keenan

lmao. toilet paper was my first choice, but i was afraid it would sound cynical. it's not -- i really am grateful for toilet paper! i love paper towels, too. maybe i'm grateful for trees...and recycling, of course.

Kleenex (sniffle)

hmmm ~ i know just what you mean! i love good conversation ~ everything from fast-paced, witty banter to deliberate and meaningful discussions. if it doesn't happen naturally i tend to ask a lot of questions to draw people out & keep the conversation moving along. i think it's the ambiguity that makes not talking uncomfortable: 'talking' usually means you're on the same wavelength, with good 'flow' and give and take, but 'not talking' can mean lots of things...quiet mood, anger, boredom, disagreement, shyness, different styles...whatever. millions of potential disconnects. BUT...the guy i'm seeing is super mellow and is totally fine with loooong silences. at first i found it pretty uncomfortable...especially on the phone. honestly, i still (4 months in) don't love it. but like you, the chemistry, values, etc. are all in place...so i'm learning to savor the spaces between the words, the nuance, etc. no advice here, just empathy.

glad you got to touch base and recharge a bit. here's a toast to more bad weeks (for your ex)....

are they triplets?

you're welcome!

If you "never ever ask" me how I feel, I will feel angry...and you will know it. So yes, I think the answer to your question is TRUE.

she's probably not on here. i think we all get a little paranoid about that once in awhile, lol. i don't know what to tell you. i'm glad you had a nice talk and that you're on speaking terms. it's obvious that you care about each other, and that she wants you to get through this with as little pain as possible. more that i'd like, i'm still feeling like she's taking you on the 'letting you down easy' walk. it's like a balloon slowly drifting to the ground...it catches a breeze once in awhile, but eventually it lands, bounces a couple of times, and then sits for awhile. who knows if she (the breeze) will figure things out and come back to you. notice that my metaphor puts you in a passive position, and her in an active one. all you can do at this point is manage your own behavior...and you're doing that beautifully. you've made it clear that you love her and are open to rekindling a relationship in the future. you haven't freaked out and made her angry, frightened, or so overtly sad that she'll be tempted to shut down and avoid you. going forward, your top priority at this point should be to take care of yourself...which means being active, not obsessing about her, looking for opportunities to socialize, and keeping an open mind about possibly moving on. *if you are sure that you want to keep your door open for awhile (and that you can handle the uncertainty that comes from this)*, continue to be kind, caring, and open toward her, but not obviously sad or needy. she knows you love her, and that will be in the back of her mind as she begins to date other people. if she has some negative experiences, she's going to remember you as a safe harbor, and a pleasant place to return to. but in the spirit of my original advice, don't be *too* open or available. you don't want her to regard you just as a backup, but rather as a really great opportunity that she let slip away. a little bit of mystery intrigues. and btw...you ARE a really great opportunity, and she IS letting you slip away. allow yourself to be a little bit angry about that. in general, my motto is to live so that you don't have any regrets. this doesn't just mean 'don't screw anything up', but also means 'take chances that are worth taking, and that you'll regret not taking.' it's a balancing act. one step at a time. bottom line? whether the relationship is repaired or not, you'll look back on this period often over the next few years, and you'll want to be proud of handling yourself with dignity, but also confident that you made all reasonable efforts to move forward with someone you care about. i think you're doing that well.

uhhh...wow. sexy. i mean..."what i'm doing here now is using sarcasm, because that's funny."

R ~ Welcome to ENA! Thanks for taking the time to share your story. Your new attitude is fantastic. You go!

no prob. it's always tough to deal with secrecy stuff like this when it's your family, but especially when there are so many tricky issues that come into play over one little thing -- like, does the amount of the money matter (40 bucks vs. 400 vs. 4000), or is it just the principle that matters (that one person has extra that the other doesn't know about). or...does it really count as 'family' money if it was an 'extra' job he did on the side, or is it 'his' money in that case. or..even if it's technically 'family' money, is it fine for your dad to have *some* degree of private spending power b/c it keeps him happier, and thereforeeee keeps your parents happier...and if so, how much money is ok. and does your mom do the same thing? and this particular issue aside, is it weird for one parent to casually ask that you keep something from the other just to keep life simpler, or is that ok? so... i get that even though it's not THAT big a deal, it feels complicated because there's lots tangled up with it. i still think you probably shouldn't worry about it too much. it's cool that you're thinking about it so carefully, though.

it's complicated. i think couples should be open and honest about money, but i also think that individuals within a relationship should have some degree of financial freedom. it's apparently pretty common for couples to hide little things like this from one another (for example, there was an article in the NY Times recently about the huge number of women who buy clothes with cash so that their husbands won't give them a hard time about it). this is really about what kind of relationship your parents have, and whether it works for them. if they fight about money a lot and money is tight, then it wasn't great for your dad to put you in the position of feeling conflicted. but if money is ok, and mostly they seem happy and able to communicate about stuff, then i wouldn't sweat it.

i read your posts. no, i don't think it's hopeless at all. you sound like a really nice, reasonable guy, and i was thinking even when i posted my last comment that i hope you guys do find a way to work it out. i think it's sometimes hard to figure out from ENA postings what the true feelings of the 'dumper' are.... in your case, for example, whether she truly just wanted some space and time to get her feelings in order, whether she really wanted to break up but is trying to ease out of it gradually to spare your feelings, or (most extreme) whether she wanted to break up and was very clear about it but you're grasping at straws. the last case is unfortunately all to frequent on ENA (sometimes to the point of near self-destruction). i think that those of us who have been around here for awhile (and especially those of us who have - at some point - spent time grasping at straws ourselves) are sensitive to the tell-tale signs, and so come out of the gate swinging hard for NC. it's almost a reflex. but really...at heart i'm a softie, and i honestly can't tell if she *really* wants a 'break' or a 'break up'...so i'm hedging. NC is supposed to protect *you* from hurting even more than you already do. it's not about strategy. so if you're pretty darn sure that she just needs time (and aren't just stringing yourself along), then i think you should be gentle and kind with her...stay in contact but don't be needy or overbearing. still wait just a bit before replying, and do be brief. but leave the door open if you can handle that. i like lifestream's post. good luck, and do keep us posted.

No way. Let him go.

i honestly don't know. i thought it never really went away. you should ask a doctor.

no soup for her. good move.

i'm not very good at this, either. she's reaching out to you just a tiny bit to make sure you're still there. you have to decide if you're willing to serve as her training wheels as she adjusts to single life. many people here will tell you to stop all contact with her. that's probably the right thing. she's wanting to hold on to the comforts and security of having you as a friend, and feel less guilty about breaking it off. you're vulnerable to it b/c you want her back so much. if you opt NOT to do that, it will be a matter of trying to find that very fine line between letting her know that you're there in case she decides that she made a mistake (very unlikely, i'm afraid)...and being a jack-in-the-box who pops up everytime she goes looking for you. i'd say either ignore it, or wait at least two days and respond VERY BRIEF and POSITIVE little note that doesn't disclose a lot of information about what you've been up to ~ something like, 'hey there...sorry it's been awhile; things have been really busy around here. hectic, but fun. hope you're doing well! ttyl.' that lets her know that you're around, but not moping, and may pique her interest just a tiny bit. i dunno. i hate the 'mind game' aspect of it. maybe others will offer more.

Lots of people have experienced scary and painful things in life. It's possible that this girl just got her allotment a bit earlier than usual...and that she's stronger and wiser and more resilient for it. Honestly, if she's the kind of girl you want to be with, she would probably prefer that you treat her with kindness and respect, but not too much shock or pity. It's nice that she trusts you enough to tell you that stuff.

Philly ~ good to see you around again. Great advice here. I'm with hosswispra...back off, try once more, and then just let it go. But hold her to a higher standard next time you contact her--if she flakes again...bye bye. You're a sweetheart and can do better.

smarts, humor, warmth, and 'down to earth-ed-ness' are fairly constant...but sensitivity, need for intimacy, charisma, and appearance are variable.

jw, you're getting lots of really great advice here. i don't have anything to add except moral support. stay strong.

i know. i'm sorry this is so hard. ride the wave...it will pass (and another will come along...but they'll get smaller over time).

It's possible that she means what she says -- that she wants to exchange stuff. She might feel more positively about you if you agreed to (the timing of) her request, rather than attempting to take control of the situation by putting her off. I would feel frustrated with you if you did that to me. As for her friend -- who knows. It could be genuine, or she could be hitting on you. Either way, it would be more respectful to your ex to let it drop.

Men lie for the same reasons women lie: greed, fear, habit, conflict avoidance, protection, the desire to impress. Am sorry you're hurting.

agreed ~ it's nice to be on the good side of the "wondering" game.