RayKay

Well I do know happiness comes from within, and that is why HE left as he was not there (insecurities, etc). I just wonder if when they do find that happiness, they realize what they had was great after all...because if they were unhappy inside, they were not going to be happy with what they have. Sometimes though reflection lets one see that they really did not appreciate it at the time. Trust me, I DO know about long term relationships and personal happiness, and being complete before being there for another.

Well, if you want to stay NC right now - put her mail in an envelope, and phone a courier. You can put a small note in there saying that you have also included the change of address form - be polite and friendly, but then leave it at that.

I mean really? Do our exes really find that they are happier in other pastures (with others or being single)? I guess it depends on why the relationship ended so I will not talk of those that were abusive, or heated, or were having serious problems. But what if the relationship was quite good, the chemistry was great and had always been, the friendship and physical connections great (and still were to end/after). And this was even said by the exiting partner! What if just the one partner was feeling a bit pressured being in a relationship, stressed about their lives and also immature to a degree. Do they really find that the grass over the fence was that much lusher or greener? Even if it weren't, are they determined to dredge through the sludge just to prove their point and convince themselves that it is really what they wanted?

Sorry about your kitty I just found out tonight I have to give my cat a way within the next couple days, as the apartment people found out about her (and there are almost zilch places here that let you have pets, though they do less damage and are quieter than the kid accross the hall). I am going to send her to my parents place for a while, though she will hate it as they have two other cats and mine hates others. Honestly, when I found out, all I wanted to do too was call my ex as he knows I love her, and he may even take her in.....but I can't. I'll tell him about it when he calls me this week sometime after his trip..but I can't start it. And also, I really wish he was around to give me a hug, as she is my buddy - been with me 9 years which is longer than any boyfriend!

For most things in my life - YES. Or at the very least close. For this one right now with my relationship with my ex - I am GETTING there, and I will be there. It is still pretty fresh & confusing, so I don't expect to be there overnight Having faith and confidence (positive thinking) is something that holds true in all aspects of your life. When you falter (which I do) just have to regain sight of the long term and strive on. I find that it is better to keep an eye on the long term goal then all the little downsides in the meantime (and trust me, this past couple days has been a tough time for me!). Remember, it's all a journey.

What we work up in our minds to have happen, usually IS what happens. If you fear losing your former-ex when you reconcile...you BET it is very likely it will happen again. Why? Because what we fear in our mind, comes true in our actions, and our partners will read that and respond to it. If you fear losing them again, and don't trust them, they WILL feel that and you are not giving yourself to the relationship. Confidence and faith are what leads to happiness. You are starting over again fresh, and you have to remember that. Most of the time, it will not be worse - unless you LET it be worse. If you are feeling still betrayed before you even get together again, then YOU are not ready again, and you are failing yourself and the future relationship. Part of living is forgiveness, and accepting that your ex did not "BETRAY" you, they went with their feelings, or those feelings that were stronger at the time. This does not make them bad people. I hold no anger to my ex for leaving. I am hurt, and I know he could of done many things different, and that is angering. His actions I can be angry at, not him, and he felt so strongly that he had to leave, that I cannot tell him different. Why might they not do it again? Because you should of BOTH grown, learned what went wrong, made changes within yourselves to improve together. You are entering a NEW relationship, not the one that was there before.

I just went into my desk and put on a rubber band too. Sheesh. I have been in NC for 6 days now, though it was because he was out of town so it made it "easier" - yeah right, all it meant was I was only worrying about him 2000 km away, instead of 2 blocks! Last saw him Wednesday evening and had a great time (was not emotional, no worries!) and I am fairly positive he will contact me tomorrow or Wednesday after he gets back via email or phone, but I have been VERY strong in not even calling his cell to leave a message wishing him good luck or something, or seeing how it went. I am worried he has not missed me HALF as much as I missed him, but he has been able to keep busy and be around loads of people so who knows - though from these boards I can see guys do feel a lot too! Next Sunday he and I leave for our vacation together mountain biking...sigh, getting so nervous!

Ooh nice analogy skynet! I like that one. Well, I am on Day 5 of forced contact due to travelling reasons (for him) and it is torturous. I am pretty certain he will either contact me tomorrow or Wednesday to tell me how it went, and also as we are organizng a race on Wednesday. I only hope it was half as hard for him as was for me (he would of been really busy though, and I am pretty sure sometimes he is able to not think about things if he is really busy anyway!). And today also means only 6 more days until our trip together. Getting really nervous now.

I don't have much advice, but I just wanted to say I know EXACTLY how you feel right now. I last saw my ex on Wednesday evening, when we went to a race together and we had a really fun time talking and laughing. He even made some advances to kiss me - not surprising as I was playing it cool We talked about our upcoming trip (6 days until we go!). When we are together, it is like we are together, and it is wonderful. Even in between he will email me sometimes and chat. However, that night he left for a trip a couple provinces away for a big biking event with a friend, and the last couple days have been rough. It has been the longest EITHER of us have ever gone without talking to one another since we met, and I am driving myself nuts wondering what he is up to for some reason, and wondering if he misses me AT ALL. A couple days before he left he did say he loves me, and that he misses me, and that this is not about finding someone else at all, but now that I don't talk to him for a few days, I end up thinking too much. Worrying that things have changed for him since he left, that he decided he did not miss me at all, and so on. Who knows. I will let him contact me first, but I tell you it is driving me crazy, and I wonder if it is even half as hard for him sometimes. I know he is good at bottling up his emotions, but I sometimes wonder if he will ever unbottle them. At the same time, I am hoping the space will have given him more time to think, but then I also know he will of been busy (and maybe too busy ) to think of me at all anyway. I have not contacted him at all, and as I said, he can call/email me first when he gets back. But I only wish it was as hard for him as it was for me this past couple days.

Maybe it was a gift for someone and he thought about it. Maybe he told someone he would pick it up for them (I have done this before for some logistical and financial reasons). Maybe he already realized he COULD not afford it and that is why he took it back (sometimes we make spur-of-the-moment purchases and think twice afterwards). If he returned it, he was not really lying since he is credited for it, and it won't show up on his bill until the next month. In this case, I would not do anything. He took it back, and maybe it was because he thought twice about it and realized he could not afford it for whatever reason.

Whew..okay take a deep breath! Now - the FW, was it just a generic forward, or an actual email? Sometimes we just forward to a mess of people and pay not much attention to who it is to? And, you kept in touch (or tried to) with your ex, so maybe he is doing same? P.S. Why did you regret breaking up with him?

Just a curiosity question, as I have seen some posts last few days in response to others from dumpers who did have some regrets at some point and knew a couple too. Why the dump in the first place? When did you regret & WHY did you regret? What did you do about it, if anything at all?

The first two couples DID date others (as in both partners did date others) in the meantime. I am not sure how quickly afterwards, but there was a couple short term relationships involved (for a couple-6 months etc) as well as casual dating. The last relationship the break was only a couple months, and I am not sure if she dated anyone else, but I know he did not.-

Hey Belle, well, a lot of us do have pride - even us dumpees! And it is true, that my ex is also the stubbornest of the stubborn and has backed himself in a box now where even if he does want to be with me, he cant for one year as it would be "going back on his word". I don't - HONESTLY - don't think they think of it as settling if they go back. Most people don't want to settle either! I think the time apart gives them the time to see the grass is NOT greener as you put it, and to realize their feelings better. People fall for those that they become emotionally dependent on SUBconsciousLY....if they feel they need to return their love too soon/commitment, they run away. Sometimes, the time apart without the pressure of the relationship/commitment lets the true feelings be more apparent and that is why they come back - not because they are settling, but because they can see the truth. So as the dumpee, what can you do? Well, you have to foster that emotional attachment without demands, without looking like you are, and remain aloof and independent too - as you put it like you don't care, but you DO have to also show them (not tell them) through actions you DO care about them for who they are. You are right, there is no need to rush. And one has to decide what they want - to go through some difficult times to get their ex back, or move on to something easier? Depends on how you feel. Don't chase just to chase! Keep in mind too, that love grows over time, we should not expect it to be instant, and returned right away. The best loves are those that grow through good and bad times.

Fantasia In all cases the guy just felt pressured in the relationship, and started thereforeeee looking for problems where there were none, and starting to believe the other person might not be the one, and that while they loved them, were not in love with them. In one case, they met in university, and dated for 2 years. They were broken up for 1.5 years. Both dated other people in the meantime, but kept in contact and saw each other sometimes. The guy one day literally realized how stupid he was, how being single was really not what he wanted after all. They started going on some dates and recently bought a house together. The next couple dated for about 1 year, and he realized he did not want a relationship. They kept in light contact, and got together about 7 months or so later and got back together. He too realized he loved her. They are now married. The last couple, they dated for 2 years. He felt pressured, stressed and the easiest thing to blame and let go of was the relationship. He would phone or email her sometimes, and she always responded. It took him two months to realize all paths led to her and she was what he really wanted. They are now married 21+ years.

I don't have a personal success story...YET. But I do know three couples in my life who have split up (though each time it was the guy who needed the break/was not ready/needed to be single) and they all got back together within 18 months (one after 2 months). All broke up after 1-2 years together, in their mid-20's. One couple just bought a house together (been back together 1.5 years), one couple married a couple years ago, and one couple has been married 21 years now. All remained in some contact during split - some were pretty limited, some was as friends. In all, the guy realizd how stupid he was for leaving in the first place. Strangely enough, my own ex looks to these stories as inspiration for our situation too - they were also part of the reason he felt he should "break up" as he could see sometimes it is for best, whatever happens down the road.

Yes, and then they can transmit it to someone else. And it goes on and on.

There are many STDs with various consequences. Some when transmitted to a woman (and go undetected) can lead to infertility (chlamydia for example, as often it goes undetected), HPV (Human Pappiloma Virus (sp?) ) is a potential precursor to cervical cancer. So, they CAN lead to death. Some have no permament cure (Herpes, genital warts) and can reappear time after time. They can be painful, uncomfortable, and just plain unattractive - if you want to see pictures, I am sure you can look in a medical dictionary or do a search. I just did a search and found some rather disturbing pics, so go ahead. Warts get transmitted through skin to skin contact (even if there are not warts present at time). You can get them removed, but the contagion stays with you, and can still be transmitted and reoccur. Herpes is most contagious during an outbreak, but since some people have mild outbreaks that may not even be apparent, you can never be totally sure.

I think if you were in the wrong, it would not hurt to apologize, while being the fun guy you are - and you are right, don't talk about the relationship. It is up to HER to bring it up now, and when you respond, be cool & collected. Good luck. And, we have the same birthday! I am just turning 25 though

Every situation is different, no matter how many times you say it is not. My ex and I do not sit around talking about others...we respect one another enough NOT to do that. Asides from that, his feelings for me ARE still there, he does love me, but he does need some time to figure out what he wants. Why must everyone pretend we always know exactly what we want? We have heard on here from dumpers who did at some point regret their decision, no matter how sure they were at the time. Do you ever make decisions that later you wonder if you did the right thing? We all have right to change minds. Why must we be so presumptous to immediately assume our exes are jerks and thereforeeee cut contact? If you CAN HEAL AND STILL BE IN CONTACT WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? You can still love a person, still support what they feel they need to do, without agreeing with the consequences of it. It is called unconditional love. It is NOT a delusion if it is genuine. GENUINE. My ex and I do not get together occasionally to have sex. He and I GENUINELY enjoy spending time together. Why? Because we are friends. Friendship is the base of any great relationship, and why should you throw away the friendship too? Do I have hope? Yes, but it is more like faith. And this is not delusional. He ALSO has hope. We both know where we went wrong, and where we have to change some things, and until those are done, we cannot be in a relationship with one another (and he with anyone else for that matter). You know, while I don't like the fact we had to breakup, I CAN see how it has improved many things in our relationship, and how it WAS something that had to happen in order to move on, or to grow stronger together. Besides, why are you worried about making it easy for the ex to move on - all I hear is about how NO CONTACT is not about that anyway. Besides, if you ARE concerned about whether the ex will come back or not, depending on their issues/reasons for b/up, they are more likely to come back to someone who meets their emotional needs without being clingy or weak. Sure, no contact is best if the ONLY WAY you can imagine them in your lives is with you RIGHT now and AS YOUR PARTNER. But there are other ways for people to be in our lives, other forms of relationships. I am not going to be so selfish to say my ex MUST be with me in the EXACT way I want him NOW. He is simply not ready, he has some growing up to do. I am not going to BLAME him for that, and cut off all contact. What does that accomplish? I lose my partner and my friend. My friendship with him, and his with mine, is not based on "hope" and motives, it is genuine, we do love one another, just can't be together right now, but it CAN happen and we are open to that too. And if we just end up being friends for life, than so be it. He does not control my future, and my emotions, just as I don't control his. Having said that, it is also possible for breaks to make people stronger together - I have seen it too many times. And every time I have seen people get back together - they kept in contact during the break because both were emotionally strong enough to do it. They lived their own lives yes, but sometimes seeing what one is missing, and seeing them from outside the relationship, is what motivates one to come back. No contact is GREAT if you are in a lot of pain, if your ex is causing you more pain, if you break down and beg, cry, plead everytime you are around them. Otherwise, it is NOT MANDATORY. There is nothing in life that says you MUST do one thing and not another. Free will.

Thank you Scout, and I agree full-heartedly that sometimes you really should not hang on. There are cases where the ex is definitely leading the other on, or is causing too much pain & hurt (either on purpose, or not!), and that it is definitely better to cease contact for at least some time. There is really no "catch-all" path for one to take, and what is right for one person, or one relationship, cannot apply to another. We each must do what is right for ourselves as well as being respectful of our ex in the process. I am confident in my path. I am also confident that I have a future with my ex be it in friendship or in a loving long term relationship again. While I still hope for the latter and am fairly confident of it ONE day, I am learning to be accepting of the former too. And I know that he is feeling the same way. Only time will really tell for us both.

That is not entirely true, it all depends on your approach. If you see the situation as them being cruel and mean to you, and not understanding, and only look at if from your eyes, than yes, you probably WON'T be in control of your emotions right away. However, if you can be empathetic to their feelings (and of course this GREATLY depends on the reasons for the breakup) and be supportive of their decision despite what it does to YOU, then it is possible to be in control of how you DISPLAY your emotions. On your own, you can still cry and be sad, rant, rave, whatever - but that does not mean around them you are pleading, begging for them to come back. From the instant I knew my ex was breaking up with me I NEVER pleaded or begged. We talked, a LOT, but I did my best to never make him feel manipulated back into something. In fact, while we were breaking up, we spent about 5-6 hours talking about everything and just enjoying - he told me he gained a lot of respect for me that night, and had a hard time leaving. I did not have an easy time - there are a couple times I have "talked about the relationship" or more specifically about my feelings as I wanted to just walk away entirely, but I have done my best to pick up and forget the episode, and he has too. I don't tell him how I have changed and so on. We communicate very well now that the pressure is off as well. We are friends, and genuinely enjoy the company - because I am not making him feel guilty or bad, and he is not associating being with me as being negative and stressful. We have fun together, are even taking a trip at end of the month alone for five days. It is still hard I admit, as he is "free" to do whatever he wants, BUT, no contact would not have worked for either of us here. The break up was not bad, we have no negative feelings towards the other, we are both aware of how great things could be again between us, and how they should be and are open to trying one day. But there are some personal issues to resolve first. You CAN do contact, but it does take control.

Oh Trueheart, I am soooo sorry to hear this I have been following your story and was hoping for you. Wasn't Jenna the one who was not going to "give it up"? I wonder if she is using sex now as a strategy (not a good one in the long run however). If he does contact you again, I wonder what his "story" will be. Be strong, hate him and let him be. I bet he will come crawling back one day (from the sounds of Jenna from previous posts, she is a bit manipulative and one can only take that for so long) and tough, you will have moved on and be much happier. Now I am sad too and nervous about my own situation!

That is a bit of a tricky situation, because (obviously) she has not moved on yet either..and nor is she letting herself. The thing is, her ex is married, and so she really HAS to treat it like it is over, regardless of what he says. He is MARRIED. I would say be her friend, but also keep your distance. She does need time, but she needs time to also be alone and figure things out. If you are there too much, it is preventing her from moving on from her ex too. Don't talk about yours and her relationship together...she has already said she hates it, don't do it - it will only push her away. Associate yourself with positive moments, with her feeling GOOD. No need to rush anything - several months I know seems like a long time right now (I am in a similar situation in terms of the "time" I face) but if it is worth it, you can wait - patience! She DOES have to get over him. But she will need to cut contact with him to do that because all he is doing is "leading her on" and preventing her from living her life and finding happiness. She needs to figure this out on her own though - don't push her to stop talking to him! The guy is married, and has no right to make her feel guilty for getting involved with someone else.

I think the worst consolation I hear on here, or anywhere else, is "you will find someone else". It makes it sound like we are not in touch with our own feelings, or that we are just poor souls wandering the earth for anybody..ANYbody to bless us with their presense. After all, the relationship "failed", so why bother? In some cases it is true. If your ex was abusive, a cheater, lied, if the chemistry was not there, you WILL find someone better. If you are very young, you will also probably find a deeper love in your lifetime - I loved when I was young too, but the depths and the unconditionality of my love came with age, as I know myself better, and have grown emotionally. I have had relationships where I cared for the person, maybe even loved them to some degree, but moved on and knew that there was more out there for me, someone better suited. But, what of us who have met and been with that person who touched our heart in a way that we cannot even really explain. What if we have met our "lifetime soulmate" (as opposed to contractual soulmates, who come into our lives briefly only to teach us a lesson and are then gone). This is something you just know, but sometimes, OFTEN times, one or both of the persons in these relationships are not ready. Why when one partner needs space, time, are we so quick to call it a failed relationship? It is not failed. People, and relationships go through flux and growth. If there were no doubts, I would be concerned they were not taking things seriously! It does NOT mean it is over forever if you proceed correctly and muster a LOT of patience. I am not saying we should all be waiting around and not moving on at all! You do have to move on to a degree in order to get back together, but at the same time, don't lock the door! Only you know your relationship in your heart, and whether it is worth pursuing or not. But if your ex (or you) left for reasons such as needing to be single, or to find themselves, figure out what they want, why turn angry or bitter? Why say that they made their choice, they lost me. You cannot leave it entirely to fate "if it is meant to be, it will be" and expect them to show up at your door one day changed and ready (though it CAN happen). You need to look at YOUR mistakes too, your actions. My ex and I broke up for reasons of him needing time to be single, needing space. In reflection, while I know this is also true - he is not ready to commit really right now and wants to be free....I also see how I made mistakes. His previous ex had cheated on him, and hurt him. He had a hard time trusting. I tried so hard to make him feel comfortable, know I would not stray, that he took me for granted in time, that he would never lose me. Not much of a challenge is that? There are some other minor things like that too, that I know contributed to the end, on both our parts Fact is, I also know he is open to being with me again, and it is not a matter of leading me on - we genuinely love one another, but we are in different places right now. We still have a great time together and enjoy each others company greatly. The chemistry, attraction are mutual. At his apartment, he still has my picture on display, still has my artwork up, still has my silly pictures I drew on fridge, and other small, but meaningful things around that were part of us. So we are in flux right now. We both need to move on to move towards one another again. I am hurt, but not angry. I support him needing to work on his inner self. But I am not going to give up, cut all contact, and run away hoping either he comes back one day, or go and find someone else. Sure, relationships are replaceable...people are NOT. In your other relationships, you would not go out and replace them - if your bond is true with your ex, why replace them so easily? It does mean you will have to be strong, secure, handle the downs as well as the ups, but if you listen to your heart, you will know what you should do. There are a few people on here who give great advice, and insight, into how you should approach "getting your ex back" if you so choose. The best relationships are not always the easiest to get going. But once they do get going, they can be the most rewarding and the easiest to maintain. I have seen this happen in the lives of friends. Some of us on here may seem stubborn, or ignorant to others, because we are not "moving on" and dealing with reality. But only WE know our reality. There are some cases where people do have to forget and move on, but it is not the same for everyone. Or we would not be here talking about it all!