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AntiLove_SuperStar

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  1. AntiLove_SuperStar
    I feel so bad for feeling like I do, like Im being selfish, but I have to get this out. My boyfriend found out just a couple of days ago that his dad has terminal cancer and doesnt have a lot of time left to live. He lives with his dad, he has an eating disorder, is prone to depression and due to his dad dying will have to really grow up a lot faster than he thought he would, as in he'll have to get a job, move around a lot, help his sisters through it (and his dad's girlfriend)...his dad will get iller and iller and then he'll die, and then the house will have to be sorted out and my boyfriend will have to rebuild his life. We have been together for 4 months, I love him and have said that I still want to be with him and he said he still wants to be with me despite all this stuff he'll have to deal with. Obviously, he is devastated by this, and it breaks my heart to see him in so much pain..but heres the selfish horrible bit. We are still very much *together* but I couold tell from the first time I saw him the otrher day after the diagnosis , this has changed him already, but it feels like...our relationship is not going to be the same, for a very long time, for months. this is no ones fault, no way am I blaming anyone, but I feel like a part of me is mourning the death of ..how my boyfriend was? how when everything was relatively carefree (of course we both had problems but nothing like this)? and..this is painful to type, what if he remoulds himself and changes completey and im not what he wants anymore? Ive written this in a letter that i plan to give him in 6 months time but i cant talk to him now as obviously he has much bigger tihngs to worry about he said yesterday *if i had to make a list of any positives right now, youd be at the top, but I really dont want to put any pressure on you*.... Its all so messy and sad and hes hurting so much
  2. AntiLove_SuperStar
    She sounds a little too obsessive, like the relationship would be difficult anyway...maybe over time youll come to realize that you are being liberated from this in a way? Bear in mind that whilst Im heavily into Philosophy and religion, its from a academic viewpoint...Im not at all Christian so I don't think Id understand...sounds a bit of an excuse to me though.
  3. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Well...I can tell you the story from his side, because I was in that guy's position last year. Obviously as we are not the same person he may have a different thought process but this is what happened to me- I had 2 of my 4 subject classes with a guy last year. We got closer and for a while, I really really fancied him, but I thought he didnt like me ,so I made myself get over it. But then we got talking one day and he admitted he'd always wanted me from the beginning of the year, so we started going out. THE PROBLEM - I just didnt fancy him anymore OTHER PROBLEM- I told him I loved him, when I didnt OTHER PROBLEM- He totally believed me, and OTHER PROBLEM- he loved me back outcome- I ended it becuse it wasnt fair on him, I didnt love him like he did me, and I had a mini change of heart later, but nah...I knew it wasnt goign to happen, so your ex is probably being honest when he says its just not fair on you, etc.
  4. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Sounds a little like both, to be honest. For him to be with someone else 5 days after breaking up with you suggests that he was never going to the sort of person you'd want to stay with. He sounds a bit unstable and mixed up and you can do better. if they work together he may well have been thinking about it. But now hes gone...and I know it hurts but doing a post-mortem over and over in your mind won't help. *Its* not OK, but *you* will be.
  5. AntiLove_SuperStar
    It is over. And someone who treats you like that...believe me, YOU DESERVE BETTER. Do not contact her, she is an immature woman who you are better off without. Do you really want someone who thinks its a good idea to detail what shes up to with other guys?? She has no respect for you, herself, or for that matter "jacob".
  6. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Oh, Im so sorry to hear about your father, my boyfriend's dad has a terminal form of it right now As for the ex situation...if he is a good person, then he deserves some kind of...explanation, but you dont have to go into detail. Tell him that at the moment, you and your family are going through a very rough time and you arnt looking for a relationship right now, and that you honestly dont know how things will work out? Theres no easy answer to this one though. again, so sorry to hear about that.
  7. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Of course he can like you, I think you sound nice just by reading your post! I was more than 20lbs overweight when I had my first serious boyfriend. And it really isnt all about weight/physical stuff...when I was *very* thin I had NO ONE. At all. No one paid me any attention. Im still very slim but I stopped obessing so much about what I looked like and just started living a bit. Lifes all going a bit wrong in my world right now but I still stand by what I say. Go for it.
  8. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Emotions are hard sh*t sometimes, but the good news is that as you get older and you experience them more, you find it easier to cope with new situations and eventually the product is whats known as *life experience*. in the meantime, journalling or some kind of exercise helps a lot to release pentup emotion.
  9. AntiLove_SuperStar
    I'd just like to say Im really sorry to hear about what you went through and wish you lots of luck with counselling.
  10. AntiLove_SuperStar
    thank you both for encouraging words.
  11. AntiLove_SuperStar
    It sounds like a terrible idea, if you want an unbiased, honest opinion! I'm in no doubt at all that you loved him, 4 years is a lot of history and its not surprising you are still getting over it-but thats what you should be doing. You had issues with jealousy - how is that going to have changed now, that tendency will still be there. ..."I want him to want me i guess even though i can see we're not going to get back together any time soon"... See, you don't even need anyone to post this...all you are doing is torturing yourself, please dont meet him, revert to no contact, its going nowhere but someplaace miserable.
  12. AntiLove_SuperStar
    hey everyone. Things arnt so good right now. My boyfriend and I - Im 17 and hes 21- have been together for nearly 4 months, very good relationship, no problems. Around 2 weeks ago his dad had to go to hospital, with what was thought to be pain from a gallbladder problem. Since then though he has got worse and last night my boyfriend (Xal) phoned me to say they finally have a diagnosis-inoperable cancer of liver, colon, lungs. Basically...its really not good at all, and although its not all definite yet, he doesnt have long. Xal is at Uni now about 2 hours away mondays and tuesdays and noramlly he comes home at weekends, obviously now hes back whenever possible...he has a term or so left, but with this situation he may well not be able to take his examns/pass them/get his degree. he lives with his dad (parents are separated) when hes not at Uni, so theres a lot of uncertainty there...and he has anorexia, and even before his dad got ill was in a bad way mentally, as in, really (without reason, he is a fantastic person_ loathing himself, unsure about the future...now its so much worse, and because I love him it hurts me a lot as well to see him in so much pain. stuffs going to change....and im terrifyed of doing something wrong. I asked him if he wants to put us on hold whilst his family work through his dads illness and he said "no no, definitely not, i really want to be with you" ....he also said "its a lot to deal with, and if you want to walk away now id totally understand, you have your own problems". I said no of course not, because i love him...and I really do. He says, on a sidenote, that I am awesome, I mean a lot to him and I rock his world, and *he doesnt know if he loves me or not* (said that about a week ago). i didnt know how to take that, but if he can involve me like this when his dad is dying that means we're good, right? and hes really treating me well. over the past month i have been seeing an increase in my manic depressive/bipolar symptoms and i think I will have a crisis by summer at this rate, and Xal really doesnt need that..well noone does but especially not now...i so want to keep it togther for him so I can help him but what if I cant? im just so sad. I want to go see his dad (he worked a lot, we never got to know each other) before he dies and thank him for making Xal into what Xal is..and all this stuff in my head, in xals head...i look at his eyes and hes so sad and why is this happening?? Sorry for the rant, im in college as I type but i just feel so sad. im seeing xal later which is good because i just want to hold him
  13. AntiLove_SuperStar
    >>How could you say you love someone, but still be thinking of a past relationship Just like to say....easily. I am in a very good relationship right now , but I am still in love with my ex, I always will be. Its entirely possible to be in love with more than one person at once...its one RELATIONSHIP at once you should stick to!
  14. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Well i did something fairly brave today I was hyper, somewhat, in a store earlier with my mother. I dont know how, but I said id like to go back to shrink that diagnosed me with aspergers nbecause Id been having other issues I said *Ive been thinking that maybe I might suffer manic depression*. And She..Laughed and said *Yeah, it looks likely you have something along those lines* but she was not nasty. She was a little strange about it, but hey its progress, so in next fortnight I should be getting helped more. She is anti-meds, but I said just telling my shrink cant hurt can it? So I think shes reluctantly agreed. She then pointed out how lucky I was to be able to function in day to day life! Dear me....im NOT really functioning hence my seeking help, but ... oh well whatever. important thing is, i got somewhere
  15. AntiLove_SuperStar
    yeas, I would consider it because ythis makes me suicidal Its not ythe meds or going to the doctors tnat I have a problem with. If i was over 18 or living away from my parents id have walked into doctors' by now. but whilst Im with my parents I dont feel its an option. Last time i sought help for asperger-related depression, i was assured confidentialty...they wrote to my parents! and my father seemed fairly unaffected by it by my mother just about lost it. its not just grief she shows, its a horrid mix of anger-panic. if i show signs of being depressed, i dont get nice or even neutral treatment, i get hostility. to give you some idea, my mothers way of handling my anorexia when I was 14 weas to sit on my bed at night and for an hour hiss at me in graphic language how my body would eat itself and how selfish i was. I have a few anger issues towards her, I guess (haha...I *guess*. I *know*)
  16. AntiLove_SuperStar
    I am unmedicated right now/not on any.
  17. AntiLove_SuperStar
    By chance, I came acorss an article on bipolar disorder yesterday. Ive had Depression and Aspergers given to me as diagnosises (spelling?) over the past couple of years but it only felt half-right, like ... i could identify with some of aspergers synmptoms etc, but bipolar..is completely me. Ive done things in the past that definitely constitute reckless, damaging and inexplicable behaviour (wandering the streets in pajamas...why did my parents NEVER pick up on all the crazy mad **** i did?) Ive been *UP* the past few days and now im coming down. Its been insane. When im manic, I get / feel very religious. I work like crazy. I want to out socialiozing ALL the time, I spend a lot of money , like, 80% of all my bank account in 1 day. i exercise to point of stupidity. I feel hostile, mad, very critical. i do art and admittedly mania helps sometimes with that as I tend to have a lot of ideas...but that crosses the nasty line into Racing Thouights. usualy its not this bad and Id be back into depression by now but today, this time..it feels different, like i may .. *do something*. I need to sleep physically but my eyes are ringed from insomnia. Ive lost weight through behaviours that are anorexic but i strongly suspect is linked to my *ups* or manic/hypo or moderate-manic phases. my eating is all over the place. everything is. im actually having a few visual hallucinations, mainly in forms of lights etc. thanks for listening and i am using any willpower I have to get to someplace vaguely stable I really really dont want it to get to hospital stage because itd kill my parents for a lotr of reasons i dont have time to explain now, im holding out till I leave home (in a year) but what if i cant? i really dont like this at all
  18. AntiLove_SuperStar
    for replying. I dont really want to look good for anyone right now, I want to match my own idea of whats appealing, which is very thin, which I confess I find attractive in others. I workout a lot, more so than most people. Everytime I eat I feel fat...definitely require professional help to eat anywhere near 3 meals a day. I have issues... thanks all again
  19. AntiLove_SuperStar
    thank you all very much for taking time to respond. Yah, I do have an eating disoder, unfortunately.
  20. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Hey everyone, I apologise if this is a little long or boring, but I know its a safe place/way to get it all out. I am sventeen years old now, and when I was in my early teens I was anorexic to the point where I had a minor stroke (which I never told anyone about and only much later worked out what it was) and a full ambulance emergency seizure, which obviously my family DID know about. I was just eating so little and moving about so much I collapsed majorly. I didnt ever get a therapist. My mom just made me eat, and in time (she always intimidated me) I *got over it* externally but always fought it inside, and hated my body. So Ive been fairly slim for a few years, somehow my weight has been stable at the lower end of normal despite periods of restricting/disordered eating/some binging in all combinations you could possibly think of. from 14 years old to almost 18...Im just so sick of it..tired is more the word, I guess. But now..Ive slipped back. This time, its earlyish into it, but im eating much less than before, and because Im older and now at college (living at home though) and going out socially a lot more, its much easier to hide it all. People have already commented I have lost weight, and I have gone down a cup size (bra size). Stupidly, I even know the real reasons for relapse, I think, yet am powerless to stop it, seemingly. I even keep a journal and everything. Reasons: - Uncertainty over future, mostly in regards to career/uni whatever - I have always felt I should be a guy..it occupies many a daydream of mine, and Im feeling it bad right now - I just feel very fatr and ugly - Im really angry for some reason oh whatever im sure tehre are more..i just hate me for doing this, i mean I had a SEIZURE and I really hurt my mom last time and still, i dont learn. But its something Im good at. I do art and drama at college, im doing well and i express myself through that, and I have friends and so on as well but theres this ... need...emptiness...or something that seemingly only this sh*t can fill...Im so sorry for venting, I just feel hideous.
  21. AntiLove_SuperStar
    I formerly had a terrible reputation amoungst my friends...from Nov 2004- Oct 2005 I was never single, I went through so many people. Some of them were very serious about me. Some werent so serious, but still assumed we were exclusive. I'd say I cheated on...what...5 of my boy/girlfriends? Horrible, isnt it? BUT October 2005, I met my current boyfriend who I have had no trouble whatsoever remaining faithful to. Its simply because...hes better for me. Thats just about it...if you find the right person, you'll be faithful (assuming no clinical personality disorders, etc).
  22. AntiLove_SuperStar
    hehe, well.. I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 21, but I wouldnt say he is *mature*, particularly. I'm not that mature myself so I wasnt really looking for the same quality in him. Sure, he's very intelligent and looks out for me...but being out of your teens is no guarantee you'll suddenly get direction or whatever.
  23. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Pretty freaking important, i'd reckon. Birthday especially!
  24. AntiLove_SuperStar
    No. Your emotions sound far too new and painful to start contacting her. It sounds like she doesnt know what she wants. She knows where you are, and you shoud face the possibility that she may never want you two to get back together. Please do not sleep with someone when you dont know where you stand! It always makes things very messy.
  25. AntiLove_SuperStar
    Well, theres no guarantee at all that you two won't split up...that is the whole risk of falling for someone...investing in them emotionally gives them the power to break your heart. BUT! Think of all the happy, long - term relationships there are out there. If this applies, build your life so its massive and the loss of one part (for example, relationship) doesn't wipe you out. Its also possible he feels the exact same thing? I know this doesnt solve anything, but..think about that. And should the worse happen, you have already shown you can move on and find a fabulous person..you are capable of surviving breakups..you are strong, you can handle practically anything.
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