RayKay

I would not say I feel the same as when I broke up no - actually not at all! No, not totally "over it" obviously, but I am able to step outside any pain and I am not crying over it or anything! I told him that if I was telling another friend in my situation what to do...I would tell her to walk away! Trust me, I know that, and he knows that! I just don't think this is a "ride" is the problem. He has not made promises of a future to me or anything like that. It is not like that (even though it can sort of come accross that way). That email is also only a small sampling of it - and there are others that are more clear...that one was not about "future" us no, but about present "us" and presently NO, he does not want to get back together. He does not get best of both worlds either, I am not his quasi-gf here! No you cannot choose when you fall in love - you are entirely correct. But you can make a choice to be ready to love. Unless you open your heart to it, it will not enter. It just can't. I know because I have been on the other end of it. However, things can change. And they do. I have seen it happen. P.S. I know I am defensive...but as anyone who is involved with someone knows....despite all the advice you can get from outsiders - you know them best. Not everyone is a class-A jerk, or at least by admitting they are being one, they are only a Class-C

Thanks. I do appreciate your "bluntness" and trust me these are things that went through my head too, and I did talk to him, and others about it. Well for one, he is NOT sleeping around - he did his man whore period in a previous life..lol. It got him into trouble before, and knows it could now too...so no. The goal of this is NOT to increase his number. Two, he has come to grips with his patterns and has realized he has ALWAYS had a girlfriend. Time to stop. Or it will happen again. Same reason he cannot get back together with me right now. If we do get back together, trust me, counselling will be mandatory (that is, if I am willing). Three, he was allowed to party on weekends when he WAS with me so that is not the deal. He is actually spending more time ALONE now anyway - and back in school for his Masters PT in addition to FT job and PT job. Part of the reason he let the relationship go was those stresses. He just does not want to be responsible for anyone else right now. He knows he is being immature, he fully admits that. Four, our friendship is quite casual - mostly around biking and so on. Part of reason I cannot go no contact is due to small cycling community and our community involvement in it as well. He has plenty of other friends too, and does not NEED me to be friends. He knows he is a jerk, and is stupid. And is mental. But sometimes you do have to just give them space. Don't get me wrong, I am not contacting him and chasing after him. But I am not shutting him out either. Not yet. Sure the moving on period is longer, but does not mean it is not possible I am not catering to HIS demands, he has never said you HAVE to stay friends, when I have considered leaving, while he said he would be sad, he could understand.

Swede, First don't feel bad about how long your posts are - look at mine, and they are AFTER a lot of editing to make them shorter! Second, I know it is tough not to call him, and I really have a harder time putting myself in your place since my ex and I DO talk to one another and see each other due to shared athletic endeavours and are trying to both have a friendship. There are times I DO HAVE to call him because of certain committee duties, organizational things. And even when I try to limit contact - we are bound to run into one another or for him to call, and I am not angry with him - so I am not going to ignore him! He knows how I feel about things, and about him and I have to leave it at that with him. As hard as it is to not say "I love you", I don't....because that to him is "pressure". It is hard for both of us, because we have to keep that line between friends and "dating" because dating is TOO close to relationship which is not helping him, or me in the long run! Love, Space and Time is all I can do - prepare for worst, hope for best! Focus on you in the meantime! Third, to answer your question. I am open to something in the future, yes. The breakup is still fresh, and I still would like something in the future. At the same time, I know that he is not the ONLY one out there and there are many who would love chance to be with someone as great as me....but right now of course I don't want them! I HOPE he realizes one day what he lost, and he already knows how great it could be anyway, I just hope he does not forget that! If he came back now....I don't think I would take him back. It would make me feel to insecure next while. I don't have to worry about that though since he is an engineer and has a strange logical mind, and WILL NOT get involved for a year anyway...so I can sort of relax (of course I still worry, and don't want to see him dating others or sleeping with others still!) because I KNOW he will stick to that - just the way he is, even if he has to say no to someone greater than me (hahaha, like that will happen ). If he does want to get back together in a year or more, and I am available and willing to try again - regular counselling will be MANDATORY. He does not know that yet, face it if it happens, but it will be. (Too many people wait until too late to go for counselling - go when it is good too!). If our friendly relationship continues as it has been, yes, I can see myself taking him back. But he has to come back willingly and ready for me!

Hey...my dear ex-bf...is that you? Hehe. My ex broke up with me a couple weeks ago for very similar reasons (though he is almost 25) after 16 months together. I love him dearly, and am broken hearted, but he needs to be single and on his own - he is not ready to think in terms of "forever" yet though he does love me and miss me and realizes how awesome I am and knows the potential is great, and he does not want to lose me. He needs space and time to work these things out, and he knows he will not be ready to be in something serious until he is at least 26, maybe 27. Because he did not want to lose me, but was not feeling right about being in a relationship with me since he could not promise me forever the way he was feeling, he started to look for reasons to find a way out with me - stupid little things that in hindsight KNOWS were not important. He wanted things to be wrong so he could find something wrong with me. So basically, I thought I was doing something wrong and knew what we had could end. He could see being with me short term, and long term - but not in the middle! In hindsight, he realizes he is stupid, and he cares and that I am great, but he still needs to do this -or he will always have doubts. It hurts yes, but I can't force him to stay either! The irony is, that since the breakup we have been getting along awesome, and that if things continue like that, there is a greater chance something will happen down the line. But for now, he needs to be on his own and we do have to stick to "friends" so we do not fall back into something he is not mentally or emotionally ready for. So, as tough as it was, I had to let him go. No begging or pleading. Though we did talk about it a lot, and still do sometimes, so I could understand where he is coming from. I am hurt, yes, because I wish it was something we could work out together, but I can see it is not really. He was just not ready for it. So we are trying to be friends now - the love is there, and the care for one another, and the attraction is still high and we have a great time together. We miss each other, but this is best for him, and best for me whatever happens. We are both open to something restarting again with us in the future, and there is hope it will...but in the end, what is meant to be will be. You are young. And she is young. If you feel you need time, then you NEED time. And she has to somehow give you that space and time otherwise if you go back because you feel bad, you will not deal with these issues and it will happen again. When you love someone, let them go...if they come back they are yours forever. If they don't they were never yours to begin with. If you love her, but feel that you just cannot commit to the relationship - YOU have to let her go just as much as SHE has to let you go. If you don't you will end up having resentment, and it will get worse for both of you. Because in the end, if you two do belong together, it will happen. But you cannot count on it either - for every couple that reunites there are dozens more that don't. I am fortunate in that I know some good stories too. Good luck. If you two are meant to be together, you will be down the road. I know it will be hard for her to have faith in that...as it is hard for me to just want to "give up". But you can't hold onto someone who is not ready to be there. If they want to come back, they will - you cannot control one's heart. I have faith I will have a second chance with my ex when he is ready and if I am available, and I truly hope that it does happen. If it does not, I will be okay though - I am strong, beautiful and smart to boot, and have a lot of love for someone who opens up to it. I am okay on myself, and I am okay with someone who is READY. Until he is ready, I cannot be with him...or anyone else who is not ready!

Ouch, as much as it sucks to be in my own position with a ex where the relationship was ended due to his own CP issues, at least he is very aware of them and is taking the next year minimum to work on them - he misses me, but knows I deserve better - whether with him in the future or with someone else. I miss him too terribly, but I would not want to go through what you did over and over again! Sounds to me like your ex has a lot of growing up to do, and first he needs to recognize his patterns instead of putting blame on the partner (you) - since the problems are clearly within himself. He will KEEP repeating this pattern until he sees it himself (as my ex has and is reason he is NOT getting into another relationship with me or anyone else for a while and until he has confronted his issues and fears). The only way he WILL get over this is to take some time to himself - ALONE and NOT get into another relationship no matter how tempting, even get some counselling, because this will happen over and over with you or others. He has to figure out what he WANTS. Too many people look for rush of new relationships, and run before they get hurt, or don't want to put any work into it. My own ex just was not in mental or emotional state to put work into relationship due to past issues, and knows he has to deal with those before he can be ready again (still hope he is ready with me later!). Good luck, DON'T let him crawl on back. Be firm in your choice to not take him back (even though it hurts) because it sounds like you will get hurt again. Maybe in time - I mean in year or more, he will have changed - but then again so might have you! Only when you can actually SEE a difference, and a commitment, do you think about trying again. Best of luck.

I am attaching an email my ex sent me yesterday: "...well, I also have really been enjoying the time we have spent together during the past few weeks, and I too wish that I knew then what I knew now. Like I said to one of my friends, "Things between me and (RayKay) are really good now...if they had been this good before, we never would have broken up in the first place." So yeah, I know it seems kind of dumb that I'm not willing to try again (yet). But the fact is that I am also really enjoying the "not together" time...much, much more than I used to (as a result of the no pressure). This is a really good thing for me right now, and I'm sorry that it is hard for you. It IS hard for me too, sometimes, but the fact is that my apartment is cleaner, I'm eating better, sleeping a bit more, biking more (thanks in part to the weather) and actually have started to read for fun! As far as other people, well, it bugs me to think about you with other people, too. But I just have to try not to do it. And I will assure you again, I am not looking for another girlfriend. I was talking to my parents about this on Sunday (actually, I will tell you about it sometime, it was kind of funny some of the stuff my Dad was saying). I have more or less always had a girlfriend for the past while, and my parent agree/suggested that maybe it's time I don't get a girlfriend. I agree. This is a new, different and exciting opportunity for me, and I think it will help me develop as a person and make my relationship when I eventually settle down that much better. I haven't picked up any girls at the bar, and frankly, I'm not very interested. I haven't seen anyone I'm even interested in. I don't need to pick up to feel good about myself, you know? I haven't yet passed the test (to not feel like he has to go home with someone), but I believe that I will when the opportunity arises (i.e. shut her down). I know the uncertainty for you is really tough, but all I can tell you is that I promised you a date when I'm ready for a girlfriend (before anyone else), and I'm going to stick to that. As you know, I'm a man of my word." So even though we get along great, and things are great as he said between us, he won't be READY for a long time! He swore that he definitely would NOT have another girlfriend (unless it was me) before his 26th birthday (in 13 months) or longer. I will be first to know (as we joked around, I DO get "first dibs" if I want them). While he would love to date me now, it is too close to "relationship" to do it, and even with other dates he goes on they will be very infrequent and limited to 1 or 2 (sparks or not). I am hoping he learns how swampy the dating pool can be! Also, he said that when he broke up with me, and the preceding while, he really thought the problem was ME - in the sense that there were some small things that bothered him/were irritating him that he could not get over and things he just let grow and frustrate him rather than talk about it. However, in hindsight he has realized that those were very very trivial, and he should of accepted them as part of my idiosyncracies and who I am. He NOW realized after the past couple weeks that it really IS him, and he was looking for things to be problems for a "way out" (classic commitment phobe behaviour of course). He now sees that maintaining a relationship with me IS worth it though he could not see it when he was too far gone into it..grrrr! So he does want to maintain friendship in hopes one day maybe we can the emotional closeness again without the stupidities on his part! A lot of it can hurt to hear - like if I am so great what the heck, just get over your issues! But I do understand. And I am also somewhat fortunate to know what is going on - a lot of people I know never know the reasons for the breakup, and that can be really hard too. He expressed his own concerns to me yesterday that before he is ready we might grow distant though he said he does not think that would happen between us. He also expressed some concern about timing - like when he IS ready I am with someone (as he does not want me to put my life on hold if it feels right) so he finds someone else, then I break up and he is involved, and I get involved...and on and on! Or that he is never ready (though he really doubts that, he is confident he WILL be able to sort himself out). I said I just don't want it to be over forever, and he said he does not want that either. If this does not break us and send us into our own corners broken and bleeding, it will make us stronger - right? Best now to "give up" all hope, and if something happens, bonus! He does not want me to pine away for him either. In the meantime, I know I have to take care of myself, and heal, and live my own life. And try to not hope, in case it never happens, and try to not think about what he is doing or not doing without me - but it is so hard as many of you know. As long as you are both alive, it is hard to extinguish hope

It would seem to me the "waiting out" has not worked, nor has the talking (I assume you have talked about it?). If you are seriously committed to this, and so is he - counselling is probably in order. If not (and it does not sound like you are happy, and it is emotionally hurting you)...time to walk. You deserve better. There is something more to this than just sex...and if he is not opening up about it...time to move on. Be strong.

It is VERY true "being friends" is not for everyone, and it is certainly a strange road. I was very resistant to it at first, however the reasons for the split, and the fact that we had a great friendship even in our relationship does make it harder to walk away from. I have expressed my concerns to him about becoming "just friends" however, there are many of our discussions which lead me to believe that friends are not "undateable" and while yes it still lets me have hope rather than complete no contact might, the fact is if it is meant to be, it will be - friends or not. And after a lot of reflection, being friends could provide an even more solid and strong relationship if it is in our future. We share too many good times to give all that away as well. Don't ge me wrong, it IS tough, especially as since the "pressure" is off of him on the commitment thing we have an even greater time together now, but it is not the same and it does still hurt that things were not "different" but unfortunately right now they cannot be. I just have to respect his space and time right now, and if it is meant to be, he will hopefully come back ready and willing. That would happen whether we were friends or not (in fact, he would of admittedly called me in a year or whatever anyway if I did go no contact to see if things could happen again). I hope either way we can have a fresh start - I am stiill scared it won't happen, and being friends makes me more aware of what is NOT happening right now, but as I said, the times we have spent together since the split are fond shared memories for us BOTH. And maybe that will help boost that positive light of me in the end too! Right now, he is just ultra confused I think...and I try to give him some distance so he does not feel like we are getting serious without him being willing too again. As sappy as it is, if it is meant to be, it will be. Friends or not. The old saying "if you love them, let them go, if they come back they are yours forever, if they don't they were never yours to begin with". I hope for the first of course! Personally, while in the past I could never do it, I care too much about him to not want to be in his life at all - even if at the end it is in friendship and I do have to go through pain of seeing him happy with someone else, when I truly feel it should be me. I know he DOES actually appreciate my qualities - that is not the problem (yeah, so why isn't he with me - I know, he thinks its stupid too!). So I think it really depends why you broke up too!

Wow, thanks, I think you are "bang-on" with your comments about maybe he felt that everytime we were together he felt that "implicit forever thing!". While there were no heavy future relationship talks, I think sometimes things "slipped out" that may have put him on his toes. It is all just very confusing right now for me....I definitely want to be with him, and I just wish he would wake up and realize the same one of these days..lol. I think you are right in him wanting to keep me "sort of close", because he has said that he hopes there can be a future (though I am worried about his adamant stance against getting to even thinking about it for a year or more, and of course worried it won't be me still!) I know if he had seen me with someone else at the bar he would of been incredibly jealous, and very hurt...and felt very insecure (and I would feel much the same way!) I think his insecurity right now too is a big hindrance to him opening up. While he knows he can trust me fully, and I would never hurt him (took him a while to get there even!) I still think he has a fear of failure...he has to absolutely KNOW I am right for him, and right now he is obviously not totally sure (otherwise he would be here!). I do know I came a long way to make him feel like he could trust me after his past experience, and it seems he does not trust ME, I am just not sure he trusts HIMSELF to maintain and keep someone interested, or something. I truly am trying to give him that space he needs, and not put any pressure on. Right now, while we are broken up, as I said we spent a lot of time together last week which is strange, and if often seemed how stupid it was that we were acting so close, yet we were no longer together! He definitely did feel less pressure though, and I just hope that can open his heart back up and let him see again. Who knows what is in store for this week, or the one after, and I guess that is what scares me! I know that if he truly loves me, some absense might make him realize he misses me...but of course I also worry about him "forgetting", though if that happened than I guess it was not meant to be either - right now that still terrifies me though I try to have faith. I tried right from the start to allow him that space, though I admit the first couple days I did break down! The last few times though, have been more on his own incentive - when I called with a message to ask about some stuff at his place I needed, he invited me out for a bike ride and then he called me after the bar too the very next day. Who knows what the next while holds - I am sure he is afraid of getting back into something serious again though, so that may keep him away for a bit - so I will have to respect that and do my best to not dial that number! He does know I care deeply, and that I do love him...so I am not going on about that when I talk to him, I just hope being friends is the right step. I am strong enough to do it, but I don't want him to feel that "pressure" to be with me eventually, though he has said he really does want to be close friends. Argh. I really want him to just miss me like crazy and come back!

My ex and I have been broken up for not even two weeks yet, and it was his choice...the whole "not you, it's me" and the typical "commitment phobe" failure to really open heart and mind to a relationship and thereforeeee be ready for partnership that comes with it. I am somewhat quelled by fact his is more of a temporary commitment aversion, due to some dishonesty and pain from his previous relationship, and fact that he knows he will regain again that desire to be in a relationship as he has had before and is open to it with me. We are both young (24) and have all the time in the world I know, but this is all so confusing right now! Anyway, since the breakup we have seen each other more this past week than we did during any week in the the last few months of our 16 month relationship - this is in large part due to shared social circles/athletics. Thw hard part is is has all been GREAT. Sure we did have SOME relationship talks, but never was I begging or anything, we were just talking through things - his reasonings, and all that. It has been a lot of fun for both of us, though obviously a little harder for me - though I have been very good about not showing that - no breakdowns or anything, though we have had some talks. When he was in a formal "relationship" with me, he felt pressured (I have admitted to him in part that may have been due to me giving so much, he may have felt I was emotionally dependent since he was not ready for that) and so was unhappy, and would have stupid little fights with me. I have expressed to him that I wish I had known how he felt as I would of made sure to give him more space and time, but he has said that it really is not about space and time - it was about the "commitment". Now that he is out of it formally, he feels like a weight has been lifted, though he misses me, and loves me, and still values the time we spend together (note...he does not ask for sex or anything like that). SINCE the breakup, we have spent more time together, and for both our sides it has been lots of positive moments (even the talking parts) and even HE has admitted how stupid he is for being this way, and he likened it to when he lived at home he argued with his parents all the time, as soon as he left, they get along great. He is INCREDIBLY stubborn and so I know as he said he will not get back into anything for at LEAST a year and KNOWS he is ready, can treat me right and have the emotional closeness with me without the stupid fighting about nothing. He is definitely OPEN to something happening in the future between us and says he would be very hard pressed to find anyone better before he is ready to settle down, and is not looking for anybody else or anything serious (though we will both maybe date casually) and the whole idea is NOT to be in a relationship right now as he just cannot take the pressure of the responsibility. Even I feel somewhat "less burdened" in my time with him, since I don't feel like I am waking on a tightrope as I have last couple months at times. But damn we have both said how incredibly WEIRD and STUPID this all is. He admitted to me today that he went to bar last night (he knew I was going to it with my sister) under guise of meeting his friend, and actually the only reason was to see if he could find me since it was already really late and he really had no need to go..he searched 3 or 4 times but then gave up (I left just before he got there I think) and then he called me when he got home anyway. We are planning a trip for July as well (one that we had planned before the breakup, but still want to do). He actually looks forward more to the time with me, and feels a lot better in the moment with me than he did - now that he no longer feels 'obligated' he feels better. So, I know right now he gets his cake and eats it too (to a point anyway) but things are also so good, that going no contact seems silly. Of course, I don't deserve to be in limbo either for a year till he makes up his mind, and it certainly does not allow me to move on. Problem is, I don't know if I SHOULD move on, I mean, what if this does allow us to regain that closeness again and when he is ready, we can start "fresh". I do want that, and he wants that too and hopes it can work out that way, but he just needs to feel alone and single right now (though...hmmm...not really been so much like that this last week!). I am going to do my best to go no-contact for the next week, unless he calls me at some point - until we have to meet for a bike race next Sunday, and see what happens. I am hoping it will help him realize that he does TRULY miss me. It is all so strange right now. I would be incredibly hurt if he was with someone else (though he has said he would not get involved seriously, and I expressed that "things happen" he was quite adamant that no, it would not....and I mean, I am pretty sure I can trust that. He may date casually, but he won't allow anything serious for sure. It is not about dating others, or getting involved...it is about him being selfish and feeling like he has TIME right now). It seems that he truly does love me, but is also horribly confused about himself and what he wants. Yes, he is DEFINITELY commitment averse and that has become more clear since we broke up since now he seems great....so what do I do to make it feel open for him to come back when he is ready....I am trying right now just to give him space and time...but it is also really hard to just "let go" when I KNOW that we truly do have something very special and there is lots of potential there too (which he has told me). I can't help believing that having a strong friendship too could make the potential future relationship stronger if we do come to that point.

Thanks Steve. While I am not CLOSED to anything happening with someone else in next couple years (it is a risk that both he and I are very aware of! Kind of why I hope it is more like a year..lol) I do know that it IS a good time for me to be single for a while too, since I have been involved in long term relationships really close to one another for a long while now. I guess the idea is that well, until he is ready he is NOT going to get involved - and while I know that can change and I brought up the fact that sometimes "love just happens" he also said just no, for him it is not about that - one he would be very hard pressed to find anyone better that could for one compete with me or with the relationship we have already established together, two, he is just NOT going to date seriously - even if by chance someone great came along (asides from me) it would suck but he would have to say no simply due to fact that was what happened in his past couple relationships (incl me) - he KNEW he was not ready. The first girl cheated so that was over anyway but it did devastate him as he did not listen to his instincts, but in ours it was nothing like that. Because he was NOT ready, his heart was just not totally into it. I have expressed to him that I know I have to move on as if it is is all over forever, because then at least in the future whatever happens it will all be good, and he agrees with that - he does not WANT me to wait, though if I did find someone he would be pretty upset in the end. Then, if we do end up back together, great, if not well I'll already be okay. Having said that though of course it is VERY hard to not have some hope, though 1-2 years is so very long right now it seems! He does not want to lead me on, but he does want me to know he is definitely open to the future, and if our friendship continues as it has been, the chances are that much better - but darn it is tough when you want more! Part of the reason he DID decide to break it off, was because he looked at other couples he knows where they split for similar reasons, stayed in contact and got back together a year or two later and are much stronger together for it now and committed. I do believe that love is not always easy, but it does find a way. Best of luck to you in your situation.

Actually, I am sort of relieved. The ex knows he will NOT allow himself to get into a serious relationship again until he is at LEAST 26, maybe 27 due to various reasons which takes a lot of pressure of me too! Of course he will date, but well he is a stubborn guy and if the goal he set is nothing serious till then, he'll stick to it even if it means turning someone down (though he said should be easy, I am a 97.5 on his gf ratings...highest yet and chances are finding someone better between his ages of 26 and 30 when he is ready are 1 in 4 trillion (engineers!)). Hard to understand unless you know him While of course not promising a future reuniting, he is open to it happening (better than nothing!) We have had some very good discussions (very supportive of me too, in whatever steps I need to take) and so I do at least "know" what happened. Basically, a lot of it (as stereotypical as it sounds) is to do with timing. It also has to do with some selfish needs too - he does truly care, and does love me and enjoys spending time with me, but he really felt "trapped" though I was as he admitted very low pressure - he was just not ready to think of forever and admits he does currently have some aversions to commitment (I don't say phobic, as most seem to be brought on by the trauma of his last ex) which he readily admits too, but also knows he just need the time - he will get tired of being single and want a relationship again, and this time be READY for it. He could see me around short term, and long term, but the middle was always fuzzy and he could not see us together straight through, and it appears we have almost hit the middle - while it sucks, he at least did not drag me along until it got worse, and he does seem to be much happier right now feeling "free". He felt bad for how he was treating me too, he already can see how he was being (he was fine, but not totally emotionally committed) and has apologized. So, I set him free...if it is meant to be, it will be, right? Okay, it hurts I admit, but well, we do have a good friendship and I value that no matter what happens later. I know to "prepare for the worst" and I do need to date and all that and move on (though of course he would be quite down if I did...he knows it is a risk), it sure would be nice to think one day that year or two from now, things could happen. There is something special there, and we are both great people. If I am single when he is ready, we will have a date (a REAL one even though we are friends) and I think being good/close friends with him truly improves the chances later on - I mean sometimes best friends can make the best relationships!. I know everyone is different, but no contact is not the best in this case, though some distance is definitely necessary, otherwise he will never figure these things out. So, do is all I can really do is create "positive moments"? I do have chances to do so - in summer about once a week or so, and even a biking trip in July. We do have a great time together and open communication, just wondering how to best approach those positive moments. As I said, IF anything happens it will not be for a long while, so I am not really letting myself feel pressure or anything right now - it really is out of my hands for moment, and I just want to not close myself off to a future - though I do know I need to date and all that, I am going to nourish my single soul first. If he and I end up friends only, then that is not so bad either, though it would be sort of sad Though, we were both saying a fresh start, done right would be great and we would be far stronger for it in the end.

I am learning to be at peace whether it happens or not, that if it is meant to be it is...but I cannot help wondering - uncertainity bites! He was not ready to settle down (was still young at under 25), and wanted to be on his own for a while after a long term relationship since he were not ready again so soon for the responsibilities of a long term future and did not feel right about how he was behaving. He started to shut down to avoid getting too emotionally committed. He will take his time, and reassess down the road - but he HAS to feel single and not "on a break" for it to work - cannot have a "safety". He could see me there "short" term, and long term - but not yet in the middle with no time off. While the break was hard for both of us, it was respectful and we are on good terms together and are even quite good friends. We do share a lot of common interests in the community and for example, still train together and hang out sometimes and do have a great time - positive interactions. He does miss me, and does love me, and honestly knows he is risking losing a great person, but knows that this is best in long run and he really has to do it in order to be in better frame of mind, to really feel alone, heal from past hurt, and treat other better, as well as to have more time in his life since he really truly does have too much on his plate, and relationship ended up being 'easiest' thing to remove (sucks for both of us, but it is what happened and it was not an easy choice for him). Best for him, and best for me whether it means I move on sooner or we move on together in a better frame of mind. He has been very supportive of whatever emotional path I needed to take, and understanding of what I was going through and supportive and upfront about what the reasons for the split are. In time, we both do work on doing our own thing, and do date, maybe nothing serious, but just part of process. In fact, the "breaker" is truly dedicated to NOT getting serious with anyone and if he was, he had truly wished it could be me and he had been ready (though I know this can change, it is part of his way of really addressing his issues and not getting involved until he really IS ready instead of hoping he is). He does hope that at some point maybe he can regain that emotional closeness with me without the problems that were caused by these issues he was dealing with, and when he has grown a little more. He knows the potential is definitely there and that I am absolutely wonderful, but it really was all about "bad timing". He has other friends who he knows have gone through something very similar, and later reunited with their exes and are now very committed to one another - far more than before, and he looks to that. His perspective is very logical - a very engineering mind and about continous improvement: when he is ready, he already had a gold standard for a partner and relationship and would rather build on that, since he knows it would be very hard to find someone who was as wonderful accross the board as I was, says that all he has is very positive memories of me and us, and holds no resentment to me and would not rule me out before giving us another opportunity in the future even with my foibles! It really is about him. So both of us end up still being good friends a year or two later. He has gotten his "ya yas" out, and is tired of being alone/single and is ready as he knew he would be in time (he knows he will get tired of being single in time). It was tough at times, and sure, the two of us have grown and "moved on" and bettered ourselves, but we are still close, get along great and are even both better people for it all. We still share those common interests as well. He is a man of his word and has said that when he is ready (though says it will take a long time) we will go on a date (of course only if I am single) and see how it goes from there. I am curious of other people's experiences - has anyone else done the break, survived it to have a friendship and eventually built a stronger relationship because of it? Can friends remain dateable for both parties? Or heck, has anyone done it not being friends during the middle part? Any tips, or insight. I know for every good story, there are tons of unhappy ones. We both agree that if this does not break us it will make us stronger. I know it seems odd, since it did already "break" us, but love is not always easy, right? I know things can change, but this is what I have to deal with RIGHT now. I am doing my own healing, and while it is hard to do while being friends with him, that friendship is also too important to lose, it was there before, and is there now.

I came upon these forums browsing and did lots of reading - some great support here it seems, and would really appreciate some support myself, or maybe just some ears to listen. Last week, I broke up with my boyfriend, we had been going out for almost 16 months, and things were great, but for the last few months, he had been feeling doubts about being in a relationship. Though he loves me, and has a great time with me, and values that time, and cares about me and all that, he started to feel the pressures of time commitments (work, masters, extra work), emotional commitments (afraid to open uo) and well, some fears (or rather aversions) to commitment (not ready yet to settle down). As he stressed, it really was not me - as he knows I am wonderful and that is why he really did not "want" to do it, and took a while, but eventually he realized he HAD to, because it was going to have to happen eventually as he was just feeling too trapped. Now, I never pushed him into anything or something like that, but I guess he felt that even so, I wanted that - though of course there was a time he was more open to talking of those things too. And I think he felt that since he could not right now see us together from now to forever without a break, he felt it most fair to end it for me and him. He felt obligated I think, though he was not, to see me when he would rather of stayed at home and had some him time (he is very very busy with work, school, etc), and he did not like that since he really just wants the "freedom" to do what he wants right now. Some history on him - he had low self esteem when younger, and has had girlfriends most of his "adulthood". Two broke his heart, and there were a couple "minor" ones in between that he was never very serious about either. 6 or 7 months before me he had broken up with a girl who had cheated on him, though he was so SURE about her - and this has really shaken his confidence I think, as he is someone who always thought when they KNEW anything, they were right (be it in relationships or otherwise). He does not want to be with her anymore, but he has not totally left behind the pain - and he just has not had enough time to resolve those issues and get back to that point where he feels good again. He already knows that this is "not about you, it's me", as much as a line it seems to be, it also seems to be true. He wants to get back to a point where he is ready, so he can be all he knows he should be - he felt he was not totally being fair to me either. Basically, this means he needs to be alone for a while, and single. This he already knows IS going to take time - a year, potentially two, but he knows he WILL get back there again. He wants to be single, and get back to where he is lonely and wants a girlfriend again. He knows this will happen, he just needs time. It is not about him going out and "sleeping" around, he has dealt with that in past, but it is more about him "NOT sleeping around" as in getting confidence to say no, and of course about feeling selfish for a while. He realized that as long as he felt selfish, he could not emotionally commit, and in fact "shut down" to those things. He had started to try and find fault in things where there were none. He has already realized that those things he was working out to be big were really very trivial (and they really were), but he was looking for a way out. We did not have a bad breakup, it was just a very sad one as we both felt bad about it - it felt like one of us was just moving very very far away and we HAD to do it! I know it is hard for him right now too, as he truly does love me, but he is having a hard time allowing himself to be IN love with me. He knows it is going to take some time, and I understand this as well. I have already read about the non-contact rule and all that, though it is very hard in this case, as we are both very active in the mountain biking/road biking communities in my province - racing, team rides, working, etc so that really won't happen. Also, while very very painful, our breakup was in a very strange way amicable (though I really did not want it, I knew I could not force him to stay, and "set him free"). While I know it would be "easier" (relatively speaking) to put that distance between us, the fact is that even at the basis of our relationship, the friendship was very strong. We have talked (and I promise however there has been no begging, pleading, and so on....just mature one to one discussions about things) and also gone out and had a lot of fun - we had a race Monday and spent a lot of time together just having a great time. Today we saw each other for a race again, and while it was "less" fun since we had a long talk since I was about to go to NC and we talked, it was still good for us both - I think we both ended it "happier" about things. As I said, hard to go completely NC, but it is possible in small doses right now between races and all that. The current situation is this. He does love me, he does care a great deal for me, and he does want to be friends, as he does value our time together and genuinely enjoys it. I in return am the same way. He does hope one day, maybe things will work out. He has no intention to be serious with anyone else, or seriously date anyone else until he is SURE he is ready (and I know he will stick to this, he has realized this is a pattern for him and he needs to break out of it, and also he is darn stubborn and wil have to KNOW he is ready). As I said this could take a year or two. When he IS ready - whether we are in contact as good friends or not, we WILL re-evaluate and go on a "date" to see how things go. Now, of course I am not going to be "waiting" though I do think this is a good chance for me to work on myself and be happy being single myself for a long while and work on myself and give me time for my pursuits too. So if I am available, we will go on a date, regardless of whether we are friends at time or not. And he is a man of his word so I know it will happen. I have said if I AM available, we can do that date and see what goes. I am trying to not close myself off to possibilities, though I am trying to make sure I am also okay to move on. Of course, he will also be going on dates, but not seriously dating - again, man of his word and very practical about things so as he said "won't happen". Of course for me, I will date if it comes up, but I am not going to actively search out to do so....I need some me alone time too, I have had some pretty life changing things happen in last couple years, and maybe this is good for me too, whatever happens to him & I in the end. Basically, he KNOWS that I am great, he KNOWS he is risking losing a great woman, but until he feels he can BE ready and have that emotional closeness again without fear, he needs to do this otherwise it would never be able to work in long run. He has said that I have set the bar very high, and it would be very very hard to find any woman who met all those same standards accross the board - I am at the top of the list. He has said I am selfless, and very genuine, very attractive, smart, have a great sense of humour, am very athletic and treated him very well and he knows there is great potential there (which why it made it hard to leave). But he HAS to do this for himself (which I do accept now). He knows that whatever happens will be best - best for him, and best for me whether it means he is ready to be with me with an open heart, or whether it means I can move on sooner. He did not want to do this later when it got harder! He is very upset he had to lost me (I know, I know, so why did he?) but really feels it is best for him, though he does miss me and loves me. He knows what we have there and did have there has great potential, and I set a gold standard, when he is ready, there is no reason why he would NOT want to at least give it a try again - though it IS going to take some time (the year+ thing). So here are my thoughts, and concerns. I know some people do get back together in time - in fact, I know a guy who went through this very thing he is doing (a lot of it is just youth, we are both just nearing 25) and broke up with his gf of 2 years in pursuit of singlehood and non-commitment and 18 months later realized he was stupid and got back together with his ex and they are very serious now (they had stayed in contact). I guess I worry (and though I am not "waiting" for him, I am not going to deny that I would give it another try at some point) that I will end up in that "friends only" category - though he has said that it is not like that. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, in fact he thinks a lot about all the positives and won't forget those, and too, when he is ready who would he rather try again with: "his fun, attractive, smart, talented friend who also like him rides bikes and whom he had a positive experience with before" or someone off the street? And since he will NOT get serious with anyone until he is ready and when he IS ready, he wants to try it out with me, at least I get "first dibs" if I want them..lol. And he has confided that exes are never really "ruled out" unless there was something terrible there (he is in contact with exes, and is best friends with one great girl). I of course am going to work on healing myself and enjoying my own single life, but I cannot deny that I would not want that to someday happen, not how I feel about him. Strangely enough, while the first few days were tough, I feel at peace now being friends with him. I do still hope that someday things work out, but weirdly enough, knowing that he is NOT going to even think about a relationship for at LEAST a year, is strangely comforting for me too - not because it means I don't worry about other girls, but because it means that I can relax since there is nothing I can do right now about it anyway! In the meantime, I guess friends it will be, unless I cannot take it anymore, but he is worth enough to me to want to be friends. Sure, if it never ended up being more that will hurt too, but I know I will be okay whatever happens. He has already said he would never rule me out, for the reasons above - he really does need to return to that point where he wants to be in a relationhsip again, as he knows he will, before he thinks about anything like that. I think he really wants to pursue some things selfishly, and that the timing for us was just really off - though we do both know there is something good there and strong there. We both agree, if it does not break us, it will make us stronger, and we will either move on separate, or move on together but either way will be what was meant to be. So....obviously I will be working on taking care of myself right now and pursuing my own life separate from him, but any ideas on how to keep the friendship strong, and still keep myself in the running for future consideration without being stuck in "friends only" so not even considered later on? I know enough to "move on" but when something is also wonderful, and you know CAN be wonderful, and you truly do care about person, there was nothing actually wrong between you two (well, other than fact he was resistant to opening his heart totally up to it due to reasons I said) you also want to keep some options open for later, especially when he agrees with these things There are lots of fish out there I know, and I know I am a great person, however, when there is someone special, you don't want to close the door entirely. Alright this is long, I appreciate those who made it this far. If you have any more questions, please ask.