habitual_loser

Here I am approaching.... 5 years since my breakup with an ex, and being a contemplative schmuck... Being friends after a breakup is hard to do. It hasn't worked for my in two of my other relationships, but for this one... Let's just say that she's got an incredible talent at picking up exactly where things left off with people. People she hasn't seen for two years - disarmed with a smile and energy that just seems to come out of nowhere. A breakup that left me depressed, possibly suicidal, and certainly not ready to hear she was engaged less than 3 months after the breakup - even when I have tried being working up some anger about that, it honestly just can't hold up to that disarming smile. I mention this because I want to impress upon you the unique vitality of the woman. She was one of those rare people out there who really enrich the lives of everyone they touch, even if it's just in passing. You'll meet a few of them in your life, if you're lucky, and if you're really lucky, she'll reshape your universe. Some people have way too much hold over your life - maybe you still love her, maybe you don't - but would you rather have them out of it completely? A witty email every few months, a couple hours of frisbee once a year, and a sore thumb for a week were all I've really gotten out of my attempt to stay friends with her until a couple days ago I got an invitation to her wedding. I felt really conflicted about that over the past couple days - I've gone from pain to anger (for the first time in ages), resignation to admiration, to all-around warm+fuzzies, and back again. All over the rather limited emotional landscape I've got, visiting most of the interesting attractions more than once. That wedding invitation has a meaning, and it's very simple. _She_ wants me there - whether she thinks that it'll provide me with the closure I really could have used 5 years ago, or whether I'm important enough to her that knowing she has my approval is worth making her fiance extroardinarily uncomfortable, especially when the I'm so obviously still hung up over her, or whether it's for some unfathomable and uniquely female reason. It's worth a lifetime of sore thumbs. So here's to the brave fools like me, who've been burnt but still invest their good will and admiration in the people who did it to them. Maybe it's selfish and ultimately harmful, but once in a while, something uniquely painful and bittersweet comes around and makes all the pain of staying in touch - even if it's only in small quantities - completely worth it. So too, to friendship and the strange ways we honor and affect each other. Now if only she'd ditch the bozo and profess her undying love to me. (Relax, I'm joking. Well, half-joking anyhow, which is unfortunately as good as it gets.)

Religion. Politics. Fate of humanity. Harry Potter. Black+White versus color. Talking about things that aren't either of you tends to be a safe route. You'd be surprised, but pick a topic, blurt something out, possibly ending in "damnit" and go with it. I've had a 2 hour discussion about the merits of whole wheat bread versus just regular wheat bread before. Just make sure it's not you preaching and don't try to lock into a topic if she tries to change it. Diction and syntax, rhythm and subtext can really turn someone off, so just go with the flow.

I'd go with a season of a TV show she likes (assuming she's missing that season.) Finding a good gift for someone is pretty hard but something practical and useful like a season of a favorite show is never offensive to a just-friends friend, and a potential excuse to hang out for 20 some hours for someone who's interested in being more than just friends.

I'd be totally turned on. Just don't be coy.

Circumcision is a stupid idea. We have antibiotics these days. When was the last time you heard a horror story about an uncircumcised baby who got a UTI and died because of it in the USA? While most male baby's are circumcised, there are still plenty out there who aren't and circumcision proponents would have you believing that they're dropping like flies. Watch the Penn & Teller episode on the subject to see (most of) the full picture, but it comes down to a few things (at least in my book). The NIH does not reccomend the procedure, though they do acknowledge that it may reduce the occurrence of some UTI's. But, like I said, we have antibiotics these days. Obviously you're going to lose some mondo sensation, you had a piece of your junk lopped off by some cut-happy psycho. Your sex life will probably go back to normal once you are done healing and get over your performance anxiety, if applicable. Discuss it with the jerk who mutilated your johnson, I'm sure that's what he or she will tell you. Heads up to the females. Unlike a hood-ectomied clitoris, the unprotected head of the penis is exposed to crap all day long. I don't care if you've got silk boxers you're going to lose sensation. female hoodectomy: generally good results, from all the reviews I've read. male hoodectomy: unhappy male. Anyhow, you'll get over it. Your junk just won't be as sensitive as it would have been otherwise. You still got the rest of your body - I'm sure that between your ears neck back chest arms flank ribs you won't miss a few thousand nerve endings. Oh, if you see this girl again tell her I hate her for using you like she did. -a judgemental jerk

About 50% of Garbage songs.

Could try a cooking class? I don't interact with women at work and I don't have much of a social life where I am, so that's what I'm thinking about. Otherwise it's just going to be me and the left hand for another year or two.^^

I had shoulder length hair for a while. Girls were frequently telling me that they were jealous that it looked so good. My secret? Always let it dry naturally. As for frequent showering, the other advice sounds good. just understand that frequently blow drying your hair is probably gonna do all sorts of bad.

Don't read into it so much. In some settings people brag about how much homework they have. "Dude, I've got three papers and a problem set due in 14 hours and I haven't slept in three days except during Differential Equations lecture and Roman History recitations!" "Oh yeah? My dog died half an hour ago and if I don't score a perfect tomorrow on this class I never attend I'm going to fail the class!" It's not that they like homework, it's just a weird social thing. Misery loves company. Not to say that the cutting isn't a problem or that you're wrong for taking offense at it.

Hey, congrats! Just be sure he knows it wasn't some stupid drunk mistake. Probably not, but awkward things have been known to happen after drunken firsts.

If your ex is interfering with your relationship (realized or not) with this guy you've been attracted to for years, keep him at a distance until you're stable in that. Otherwise, I'm outa suggestions.

I drink slightly less than gallon of tea a day. I've been doing this for a while. I figure, every time I get thirsty and drink tea, I'm both saving money and not drinking something with lots of sugar that's going to rot my teeth. You can also get a lot of variety out of your teas and coffees. I find it to be a very fulfulling pursuit. Caffeine isn't gonna hurt you unless you're diabetic (increases insulin resistance) or have heart problems. People sometimes say caffeine dehydrates you, but as someone who's lived almost exclusively off of coke and crackers in distant past and tea and crackers in the recent past, I would say that the dehydrating effects of caffeine are not as serious as reported by some. If you feel like you're dependant on caffeine, and don't like that fact, fine, go ahead and quit. But if you're doing just because someone criticizes you for being a caffeine addict and you don't think it's a problem, then I advise you ignore it and continue drinking your coffee.

Strip clubs are excessively lame. For some reason it's sort of a rite of passage for some people to convince all their friends to go with them to one. Drinks are expensive, nudity really isn't that big a deal, and the places stink. It's generally too loud to talk. I wouldn't be worried about it unless he starts making return trips.^^

Yeah, that's about par for the course. Try to avoid taking it out on your friends when you feel like this unless they really do deserve it. Otherwise... cave to the anti-social desires from time to time. It can be incredibly liberating.

I'm not defending anyone who tells a teenage girl to lose weight. If she wants you to lose weight 'just because' she should be slapped so hard that her head does a 360. That having been said, can you give us some more background on you and your team? Are you guys into competition? Do a lot of stunts and whatnot? If so, what position are you doing right now? Any long-term aspirations to do other positions?

You two ever do any role-playing? I hear that spices things up for some people. I mean, maybe the old in-out just isn't enough for you anymore. Leaving a few more pieces of reality behind might loosen you up enough to do the trick.

The fact that you're asking that question probably means you'll be fine. Just try not to ignore the rest of your life entirely^^

I don't know the details of all this and I don't want to comment, but I'd hesitate before rushing to judging Exodus for having gotten in a physical fight. Having had an abusive girlfriend in the past physically attack me while I was driving (in fast-moving chaotic Boston traffic) and continue to do so despite telling her to stop until I finally parked at the first opporunity I had, at which point (at length) she stopped. I can definitely say there are people who get enraged at the slightest provocation to the point of violence about things that really shouldn't offend them, and will not listen to reason or the calm protestations of their victim, and paying little if any attention to their surroundings.

Buy one of those cheesy pink-covered romance novels and try to glean material from there.^^ Otherwise, you'll have to come up with sweet nothings on your own. Observations about the scent of her hair, eyes, taste, and especially little idiosyncracies like the build of her neck or the way she moves are all winners. Observations like "did you have pizza for lunch?" are probably not. From Roman times: Catullus's collected poems have a few that are pretty good, and Ovid's Ars Amatoria [art of love] is a must-read (ignoring the fact that he liked his women bruised). Ovid has a number of suggestions, which, though dated, may yet be of use to you. For some reason, Shakespeare has always sounded trite to me (what a no-talent hack!), but sometimes a little music in the background is a constant source of things to murmer softly.

Figure out what you care about, think about why. Think about the things you do for fun and why you do them, the associated fantasies you've built up around the things you love. Think about the things that upset you, that depress you, that make you wish humans didn't exist and everything wrong about the world. It's a big world, and you're just a tiny thing that is there for a blink of an eye. You owe it to yourself to burn brightly and not have other people holding you back. That means good food, good drink, good friends who appreciate you for you, many more fantasies than you can ever live out, and living vicariously through others when you can. It means making mistakes and standing back up, losing yourself and finding yourself unharmed. Self esteem is the journey to accepting that you ARE burning brightly and finding strength in that.

Forgive all parties involved - including yourself, including the 'nonguilty' parties - verbally (in private, to yourself). I think this was my biggest blind spot several years ago when I became depressed about something that happened to me. If you find yourself unable to, sit back and think about why and try not to get too stuck on any one line of thought. Accept the outcome. You could probably change it, at great cost or effort, but just step back and think about the outcome as it stands and try to understand its impact on you. Beyond that, get upset and take it out on something (since that is better than someONE). I suggest archery because you can observe your tension based on the outcome - like a litmus test for stress. Hope that helps.

Look him up on your schools directory. Then either call him or, if there is a room number listed, pretend you were looking for some OTHER room number that doesn't exist, run around frantically, stumble past his door - glance in, double-take, then fall over. Works every time.

It's either this volume or volume 124, but there was a series of two or three collumns on the subject of undergrad/graduate dating. link removed I believe the upshot was "go for it." Only big reccomendation I have is to try and coordinate it so that you two don't wind up taking/TAing the same class. If it can't be avoided, be upfront about it so that he doesn't wind up grading your problem sets or grading your participation in reciations and tutorials. Review your school's policy on the subject first, and actually look the guy up to make sure he IS a grad student.^^ As for 'shy': he might feel a bit lecherous for finding someone a few years younger than him interesting. If the attraction is returned, you may find that not to be true. Or, he could actually just be shy.

Depends on the person, the circumstances, and the friends. He could be completely whipped and still talking about Angelina Jolie's beautiful lips or how much he wishes Liv Tyler were in his life. That kind of banter is (usually) the male equivalent of the escalating-pitch talk you hear from some girls. You know what I'm talking about. The best way to find out is to muster up some courage and ask either him or a friend of his whom you have some reason to trust.

Ditch him. If he's too blind to see the outstanding individuals of all races everywhere he looks, he's going to be broken in a lot of other ways. It could also be that he's just in a place where racism is the norm and there is really only one racial group around (Say, Montana). In that case, if he's the critical thinking sort he'll probably grow out of his preconceptions after he's finally exposed to a more diverse setting and starts making friends with people who have different skintones. Ask him to quanitfy 'superior.' I think you'll be disguisted with the answer, either because it's something you can readily observe to be false, or because he doesn't know what he means by that. This would be a dealbreaker.