Hi, I would like to post the email she just sent me. I am goign to see her tomorrow. What should I do/say when I see her and how should I act?? Please tell me what you think.
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dear johnny,
ok, here comes the most difficult email of my life, i suppose. ahh, john, for the past sixty hours or so, I have felt some of the most intense pain of my life. i don't think that my life has ever felt in such jeopardy before. yes, i have done bad things before, and yes, i have suffered many painful consequences. but none as painful and terrible and scary as now. i really feel as though my life itself is hanging on a thread, ready at any second to fall from the most wonderful of heights crashing down to the most horrible and empty of lows. right now, you and i are sitting on opposite sides of a fence, but the thing that unites us is that we are now staring at that same fence together, wondering what it means about our future. yes, you are the one that has been betrayed, and i am the betrayer. but, in a way, it seems that it is even more horrible to be the betrayer. you are secure in knowing that you did no wrong, you were an innocent victim of some heinous crime. but i must live with myself every second of every day knowing that my pain and suffering and bitter sadness are my very own doings. more than that, i have to live with myself though knowing that i caused an even greater suffering for you. you simply hate another person - me, but i hate only myself.
i want to first of all say that allthough i cannot fully understand or comprehend your sadness and suffering (because it is not my own, and i can't crawl into your body and experience it), i am compassionate to it. i understand its origins, and i respect the strength and depth of your pain and anger. you are fully validated in all of the feelings that you are having. it's like i said today, i wouldn't want to strip from you the powerful feelings that you are having right now. you are completely right to have these feelings. i would do anything in this world to make them go away, to erase the pain that you must feel. but ofcourse, it's too late. i did this, and no i can't go back and change it, no matter how much i wish i could. at this point, all that i can do is to try to change myself, try to improve on my flaws and to prove to you that i am worth a second chance. what i want to do more than anything is to take you in my arms and hold you so tight so that you could feel all the love and sadness and regret that i feel. it's so strong in me, i'm sure that you would feel it too. more than that, maybe you could feel the hope that is still surging in my heart, the sureness that we can come through this terrible time together - perhaps even stronger for it.
john, i'm sure that on top of the pain that you feel because of what i have done to you and to our beautiful relationship, you are also feeling a degree of humiliation, or a feeling that i did this because of some short coming that you have. i want you to know right now and forever that you are truly a wonderful person, an amazing man, and a caring and satisfying lover. this whole terrible thing happened not because of something that is wrong with you, but because of something that is obviously wrong with me. i am certain of your love for me, i am sure of your goodness and intelligence and humor and worth, and i am more than positive that you are an excellent lover. i didn't go and do this because something was missing between us. i have never done such a thing before, nor do i think that i would be capable of ever doing such a thing again. my love for you is deep and strong and undeniable. i want you to know that i have always been proud to be with you. i talk about you so highly to all my friends and my familly. it is an honour to be with someone as wonderful as you. and i want you to know that i have never said anything negative about you to this guy or to anyone else. nor does anyone know about what i have done (except for my mom). this can stay between us forever, if you want. i also want to tell you right now that the reason that i haven't been calling you or staying in my room has really nothing at all to do with this guy or any other. i have quite honestly been working my ass off. as well, i don't like my room at all because my roommate is annoying, and it feels like a stranger's room, not like my own. i don't take my cell phone with me because i lose everything, and i am afrraid that if i take it with me, i will leave it some where. and, i know that this sounds weird, but i have been so lonely and felt so far away, that it almost seems more painful to call you than not. you know how when i left santa cruz, i totally lost contact with my very best friends in the world. it is something along the same lines. i love you and i miss you, and it only intensifies the pain to try to call you and explain what i did with my day. i can't tell you that shit over the telephone, i just want to see you and tell you in person.
the hardest question for me to answer is why did i do this. you have asked me that many times, and each time i have felt incapable of answering. i suppose that is because i am still asking myself that same question even as i write this email. why did i destroy such an amazing and important thing that was between us just for some cheap and meaningless hour?? the point is that there is obviously no logical answer to this question. any answer i gave would seem less than sufficient, because no excuse would ever be adequate. even yesterday, my mother was yelling at me, asking me how i could do such a stupid thing when i was so lucky to be with a man that so many women would be dying to have for her own (because of your honour, and your kindness and honesty and etc.) my mother told me that i was stupid, and that i could have possibly thrown away the best thing that i could get. and she is right. but i suppose that stupidity alone can't be an excuse for what i have done. i've also allready told you that alcohol played a major role in this mistake that i have made. it is easier to do bad and foolish and terrible things when your brain is clouded by alcohol. which is why i told you that in my quest to change to make myself someone more worthy of your love, i will a) go to counseling for alcoholics or something if you think that it is a good idea and b) i will not get drunk anymore unless you are with me, and even then, i will drink responsibly and not get "drunk".
part of my problem as well is that i have been pretty depressed ever since i got here. i have felt lonely and lost ever since day one. i have no anchor, no reminder of home or any proof of who i am anywhere else. at first, it's not so bad, you can talk about life back home and what you are going to do with yourself after you are done with the course. but after weeks of seeing the same strange people, eating the same strange food, living the same strange life, sleeping in the same strange bed, and having to endure the same strange routine, i suppose that it starts to wear you down. other people are so accomplished, allready with their phd's. and they know so much about the subject matter and about what they really want to do with their lives, and their purpose for being on this planet. it has made me feel like a kid, like a fool, like someone who is very lost and confused. which is what i suppose that i am, alot of the time. all that i have really known for some time now is that i love you and i want to stay with you for as long as possible. but i haven't even had you here with me.
so, ok, i am sure that i haven't answered all of your questions, and i am sure that you aren't satisfied with all that i have said. but, i will send you this for now, and i will answer all further questions that you have as soon as you want. the most important, john, is that i love you. i will love you all of my life. for me, you are the one that i am meant to spend the rest of my life with. i know that i have hurt you, and i don't want you to say that i am not compassionate enough, or that i don't care. believe me, i do. i am just filled with an overwhelming sense of fear that you will go away, and i will lose my shining light. you are a jewel to me, john, you are something so precious and important. the idea of losing you has made me one thousand times more aware of what an integral part of my life that you are. i will do anything that you want me to, in order to show you how much i value you and how much i am willing to give to heal our wound. i know that you think that i am doing all this just so that you will forgive me. but i am doing it because i think that a) you are an amazing gift to the world and all of us around you and b) my life would honestly not be worth much if you weren't in it. i can see all the potential that you have to become something honestly amazing in this lifetime, and i would like to do all that i can to help you achieve your potential. i understand that i haven't done a very good job in the last week, but all that i ask is that you give me another shot.
john, call me when you have gotten this email and given it some thought. i love you with all my heart, and i am looking forward to seeing you on saturday.
reb
