Hmm, this will be a bit strange. I haven't vented or let anyone really know what's been going on in my life for several years now. Well, I guess you can always start sometime.
So yesterday, I end up being late for school. I'm in a mad rush, and my girlfriend walks in. By the way, we have a baby together that's one year old, and we live together. She had spent the night at my Mum's house earlier. Well, so she comes in and she's upset. She tells me my Mum told her something and it upset. I won't go into the details though.
So our baby is playing with something, and it happens to be my $500 watch. I let him go with it since she was watching him. I quickly finish getting ready, and I ask her where my watch is. I get a very rude response with a bad attitude: "It's YOUR watch, YOU should know where it is!". Last thing I needed when I'm already 2-hours late for school. On top of dealing with that type of attitude for the past year and a half, I know have her giving it to me when I had just slept for 4 hours yet again. So I yell "What do you mean you don't know where it is? Your watching our son, and you don't know what he's playing with?!". She replies with a "Why the hell are you yelling at me as*hole?". I respond with "Forget it, your a b*tch. I'm out of here." So I leave for school.
I get back home later that afternoon, and my son's taking a nap. I decide to nap with him, and took him out of the crib. We slept for about two hours, and he woke up. I told my girlfriend to get him, and she does. Just not in the way I expected. I go back to the room, and she follows me. I lay down in bed and get ready to sleep again (Yes, I was still tired). She sits on the bed, and starts playing with our son! I asked her to leave, and she said "I'm gonna change his diaper." She turns on the light, and I say "Can you do that in the living room, I'm really friggin tired." She says "Your gonna sleep again?! You already slept last night!" in a bad way. I say "I got home at 3:30 this morning, how could I have slept all night?". By this point, I was already pissed. I went on to say "Jesus, your so damn selfish. I'm already working full time, going to school, and cleaning the damn house. Now you won't even let me sleep? Your so damn selfish and self-centered. You don't clean, you don't do anything. You can't even clean up the diapers you change!." I had gotten into a car accident a week and a half ago, and had to take a week off work. During this time, I was washing a WEEK's worth of dirty cloths. Cloths that had piled up for 2 months. I finally finished washing the cloths my last day of leave. She said "DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF MY SON!", and I said "So get out and let me sleep." She refused, so I kept going on. I called her self-centered and selfish about 2 more times, and she grabbed our son's dirty diaper and threw it at my face. Not just threw, she whipped it at me. It hurt like hell
So I threw it back at her, and she went crazy. I was still lying down, and she grabbed my leg and started punching me several times. I got pissed off and pushed her (She was still sitting on the bed) and she just fell (Since she was sitting, she was now lying down). I laid back down, and she started punching me again and tried kicking my face with the ball of her foot. I was furious she was actually trying to hurt me, so I wrapped my legs around her and kept her pinned down. I told her to stop because this was all in front of our child. I let her go, and she kept punching me. I was so mad, I raised my hand and was about to slap her. I wasn't able to do that, so I just punched her in the as* a few times. She then slapped me in the face a couple times. I was about to slap her again, but I couldn't. So I slapped her upside the head The back of her head. She then began slapping me and scratching up my arms. This got me so angry I pushed her back down and told her to stop. She kept trying to scratch me, so I used one hand to push in her adam's apple. She stopped, and I laid back down. She started hitting me again, when our baby made a loud noise, as if to tell us to stop. I laid back down, and she kicked me a couple more times and stopped.
I didn't want to do anymore. I was heart broken by this time, and scared too. Not scared because I was getting hurt, but scared because someone I was suppose to trust with all my heart was hurting me. Like her father used to hurt her, she was doing to me. Like her father used to talk to her, she talked to me. She would say demeaning things like "Yeah, we live in this sh*t-hole" and "Yeah, go back to your rat hole". I used to work for RadioShack at one time when we got into an argument. She said "All you do is f*cking work at RadioShack. You greet customers and sell things - your a BIG man!". So I quit my job there. She would just say very demeaning things, and eventually got my confidence down. I started ignoring, started not caring. It was as if I couldn't feel anything at all. The only one person that really got me going was my son. Now, he's not here.
After that physical fight we got into (the third one), I told her to leave. She said "I'm not leaving unless you give me full custody of my son. Your stuck with me." Later on that day, she did leave though. Now, I have no one. My son is gone. My ex-girlfriend's father made this gay rule that I have to have my mom pick up my son because I can't go inside the house. I don't even think that's legal because I'm still suppose to have custody of my son. I miss him a lot. It's his birthday this week. The home I used to come home to that was full of noise is now only filled with voices from the TV, and the clattering of my keyboard.
I feel so guilty. I don't think I should. I know your not suppose to hit girls, but I got tired of her hurting me - verbally and physically. She told her sister, her dad, and all of our friends back in our old neighborhood what happened. Her version of it at least. Now they all think I beat her or something. She even told my older brother in the Army and he doesn't want to speak with me anymore. I also feel guilty because I feel like I should of spent my spare time trying to make her happy instead of just relaxing (Some days, I only have 1-3 hours for myself). I just feel so sad right now. Everyone's left me - My dad when I was 13, my mom a few months ago, and now my family. I'm just so tired. I'm only 18 and I'm so tired of life. Sometimes, I want to end it but I don't want my son saying "My dad killed himself".
On top of that, when ever we got into really big fights, she would always make it seem like I caused it somehow. Not just to me, but to our friends. She manipulated into making me feel so guilty all the time I stopped feeling. I've lost all my friends - mainly because I didn't have time to talk to them. Now I really am alone.....
Please, don't say it'll get better. I already know that. I was always the person that told my friends that. I don't want to hear that line. I just wish I could find some girl who could do the rescuing for once. That would be really nice.
Well, just getting a load off my mind.
P.S - I now have my own mother calling me and practically harassing me. She constantly interrupts me when I explain everything above and says "No, you're wrong!". She called two or three times just to rub it in my face, telling me I'm wrong and telling me to call my ex-girlfriend and apologize. In the other fights we had, my mother always told me to call her and apologize. Now with all those apologies, this is what I've got: a healing wound from the scratches she gave me on my arm.
