Cherish_Me

I'm glad I'm single today because.... I can finally look at other guys, think "wow he is hot," and not feel guilty about it! LOL

Hi Everyone, In the past few weeks, I happened to stumble upon this website after searching hours and hours for ideas on "how to get your ex back" and "how to deal with break ups." I was never really a big fan of forums, but when I came accross this website it struck a huge chord with me. When I thought that no one else could ever be feeling the same way I feel, I found a group of diverse people who were experiencing EXACTLY what I was going through. I, along with countless other people, appreciate the comments of encouragement and positivity regarding break ups, healing, and moving on with your life. I can see my 1st post as the beginning of a therapeutic journal, and I look forward to writing many more. I also look forward to replying to other member's posts, and to let them know that we are all here for each other! I am turning 21 in March, and I just experienced the first relationship in my life. I had crushes throughout grade school and high school, but this was the first time I had ever exclusively dated someone. I was never looking for a boyfriend, but I kind of just met him by accident when I skipped school one day. It lasted 1 year and 3 months. We met at university, and we saw each other as often as we could. We lived about an hour and a half drive away from each other, so it was difficult to see each other outside of school. He ended up switching schools as well, so that made it even harder to see each other. It typically ended up that I would spend the weekend at his house, he lives with his parents and brother. He was close with my family, and I was close with his family. We were a good couple, and hung out often with his friends. We talked alot over the phone, via email, and using msn messenger. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning, and the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. Everything was perfect until.... December 20 2006: Out of the blue, I get the dreaded email no one ever wants to read. 2 days before my last exam, and right before Christmas. We last saw each other a few weeks before that, and I was busy studying hard for my exams, while he was finished his. I told him I would be busy for the next little while, and he acknowledged that he understood that. The days leading up to this email consisted of him not paying alot of attention to me, but I assumed he was busy with other things, so I just let it go. We were supposed to get together for xmas anyways, so I was very much looking forward to that weekend after all my exams were done. The short email suggested he lost interest in me, mainly b/c we didn't see each other much due to distance and school work. Also that we didn't do anything while together, and it would be best for us to break up. With both of us living at home, it was extremely difficult for us to be "intimate" if you will. The last time of intimacy was maybe 2-3 months prior to that. So there I had it, the relationship I cherished so greatly had fizzled out in his opinion. He sent the email at 2 am, and I read it at 6 am... I called him right away, and after 45 minutes of civilized conversation, he agreed to see if we could patch things up. He would give it one month, that's what I asked for. If things were not ok by that time, I agreed that we should call it quits. I had high expectations. I assumed he would come to his senses and realise I was his everything, and that he couldn't be without me. We spent 2 weekends together. Sometimes it was fun, sometimes it wasn't. We would have good moments and bad moments. I was miserable with him, and miserable without him. We cuddled, hugged, and held hands like before...but when we kissed it was like he was disgusted by me....and our kisses never lasted more than 5 seconds at a time. I would cry, and he would console me. We talked and laughed and flirted like we did before, but something was missing. He was back and forth on everything; he liked me, but he wasn't sure...He wanted to be with me, but he wasn't sure. I assumed that he had stressful things going on in his life, and some people push others away when they are having problems. Everytime I asked if he wanted to talk about anything that was bothering him, he would put it off by saying "I don't really like talking about my feelings, maybe online, but not face to face." But through this all, I had high hopes that everything would be fine. January 10 2007: He ended it for good, this time over messenger. He never gave me my month, but 3 weeks instead. He was sick of seeing me miserable from everything that happened. He was sick of pretending to be interested in me. Most of all, he was sick of being in a relationship with anyone, and he justs wants to be alone. Even after this time, I pleaded and begged him to reconsider, but he wouldn't. We would hang out after this time, but it would just end in frustration for both of us. When I asked hime why he wanted to be my friend (he isn't friends with his other exes), he replied that he wanted to, he still cared about me although not in a romantic way, and that he didn't want to lose contact with me. When I look back at it, trying to get back together with him is a huge regret I have. If one person has doubts in a relationship, that is a very good sign that something is not right, and that it will likely not work out. It's just the way life goes. One trip to the emergency, endless tears, wasted time and money, wasted energy, and wasted sleep are definetly not worth it! Especially on account of a guy! I stopped going to the gym, I gained and lost weight, my skin was terrible due to my lack of sleep, and I was generally feeling like crap all of the time. The fact is he changed. I saw it, my family saw it, and even his own family acknowledged it. Let's call him Joey. There was the Joey I knew before we dated, the Joey I knew while we dated, and the Joey I know now. I despise the Joey I know now. He is cold, distant, and unsympathetic. How dare you think I can get over you in 2 weeks and resume our friendship! Why were you so cruel and insensitive when you knew I was hurting so bad? If you want us to be friends, why do you still treat me like dirt? Wow, so many questions, so few answers. I'll never know why you changed b/c you never talked about things that were bugging you. You will have problems with later relationships b/c you won't acknowledge that you have a hard time with the concept of COMMUNICATION. I will acknowledge that I am not perfect, in fact far from it, but I didn't change one bit, I'm still the same ole me. Trust was a problem in our relationship. I had profiles on dating sites, but once I started dated him, I took them all down. I found out during our relationship that he had at least 2 active dating profiles, that said he was single and looking for girls. He even made another one on a website while we were going through our "trial period." He would always clear his history before I went on his computer, so obviously I was suspicious. I lightly questioned his faithfullness many times throughout our relationship, but he brushed it off by getting angry at me for even thinking that way. The last time I saw him, he was obssessed over talking to a girl in his class who was moving away. He would leave the room to call her, and neglect me in the process. He would always watch to see if she was online, and immediately talk to her when she signed in. I admit it, I snooped on his computer sometimes. I went to read a document that I thought was his assignment for school. It was. And it discussed how he broke up with me...also included how he had strong feelings for a classmate who was moving away in a few weeks. I put 2 and 2 together; this was the girl he was talking to all the time! I don't think the classmate knew of his feelings either. I don't believe he would ever admit if he cheated or not, he didn't before and I doubt he would tell me in the future, but I don't think I really care now. I don't need to confirm something that is probably true, I should of went with my gut instinct in the first place. I initiated no contact at 5 pm on January 24. He wants to be friends, but emotionally I'm not ready, and I told him it would not be a good idea for me right now. He said he would be there when I was ready, but to be honest, I might just be having too much of a good time without him to remember to even contact him again. The qualities he possesses now don't match up with the qualities I need in a friend - so I don't believe he is worthy of my friendship. Most of all, I can't trust him and I don't really believe a word he says anymore. I am looking forward to heading to the gym everyday (I even bought new gym clothes), focusing on my school work, spending time with my family, and focusing on myself-which I haven't done in a looonnngg time! I will admit that I am looking forward to meeting someone who will treat me a million times better than my ex did, but for now I am happily single! I want to get myself back to 100%, so I can fully give myself to the next person who comes along. I know this post is terribly terribly long, but this is the first time I have fully acknowledged any of this, and it feels great to get it all out. As my sleep schedule is still totally out of wack and it's 4 am now, I apologise in advance for the ramblings, spelling errors, and misunderstandings. Thanks for taking the time to read what I have to say, (much appreciated!), R.