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keenan

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Everything posted by keenan

  1. keenan
    instead of asking her if you can ask her, why don't you ask her? ;-) if you're nervous about a serious date b/c you don't really know her, just get a couple of tickets to a show, call her and say you find yourself with two tickets and no date, and ask if she'd like to go. it's borderline between date and non-date, so if you have a bad time you can both not worry about expectations for future dates, but if you have fun you can ask her out again.
  2. keenan
    I am ~also~ proud of you that you aren't reaching out to her and pleading your case. You've come a long way in a short amount of time. I'm glad that seeing her rebuild her life is helping you see her (and this situation) more clearly. But I'm not convinced that you're respecting her *privacy*...which is surely part of space. (I know...all her posts are public, available for anyone to read. But don't split hairs -- you know what I mean.) And there's really nothing for you to "call her on." Call her on for what? Living her life? Communicating with others without your permission? Semantics aside ("Give me space" vs. "I never want to see you again"), the content of her message to you is clear: "Leave me alone." Whether for a short while or forever, the duration of the period of space calls for an *absense of you*. I think it's very cool that you've backed off and aren't actually in her physical space anymore. But the privacy issue...the stalking from behind a keyboard...think about that. You may be able to make even more progress if you shut down the computer and go for a walk, take a trip, or do something that doesn't involve her in any way.
  3. keenan
    GFI, I've been following your other thread. I have to point out that when she asked you for space, she probably didn't know that she needed to explicitly request that you not *stalk* her online. You (probably, hopefully) wouldn't hire a private investigator to track her movements in real life. Why do you think it's ok to spy on her electronically? Yes, I *know* it's all public information, and you're not breaking any laws, and you're obsessed...but what part of your behavior constitutes "space"? That you're invisible and so she doesn't KNOW that you're there? Come ON.
  4. keenan
    There's some movie...Singles?...in which one of the main characters has this hang-up about the guy she's seeing: he never says "bless you" when she sneezes. She uses this as a proxy for all of the selfish things he does, and all of the chivalrous things he DOESN'T do...like opening doors, pulling out her chair at the table, etc. I've heard women make reference to the 'bless you' thing in passing -- it's like it's code for whether a guy is willing to bend over backwards for a woman right from the start...OR, depending on your viewpoint...treat a woman with a lot of (traditional) respect. It's possible that this girl has some kind of template that she wanted you to match, and that she was looking for little things as 'signs' or 'markers' as to how well you match it. You weren't meeting those expectations in a couple of ways. Rather than just chill out, roll with it, and get to know you better from the inside to find out whether you're REALLY kind and respectful, she started judging your from the outside and extrapolating to what is inside, picking at the mismatched areas right from the get-go. It's good that she knows what she wants...but it does sound like her way of getting there might be a bit harsh...and unhappy for ya if you hung around.
  5. keenan
    yeah, i guess i should clarify: hemming and hawing isn't good, so don't hesitate too much before answering. no staring at the floor and acting insecure. ;-) but my ex was an exec who was included on interview loops two or three times per week ~ he was the 'tough guy' who was supposed to raise the standards for whatever group asked him to sit in on the interview. he used to say that most people make the same 2 mistakes: (1) they blurt out the first thing that comes to mind without *really* thinking about what the interviewer is asking; (2) once they start on a tangent, they keep talking and talking, even if it's not relevant. people get nervous and want to fill the silence with their voice...but they don't always do that in the best or smartest way. the best interviewees, apparently, are also able to give enough detail in their (already good) answer so as to paint a really clear picture of their experiences and areas of expertise.
  6. keenan
    What's RCMP? Generally, prepare answers to questions you think they might ask, have a list of intelligent, thoughtful questions to ask THEM, dress nicely, smile, maintain eye contact, take a few seconds to really think about your answers before speaking, provide a lot of detail in your answers, including examples, but don't talk too much.
  7. keenan
    ok, you win. she really is a worrier. but...it also sounds like her heart is in the right place. yours obviously is as well. i wish the two of you all the best, together if possible, and as individuals if not.
  8. keenan
    hey guy~ am so sorry you're going through this. it's a tough road to walk, and you sound really caring and thoughtful. i do have one odd question. is there anyway that the 'doctor and dentist' thing could be her way of saying that she would be happier if you lost weight, gained weight, worked out, straightened your teeth, got more stylish glasses, etc.? Because SOME concern for health is normal, but she seems to have emphasized that more than normal...and combined with her desire that you get a new wardrobe and take better care of your apartment...it all kind of points to her taking issue with the way you present yourself to the world. maybe she's wondering what it's like to be with somebody who's really polished and suave? she probably wouldn't say that to your face if she felt that it would be shallow or mean. now, PLEASE let me be clear that i AM NOT suggesting that you change yourself in any physical way to please her (or to meet some imagined expectation). i hesitated to even ask that question for fear of planting a seed in your mind about changing yourself to please her. but while i DO think you should take care of your health for your own sake, i don't think you should beat yourself up about that wrt the break-up. hope i didn't make that worse. good luck, hon.
  9. keenan
    I appreciate individualism & strength of character. If those run counter to convention and get labeled as eccentric, then sure. I draw the line at voting republican, though. That's too wacky even for me. ;-) KIDDING!!
  10. keenan
    I can only assume that Y is jealous of her fiance's formerly close female relationship. My advice to your friend would be to send a gracious and sincere card wishing the new couple all the happiness in the world. This should include a very brief and tactful apology for being unable to attend the wedding due to a prior engagement. Brevity and class are key, here. Your friend shouldn't give into the temptation to be bitter or dramatic. Everyone is aware of the real situation. If worded right, her friend will understand and appreciate the face-saving opportunity that has been given to him, and his fiance will be relieved and happy....(added to say ~ and she'll look petty...an added bonus.)
  11. keenan
    or...you can accept that you look okay once your attitude changes for the better. i was trying to say that comfort with oneself comes from the inside, is largely self-driven, and is a product of much more than assurance (no matter how sweet and well-intentioned) that you look great naked. ironically, a symptom of being comfortable with yourself is being able to tell somebody that you just don't enjoy doing something that they would like you to enjoy doing (i.e., being naked). it's hard to tell whether the issue itself stems from modesty (there's surely a range of normal behavior here) or a real dislike of her own body. now...if she thinks that it's a problem, independent of what her guy thinks, then i hope that she either makes an effort to figure out what it's about, or she comes to terms with it. either way, it's her call. i'm not criticizing the OP at all. just trying to point out that there's another way to think about it.
  12. keenan
    Hmmm. It's cool that she's open to your suggestions about changing her behavior to make you happier...;-)...but maybe the first step toward truly making her more comfortable is for you to just accept that she doesn't much like being naked? My point is, it sounds like it's more your issue than hers. After all, if she lived alone it wouldn't be a problem.
  13. keenan
    hi there. i'm so sorry you're feeling shocked and overwhelmed by this. as others here have pointed out, he may very well have only been experimenting. i realize and respect that that may be its own shock to you, as you may not have thought about your son being sexually active until now. i don't want to minimize your pain, but i think it's also important to maintain some perspective so that real damage isn't done to your relationship with your son. your 'worst-case' situation seems to be that your son is gay. IF he is gay, please at least remember that he's still your son. He hasn't changed--it's your expectations for him (and his future) that have changed. It can be a huge shock to realize how wide the gulf is between your expectations and reality, but you can work through this. Your son is still alive, he's still healthy, he still loves you. He'll still grow up to be a fine person, you'll still be proud of him, and you'll still be a part of his life as he grows older. YOU are the only person who can change that.
  14. keenan
    I'm sorry to hear about your loss, MrS. I suspect that most people who were left behind have a hard time dealing with divorce. The changes rock your world on so many levels -- daily routines (sleeping, cooking, eating, shopping, getting ready for bed, getting ready for work, chores), special occasions (those great weekends away, your favorite restaurant and special hangouts), family gatherings (is hers still yours, how to explain the split to so many people), your vision of your future life (all mapped out with your partner in it) your understanding of your past life (the tortured questions ~ did it all mean nothing to her? when did she really decide to leave?) -- all different...all worse. It takes a long time to adapt to the suddently spacious (i.e., empty) existence and fill it up with new stuff. I think of it like losing a limb or half of your body...you have to learn how to live only with what's left, and you have to simultaneously build up enough strength to make it from day to day. It takes time...time...time, and distance...distance...distance. Those are the only things that make it better, as far as I can tell. Because of your child, you don't have the luxury of distance. That will probably translate into needing even more time. The pain will fade, then resurface from time to time with a vengeance. Grief counseling may help you get some of the pain out, and give you new ways to deal with it when it comes back. You'll fill up the space, though. I know it's hard to believe, but you almost just have to blindly trust that you'll heal and things will get better. Everyone says the same thing about this process. I don't think that everyone can be wrong. After ten years of a really good marriage, I still have ghost pains ~ even though he's been gone for over a year and I'm 2-3 months into a really amazing new relationship. I wouldn't go back to what I had, but I still mourn its loss. I'm pretty sure that's normal.
  15. keenan
    just wanted to say *ditto* to onelittleladybug's post.
  16. keenan
    she might have a bladder infection. they're frequently caused or made worse by intercourse ~ the physical contact stirs up bacteria in the urinary tract. it's a very common problem. if she's had a low-grade infection for awhile, the extra pressure on her bladder could cause a lot of discomfort or pain during sex, but she might not notice it otherwise. that would explain why she feels like she needs to urinate during sex. it's an easy doctor's visit ~ pee in a cup, then 3-5 days of antibiotics if the test is positive.
  17. keenan
    if you live in the same town it'd be pretty easy ~ once or twice per night (more on the weekends) gets you to 10 pretty quickly. just sayin'....
  18. keenan
    also, there's a particular kind of skin condition that looks just like acne that often occurs with stress, sunlight, hormone changes, or some skin care products - it occurs mostly around the mouth and chin, and it's called peri-oral dermatitis. it appears out of nowhere and is really hard to make go away with any kind of normal face washing or acne cream. i get this sometimes, and a course of antibiotics clears it right up. your regular family doctor would know about it, too...not just dermatologists.
  19. keenan
    stubble ranging to very slight beard. i like scruffy.
  20. keenan
    It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. It does sound like she has a crush on you, and that she likes a bit of drama in her life.
  21. keenan
    Hey there. Sounds like your boyfriend can be a jerk when he's drunk. It's too bad that you can't trust him, and it's a shame you feel like he's more interested in getting drunk and crazy than in hanging out by your side on evenings out. That must be really hard. unfortunately, he's unlikely to change anytime soon, especially if his friends support him. Honesly, though...Right now I'm more concerned about your self-reported 'huge temper', 'crazy mood swings', forced socializing to avoid sitting at home being depressed, and your lack of your own friends. What's going on with that?
  22. keenan
    Don't sweat it ~ 1.5 inches is hardly noticeable. Nobody is perfectly symmetrical. It's common for one arm or leg to be a tad longer than the other, one foot to be a bit larger, etc. And unfortunately, people aren't super polite (lol) so if it was really obvious you'd have gotten more questions over the years.
  23. keenan
    Women who are very devoted to their partner are likely to be called doormats, pushovers, clingy, or needy, though. There's a fair amount of social pressure for women to be strong and independent. I'm not saying that's a bad thing - just that I do think that it works both ways. Perhaps women have a wider range of "acceptable" degrees of devotion.
  24. keenan
    You don't have a problem - trust me. It sounds like you just have different needs. Have you tried having an open conversation about it? It may be good to learn if he just has a lower sex drive in general, or if something is bothering him. Alternately, would you feel loved and close if you just snuggled together? Maybe he could do that.... I'd feel just as frustrated, though.
  25. keenan
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