netman

Thanks all for the replies. I've never done ANYTHING to give her reason not to trust me. She has a very aggressive attitude, and she's the kind of person who's always "right", in the sense that arguing with her is useless. She's see things a certain way, and it's hard to convince her to think otherwise. She claims that she's secure and she's not really a jealous person, but she can be possessive at times. She's the kind of girl who calls me at least 4 times a day while I'm at work, and if I'm hanging out she'll call me at least 3 times for no reason. It's like she has to know what I'm doing at all times, sometimes I think it's a control thing with her. Yup, if you read my past threads, you'll know that I've broken up with her in the past for her negative attitude and constant bickering. She's been so good for a while now, but ever since we've gotten engaged she's slowly gone back to arguing a little more. Anyhow, back to the subject. It's hard for her to see that I just want my privacy. I don't go through her stuff, so she shouldn't go through mine. Her logic is that I don't go through her stuff because I don't want her to go through my stuff. I don't know what to do. We're looking at wedding halls and narrowing down the date, so I really want to resolve this issue before we tie the knot..

I've been with my gf for about 3 years, and we're now engaged. We've been through some jealousy issues, but we've worked very hard to work through them. This site definitely helped a lot. Just wanted some input concerning relationships and privacy. Before we got engaged, we have gotten into little arguments once or twice because she feels that if I don't have anything to hide that I should have no problem letting her go through my e-mail. I don't see it that way. My e-mail is my e-mail; no ones sending her e-mails to my address so she has no business in my e-mail. Anyhow, now that we're engaged the subject is coming up more and more. Yesterday, she grabs my phone telling me she wants to see my calls and she wants to check my voicemail. I was livid to say the least. I grabbed the phone from her hand and told her that she has no right going through my phone. She was upset at first, but then she backed off after a little while. She thinks now that we're engaged, I shouldn't have any problem with her looking through my phone if I don't have anything to hide. I've had my trust issues in the past, but I've never looked through her stuff. My problem is that it's an invasion of the little privacy that I have with her. I'm not hiding anything, but I'm bothered by her looking through my stuff, point blank. I have a feeling that when we get married, it's going to be a bigger issue. Any married foks out there with this issue?

I think sex on the first date gives off all the wrong signals no matter how much of a good time you're having on the date, and no matter how much you like this guy. I can't speak for all guys, but for me sex on the first date is a turn on IF that's all I wanted out of it and a total turn off IF I was thinking about potentially having more than just sex, as in a relationship, etc. In my dating years, I used to live by the saying "Treat em like you meet em". So if on the first date, everything was going well and the girl ended up sleeping with me I would NEVER, EVER consider anything more with the girl beyond getting physical, PERIOD. No matter what you think, guys normally don't buy that, "I don't always do it on the first date" or "I don't normally do this". It's probably best if you don't even give an excuse. I've learned that girls that already have it in their head to give you sex will give it to you IF and only IF you make sure you don't make them FEEL like they're easy, like being a gentlemen and not being sexaully aggressive (sounds familiar)... To me, I'm just another cute guy the girl is out having fun with, and any other lucky guy with the same smooth game could hit a home run on the first night too. I don't know about other guys, but that's not the kind of girl I'd want to be with. You only have one chance to give a first impression, so even if you're not normally easy you probably already gave him the wrong idea. I'm sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear, but I'm just talking in my perspective. Girls do make mistakes, and maybe the guy sees things differently than I do. If you're thining about being more than just "friends with benefits", no more sex for a little while. You'll see the guy's true intentions after a few more dates and no sex.

This is a really good analogy and perspective on my situation. I never, ever thought of it in this way. And you're right, she never has to prove how she can have any man she wants, which means no head games and no trying to make me jealous. She's exactly like that, no games no nothing, so I should be happy and appreciative about that; now I think I am. Wow, you're really making me think. This has to be one of the best pieces of advice I've ever received. Gracias mi pana!!!...

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted here. I have posted many times some time ago (some of you might remember me) about my jealousy and insecurity issues. Here's an update: Around January, I broke up with this girl that I was being jealous and insecure over mostly because of her anger problem and her constant negativity. Since then she has not left me alone with the I'm sorry e-mails, phone calls, surprise visits, etc... Not in a fatal attraction kind of way, but in a "I'm going to fight for my love" kind of way. I thought that through breaking up with her I'd be free from my jealousy issues and her anger problem, but now it seems that she's done a lot to prove that she can work towards improving on her anger problem. Now, the problem is that I haven't quite worked out my jealousy issues yet. We're talking and it looks like we're getting back together, but now I'm back to feeling the same nervousness and jealousy feelings that I had way back when, but I'm not vocal about it at all. The biggest problem that I have in my head with her is that I can't stand the thought of guys checking her out, especially when I'm not around; it really doesn't bother me when we're together and it happens. She is very, very model like pretty and has a smokin body and she's used to wearing her tight jeans and tight shirts which really accentuate her gorgeous figure, especially her back side and it's drives me a little crazy inside!!! It doesn't bother me when we're together, but it drives me nuts picturing guys staring, flirting, and gawking at her all day long when I'm not around, like when she's at her college or when she's working. She even admits that guys flirt with her on a daily basis, though I do believe it in my heart that she doesn't reciprocate. It still kills me though. The weird part is that I don't fear that someone is going to steal her away from me or that she's going to leave me for someone else; it just straight up bothers me thinking about men looking at my girl's breasts when she wears her tight shirts or her butt in her tight jeans or when she's wearing something showing a little cleavage. In my head I'm thinking, "why should they enjoy looking at her body like that?" some of you might say that it boils down to trust, but I DO trust her so I don't know what it is. I'm soo mad because I thought that in my head I worked out all of these jealousy issues, but I guess not. Once of the main reasons why I didn't want to get back with her was because I didn't want to face these issues again, but sooner or later I have to stop running from them and get through this if it's with her or any other female I'm with. What am I doing wrong? Please someone help me get through this....

I know it's hard, but you really have to leave the past where it is. The present is the only reality, and you can't be upset about something that happened before you even came into the picture. Don't fault her for her past, and try not to take it out on her. The important part is how she treats you and your future with her. I know it's hard to get it out of your head, but think about how she was not YOUR first and how she had nothing to do with that.

My ex-girlfriend (I recently broke up with her for something unrelated) loved to talk on the phone. I knew that when I met her, but she was too much. She would call me in the morning to wake me up, she'd call me at least 2 to 3 times while I'm at work, and she'd want to talk on the phone at night for at least an hour, and this was EVERY DAY!!! Let me repeat that, EVERY DAY!!!!! She was driving me bananas!!!. I had no downtime, and when I would tell her that I want to get off the phone, she'd make me feel bad and say things like, "Why you don't want to talk to me? What are you doing that's so important that you can't talk to me?" I work and she goes to school so we only see each other in the weekends, but she was exaggerated. I couldn't just come home and watch TV for a couple of hours in peace. She'd call me for ANY and EVERYTHING from, "Did you see what the girl was wearing in American Idol" to "When we get married do you think that.......yada, yada, yada..." Just thinking about it gets me sick. And when I went out to hang out even to my best friend's house, she would call my cell at least twice or more, "Hi, what are you guys doing?" in a playful way, not in a demanding way, but it would irritate me sooooooo much. And if I didn't call her, you guessed it, "Why didn't you call me?" It's probably my fault because it was annoying in the beginning, but then annoying became intolerable and I wasn't honest with her about how much I hated talking so much on the phone. Most of the time, she'll call with nothing to say and I'll be talking the whole time. Then when I tell her to talk, she'd say, "I like hearing you talk." Sorry for my venting on your time, ghettogirl; I just had to let that out. That felt good . To answer your question, it is common to talk often especially during the beginning, honeymoon stage. I think it's common to talk at least once a day just to check in. As far as seeing each other? I don't think that seeing someone everyday is such a good idea, especially after just 3 months. It's probably best to wait until the relationship grows, but again it really depends on the individuals and whatever makes the both of you happy. Just try to be as honest to each other as possible.

Eyethink, I'm glad you wrote again. Well here's an update on my situation. Around December, the petty arguments were becoming more routine and I started to build strong resistance and I started to yell and scream at her after she'd get into one of her fits, and I'm not even that type of person. I'm usually calm and reasonable. The ironic part is that when I would come out my face really bad, she'd try to turn it around and ask why I'm yelling and coming out the way I do. At that point, I'm like, WTF is wrong with her? She's the one initiating the arguments, and now she's getting upset because I've slowly changed from understanding to short fused when it came to her. Then it hit me. The weekend after one of her many arguments, I spent it with my family including one of my sisters and her husband. They've been married about 3 years and I've never seen a happier couple; the way they communicate, the love and joy that flowed from their union. That's the kind of relationship I want in my life. They noticed that I wasn't myself, and they made a comment about how I'm not as happy and jokingly as I usually am, and they were right!!!! I was realizing that my girlfriend was bringing me into her negative argumentative world and I was letting her. Then I decided that I had enough. I broke up with her; yup, I broke up with her. Then she kept calling me, telling me how she knows she has a problem and she knows why and that she's going to do her best to change. So I missed her, then we got back. Then a few weeks later, she got into it again, then I left again. Then same thing, she's calling me telling me she's going to change and that she's going to get help. I really thought it was over since I didn't want to go back to that negativity, but again I gave her another change, and everything was GREAT until exactly a week later when she got into it again real bad, and it was then that I decided enough was enough. She says she blames me for (in her own words) not helping her analyze why she gets so angry and why she argues the way she does. I told her that I'm her boyfriend not her therapist. And she also says that I'm more concerned about my happiness then our happiness, and I said yup. And she should be happy too, and if I was making her unhappy I would understand if she broke up too. I know that if you love someone, you should do your best to help and work with each other, but I tried to be patient and understanding for so long, that it doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship where one of us is unhappy. She says she wanted to better herself, but she continues to see the world in her eyes and anything that anyone says or does that is different to what she thinks it should be is stupid. She's went away with her family for a couple of weeks and she's treating this like we're on a "break", but I think it's permanent at least for now. If she thinks we're getting back, she has another thing coming. The sad part is that besides that, she's a really great girlfriend, very beautiful and sexy, and very educated and career orientated. What a shame.... You think I did the right thing? BTW, Black Pheonyxx. Have things gotten better on your end?

It's very hard to maintain a long distance relationship, and it's even harder if you've never met her face to face. You're pretty young so this may be your first experience with love, and believe me it won't be your last so slow down a bit and just enjoy your online "relationship" with this girl. Keeping hope alive will keep you happy in the short term, but in the long run things may wane down after so long with no face to face time, and you may just become frustrated and disappointed when your plans to meet some day don't work out the way you would like to. If I were you, I would try not to get so emotionally attached. Like I said keep the relationship you have with her if you're happy, but maybe it's not a good idea if you remain exclusive to her. Don't let yourself miss out on some opportunities with other females because you're seeing someone a million miles away whom you never met before. Chances are she won't....

Syntonik, I know what you mean, but the funny part is that I'm on the other side of it. I love my g/f a lot, but I'm always finding myself thinking the worst, and interrogating her constantly, asking her tons of questions like, "You were on the phone? With who?" "Why did you come home late?" "Why were you looking over there?" It's horrible, but it's almost like I can't help it. She never did anything to make me believe that she can't be trusted, but yet I have a hard time giving her the 100% trust that I know she deserves. My insecurities stem from being cheated on many years back by my first love. That experience devastated me; ever since I've lived with horrible trust and insecurity issues, and I can't seem to shake it no matter what I do. I have a great life and great relationship, but I live in this personal hell of obsessive jealous thoughts, and my imagination is my worst enemy. My g/f is soooo beautiful and attractive, that a lot of times I think to myself that there HAS to be tons of guys out there better looking and overall better than me, but I try to squelch those thoughts, and I try to remind myself that she chose me and she's with me. I work on this on a daily basis. Anyhow, back to you…………. Do you reassure her constantly and remind her that she's the only person you love and think about it? It definitely helps when my g/f does it to me. Do your best to make her feel special. These are things that you could do to help the situation, but it's definitely HER problem not yours. Does she admit that she has a problem? That's the first step.

Dude, I saw this movie before and the ending wasn't pretty. Are you kidding me? She has all these guy friends, going to the movies with them, talking late on the phone, etc... Sounds like trouble to me. If you're the jealous type or have jealous thoughts, this is not the kind of girl you should be with. Girls like that are usually immature, not ready for real commitment and relationships, and want lots and lots of attention; it's sometimes a sign of insecurity on their part. She will never be happy with just you. She wants to have her cake and eat it too, and you're totally allowing it. I've known girls like that, and they love attention from guys; the attention they get from their boyfriends is not enough for them. Some if not most of the time they are attracted to some of the guys they hang out and flirt with, and they're more likely to cheat, even if it's just emotional infidelity (I'm not saying that your girl is likely to cheat, but the odds are against you). And if your girl is even half way cute, I guarantee that most of those guys are trying to get with her and are probably trying to schmooze and woo her into getting with them, taking her to the movies, taking her to dinner, talking with her on the phone etc... Would she like it if it were the other way around? Bottom line, she's not ready for a relationship. Continue to date her if you want, but don't expect her to stop wanting that attention and those friendships. If your goal is to make her end the friendships, it's not going to happen. Accept the fact that this girl may not be the one to make you happy and fulfilled. Look at what a women does, not what she says. Nuff said.

This is one of the most painfully confusing posts I've read here in a while ](*,), but it had me laughing like crazy. It's almost like a "who's on first" kind of thing. Very confusing; I had to reread like 5 times just to follow...... It could be that Chris (the guy you like, I think) was probably jealous of the fact that Dan was touching you, so I guess that means that Chris likes your, OR maybe he was touching you the wrong way or something. Well, you were so maybe Chris thought that Dan was taking advantage of you, I think......................

I'm 28 years old and I've been with over 60 girls, and this is not something that I'm really proud of yet I don't regret it. Most of it is from years back when I was a DJ. I think the average for guys around my age from what I hear is maybe 10 to 15. As for women, I would say between 3 and 6 guys, but they usually lie about these kinds of things when they are asked so the number could be more. One thing I learned a long time ago is DON'T ASK QUESTIONS YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS TO. Bluebird, that's probably what happened to you. Your boyfriend probably asked you about specific details of your past sexual experience and he didn't like your truthful answer. He should respect that you were being honest with him, and he should remember that the past is the past. My current girlfriend only has been with one guy, and I've never asked her about the specific things her and her ex may have done. I'm the type to remember everything, so if she ever gave me details my imagination would get the best of me and it would upset me, but I wouldn't think any less of her. The past is the past, and you can't take it back but you can learn from it. Maybe he'll get over it and appreciate your honesty in the end.

Yeah, we've talked about it, and she's become more understanding of what I'm going through, but I don't think she's going to budge about the clothe issue. The wondering eyes issue, she acknowledges it and is trying (so she says) to work on that.

I don't know what it means, but I suggest that she doesn't tell her husband about these dreams. Dreams are just that, but the husband may interpret it as something more, maybe a hidden desire on her part to be with the male friend.

To answer your question, I don't think that she's interested in this guy; not at all. That's not why it bothers me that she said what she said. I think you're totally right. There's something about her that DOES spark my jealousy. I do think that she's trustworthy, and I do trust her. remember she's very beautiful and she dresses semi tight, and I know that she gets approached and looked at everyday (could that be it? I don't know). Maybe I can't handle being with such a fine girlfriend, but then again it's not her fault that she's so pretty. Plus would I be happier with any ugly girl?!?! Sometimes I contemplate ending the relationship because I can't take these thoughts about guys looking and approaching at my gorgeous girlfriend, and sometimes I think that this jealousy is going to be the death of me. The ironic part is that I would not feel that bad if we broke up and I'm not afraid to lose her, but you may think that that's enough to cure my insecurities I don't know what to do anymore. In my eyes I'm a very good looking, successful man yet I have to go through this. Sweetypie, you pretty much know my whole story. Do you think I need some counseling or therapy or something? My fear is that I lose this good girl, eventually get over these insecurities then I'll regret ending the relatiionship. What to do, what to do, what to do.....

I have the only crush on Christina Milian. She is so fine!!! Sweetpie, I've seen your pic (you're fine too ) and I could see the resemblence. That's a major complement if they're telling you that you resemble her; you should be flattered not upset. Cheer up girl!!

Sweetypie, I know you mean well, but I don't think that she's playing games with me, at least not in this case. If she was playing games, I would have picked up on it a long time ago. I know that it was very casual when she said it, and I know she didn't mean any harm. My point of posting was not to get a clue as to what's going through her head and why she may have said it, but more with trying to deal with the fact that I know I shouldn't be getting upset and jealous over this, but I can't help it.

My girlfriend was talking to me today about a class mate of hers that likes her friend. She casually says, "He's very handsome, he's very cute. I think they should hook up". Why does that bug me so much that she says that another guy is "handsome" and "very cute"? I trust her, I don't think she was disrespectful, but why does that bother me so much?!?!?! I know that it shouldn't bother me, but in reality it's really bugging the hell out of me and I know for sure that I'm overeacting but I can't deny how I feel right now. UGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!

P964, I know exactly where you're coming from. My ex-fiance used to smother and spoil me to the point where she set the standard for all future girlfriends. Then I got with my current g/f, and she's not as smothering, not as romantic, and much more indepenent, so a few months in I started to think the way you do. I was becoming very dissinterested in the relationship because of it, and I even posted here once or twice about it. I was getting upset because I was romantic and spontaneous, and she was clearly not. I followed people's advice and I stopped comparing her to my ex, I worked on my self esteem, and I began to worry less about needing that reassurance from her. I also slowed down the romantic stuff for a little while so that she could see how it feels not to get it. Low and behold, she slowly started taking notice of my subtle distance, and then eventually SHE was the one asking for reassurance, and she slowly started becoming more romantic and spontaneous. The funny part is that now, I find the extra phone calls from her (and her asking me to call her more) a bit annoying but what can I do now? Hehehehe. Like the saying goes, be careful what you ask for; you just might get it. remember, your new girlfriend is not your ex; they are 2 different people. Tell yourself that 1000 times; it works for me sometimes. Good luck.

I'm still dealing with issues like this myself, but I'll try to help you with your situation. The best thing for you to do is be the absolute best girffriend you could be to him so that he doesn't even think about straying. My girl is in college too and I think the way you do sometimes, but I try to just be a really great boyfriend to her and it helps me to stop the worrying and thoughts of her possibly leaving me for someone else. I do think about guys approaching her and gawking at her since she's really gorgeous and stuff, but I try to stop thinking about those situations, and I think about the great times that me and her have, and about how much she loves me and how she proves it to me. If he's not giving you any reason to believe that he may be looking for greener grass, then again just be a great girlfriend and leave him thinking (man, I got the best girlfriend in the world and I will never find another girl that will treat me like her). Hope this helps...

I really, really hate to say it but it sounds to me like he's trying to let you down easy. It sounds like he's losing interest in, not necessarily you, but in the relationship and he wants to let go. Him telling you these details makes it seem like he wants YOU to break up with him. Just my opinion. I feel for you, but it doesn't look good right now....

I don't know why this got moved to Pornography Addiction either. Moderators, can you please move this back? I think you ARE searching for perfection, but guess what? You'll never find it. If this is the only thing you don't like about your b/f, then consider yourself lucky. Although, like I mentioned before, I occasionallly picture myself doing things with other women it's not every pretty girl I look at that it happens. It doesn't mean that I love my g/f any less. Although I see gorgeous women all the time, even some prettier than my girl, I would take my girl over any other girl any day. I'm sure he feels the same about you. Remember, you're his girl because he loves you. I think that your issue is that you believe that he never though this way before, but now he does for some reason. If he thinks like that now, then he's always thought this way which is still not the worse thing in the world. I think that what's changed is that now he has the balls to tell you about this, since any man in his right mind would NEVER admit that these kind of thoughts ever crossed their mind. Think about it. Would YOU ever admit that you may have these similar thoughts at times, even if it's once in a blue?

One thing I've learned is to not ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. Of course he never mentioned this to you before. Would you have stayed with him if the first month he told you that he could picture himself doing things with other girls? Keep telling yourself this, and you'll believe it to the end, but the fact is that he's probably always thought this way, but it took an interrogation from you while he was drunk for him to spit it out. I'm sure he regrets telling you. Some things are meant to remain unsaid. Now that's he's said it, don't drive him away by trying to pull expanations from him. Just try to forget about it and enjoy your relationship. I know it won't be easy, but like I mentioned before take a step back and give him a little space. He clearly already told you that he's feeling smothered, so try to make him feel unsmothered; hope that makes sense. I'm not saying a break up, just try not to come over as much and stuff. By the way, do you trust him? Do you really truly trust him? Do you think he'd take these thoughts and act on it? I think that this all boils down to insecurities on your part. If it wasn't, you wouldn't have asked in the first place. You need to work on that. Would you admit that this may be a factor to your concerns over this?

I think most if not all men, whether in relationships or not, once in a while look at other women and fantasize about having sex with them; I fit in that catagory and I think it's natural. Don't get me wrong. I would never cheat on my g/f, but I don't feel guilty about occasionally imagining being with other girls. But I would NEVER, EVER, EVER admit it to my g/f; I repeat NEVER knowing how many problems it would lead to, unless I've lost all respect for my g/f and I wanted out. It's not the part about him imagining being with other girls that you should be concerned with; it's him telling this to you. You have to figure out his motive for doing that. It sounds to me from what you wrote that he's a little confused, and he may be hinting to you that he wants the freedom of being single again. I do also think that 6 out of 7 days is a bit too much. You should give him a little space, and if you do realize that he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, than let it be and let go. Easier said than done, but always remember that you should love yourself more than your relationship. Good luck....