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melrich

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Everything posted by melrich

  1. melrich
    Oh you definitely should not be contemplating joint ownership of a property. That can turn very ugly. If you are not feeling comfortable about living together then you shouldn't do it. It can be a lot of hard work and anguish.
  2. melrich
    My partner and I deal with it but we definitely had to learn how to. Everyone deals with conflict in a different way and personally I think one of the most important talks you can have with your SO is to discuss how you like to deal with conflict. My partner for example likes to get everything out on the table all at once and have the argument right there and then. I like to go away and think about the issues for a bit. At first we just missed the boat with each other. Probably like you and your b/f. She felt like I was avoiding things and I felt like she was barraging me with stuff. So we talked about it and now we have an understanding about how we resolve things. I think it's a good approach.
  3. melrich
    I don't think there should be any expectation on who pays more for a gift. In my case my partner generally goes more overboard than I do but it's not the sort of thing I think you want to keep score on.
  4. melrich
    No it's not wrong at all. I think it is natural. But you are resolving it in the wrong way. You are considering not inviting her because of your ex. What you should be doing is inviting her because you and she may possibly click. You have posted the following, or words to this effect, multiple times accross multiple posts, I told her she didnt owe me anything but civility and honesty, and asked for it. She didnt close the door. She said she did not want to draw a line. I told her fine, but from here on out its honest and two sided conversation. We agreed. I asked if she would come to a cocktail party I'm throwing at my house. She agreed. She even brought up a party a friend of mine is throwing that we were both invited too. Plus, she told me she would be back in town early from break. I will be here then, which she knows. No one is really here around that time, so I guess she's suggesting we hang out. I don't get that you cannot see what a slender thread you are hanging on to. I come back to the fundamental, one which you keep ignoring, she does not love you. If she did she would be with you or telling you she wanted to work things out with you and she would be actively pursuing that. I know I am saying something you do not want to hear but it is a shame that after 5 months and considering you were doing so well that you have almost got yourself back to square one.
  5. melrich
    No I don't because your ex is not trying to see what can happen between you. All she has said to you is she is not closing the door. Which is a bit like never say never and is pretty much what all people tell their exes because slamming the door seems so cruel but in fact is much kinder. You have pinned all your new hope on the fact that she said this plus the fact that she said she would be going to a couple of parties. You are still missing the fundamental point, that which outweighs all the others in my opinion, your ex is not in love with you. If she was she would be with you or she would be telling you she wants to be with you. Meantime you have thrown away months of your hard work in moving on and are now starting to make social decisions based on what your ex of 5 months may or may not be thinking. And you have decided to play a slowly, slowly game which means this undue influence your ex is having on your social life is going to continue with no end in sight. You really have gotten yourself in a jam.
  6. melrich
    After 5 months you cannot continue to allow your ex to have so much influence over your life. Invite the other girl to your party and have a great night with her. It will do you good and you never know you might just click with her.
  7. melrich
    Post your situation here.
  8. melrich
    Putting things into perspective is a tried and true method of persuasion. I don't see it actually doing any harm per se. But I do think that in a situation where someone, in their own mind is desperate and even on the edge of taking their own life, the "when you think about it, you are not that badly off" approach may backfire. Not in the sense that it will put them over the edge but in the sense that they may shut down to your counsel. Because desperate people in my experience tend to regard any advice that things are not as bad as they seem as coming from someone who just doesn't understand their circumstances.
  9. melrich
    I think this is actually a pretty simple situation with complicated outcomes. Basically I think your ex sees you and the kids as his anchoring point, something to give him stability and respectability. But he also loves his single lifestyle. He may compromise short term but this guy is not a good bet. I get that you believe you love him but wonder if there is not an element of convenience in that. I think if you go ahead with reconciling you will be back to separated within a year or two. Personally I don't think it is worth it.
  10. melrich
    Personally I think one of the most important things for the success of an LDR is that you have an end game, that you know and have plans for when you are going to be together. If you are in different states or different countries and you're just "in" an LDR with no real plans for the long term I think it would be hard to sustain it for too long.
  11. melrich
    Disagreeing about the issue is fine. If it is an attack on the person that is not OK and you should use the "Report Bad Post" button at the top of each post box.
  12. melrich
    Yeah, like I said, you have to pick your battles. Good luck.
  13. melrich
    I'm not sure about that. The "thing" has to be reasonable. Otherwise the issue becomes the fact that someone is asking you to not do something that should not be an issue. In the case we are talking about here, I'm not sensing the "magazine" part of the issue is a huge thing for saint_saul so why ask someone to compromise themselves. In some ways, making your partner compromise at the minor end of irritating behaviour is more destabilising because one person cannot see the "justice" of the compromise.
  14. melrich
    Yeah I think it is one of those things you let go. In relationships I think you have to choose your battles and this one does not seem to be of huge significance to either of you.
  15. melrich
    No I'm not implying anything. It seems to me there would be two reasons he would get really upset over what you rightly describe is a minor issue, 1. He really, really wants the magazine. 2. He resents the request that he not get the magazine.
  16. melrich
    So what is your take on why he got so upset?
  17. melrich
    Hi Anarchy, welcome to eNotalone. You're relationship really does not sound very healthy at all. Are you sure you guys are suited to each other? The fact that she has cheated in the past and is at least emotionally cheating on you makes me think you really should be re-thinking this whole relationship. I understand that you want it to work but I wonder if it really has a chance given where the relationship is at right now.
  18. melrich
    If you don't argue and have disagreements with your partner then your relationship is in trouble. It is likely that one or both of you are bottling up their feelings/wants/desires. How often do you hear "We never fought at all.". It is possible that they are scared of conflict. Arguments and disagreements are a healthy part of any human relationship. The trick is to know how to have conflict in a healthy way and that does take some work and time. If you feel you aren't talking the same language when you are in conflict then make the time to talk to your partner about how you like to work through conflict.
  19. melrich
    Perspective. I am not sure it is always wise or right to remind the man who just lost his leg how lucky he is that he's not the guy who just lost his head. Talking down someone's issues often has the opposite effect we intended. Often the message you give is "I don't understand." Sometimes to be reminded there is (or was) always someone who is worse off than you is of comfort and sometimes it is not.
  20. melrich
    I don't know if it ruins relationships but I think it can devalue them. Texting can be a convenient way to communicate. But when it substitutes too often for talking to someone it is just a lazy way of communicating.
  21. melrich
    It's not about being selfish at all. It's about how you feel. I am sure if he wrote you a poem and spent the day of your anniversary with you telling youhow much he loved you, you would be very happy with that. I get from what you are saying that it is not really about buying you presents as such.
  22. melrich
    Pretend you never heard it. It's often the messenger, not the message, that cops the fall out in these situations. That relationship will combust of its own accord without you having to risk getting burnt.
  23. melrich
    I don't mean materialistic in a bad sense at all. When I went through my marriage break up, I had to left the house and all my possessions with my ex for 12 months. It made more sense that I move out. So for 12 months I lived by myself with basically a suitcase full of clothes. I don't think I had ever felt such freedom before,. It was like I could go anywhere and do anything without having to think about everything I owned. Some people are just like that all the time. They don't want to be weighed down by possessions or bricks and mortar or money management issues.
  24. melrich
    Some people just don't see materialism or money as important and would rather live day to day without the responsibility of possessions. So the question is not really "should he be financially secure?" because obviously it is not that important to him now. The question really should be "Are our values aligned?" And I think the answer to that is no. You value finacial security, he does not. So the next question is "Can you live with that?" That's really up to you to decide.
  25. melrich
    Yes unfortunately there is probably little you can do right now. The more you hassle her about it the more she will probably want to se this guy. I don't think it is appropriate but if it is not illegal I think she'll probably not listen to sense on the matter no matter what you do.
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