RayKay

Maybe let her know briefly you have moved - but don't be too specific on WHERE - that will open it up for her to ASK, then it cannot really "freak her out" since she had asked...if that makes sense? If she does ask about it, maybe indicate that you have realized that you needed to make some changes, and that one was appropriate. Don't tell her you did it because of her (subconscious or not!) of course, but it might show her you are changing. She might ask why you did not do it when she asked you too, but explain that at the time you felt pressured to do so, and not ready - but that you see things differently now. Good luck

I am very glad that approach worked for you, and I really hope it works for you in the long run. I too am not really in no contact for a few reasons I won't really expound on too much here, but I do have hope for something together in the future, and there are times that limited contact is more appropriate (which is my case), and where friendship can be the best route back together as well (such as in my case). I too am in that "if it does not break us, it will make us stronger" scenario...lol. I think this is marvellous news, I would recommend you two DO go slow, communicate with one another and.....try going to joint counselling sessions together, they might be able to give some more insight, and help you have a plan of action. Counselling is also not just for people who are having huge problems...sometimes it can be a preventative measure too Best of luck, and please let us know how things are going at some point!

Wow, that is a long time to be in a long distance relationship! I know some people do it for years, but it can be very very hard. I am going to say that you have some big decisions to make: 1) You look for a position in Colorado - but then is that really fair to you? Would you resent her for that? 2) You leave the relationship...which I know can be very tough, but if you feel that you cannot do this forever maybe you feel you need to even if you don't want to. It could also make her realize her true feelings for you and it does not mean it has to be over forever. Don't get me wrong, if you are happy together than you should work things out, but it sounds like she is pretty stubborn? 3) You let it carry on as it has been Other than the fact that it is a great state, has she ever expressed WHY she seems so unwilling to compromise even for a couple years? That would be an adventure after all! Perhaps she likes the way it is right now, and perhaps she knows she has some control? Are there too many ties for her in Colorado she feels she cannot leave for a couple years? I am just curious as it seemed you were willing to find a solution, but she is unbending in her resolve to stay. A relationship is a partnership, and a LDR requires a great amount of communication and compromise....that means for her too! Whatever you do....follow your inner guidance, your heart. If you listen closely, it will help you make a decision.

Let's see, in 15 hours I will be hopping into the truck with my ex for a 8-9 hour drive through almost the middle of nowhere to another a city for the weekend, as our team is organizing a mtn bike race on Sunday and he is in charge of it, but wanted me to come up and help as well to race and just have fun together. When we get in Friday, we'll go out partying, Saturday setting up the course, going to the carnival that is happening up there right now, as well as to a concert at night. Sunday of course is the race which we are putting on and racing in...and I'll take the bus back overnight on Sunday as he has to stay up a couple more days for work. I am sure we will have a great time, as we have everytime we have seen together since we broke up. We will laugh and entertain one another on the drive, and have a fantastic time going out and living it up and just as great times talking and spending time just the two of us. I will not talk about us, the break up, the status of the relationship (unless he brings it up...he kind of did last night so we talked a bit, but I was not emotional or anything!). I will have fun (these are all positive reaffirmations for me by the way!). I will live in the moment, and not worry about the tomorrow or the future, and will cherish it for what it is -a great weekend with a very close friend. I know when I get home from the weekend if all goes well I will be on a high for a little while, and then wonder again why things are so strange right now....when all feels so right and awesome between us. And I will be sad for a while, but then I will remember again I am strong, and patient, and I will feel my faith again that everything will work out and I will be okay no matter what happens - I am not sure where that peace comes from, but sometimes it just washes over me, and it is a great relief - a break from the thinking, just a knowledge it is all going to be okay. And I will know inside my heart I still love him - even if I am not "with" him. Wish me luck! I hope everyone else here has a great weekend - growing stronger everyday, and facing the next with anticipation.

I am going to guess that the 16 year old is pretty less than 100% sure! No chance is missed, but they STILL need time to grow. They can do that together...but no reason to get married to do it. I think too many people have an idyllic vision of marriage and what it is about...I believe in it, but I believe it is more than a romantic ending and a fancy wedding and a lifelong honeymoon!

In addition to all the ab exercises etc recommended you could also add some longer bike rides on weekends - or join a club for weekly group rides (those will get you going). By longer, I mean increasing your mileage over time. Make a goal of riding a MS150 or century (100 miles solo of with others). You will be lean and mean if you keep at it! I am a avid road and mtb cyclist (and I also do power yoga, xc skiing, some swimming), and seriously, can eat pretty much anything (though I DO choose to eat healthy and always have unless I have just done a major race) since I am logging in anywhere from 200-400 on average kilometres/week depending on how much I am doing offroad or on road. For bike riding, depending on your weight and if you are on road or mtn biking, you can burn about 350-600 approx calories/hour. On some days, I am in such serious deficit from burning just thousands and no matter how I try I cannot make it up! As a reward for losing the gut...buy yourself a nice new roadbike or mtb! Running of course is also very good for burning that gut if you have less time, though it can be harder on joints if you are not careful. I just like riding so much more...running is too "slow" and not scenic enough for me..lol. Spot reduction does not work, so it is really an all over thing - don't ignore cardio or strength and keep a healthy diet. Low fat choices, but DO keep some fat as it is important.

Uh...don't get married. No offense, but at 18/16 neither of you is truly ready for the real responsibilities of marriage. It is NOT a lifelong honeymoon, or a guarantee of security, or a way to be "happy forever". Marriage takes commitment even when the last thing you feel like doing is working on it and committing. If you get married now...one or both of you will be missing out on chance to develop yourselves, your relationship and to mature as two complete & independent people and this will cause deep problems later on. Marriage and lifelong commitment (which is what marriage SHOULD be) takes a lot of maturity, respect, and friendship - it is about more than "love" alone. By your post...I am going to say you have farther to go until you are there.

It is NOT just girls that do this (many of the girls on here have had men leave for very very similar reasons) and they DON't ALWAYS do it either (I sure don't)!!!

Very good advice guesswho! I am going to send you a PM.

I am going to guess you already laid it all out for him before. I think you have shown him you cared also by being there for him through all this with his most recent ex. I worry the same things sometimes with my ex, we are in close contact, but I also try to stay somewhat emotionally distant. But you know, he knows I care - I told him it all when we broke up, he has all my cards, letters from our time together, I show him I care by being his friend right now. He knows you care. He has to figure out how much HE cares. Does that make sense? Let him come to you now. If he really cares...he will.

I know what you mean! I woke up this morning feeling awesome, with tons of faith...now I am sinking back down again as I am missing him like crazy and my heart is just stabbing with loss. He emailed me again this morning (though there was no need really, as we will have to see each other tonight for a Time Trial) and I sent him something short back....we are spending the weekend away together (including an 8 hour drive on Friday) and he said he was "glad I was coming and it was going to be a fun weekend". And I am cast back into confusion. I don't think he contacts me because he feels guilty - but because he does not know his own feelings anymore, and maybe has regrets and is starting to mabe realize that he does feel a lot more loss than he thought he would, but since he is too stubborn to come back, he reaches out instead to me for at least some connection. I think he is emotionally attached/dependent, but is too afraid to admit it. Too afraid to seem weak to others. Too scared of doing this all over again. It is so tough, everything is marvellous when we are together, my heart is so full and happy, and now I sit here wondering. I know the weekend will be great fun, and I am excited...but I know after I will be once again confused, wishing he would let down his ridiculous barriers again and just jump back in ready and willing and leaving me feeling high one hour with hope, and like dying the next!

Well, I took french immmersion, but have been out of it for...oh, 7 years now with little opportunity to speak it anymore! I really hope it works out for you, I know it is rough. Ironically, I see my ex a lot and I feel just as torn as you do sometimes. I am seeing him twice this week, PLUS going away for the weekend for a race with him (including an 8 hour drive on Friday) and he told me he is really "glad I am coming, it will be fun" It is just as confusing sometimes! Hard to distance yourself in that case, and while we are "just friends" you can't ignore the connection we have together, and neither can he. We have been emailing today a few times - he started it! And everytime I email back with something light and funny/casual and something it did not need a response to, he responded to it...so I kept going. But then at same time I know this does not let him MISS me which is what he really needs to do. This week I don't know, it is just felt like something has changed, and I cannot put my finger quite on it. It feels like we are coming together somehow, but at same time that scares me as I don't want him to feel pressured again and run away again...it is the pressure of a relationship right now he is trying to get away from, and so I am trying to keep it away, but hard when he keeps contacting ME and moving towards ME. I feel pressured about the pressure! If things stay like this, until our trip in July for 6 days mtn biking, I am going to tell him after I need some time to think to myself for a bit..and leave him with lots of positive memories, and fun times, and let him miss me. Until then, I have 6 weeks of time to make those good positive times! Sorry to hijack your thread. He will contact you in time, who knows if it will be when he is back...but he will.

En the bon temps, ton nomme va changer au "joyeux". I apologize for my horrible french, but maybe it made you smile a bit I don't know what will happen between you and him, but I CAN tell you you do deserve better than that...he is being very immature for not even talking to you about it all.

Hmmm, well, maybe she did not tell you as she did not want to hurt you, and maybe because she truly felt ashamed about it. She may have slept with someone else to feel "worthy" again, and try and get that emotional connection she felt was lacking with you prior to the breakup. To be honest, while I know you feel like you cannot "trust" her, she did do it outside of the relationship and while she lied about it, I think she may have had her reasons as I explained it above. Sometimes...we do things like that to protect the ones we love. I would talk to her, explained CALMY why you feel hurt, and try and find out why she did it. Can you trust her? I think you can, and should - she did not do this while she was with you, correct? You both have to rebuild your trust with each other...she may be feeling pretty low right now too. Good luck.

Thanks, totally forgot I had wrote this! And usually that is just what I do too, in the past...but this time, it just feels different...yes he "wants his cake", but I honestly don't think he wants to "eat it too"..lol. I don't know, my heart just feels different this time around for some reason, and I don't think I am a safety, or something to fall back on...I know he respects me more than that, and I just see it when he does let his guard down sometimes. Sometimes he catches himself right away and puts it right back up - but I can usually catch a glimpse of what is going on, and sometimes he lets it down for a good period of time without even knowing it. I am definitely having a great time, and really looking forward to the weekend. I am definitely just enjoying each time as that - time together. Not worrying about the next day or what it means for the future or any of that. I too think I will know soon enough what is really going on. I am thinking that between now, and our big trip in July, I will keep the friendship strong as it has been, build the positive memories, have a great time on the trip (hopefully!) and enjoy the precious time we do have together. After the trip...I MAY bring up the idea that I need some time & space to clear my head and think things over. If the trip is great, that might throw him for a loop to say the least, and if we have built on the friendship to that point, and built on us, it should leave him with a lot to think about. I do think he was scared of his feelings...more so, I think he was scared of letting them get too deep and what that would mean for him. Honestly, I think maybe this has given us both some perspective, as he has dropped his walls when the pressure was off and it just feels better for both of us in that sense. Anyway, thank you. I will of course let everyone know how it turns out in the end..with updates and occasional rants along the way

Sorry to hear this....well, at least you showed it COULD work....but obviously eventually you have to stop pulling. It is really unfortunate though it ended this way, but at least you can say you tried. I am trying to do right now similar to what you did (the first time!) - keeping in contact, building a strong friendship (in retrospect I think we rushed into relationship) showing him he can trust in me and my love, but being careful to NOT push him away and keeping my emotions a lot more closed up (though I know he knows how I feel as I still demonstrate it in other ways, and I layed it all out on the table when we broke up - though not begging or anything!) - while I spend lots of time with him, I let him INITIATE contact right now - it seems to make him feel more comfortable I broke up with my ex almost a month ago now....and we are definitely not in "no contact"...it is a very strange situation right now, in fact we see each other more now than I think we ever did before and have a fantastic time now that there is "no pressure" of a relationship - go figure, sure it is ridiculous, but really, at the same time, it is awesome and we have a great time together (even will be spending weekend away this weekend for a mtn bike race out of town, and planning a trip in July). He admits to me he is stupid for being this way - because when we are together it is fantastic and like things are as always (even better!) but then...confusion since I don't really know what he is thinking! Honestly, you came back at right time for me, because I just hear over and over how I should go no contact...but this situation just feels so different - I know he is not using me, or anything like that, and I know he is scared of losing me not for a backup, but for me as a person. He is a very very confused boy right now, but it seems as long as he does not feel pressure right now to commit, all is wonderful (he told a friend if it was like this before we never would of broken up...gack!). I can see how no contact works for some people...but I really think it varies from relationship to relationship. In mine, the love is still there, the care for one another, the humour/laughter, he is adamant it is not me and has no negative/bad thoughts about me or us and can only remember positive, the affection/attraction. It is confusing....but right now, I don't think no contact is the way to go. Who knows. Good luck to you Dan....again, sorry to hear about this...take care of yourself.

Scout - I have been in that position too a few times (though I am not dating now, so it has been a couple years!). I have usually just said I am just not ready in the past, or that I needed time to heal from recent events. I have had a couple guys who were starting to become friends in get really ticked off and still won't talk to me as they thought I was leading them on (though I wasn't intending too, things were miscontrued), but others understood and I still talk to them on occasion. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Let him know that you just need this time to yourself right now, and maybe you could handle a friendship but you are just trying to make it on your own two feet right now. Best of luck

Ouch. Well, in that case I guess you were right in your gut feelings. I am sorry to hear that for you...but on the flipside, it shows some of us another story of exes getting back together. I know that is of no consolation to you right now, and I really am sorry for you. Stay strong, heal yourself, grow, and someone much more deserving of your love will enter your life, I am sure.

Anyway you can take her out for a nice fun evening - just the two of you - before the weekend? Might get her thinking, and leave your impression on her mind over the weekend. Some subversive maneuvers

If he is using ProActiv though, using the Clearasil stuff could be overdose and not good in terms of reactions. There are so many shades of regular makeup that you can find to match your skin tone better. Talk to the makeup counter person...they can show you how to appropriately blend it into your skin and what tone to purchase as well. Don't be shy about it, they are used to that sort of thing! Get an oil free, hypoallergenic type, practice blending, and you'll be fine.

Sometimes it takes longer for the "breaker" to get to those feelings..though if the relationship was meaningful, they will. The difference is they can live in the "confidence" of their decision and believe they did the "right thing" which can mask those emotions longer. They have spent time convincing themselves breaking it off was the right thing to do, and it takes longer for the true emotions to overcome that. Give it time, take care of yourself. He will start to reflect in his own time.

While sometimes the "I need space" thing can be just an excuse, there are other times when they really do need space for their own feelings. It is not about physical space/boundaries - but about a need for emotional space brought on by fear and immaturity. Sometimes when the stakes get too high, people run in order to protect themselves. As my ex said when I asked him what he was more afraid of "seeing me everyday for the rest of his life, or never seeing me again?" he said when he was with me it was seeing me everyday and failing at the relationship, now it is never seeing me again and it seems that once the pressure is off, we have a great time and all is "good". So he is very confused about his feelings, I accept that...and who knows what will happen. I don't know your ex, so only you have an idea which one it could be. Let him go, give him the space he needs, and move on. But don't close doors, you never know what can happen down the road. It sounds to me like he was not ready for a relationship though, he should of been proud to be with you, whatever his friends said! Good luck, and come here...people are very supportive, and it helps to know you are not alone

Hmm...well, by the sounds of it I think you have the right to be suspicious. At best, she is definitely flirting with him, and opening the door for more by inviting him to step up if the "opportunity presents itself". He not even feeling comfortable talking on the phone to him if you are around is a very big "no feeling". I don't have much advice on what to do other than talk to her...but honestly, I think there is definitely reason to be suspicious. While she may not have had any physical infidelity, she IS commiting emotional infidelity be encouraging him to pursue her, etc. I hope someone else can help you out some more, because I am afraid all I have is negative feelings from this situation - just the fact she cannot talk to him around you, and dismisses you as being "posessive" rather than addressing your concerns maturely is a little unnerving

Okay..quick summary - ex and I broke up almost a month ago, he stated current aversions to commitment, need to be single before settling etc. Nothing wrong with me, open to a future relationship with me but needs time and cannot of course guarantee anything, wants to maintain a friendship and hopes to regain emotional closeness with me again when he is ready without the stupid fighting (we were having last while in relationship due to pressure). He figures he needs at least a year of being single as he has never been so and will not get into a serious relationship before then. He had a very hard time breaking it off, but feels like it was best for him, and me at the time as he was not treating me as he felt he should be since he was not totally into being in a relationship. I know he has been hurt before too, and has a hard time trusting his own heart right now. Okay, so obviously I was very heartbroken, I love him dearly and gave so much to us, and he had told me so many things that promised a future...but then he just was not ready and started to try and find ways out. But I accepted I had to let him go, and though we did have some "talks" about what was going on, and the why, I never begged or pleaded for him to come back. He even said he appreciated how insightful I was, and told me he gained a lot of respect for me in the break up. So....while I have never been good at being friends before, this time I felt different, and felt I had to try - and he was willing to do whatever to keep me as a friend for the meantime. We both hope things can work out again, but also don't want to be disappointed so try to keep hopes down. Since the breakup, I have let him initiate contact - I respond positively, but I aim to not contact him first. Yet, we still see each other right now 2-3 times a week, on average due to things like cycling - we both race and are on the same team, etc...and everytime is wonderful, we have a great time. He claims it is the lack of pressure that does it, and even told a friend "things were great, if they were like this before we never would of broken up". Honestly, I love how things are now....I feel much better as I can feel he is not pressured which is good for me. The only thing of course is there is no "security" but as long as we are having fun in the moment and treating each time together as that - time together, I am okay and have faith things will work out as they are meant to. We are casual, but share a lot of humour, and there is still affection there from both sides. Oddly enough, while the situation is weird, we feel totally comfortable with one another. What I do worry about, is trying to still give him space he wants - but honestly, I don't really know how much space he wants given his actions since the break up. He invited me last night out to practice some mtn bike skills today for a couple hours - so we did, had a great time again - laughed, and played, went to bike shop to put on my new wheels, and I admit we were intimate (no pressure from him, it is just if I am okay with it - and well, it IS fun and we ARE good at it - and I can do it without hurting inside...so no razzing!). He also asked if I was doing time trial on Wednesday (I told him I would let him know) and he said if I did he would for sure do it too. ALSO, this upcoming weekend there is a race an 8 hour drive away our club is organizing, so I am driving up with him on the Friday, and we are coming back Sunday (plan on partying Friday, attending a concert Saturday, and setting up for race/racing, etc). He invited me to drive up with him and back down as well. We are also planning a 6 day trip together mtn biking in July too. He is affectionate with me, when I was leaving today, he stopped me to kiss me a couple times...and I admit also when I left, I ran back into him on street on my bike and told him I was a "kissing bandit" and snuck a couple more which he was willing to give. So what is going on? It seems that without the actual "pressure" of a relationship he feels great about me, and us and sees things more clearly. He says he really has a hard time thinking of anything negative about me or us, and realizes those things bothering him were things he LET bother him, and things he should of accepted anyway. Once the "obligation" is off, all is fine. What I do worry about though, is unintentionally putting that pressure back on though I do not contact him, and reserve "time" together with him for those times around bike stuff, and when he contacts me - even though he has asked me to go out today, and on weekend, and sort of on Wednesday...(I turned him down for a couple other things this week though, group rides and stuff)...I worry about overdosing him on me...even though he seems to enjoy the time with me very much, and talking to me. As I said though, I don't contact him. I don't want to ask "what is this" for fear of scaring him/pressuring him...because right now I think that is the last thing I should do. I do want to keep the emotional closeness, but I also want to be sure that I am not adding pressure and making him feel like he is going to "fall back" into something again. He has told me he knows he is ridiculous for being this way right now, and I must agree....because right now it feels like our relationship is better than ever...only what is it!!??!!?? I am trying to keep some emotional distance/protect myself, but also let him see that he can trust me, and what I have told him. I know he is confused right now about a lot of things - his own feelings, and so I know some distance for that is necessary, but it is hard this week. I also know a large reason for what lead to the breakup was his own fears/barriers he was setting up in himself - not letting himself emotionally commit, and I admit I was probably becoming emotionally dependent as I felt him pulling away. I was thinking after the weekend I might be able to try and "lay low" for a couple weeks to give him lots of space to figure things out on his own. Anyway, I am just kind of "ranting" on here, and I apologize. But I am confused...and really don't want to pressure him and I DON'T WANT TO THREATED HIS INDEPENDENCE HERE! I am maintaining my own independence outside of him, and he knows that too. But still...I don't want to take any missteps here! While I know we may not officially ever be back together, or at least not for a long while, I do want to be building something strong together in the meantime on friendship.

I think you should send it - things like that are exceptions to the no contact scenario if you are following it, in my opinion. When dealing with things like that I know through personal experience that knowing there are others out there who remember the person who has passed, as well as you, are very comforting. And I think what you wrote is wonderful. Also from personal experience, while she might be emotional reading it, it really does help to know that people remember and care - even if you are not talking to one another anymore.