RayKay

I am happy to hear you want to make things work, but I am concerned that she does not seem to see a need for counselling on her end - ESPECIALLY as there is a child coming. Children coming into an unhappy situation can just add more stress to the relationship, and it is unfair to everyone involved. I hope it all works out for you though, and she also wants things to work. I am curious though, how did she "manipulate" you into getting her pregnant?

LOL... why? I'm single!.... And seriously had the urge to pick up the phone tonight with another ultimatum. Damn... this is the MOST confusing thing I have ever dealt with. Any votes for "it should just be easier than this"? Aye, you have my vote! I am the woman, with the man being the confusing, conflicted one with the many mixed messages, but I know how you feel. Not sure if it "should" be easier (as the path to true love was never meant to be easy!) but sometimes I wish it were! On the other hand, we grow closer to those whom we go through the trials and tribulations of life with right - maybe that works for them as much as for us I think whomever here has the most patience at any given time should divy it up with the others who are going through this similar thing - I love him unconditionally, but being patient with my ex somedays seems worth it, other days I struggle to find enough, but then my ex does something to show he does think of me, and he does "want me" and it comes back strong again. Ugh, the reward better be darn good at the end!

No, I don't think you are too late, but it will take some time and some work on your part since she probably either has, or has convinced herself to move on. However, if there was a spark there before it can be brought back. It is only ever "too late" in certain circumstances, and in yours, I don't think it is, she has just forced herself to believe it is or something. Just make sure you want her for her, not just because she is now "unavailable"! It will take some patience, and you are going to have to figure out what she "needs" and "wants" which might not be same and start the seduction. Develop the friendship and gain her trust, build from there. Show through your actions you care about her, but be aloof too (a bit of hard to get, but not too much!). Sorry it took so long to get a reply, might just be cause your post is so long! If you have any specific questions though, please ask.

Of course, they are to be expected. I can go through days and days of feeling absolutely fine about the status/non-status of my current relationship with my ex, then one day (such as this morning in fact) I will wake up and just feel a tremendous weight in my heart and feel all the anxiety come back again too about the future with (or without!) him. My situation is a bit different as I am in regular contact with my ex and there is a friendship and a mutual hope of it working out, but that does not take away my fears either of what may happen, or my sense of loss at there not being a commitment either. I too sometimes worry that we could coast like this forever, and never find each other again in that way. Even faith can lose its strength sometimes! And I still love him with all my heart, I don't have a misguided vision of what was, or what will be, but I do know my love is 100% real and unconditional. It is a tough place to be somedays

Okay, then please explain to me how when someone gets drunk, and rapes someone, they are still prosecuted for rape (and in cases where there is enough evidence) guilty as well. How is it when someone is drunk, and beats/kills someone else, they are still prosecuted. There have been cases here in my city in past few years where one young person I knew was killed outside the bar by some drunk peers. Guilty - every one of them. You are forgetting that it is by the process of CHOOSING to drink, they are choosing to risk whatever happens after that. If you drive drunk, you will find yourself charged with drunk driving. They regardless of their intoxication, chose to drink, then drive and are guilty for doing so. The driving came after the fact of being drunk/intoxicated, so if you are not responsible for your actions when you have become intoxicated - why are they still charged. I am not denying someone under influence of drugs/alchohol is not in their right state of mind, I am arguing that they made the CHOICE to get into that state, and thereforeeee are guilty of subsequent actions. One knows drinking and driving is "illegal". They drink, knowing that they can either drive and risk getting caught, or set up another way to get home. They choose while intoxicated, to still drive. Does not matter they were intoxicated in that situation, they still have free will and still made the choice.

I think your ex is well, definitely obviously confused. But, I also think that this could turn out with you both ending up together again (if you still want that by the time she comes around!). Reading so many posts of people who are in a similar state with their ex in terms of their mixed feelings (For example - I truly believe my ex loves me, "wants to be with me", but is not sure about forever yet..while he does feel a spiritual, emotional, physical, mental connection and chemistry, he is not sure if he can say forever yet, or for that matter, if those small things that were coming between us might mean we are not...blah blah) Anyway, curious as to how much of these mixed feelings are exes have are due to what they "assume" it should be like from what they see in society (movies and so on). Even though my ex is quite the logical thinker (engineers!) I know he still feels this pressure to be this amazing romantic generous bf (something he feels he was not having time to do for me due to his hectic/stressful lifestyle) and so on, and also hearing about some of his friends recent breakups, it all seems sort of odd. I wonder how many truly expect the road to love to always be easy? I know my ex does believe that the most rewarding relationships are often the hardest to get started and so on, but some of his friends, I am not sure what they expect, and I wonder how much subconsciously rubs off on them. Your ex talking about how can one be SURE they are with the one is falling into that too. There is definitely a few "ones" out there for us, but it seems some fall into this romantic notion that if they are the one, you will always be sure they are the one, everything will be smooth sailing - you will never wonder "what if". Doubts are normal - if you did not have doubts, I would doubt that you were not taking things seriously enough! Being with someone who touches you so deeply, makes you vulnerable, is a scary thing for many. As you said Craig, someone is the "one" because they are the one you are committing yourself too. Yes, there might have been other ones out there had the relationship ended, but the idea is that you are choosing to love THIS one! I think anytime you find yourself with someone who could be the one, it can be a freak-out experience for one person simply as they feel not ready at this time in their life for that. I know, I have been there when I was younger with a friend whom when I first met I knew I could be crazy for - he was not the GQ model, but he had a sparkling personality, and a wicked sense of humour. For months I delayed dating him for the very reason I KNEW he was that wonderful. Eventually I succumbed, and for five years it was great - he died suddenly however, though I believe to this day he was an angel in my life and now that he has passed on too. My point is, it was scary, and I delayed being with him simply because I knew it would be too deep for me. The ex I have now, well, I truly believe in my heart of hearts we are supposed to be together - I think he too is finding that moving on from me is not very easy, and he is confused too. But he is going to take some time to admit it to me...lol. He was not ready when he met me after a recent hurt, and as he was going through a personal growth stage. He admitted to me before with me, he just felt like it could be forever and he is simply NOT ready for that - he has too many personal issues right now to sort out, lest he think he destroy (our) relationship in the long run. Even he blames timing. All I can do right now is be patient, and move on at same time. Have faith. With your ex, I think the same is required..a lot of patience, and strength. Keep moving on, but don't lock the door to your heart against them. They might just be still holding onto that key.

I don't think you are wrong at all! While ulcers in your mouth would be a strain of herpes, the one responsible for cold sores, and the one responsible for genital herpes are usually a different sort. You getting the occasional cold sore is not the reason - did she get "mad" at you for it? Or did she just treat it like no big deal? If I found out I had herpes, you can bet I would of freaked out on my spouse since I would not be the one cheating! Get yourself tested. Anyway, her behaviour DEFINITELY seems suspicious. If she is willing to go to counselling, and you are, perhaps the relationship can be saved and rebuilt - however, if she is not even going to admit to any wrongdoing, it could be a long haul. Sitting and talking with another guy for 3-4 hours in another car close to your house is also very odd. It just does not all add up. Sorry you are going through this, but you definitely do NOT deserve that treatment, nor her putting your health at risk either.

For some reason your story tugged at my heart Welcome to the forums, and know that there are many of us here who know what you are going through (me included!). Clearly, you know where your mistakes were already - both in the relationship, and afterwards (pleading, etc). You will get some different advice on here (some advising no contact, some minimal contact, etc) and much of it will depend on your own strength. Since you know where you went wrong, best thing is to show through actions that you know this, and that you have changed. This might take a long time though, and require a lot of patience - you cannot tell her you changed, she has to see it, and while it might be obvious to you that you are ready to change she has spent many months disconnecting from you emotionally and will have barriers up against seeing this! Give her lots of space, do not beg, plead or talk of the relationship with her. Be the guy she fell for in the first place, but also "move on" - don't lock the door to reconciliation, but be independent. Show that you don't need her - you want her, but you are also ready to move on. DON'T be needy or clingy, jealous, etc. However, show that you can meet her needs (once you figure out what they really are) - don't tell her, show her. As I said, most of all, you are going to need patience. All these months she has become emotionally guarded and distant, and it will take time to both let down those barriers (she will have up now in order to prevent reconciling right away) and then time to open her heart again. There are no guarantees, but it can be done. Best of luck to you

Um..I live in Winnipeg, so I am up in Canada as well. While the laws do vary from province to province, there are some guidelines in place, and some stiff penalties. If you do kill someone, those penalties can be more severe. I doubt Ontario says "it is okay for someone to drive drunk". Many provinces add criminal convictions (like manslaughter charges) to the existing vehicle laws because they fall under separate sectors of government. Just because the DUI law does not charge murder, does not mean added criminal charges are not possible. Furthermore, the very fact that DUI's are seen as "illegal" is a demonstration of guilt - you ARE guilty of driving drunk whether someone dies or not. link removed

Roffler.... So, what you are saying is if someone is drunk, gets in their car, drives home and kills a family of four on the way, then they should not be held responsible? That is super. Let's regress back to days where there is no culpability whatsoever. The reason they are GUILTY according to current law - whether driving drunk, whether it is beating their spouse, is because they were of the mental capacity to CHOOSE to drink knowing full well what the subsequent consequences of that action would be (mental impairment). Drinking does cloud ones judgement yes, but you know this going into it. thereforeeee if you drink, and your subsequent actions are harmful to another you are guilty. So if you drink, cheat, and blame the drinking that is not a reason to get off lightly. So does that mean everytime you have a drink they can thereforeeee have reason to cheat again and blame it on the drinking - I mean they got away with it once. They chose to drink, and get themselves in that situation, had consequences and thereforeeee should change their actions. The original poster in this case may be able to forgive him, but ONLY if he shows/demonstrates change in his behaviour. Otherwise, he indeed is not being responsible for his actions.

I think it is a nice gesture actually - I would not "expect" her to accept the invitation, but after a year, as long as she is not still angry or anything, she might just go! Be prepared that she may be involved with someone else (but still might want to go anyway!) or may have moved on...but then also be prepared for sparks! Let us know how it goes!

But what Beec is saying is that you should maybe not treat her like a princess ALL the time - show some independence/aloofness as well - it makes you more mysterious, gives that feeling of not being so available to the other person and makes you more alluring. Of course, treat her well, and don't be cruel...lol. But be more mixed in your interactions with her.

Well, she is definitely still "conflicted" about how she feels as you very well know (reminds me of my ex in this sense - when we are together it is like everything is awesome, but then he still wants to be on his own though he "wants me" Grrrr....so I know how you feel!). However, I also think you have a very good perspective on the situation and you sound like you are looking at it quite logically/rationally. And I think you are taking the correct approach in telling her you just did not want to rehash everything again/go into it. My guess is she does indeed love you - but for whatever reason cannot admit it fully yet to herself, in that she still has barriers up. How to break these down, well it may be something only she can do, or something that is just going to take you some time. I don't have much advice, just wanted to say I know how you feel, and I am actually envious as you seem "slightly ahead" in that my ex is still adamant on being single for a year or whatever, and I worry about being able to do this for that length of time - or more specifically worry about how to keep building the positivity/relationship and grow together more in that time without pressuring!

I don't think it is harsh at all, no. I think you are going through the stages of loss, and that is normal. He is probably not trying to upset you, but is probably just thinking about things and you, and touching base. Why, only he knows right now. If you are not ready, I would send a very polite reply back, and let him know you are really busy right now in your life and just leave it at that. No need to be harsh or rude about it, just let him know you are moving/moved on without actually coming out and saying that!

Until you can control your emotions (and that also means controlling telling him all about how much you miss him and love him) then stay no contact. If he contacts you before you are ready, you have to demonstrate it does not affect you. You don't have to do no contact if you can control your emotions, but you yourself said that you already want to tell him how much you miss him and so on. It would probably be okay to drop a light email saying that it was nice to see him, and touch base. But that is it. Nothing about missing him more that "anything else in this world" - that is PRESSURE. No no no.

Alright...well while I would not NORMALLY say this is the best thing to do...here goes. It seems she left as she started to doubt your commitment to her and as you said herself, kept expecting a ring and not getting one. If you both talked of the future together and of marriage.....and did both want this, and you are 100% sure you do want to be with her 100% this time around with a second chance...why don't you get the ring? She might say no now, but....if she loves you, and her only concern really is that you will get back together and once again you will be wishy washy about everything, I think she might want something very committed from you. Of COURSE if you are in no way ready for marriage of have doubts about being with her...don't. There are other ways to "win her back" through seduction etc....but it seems to me she does love you, just doubts your commitment and started to feel she might be waiting forever.

If you already have your mind made up, than you are not going to listen to anyone else anyway. What the others are stating are facts: SHE IS MARRIED. SHE HAS CHILDREN THAT ARE NOT THAT MUCH YOUNGER THAN YOU. HER FIRST PRIORITY SHOULD BE HER FAMILY. SHE DID LIE TO YOU. If you were fine with the lie, than that is fine, but the fact remains she IS married, and that she is getting emotionally involved with someone other than her husband, and that IS cheating. Interfering in a marriage is no lighthearted matter, and I am sorry that you cannot see it that way. Go look at the infidelity forum to see the hurt there. To be honest, I don't care about the age thing at all right now, it is the fact she is MARRIED that is the big NO NO.

Hi Toni, I think my post may have gotten lost on page 7 or 8 amongst your replies to others, please take a look Thanks!

Hi Toni My ex and I were together for about 16 months, we broke up about two months ago. We both just turned 25, so started dating when we were 23. The break up itself was quite sudden (for both of us to be honest) as he just one night after a very stupid argument realized he was not able to commit to a relationship in terms of not just emotional commitment, but time (he was feeling very pressured/obligated to be a better boyfriend according to his OWN ideas (not mine) and felt due to work, classes, various organizations he is involved in he did not have time). He felt he was kind of "starving me" I guess, and also felt that he just was not ready. In the past he has been hurt quite badly (he was cheated on etc, and I know that also affected him for a long while and have led to some insecurities). He just felt the need for "freedom" - not to be with anyone else, but he said he did not want a "future wife" at this point in his life. Our relationship itself was great - and yes there were some small issues at times, but we agree we have great chemistry, attraction, love for one another, friendship. The thing is, he DOES love me, he does "want" to be with me, he just "can't" right now and does not feel "in love" with the relationship. He has no negative feelings of me, or even of our relationship. So it seems he wants me, just feels he can't right now. His need to be single and selfish is stronger right now, and the thing is he also PROMISED himself he would stay single for at least one year (he has never really been on his "own"). He has also admitted to me he has fears of "failing" if he stayed with me - like in a few years having these doubts and then having to face a divorce (secretly, I think he also fears abandonment based on his past). Though, he is open to something with me again, and even hopes for that to happen - he is sooo stubborn, I fear that we will both lose out on the chance to renew our relationship as a result of it. We are currently friends - we talk and see one another often. In fact, I just got back from spending a 5 day trip mountain biking with him (we are both active in cycling community, so see each other around that often too). I know he does care a great deal about me (not just by what he says, but his actions), and as I said "wants" to be with me, but I think he fears things not working out, not being able to do it, those problems he felt coming back, or again having those doubts return. I know I had some faults too in the relationship - when he pulled away, I did get more "needy", things like that - things I recognize that I needed to (and have changed). I avoid talking of the relationship with him now. When we are together we have a great time, we laugh a lot, there is some intimacy, and closeness, we are just very comfortable with one another and we just seem to know each other very well (this was true even when we first met). He genuingely does enjoy being with me (and I with him!). I am having a hard time figuring out how he will realize that being with me is worth the sacrifice of being single again, or something. The thing is honestly, as things are now, is perfect. We spend time with one another a couple times a week, talk a couple times too, and then we do our own things. I like it, it gives us both independence (neither of us are seeing anyone else) and we still get to spend time together (when we broke up he was very adamant he did enjoy my company and wanted me in his life, in hopes he could figure out his issues and what he wants). However, there is not actual "commitment" there - I don't mean in terms of marriage or anything, just in terms of an official relationship. It is still "open". I want us to have a second chance, I love him for who he is - for the person he is. If we were only to be friends forever, I could learn to accept that too as he is an incredible person, however, what I truly want is to be with him again, but I am not sure how he will ever realize things will be "different" this time around, or how given his stubborness he will let that wall down and be ready to try again. I know I can't be pushy, but I also fear that if I ease right off we will grow apart. It seems right now he still is not listening to his heart - it is clear he "wants to be with me" but he is still convincing himself that he should not be since he did say he would be single - it it a pride thing!

Doc, I think she WILL one day at the very least look back and have some regrets. Why? Well, sounds like she will end up jilted by this guy, or unhappy at some point and she will also have positive thoughts of you (time does that) - and she will look back and realize how she hurt someone before too - karma has a funny way of coming back and kicking us in the behind when it is bad. On the positive side, GOOD karma also comes back to us - and you are in that position yourself. She has some growing up to do, unfortunately, being with this guy is probably going to stall her a while longer on that path.

I definitely feel for you here Cecelius - not a personal story...but one related to my ex. A year or so before he met me, he started dating a girl with a very questionable relationship history - she had cheated on pretty much ALL her boyfriends, with her male "friends" and had a pretty high "number" given her age at the time (20/21). My ex was very hesitant at first about being with her as he found this history, but also did not listen to warnings or his gut - as he fell for her. Still, he did have doubts about one of her male friends, yet somehow overcame it. Though he DID tell her that her friend was out for more, she denied it all the time. 5 months later, she went camping with a few people, including her "friend" To sum it up, they fooled around. She returned from trip and ex and her met up and were having a good time. And I am not sure how it came up, but he said he trusted her and she would never do anything like that...she said "well, actually"...and it came out. They broke up, tried getting back together a week later, and he dumped her a month after that as he felt she had no shame and he was the one that was doing all the work anyway. So he was tremendously hurt as he had fallen for her, and also he felt he had betrayed HIMSELF as he did not listen to his head. Now he knows that she was not the one and everything, and really would not care if he never talked to her again, but he did have a lot of trust issues. We met only months later, and he still had those issues, and that baggage from her. It definitely harmed us. He had prior to that been in a position where he wanted to settle down - alas, that event set him right back again and while he did realize over time I am very very trustworthy, it did hurt us, and now he has fears of failure/abandonment, being able to do it "forever" and so on...and that is why we are now "broken up". He knows he loves me, but he is afraid to be so vulnerable again and to truly fall right into something so serious right now. I think he knows some of his issues are from this, and admits she is the reason for his current need to be free attitude, but I don't know if he realizes or admits to himself HOW much it hurt him. Now this girl....she had told him he should trust her, and she was changed. She is now "engaged" to a guy in Europe she met, however when they are apart they have an "open arrangement" and she seems to take advantage of that. So...really, all I am trying to say is follow your gut. She may have changed and she may very well be loyal forever, but be careful.

The reason I had asked, was because mostly with my ex, it seems he broke up with me not because of me. He in fact is the first to admit that he WANTS to be with me and that we do have great chemistry - unfortunately due to many circumstances, the difference is he cannot commit to me right now. But he does hope we can be together again at some point - he just can't be right now, or rather, he has CONVINCED himself he can't. Stubborness... Since the break, I know he is having a good time that the "pressure" of a relationship is off with me as he feels like he has some more freedom (not with other women, just to travel, do things for himself more), but, I also think he has realized that he is still stressed, still way too busy, and that I really was not the reason for that as much. ESPECIALLY as we do have a great time together and things between us since the breakup have honestly been awesome for the most part. I think he is also realizing to some degree that he misses me more than he thought he would, and loves me more than he thought - though he will try his hardest to not accept that as a reason to be with me again (but the more the fight it, the more they care about you )

Yes, I DEFINITELY think you SHOULD respond, as I think she has had some time to think things through more. She is certainly approaching it more rationally (rather than emotionally) now, and I really think you should do much the same. I think this can be the start to a healing conversation. Be very careful though, do NOT say anything that could cause her to get defensive or angry (DO NOT say anything/bring up anything that could sound like blame/anger). It is okay to convey that you care, but do not get overemotional. Reconciliation has to have a logical, planning component - it is not like the first time you met when it all just happened! And it should not be, because you need to demonstrate you have learned from your mistakes, and are approaching it with a clear head (not fear of loss, etc). I think it is okay to write something back to open it up a bit, but being able to talk in person if you can stay cool & calm will be necessary too

Well, being older does increase the risks of problems (miscarriages) and of some "defects" such as Down's Syndrome - which they do test for now usually in pregnancies of women at greater risk. It is also harder for many women to conceive. HOWEVER, having said that, medicine is pretty great these days and many women do have children later on in life. My bosses wife just had her first child in December 2003 at the age of 41. So yes, it is DEFINITELY possible, and as long as you take care and have a great ob/gyn, you can have beautiful babies.

My ex and I are friends. It was a strange thing for both of us, and still is sometimes. But, there are various factors why we have remained friends and we both put a lot of effort into the friendship. A lot of it is because the breakup was not harsh so to speak - he really does love me, but can't say he can commit yet, and that is partly to do with me too and my own actions that made him feel pressured. I do not lay all blame on him for the break up. He expressed a great desire to remain friends, though understood if I could not be. I am glad I have though. Not only do I get to still know this wonderful person, but it has given me a lot more clarity to the break up. I could of been angry, hated him...and never really seen/ known what was going on. I also know that the breakup was more about personal growth for him to be on his own for a period of time as he never has been so knowing it is not to find someone else (and it definitely is not about that he has told me a few times) or to play around does make it a lot easier, as I know he still values and respects me. If he broke up with me and was off messing around or looking for someone else, or not putting anything into the friendship, I probably would of walked away. Do I want more? Yes. But so does he. Unfortunately, it just cannot happen right now, or at least he think he can't. Will it happen later? I think there is at least a chance, and I know he is equally open to it. It is a journey I am on, and something that I KNOW can happen But it will take patience as he is stubborn, and I know though he loves me, right now he will do everything he can mentally to block being with me right now. I have to be able to get through the positive and negatives with equal fortitude. Friendship however, is the basis of a great relationship...but even if there is never the relationship, a great friendship lasts forever. I think the odds are very good though, that in time, we will be more again, though that is not WHY I am friends with him.