keenan

sorry, our posts crossed.

Yeah, I experience this all the time, too. I really battle insomnia, and my name for this is 'spinning brain'. But emilyemily used the word "flashing"...so I wonder if this is a different phenomenon than thinking about things and not being able to turn it off. I know it is for me. Dunno...maybe I'm the only one. EmEm, whatcha think?

hey, weird. i've never heard anybody else talk about this, but when i get stressed i have a similar experiences. just as i'm drifting off to sleep i get these really brief 'scenario' flashes of bad things happening--both little (tripping, falling, papercuts) and big (car crashes). they don't last long ('cause i fall asleep!) and i never really think about it when i'm awake. but i've wondered once in awhile what's really going on w/ that. in real life i'm not a morbid person at all (sassy and a bit cynical, yes; morbid, no), so i don't really understand the 'pain' aspect of my flashes. pls keep me posted if you learn anything!

...or cause one.

I have a good friend who studies sex and flirting for a living (really!!), and she always says that physical contact like that--with no real excuse--is one of the biggest signs that somebody is interested in you. Well, it's actually a little more complicated: Her research suggests that if a girl 'accidentally on purpose' touches a guy, the guy will tend to interpret that as "Oh, she wants me," even though the girl may or may not actually be seriously flirting. But if a guy touches a girl, he's probably into her...or testing her to see if she's interested...but she may or may not pick up on it. I guess overall, it means guys are more likely to attach meaning to physical contact than women are (hello...really? ). I hope I didn't just really butcher my friend's research...and yikes, please don't be offended or yell at me if you disagree with those huge generalizations! But the point is, love, it sure seems like he's flirting with ya. And we don't really need research to tell us that, eh?

Hey...take a deep breath, BayArea. This must be rough. You're in a totally different environment (college, yeesh), doing your best to cope with a ton of new responsibilities, social pressures, academic stressors, probably living in a new place with new people, maybe in a new city. Right now you're trying to figure out a new system and juggle a whole new set of problems that, frankly, would scare anybody. Plus, it sounds like you've got some pretty high standards for yourself, so it's even harder to not be kicking butt in the subjects you know you're good at--the things that seem the most manageable right now. I know you feel like a failure at this new game--you're probably frustrated and mad and a little freaked out, and I don't blame you. Having said that, I'll also say that the moose is right; you're being really hard on yourself. Too hard. I was thinking about this the other day. It sounds really trite, but school is really not all about the grades. I mean it--college is a lot about figuring out how to manage all this crap while still being able to get some real enjoyment and inspiration out of your classes, figuring out (a little bit) who you are and what your place in the world is, and having a fun and healthy social life--sports, hobbies, volunteering, friends. I know it seems like you're being evaluated all the time--the grades do that--but this experience is really for and about YOU--what you're thinking and feeling and learning about life, the world. I know this sounds like pep talk blather, but I wanted to say it because I realized this too late...because I was a lot like you. I spend a *ton* of time studying in college--an absurd amount. I wanted to 4-point every quarter, so I'd get so wrapped up in each individual assignment, paper, exam, presentation, etc. that I would devote all my energies to it--and after 4 years of that mess, rather than looking back on college as a process of education, enlightenment, or self-discovery, or heck...FUN, I look back and see a steady stream of conquests, each one of which is totally, 100% meaningless in isolation. It summed up to a good GPA and a crappy college experience. I *promise* that a bad grade on a paper isn't going to really affect your chances of getting into grad school, or getting a cool job that you love. But spending this week feeling frustrated and upset may have a lot of consequences. I guess my actual advice would be to be pragmatic about this. Rather than think about it as a failure on your part, think about it as a problem to be solved. You're probably stressed about a lot of things, but you mentioned your English paper so I'll use that as an example. Go to your TA or professor and ask what you're doing wrong; what you can improve. Try to figure out where you're really not meeting his/her 'A' standards: are you not really understanding the content, or are you not being detailed enough in your analysis, or could your writing use some organizational clean-ups? S/he'll tell you. I *know* that seems obvious, and I'm sure that you've heard it before. But really--it's not as magical or mysterious as it seems, and I promise that your TA or prof will be really pleased that you actually care about being a better writer, and not just getting a better grade. You may not realize that behind the scenes, your prof is tired, overworked, underpaid, and cranky, and that she hears students complain all the time. She'd be glad to talk with somebody who really cares about improving. Some tips: E-mail her in advance and tell her that you're feeling disappointed with your performance in class and that you'd like to do better (no blame or anger). Ask if it's ok for you to bring a copy of your paper to her office *during office hours* so that she can give you specific tips on ways you can improve. Attach your paper to the e-mail so that she can print it out and look at it ahead of time if she has the chance. Then, don't be late. Let her know how you're feeling, but be nice. Ask questions. Listen. And next time around, take a little more time with your paper, and incorporate her suggestions. Ask your TA if she can look over it and give you feedback, or take it to your college writing center. I’m sure this seems excessive, especially since English is a strong subject for you. But remember that college is a different game, with different standards, and part of any game is figuring out the rules. Good luck!!

Welcome, choccocat. We're in a somewhat similar situation. My husband of 10 years moved out very recently...but he'd been sliding away emotionally since November. It was excruciating to have him in the house, because I'd always want to strike up 'the' conversation (i.e., "So...how are you feeling [about us] today?"). I didn't really think of this as a manipulation, or as self-inflicted emotional torture. I convinced myself that I was being rational and helpful; that I owed it to both of us to try to figure out the root cause of the problem. HIS problem, that is. Smile. But really...I think I was just trying to save us the only way I knew how. He's a good guy, we're good friends, and he does love me in his way…so he'd try to dissect it with me. We exhausted each other. I admit it—I sobbed like a kid after he moved out. Now I'm mostly numb. I HATE coming home to an empty house--it's very quiet and lifeless—still much more like the 'absense of him' than the 'presense of me'. But—more to the point, and to answer your question—I have to say that the pain of this 'blank spot' in my life is much, much easier than the pain of seeing him every night, walking a bit on eggshells so that everything would be perfect and normal…so that he would remember how he used to feel about me. Snuggling up to him in bed only to have him shift away from me...just slightly. Just enough to hurt. I finally realized I was insulting both of us by trying to massage and manage the situation...and that I was draining myself…so I let him go. It's harder in some ways, but it's easier in many others. On balance, I think it's better to not have him here. I'm really not in a position to give advice, but I've learned a few tricks over the past few weeks. First, my friends have been absolutely amazing, and one of the things that I've gained from this experience is realizing how many (and how much) people love me. Try to spend time with your friends (and family, if you have any), and be really easy with yourself. Get out of bed in the morning, take a shower, fix your hair. Act like it's going to be a fun day. If you have the time and extra money, do some nice little things for yourself: go to a coffee shop, read the newspaper, eat lunch with friends. See movies, hike, bike, listen to music that makes you feel good. It sounds obvious, but it's so easy right now to just lie in bed and feel pathetic, then move to the couch or chair and stare at the wall. But if you pretend that you're ok, and act like it, it at least establishes a bit of physical normalcy for you to rebuild your life around. As an aside, one thing I'm irritated by is that I'm finding it really difficult to concentrate on my work, even though I really need to be kicking butt on the job right now! I envy people who can immerse themselves in productive (rather than just emotionally soothing) tasks. And last but not least, finding THIS group of fine people has been really, really helpful. Not only does reading all these thoughtful, relevant posts fills in those random solitary hours in the day when I don't have the energy to do other things, it provides a pretty significant amount of excellent advice that builds my resolve and inspires me. I've learned a ton in a short while. (Thanks, everybody.) Big hug, choccocat. Hope to see you around.

Indeed it is. I've found comfort in your posts, too, Dako. I've only been hanging around here for a couple of days, but your situation has really resonated with me. Am tryin' to ride in your draft, so don't fall down (wry smile).

I don't think your post looks puzzling, Dako. Just contemplative. My husband and I have been (were?) married for 10 years. We've always had a rock solid friendship and tons of passion for one another, and we laugh that every few years our love for each other really catches fire even more, and doesn't cool. Our biggest escalation happened around our 8th anniversary. We spent the whole time laughing like kids, amazed at how absolutely wild about each other we were. Tapering off to routine? Nah. Of course, some stories have sad endings, and that's why I'm here. We're still best friends and love each other very much, but over the last several months his passion for me has cooled...and has kept cooling…and now he's not at all sure he sees a future with me anymore--at least, a romantic future. Falling out of love? I didn't really believe it happened, but I'm experiencing the fallout. It's like we rode it 'til the wheels fell off. We're both sad. He feels really guilty, too. Sometimes I feel an enormous amount of frustration and despair at watching my life, my (imagined) future, disappear in a puff of smoke. I also respect him, though, and of course I don't want to force or manipulate the situation to get him to stay. It's strange and difficult to not have him here, though. Hmmm…I think I should have posted this as a new Break-up/Divorce thread instead of as a reply. Sorry.