seriously reccomend it. It has helped me a lot. Good Luck Auburn. Feel free to vent here anytime.

I don't think it is all to terrible that you feel bad. It has been 5 months since my wife moved out and about 7 months since we have actually been together. I just recently started dating and I feel guilty about it. I think this is a good thing though. I still care about her and love her. I would think if it was that easy to get over our ten year relationship then maybe I didn't really love her. This lets me know I did I guess in some strange way. But feeling bad and not getting on with your life are two different things. You shouldn't let this feeling of guilt paralyze you. Know that it is there and accept it for what it is..... It is your heart telling you that you still love someone else, and you feel guilty about trying to let go. After you understand that you should also realize that you need to move on and this will help you do this... I hope I can take my own advice. My problem is my divorce is not final until August 10th, and I feel guilty for not waiting till then, but I need compaionship and seven months is already a heck of a long time to wait. Good luck!!

Jony, I am not sure for the reasons behind your original breakup, you need to make sure you figure out that part of it. I would just caution you that you make sure that she is not coming back to you for the sole reason that she is no longer with her other boyfriend. Otherwise you are just a rebound until she figures out what she wants. Getting hurt once is bad enough, you don't need to repeat it. As for what you should do in the meantime, definitely play it cool. Be confident, don't be needy...

Amaranth, Thanks for the reply... I am being bluntly honest with her and I think she understands, but you never know for sure. I definitely get the impression that she is looking for something more than "just friends" so I have to be on guard for that. But I explained to her that to be fair to her and to my (EX)wife that I don't want to get into anything serious. The fact that we have been friends for ten years has complicated things for a bit because we are very comfortable around one another and I could see it getting serious very quickly but I definitely need to guard against that. Short of not seeing her I am not sure how to do that though, unless I just need to decide to keep it completely casual until I am ready, but to be honest it has been since October since I have been with a woman. So it will be tuff. Wish me luck!!

I have a question for all of you.... I am not certain how to proceed, it has been nearly ten years since I have even dated, however, here is my delima... 1. My divorce will not be final until August, so I have some reservations about dating at all, but feel I need compaionship and friendship if nothing else. How do people feel about dating while still "Officially married"? 2. How do you date without becoming attached, or in a "relationship" I am truly just looking for friendship, and nothing too serious at this time. The problem is she is a really nice person. She has a lot of qualties that I like in a woman. A little background. I have known this girl for nearly ten years, she is a wonderful person and I just found out on Friday that she has been attracted to me for nearly all of that time but she never pursued anything because I was taken. She is my age which is a plus, I think I am done with younger woman that don't know what the heck they want in life. At the same time I don't want this girl to be a rebound, and even though we have not officially been out on a date or anything I did see her at the bar on Friday and she gave me a hug and a very nice kiss. I want to take things slowly, and not be in a "relationship" with her. I just am not sure how she will take that. She is actually someone I could see myself being with, just not right now, and believe me that I know it is too soon to be talking about that. So how do you date without being serious?? Is it just something you decide to do? The last thing I want to do is put this girl through anything similar to what I have been through the past seven months. Advice would be greatly appreciated. HP

Brit, I don't think you should put your feelings back out there for him to step on them. I can't say for sure he would do this, but like you said he broke up with you, so he needs to be the one that wants you back. I fear if you pursue him you will just push him further away. It doesn't make sense to pursue someone that doesn't want to be pursued. Dr. Nick, As for how I started a friendship with my EX, EX, after about a year and a half after the breakup she called me out of the blue and said she had some things of mine, asked me if I would like to come and get them. I said sure and went to pick them up. Thats when she dropped a bombshell on me and told me what a big mistake she made giving me up and how much she still loved me. At that time I was just starting to see my future wife (soon to be Ex-wife) and told her I couldn't start a relationship with her because I was with someone else. She took it hard, but from that we have built a good friendship. We don't hang out together much or anything, but we talk on the phone all the time. I don't think her boyfriend would appreciate us getting dinner together and I know my Wife would not of liked it so we never did anything like that... But it is possible to be friends with an EX even after a bad breakup, it just takes a lot of time and you both have to want to do it. In your case if she doesn't want it then you probably are not going to get it, but just being friendly when you do happen to see her will probably soften her up... Good Luck..

Kitten, I think you are making the right choice, although I do feel for your EX. And while I love my (soon to be) Ex-wife dearly and would never think about cheating on her, I can understand how the grass can suddenly be greenier on the other side. People get into relationships and more often then not start to take the other person for granted. When that happens the resentment builds and someone ends up getting hurt. Sounds like he is going to pay dearly for his mistakes, and now that his current girl is going to dump him too I am sure you haven't heard the last from him. Stay strong!! You deserve the best and don't let anyone walk on you again.

It is a tough one to reply about this subject to a sixteen year old, but for most guys your age just being close to you will be a turn on. As someone else said, be yourself, maybe a light spritz of perfume.... Guys are pretty easy to get along with for the most part.