netman
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Yes, I do look. Sometimes I think that that's why this whole thing bothers me so much. I am the type to look at the breasts and butts of the beautiful women walking down the street, and when I do that I think, "man, someone's probably looking at my girl's body like this". Could this be my problem? Do you think that if I pushed myself not to look so much that it would help me?
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Maybe you've seen my posts before, but if you haven't and you're interested, here's one my original posts: link removed Anyhow, my relationship with my g/f is better than ever right now and I trust her 100% but it still bothers me when I know that she's going to work or to her college classes and she dresses kind of tight and stuff because I know that she's going to get that extra attention. The first instinct is that it's my jealousy and insecurities, which I do have some problems with, but I'm a whole lot better now, and right now I'm convinced that it's not that anymore. The thing is that I don't fear that someone is going to steal her away from me or that she's going to leave me for someone else; it just straight up bothers me thinking about men looking at my girl's breasts when she wears her tight shirts or her butt in her tight jeans or when she's wearing something showing a little cleavage. In my head I'm thinking, "why should they enjoy looking at her body like that?" I've been really good at keeping these thoughts in my head and holding my tongue (for the most part) so it's not a major issue as far as our relationship, but if I could get over this silly issue in my head I would be 200% happier. For example, last week I picked my girl up from her job and she had a button down shirt open with a V-Neck tang top that showed a little cleavage and the whole time I'm talking to her I'm staring at her cleavage and I'm thinking, "she went to school dressed liked that and now work?" and I'm thinking about all the guys that must have gotten the chance to stare at her cleavage too. I remained cool until in the train, it irked me when I caught some guy sneaking a peak at her cleavage so I told her in a stern kind of mean way, "close your shirt!!" and I felt so terrible about it afterwards since I never tell her what to do like that, and I don't want to turn into one of these controlling, obsessive boyfriends, which I'm totally not. Most of all, I don't want to turn her off. What could it be if it's not jealousy and insecurities?
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I have to say that this situation is kind of sticky. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's obvious that you and the neighbor were attracted to each other while you guys were still in your respective relationships. And if that's not the case, your ex's will surely see it that way regardless which makes it that much more complex. Since you and the neighbor were able to move on so quickly, especially with people that your ex's knew, then your ex b/f could view it as disrespect and sorry to say I might have to agree with that. You're definitely going to have to break it to him as delicately and sympathetically as possible. Did your attraction to the neighbor and vice versa have anything to do with your respective breakups? SAM, congrats on being a Candidate Moderator. Since I started posting here I've seen you give tons of great advice to a lot of people. You're definitely an asset to enotalone.com. Good luck on your candidacy!!
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You and your husband have 25 years together. He continues to do all the wrong things, so it's obvious that you talking to him is not going to help anymore. I suggest marriage counseling. If he agrees, then he's proving that he wants to make this work. If he doesn't, then I think you should leave him. I know that it'll be hard to leave your husband because of reasons like you're probably comfortable with your living arrangements, etc, but you have to think, "do I want to live like this for the rest of my life?" I wish you luck in whatever decision you make.
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Might be seeing ex soon, current b/f not happy...
netman replied to faeriechyld's topic in Trust and Relationships
SAM is on the money as always, and I couldn't have said it better myself. Jealous men in relationships (I'm in recovery tend to focus on the thoughts of men pursuing their women, as opposed to the other way around. They imagine that some knight in shining armor is going to sweet talk and woo their women away from them. In this society, women get hit on daily and the prettier ones that much more. For example, my g/f is very beautiful and she dresses semi tight and stuff, so I know that she's going to get hit on and gawked at that much more, but what helps me in my jealousy is to think of how much she loves me and how she proves it daily and to know in my head and in my heart that I am better than ANYONE out there for her, and that she knows it and I know it. It may sound kind of weird, but it does wonders for me. Anyhow, you recognize that he has a jealousy problem and you're coming here seeking advice so obviously you care about him a lot. Just try to reassure him that you care about him and only him and that you don't have any intentions of doing anything behind his back. If you can, call him from that place you're going. Trust me, he'll feel great about the fact that you're thinking about him while you're there. That'll put him at ease a little. Be understanding, but at the same time remember that his jealousy is his problem not yours. I wouldn't be thrilled if my g/f was going to hang out with some friends and her ex, but I don't think you're doing anything wrong. If when you get back he starts giving you the detective interagation, answer some of the questions but stop him immediately when it gets out of hand. Everytime you answer his questions, it'll encourage more and more questions. If you answer all of his jealous questions, he's going to always ask you those types of questions everytime you go out on your own. Good luck with your relationship and always keep the communication open. -
Try to make some friendly conversation, and when I say friendly don't give her heavy signs that you're interested; that may turn her off. If she's really pretty, you have to imagine that there's at leat 5 other guys (or maybe more) in your class or school that could be coming on strong, and you could be #6. Just be friendly and try to make her laugh. I wouldn't invite her out unless she showed some interest, which so far she hasn't. Work on the friendship and then you could work on getting the girl, not the other way around. Hope this helps.
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I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I could imagine that this came from left field since she is so attached and loving towards you. Me personally, because of past experiences, I would leave my girl in a heartbeat if I found out she kissed another guy, but that's just me. I think you guys really need to talk about this and you have to decide if you can stay in that relationship knowing that she cheated on you and you guys have to work out why it happened. Could there be something missing, or does she have issues with you that she just hasn't told you about? That happened to me before with my ex; she cheated on me when I thought that the relationship was at its best. That experience gave me deep insecurities and jealousy issues that I'm still trying to get over almost 8 years later. I stayed with my ex another 3 years, but we had a miserable relationship since I couldn't trust her and I became ridiculously jealous. And I used to have pains in my stomach, my chest, I also couldn't sleep, and I became mildly depressed. Really, really think within yourself if you could really handle staying in that relationship knowing what you know. Good luck....
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I don't think you should leave, but I think that you should turn the tide a bit. See how he likes it when you start showing him less affection and everything else. It may be hard to do because you love him so much, but maybe he'll feel that he may lose you and maybe he'll get his act together.
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I read that same book and it helped me out tremendously. I hope you take the time to pick it up and read it cover to cover. I wouldn't say I'm cured, but it really helped me to the point that I can let things go much easier now and I could say that my relationship is soooo much better now. Good luck!!
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It's funny that I'm reading this post today, because since this past weekend I've been having some doubts about my relationship with my g/f; I'm 27 and she's 22. We've been together almost a year and we've already been talking about getting married after she finishes college in 2 years. But now that we've gotten closer, there's certain things about her personality that just annoy me. I've made my statements about my dislikes, but I don't think that it helped any because she still continues to do those same things. Relationships are not about changing someone (and it shouldn't be), but I do believe compromise to a certain degree is not unreasonable. Sometimes I wonder to myself, "can I handle living with this annoyance for the rest of my life?" She doesn't know it, but these little things have made me unhappy and it leaves me with doubts about us. I love her and we otherwise have a great relationship, but I don't know if I should reconsider this commitment or just let it go and go with the flow . Any thoughts from anyone?
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WHY DO MEN HAVE TO LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN
netman replied to SweetypieEnlightenedOne's topic in Dating Advice
Nope, she doesn't have ADD. I think everyone has the instict to look when there's movement, but IMO when you're talking to someone (g/f, friend, brother, anyone) that should be curbed or at least an attempt should be made. Wouldn't you find that rude when you're talking to someone, and that person starts spacing out looking at everyting around as if you're not even sitting there? That's how I feel each and everytime. -
WHY DO MEN HAVE TO LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN
netman replied to SweetypieEnlightenedOne's topic in Dating Advice
I know that the original post was directed towards men, but I'm having a similar issue with my g/f. Everytime my g/f and I are sitting down in a restaurant or in the train or where ever, she has a tendency to look at EVERY one passing by. Even when we're in the middle of conversation she'll turn her head to look at the guys, girls, children, etc and it drives me nuts!!! To me it's not a jealousy thing, but a respect thing, but she takes it that I'm complaining because I think that she's checking out the other guys which is not the case. When I'm sitting with my g/f somewhere, I focus on her and our conversation, not what's around us. I talked to her about it and she says that she's not doing anything wrong and that she's always been like that, but I can't stand it!! I've NEVER been with someone who does this. Even my male friends don't look at everything around us when we conversate. Am I going overboard with this? -
GREAT book if you want to rid your jealousy!!
netman replied to netman's topic in Book Talk's Topics
I believe so. This book deals with all types of jealousy, not just jealousy in relationships. Good luck!! -
Hey Blondy, getting over jealousy and insecurity is not easy and it's sometimes a day to day work in progress. You're definitely on the way to getting better if you're acknowledging that you have a problem and you're seeking help. One selp-help book that I'm sure would help you tremendously is "Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness" by Paul A. Hauck Read my post below for my feedback on the book. Good luck!!! link removed
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I am currently in a great relationship with a wonderful women, and we love each other equally. I am a very romantic, spontaneous kind of guy who doesn't over do it, but my g/f on the other hand, is not very romantic, at least to the degree that I'd like it to be. She does show me and proves to me that she loves all the time, but I wish that she would surprise me with the little things once in a while without me having to ask. I sent her a book in the mail last week called, "101 Ways to Say I Love You" and I wrote something in the book subtly telling her that I sent this as motivation. She loved the book, and she did come to my job 2 days ago just to surprise me (which she'd never done), but I still don't feel satisfied. I've been considering slowing down my romantic ways for a little while hoping she'll get the hint. Does this sound like the thing to do? Any ideas?
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I've been intimate with a good amount of women, and I could say first hand that this does vary from woman to woman. I've had girls that could only take 2 fingers before they're squirming in pain, and I've been with girls where I could stick 4 fingers with no problem, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. I don't think a girl is "too loose" if I could stick 4 fingers as opposed to 2. Sounds to me like you're a little concerned that maybe your girl is more loose than other girls, maybe loose in the sexual way more pertaining to her past. Don't let thoughts of her past get to you if that's what's going through your mind. Just be happy you're the one fingering her now (sorry, couldn't help myself on that one ).
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You're going through and are guilty of emotional infidelity in the biggest way and it's wrong. But you haven't done anything physical, but sounds to me that the physical cheating could come any minute. You work with him so you can't stop being in contact with him, but stop talking to him about this and stop talking to him via messenger. If you love your husband, you'll stop ASAP.
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Give it up. She's showing that she has low interest in you, and if you keep calling her she'll lose even more interest in you. If you've left messages with your number (which I'm sure you have) and she hasn't called you back yet, let it go. You may be thinking, "what do I have to lose?". If she's interested she'll call you back. If she doesn't, oh well. You don't want to be with a girl that has low interest in you anyway. There's too many girls out there to be stuck on this one...
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Have some napkins handy. My ex used to love giving me handjobs every time we'd go to the movies. Damn this post is definitely bringing back some good memories......
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It depends on your motive. Would you do it for the attention of showing your breasts, or just to try something new? Personally, I would have a big time problem with my girl flashing for beads. Hell yeah that would make me jealous, if I'm not jealous enough now. The thought of my girl flashing guys for beads would drive me nuts. I would leave my girl in a heartbeat if I found out that she did this behind my back. It's not about jealousy in this case, it's about respect and I think it would be disrespectful to do this behind your b/f's back. Talk to him about it. If he's ok with it, then fine. But if not, I wouldn't go there if I were you. Is the thrill that worth it if he were to find out and he were to leave you for doing that behind his back?
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Hey elvatlonko, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. That is my worst fear!! This all started because of her emotional infidelity. The minute she told you that she and this co-worker started discussing their respective relationships, that should have raised a major red flag. Emotional infidelity is the direct path to cheating, although I believe that emotional infidelity IS cheating, but that's arguable. Does she still work with this other guy? Besides admitting to the deed, what else is she doing to help reassure you that she'd never do this to you again? I know that your trust in her is damaged, so she has a lot of work to do to re-establish your trust. My advice would probably have been to leave her because of the loss of trust and because of the deep insecurities and suspicions that you may develop if you stay with her, but I see that you guys really love each other and by coming to you she obviously loves you enough to let her guilt get to her. You guys have a lot of talking and communicating to do. I suggest you do what I did. In the first few months of being with my current g/f, it seemed that we were going to stay together for the long haul, so I drove her nuts for a whole week printing out articles and case studies on emotional infidelity, even though it didn't even happen. I felt that it was important enough to discuss early in the relationship, because I wanted to make sure that we set expectations for each to alleviate future misunderstandings and whatnot. I know that it sunk in because just a few days ago me and one of her female friends were having a discussion on her current relationship, and my g/f was the first one to bring up the emotional infidelity facture. What a smile that brought to my face. Go to google and do a search on emotional infidelity and print out a few articles and discuss them with your wife. This could probably help you guys from preventing this from happening again. Good luck and keep us updated with your progress.
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Winkie, you're WAY off. The problem is hers not his, period end of story. The first step in curing jealousy and insecurity is admiting you're the one with the problem, not the other way around. I've been on both sides of the jealousy thing, so I know first hand.
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I have what I think is a severe case of premature ejaculation. I've been with over 50 women in my life and I NEVER had a problem with ejaculating too quickly. In fact, I normally go at least 30, 40 minutes with no problem. But now, when me and my girlfriend get into it, she gives me oral and I cvm in like 3, 4 minutes. Forget sex; 9 to 10 pumps and I'm already cvmming. Me and my g/f were fine when we first started having sex, but like I said it's been about 2, 3 months that this problem has been happening. It has to be something physical. Sometimes I'm at my desk at work, and all of a sudden down there I start getting feelings on my penis and testicles that feel like a cross between having to urinate and having to ejaculate; mostly the feeling is that I have to ejaculate. This happens VERY often. And just to try to "troubleshoot" the problem, I've tried masterbating and same results; I come within 2 minutes or so. I've never had any feelings like this in my life!!! I've been doing research on the net, and the closest thing I could find that matches my symptoms is that I may have damaged my parasympathetic sexual (blatter) nerve. I did masterbate a lot for many years. Anybody out there know anything about this and how to correct this? It's destroying my sex life and my self-esteem. UUGGGHHH!!!!!!
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Cuu, I could relate to what you're going through, but I realize that if you can't trust your g/f when she goes out it's definitely because of some insecurities and fears on your part even though you SAY that you don't have trust issues. You OBVIOUSLY do; admit it to yourself. Now if she rather go out with her friends then with you, it could be something else. Could she be neglecting you in other ways? Now how much trust can you give before you get hurt? That question is based on your fear of losing her. For a relationship to work, you have to give 100% trust, not just let's say 70% just to be safe. If your g/f is going to cheat, she's going to cheat REGARDLESS. Accept it. It's a hard reality but accept it. But you have to have 100% trust no matter what, because if you don't you may develop signs of suspicion and jealousy and things go downhill from there. Trust me, I know first hand.