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RayKay

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Everything posted by RayKay

  1. Words/Sayings are not always bad. Depends really. One of my classmates (an older student) has a saying on his arm "Not Everyone Who Wanders is Lost" or something similar to that, I like it! Tethys - not everyone thinks they are trashy. Some do but meh, I have two and don't care either what others think. I got them for me. And neither myself, nor my tattoos, are trashy! As long as I know that, that is all that matters, right?
  2. This thread is over 3 years old, so little late if he has moved......
  3. Someone can find someone attractive without wanting to be with them and not wanting to leave their partner. People look. That is what they do. I am sure he has a soft spot for her if he used to really be into her, but does not mean he is wanting more from her. He also said he USED to have a crush on her. We all USED to have a crush on someone. Does not mean we do not love whom we are with any less! To me it is the secrecy that is the issue but I suspect if you have 'ordered' him not to talk to her in past and have shown how insecure/angry you get he feared your reaction too. To be blunt...that is a cop-out. If your attitude is "you can't do anything about it" you are going to spend your life hurting yourself and the people whom you care about by acting out on your insecurities where there is no reason. You take control of it by first controlling your actions when insecure and even looking into some therapy for yourself if you really feel you cannot deal with them. I don't know whether there is something to worry about or not. But I do know if you are insecure you are never going to feel relaxed with ANYONE even if they don't hang out with anyone else. You cannot control the actions of others. If something is up, you can't change that by controlling him or making demands. All you can do is be confident enough in yourself if he did betray you that you would, and could walk away, and you would survive. This takes being independent and happy with yourself as a person, not relying on him as your source of happiness.
  4. I guess I am pretty unclear on how you know he has a "crush on her". Of course he "likes" her - he is friends with her and you tend not to be friends with those you don't like after all, but has he actually stated he is into her in a more than friends way, or are you just assuming he is? I am just unclear on that. I don't think it is healthy for you to tell him to stop seeing her, and I don't think it is healthy for him to lie about it either (but if he knows you get upset that is maybe why...or it may be as he is hiding something). Nothing wrong with being friends if there is honesty and respect for your partners. If however he does "like-like" her, then it's really up to HIM to set boundaries and make the decisions - not you to do it for him or order him too. I do think if he is still "holding" on to someone else in his heart/mind that no, he can't really give you his full 100% (and that is shown in him lying in first place). I also ask how "happy" can you be if you need to force compliance from someone to behave in the manner that makes you feel comfortable? It's not really trust if it only comes by monitoring and policing them. This statement is full of inconsistency and honestly some odd beliefs. 1) Thinking you would not be happier with someone else does not mean you wouldn't be, particularly as this issue obviously shows you aren't happy. You are 20 years old, and this is not meant to be condescending but you have a lot of life and experience left to stay with someone whom does not deserve you; the very fact you are limited in this sense is probably having you stay with someone whom is not healthy out of a lack of awareness of what you really need & deserve 2) It is not your partners responsibility to "make" you happy. It is yours. The more you rely on someone else to "make you happy" the more b.s. you tend to put up with because you don't make decisions that consider your own emotional health and what is best for you in the long run 3) Rollercoasters of "happy" and "mad" may be dramatic, but it too is not healthy or part of an equal partnership. Jettison said it well in my opinion, and I think you are wise to read his post again: You can't change someone, you cannot control their feelings no matter how you may try. And you can't play martyr and be miserable just to "keep" someone whose feelings are really not that into it. He won't love you more for it.
  5. Outcast - I was thinking of you the other day hon and wondering how you were doing; have not seen you in so long & was worried about you. Your poem is good - but obviously shows you are still dealing with a lot of personal problems right now - PM me if you want. And it is worth it....but as you know, it's one of those things you have to make worth it. P.S. Looks like winter is here. P.S.S. Go Bombers! P.S.S.S. Yay Bisons!
  6. Reminds me of something like David Gray would do....particularly some of his older stuff. Would be good with the right voice and tune
  7. Well, it sounds like this is a combination of getting married too young, of resentment from feeling pressured into situations you were not ready for, a general misunderstanding of what "commitment" really means, and also the fact you are turning OUTSIDE your marriage to find answers (to another person). First off, there are highs and lows in any relationship. Even the strongest, healthiest marriages have had times of doubt, and re-adjustment. Life changes bring this need for flexibility. It is how couples get through these lows that strengthen their relationship, and determine their path. Secondly, commitment is not just about being faithful; it is about the commitment to developing the relationship and learning to love - love is more than a feeling; it is an action that one must take on for themselves to continously practice. Last; when you are in these low periods, it is the ripest time to find another more intriguing and to colour your values, morals and perceptions of your current relationship. You are judging your own relationship against a fantasy - how can something "real" that contains bills, child raising, personal conflicts, different personalities.. compare to something that is "perfect" because it has not had to be tested by LIFE? Only you can decide what to do, but I would advise you stop communicating with this other woman; that you do everything you can (i.e. counselling) to figure out where your discontent is really coming from (hint: often it is not from the relationship, but our own unhappiness that colours the relationship) and give it every shot you can as you promised in your vows. I also recommend reading the book "The Truth About Love" by Dr Pat Love. I recommend it often, because it describes these doubts and the biology of attraction, but also proscribes way to build true love with the person you are with, understanding that doubts are normal. Good Luck.
  8. Well, I think there are valid reasons why many do not subscribe to this belief anymore...one which you yourself are proving: children learn about relationships from what they experience in their parents relationships. In other words, your children may grow up and find themselves in "awful marriages" too or with certain preconceptions of relationships because of it. My parents divorced, an awful marriage. They both remarried. I got from my mother and my stepfather a WONDERFUL example of what a healthy relationship is all about - loving, supportive, friendship.....and I don't regret my biological parents divorced. If they had stayed together, I would have had a much lower opinion of marriage, relationships and probably myself got into some bad situations. And even if you don't fight in front of them...don't think kids don't know there is an underlying resentment, and so forth there.
  9. For me, it is scents and dyes that cause reactions. As well as lanolin (used in Lubriderm) - I found this one out last time I got a tattoo and they recommended using that one (I switched to something else they recommended with no problems). Use hypoallergenic lotions and test them out on a small area where you normally do get these reactions for a few days consistently. If no reaction, you are probably good to go! Generally I use Jergens Unscented/Hypoallergenic and certain Aveeno lines. Sounds like you are super sensitive though! I would check out an organics store, they often have more natural lotions that MAY be less irritating (unless something in them is still bothering you). Have you ever had an allergy test done? It may be good as it can narrow things down for you.
  10. I think they have as much of a chance of working out as a "non arranged marriage" however I have also seen personally cases where in many of these cultures one becomes very "trapped" in the marriage once they are in it. While they can often last longer, I am not sure how much of this is due to the culture's views on divorce, etc or not. That notwithstanding, love is an action, and something you create together, so I think that couples that go into it with the belief and commitment to that can find a great love and respect, more so than those whom may go in believing love is a feeling that will just last them forever as they are with their "soul mate". Soul mates in my opinion are created as your relationship develops. We have a large immigrant population in my city, and there are a couple of my classmates whom are in arranged marriages (both come from India). One fellow actually went back to India this summer to get married to his own future bride. One of my classmates however had to drop out halfway through semester as her new husband did not approve of her being in school, and was very jealous....apparently their marriage is horrible but she feels she has little choice as a divorce would cast a shadow over her from her culture and her family is not supportive of her, in terms of telling her she must listen to her husband. She is thousands of miles away from her family, home and definitely feels 'trapped'. She is just an example of how sometimes it is not so healthy, but I think hers was also a "forced" arranged marriage rather than one where she had some say in the future groom, as I know other families do do.
  11. I would recommend not only counselling ASAP, but that you pick up a couple books too to get you started - The 5 Languages of Love is a good start as it may show you why she is still "unhappy" despite all your efforts as she measures or needs love in a different way. And it is an easy read, and I guarantee you will see yourself in the first couple intro chapters! For the same reasons, she should read it as well! Marriage, and relationships, take a continous effort. What comes easy in the honeymoon stage is something that invariably couples must work on afterwards. When they are neglected, the years of resentment build up. It is not too late if you are committed to the marriage and her, but it won't be easy either. It takes a readiness to learn HOW to love and that takes time and a few mistakes along the way.... Good luck.
  12. The Mirena does have hormones though (a form of progesterone, similar to birth control pills)....so depending on the person there tend to be more side effects than the copper one. I for example wanted to go COMPLETELY off the hormones. As a result I still get periods...but I am okay with that as I was finding the hormones made me less fun and mildly depressed.... So make sure you decide whether you want hormones or not too!
  13. I can't write much since I am on way out the door for the weekend, but I just wanted to say....you know - since you told me yourself! - we manifest what we believe in, right? I know it is tough, but think positive. Believe me...those women ARE out there whom believe in, and want the same things in a relationship and partner as you do (I know as I am one of them)...and you will find them. It takes a few falls first to find them...but would you rather it take some time to find that right person, rather than rush into it with that wrong one? Karma does not operate that way....so don't blame karma! Sure if you are negative it brings negative into your life, but just because you were "negative" before does not mean you are forever doomed to be punished for it...not once you have gained that positive.... Give it time, and lots of hugs! (and thanks for the help the past few days too...)
  14. I don't think ANYONE here can tell you what to do, or not do. But I will say that what we "idealize" as love is not what real love is about. Real love is not just feeling, it is action. More importantly, it is loving actions and behaviours even when we are not "feeling" it so much. It is through giving, and loving and caring about the other person, that love grows...it is not just about what "they can do for us", but what we do for them.... Ultimately though, it is in your heart what you want to do. Good luck; but I do say that since you did make a commitment to him, that you need to make darned sure you have exhausted all other options - including counselling both for yourself and together - first.
  15. There is nothing wrong with great sex of course, but when it becomes how you "trade" your love at the expense of other things it can be. Besides, you are both still young, of course the sex is thrilling and "the best ever"! Don't confuse sexual chemistry for long term, committed through thick and thin love... I don't know...I think your gut is telling you something about him, and the relationship and it won't hurt to give it more time, until after the "honeymoon period" wears off and you really see each other for whom each other TRULY is....flaws and all. If you can still say "yes, I want to get married to you" when you do accept one another's "warts" and all...THEN maybe it is time.
  16. And what are those factors that have you thinking it might not work? I would not go into this until you have thought and dealt with those too. Marriage only deepens a bond if the couple works at it, and the bond is already there. Otherwise it just makes it more difficult to leave...but even married couples can be "far apart" and have a weaker bond than unmarried couples.
  17. By the way, that comment there, or belief, if he believes that is for ME, reason to NOT get married right now. Because love, and life, are not easy. And not being realistic about how you are going to truly deal with them is a sure way to mean you won't know how when you get there. That to me signals he is more in love with the idea of the "perfect marriage" than the realities of a lifetime together.
  18. My advice honestly is to wait. I don't want to sound...like the critical one here...please do not take it that way... 19 is very young, and a year at this age you are is even less time than it would be when you are older. I imagine some of your fears are more about wondering if it will "last" but that itself is more reason to take your time at this stage. I am not saying at 19 it can't work...but I can guarantee no matter how mature you are, you are BOTH going to change a lot in the next few years..make sure before you marry you can grow together and work together. It's great that you have fantastic sex, and great attraction....but, how do you communicate over money and finances? How do you share your time together and apart? How do you work together in terms of conflicts between each other, or when conflict arises due to outside pressures? How do you react to him when you feel insecure about these things? I suspect part of why you feel this way is because things seem "too perfect" and you are not sure how together you are going to deal with the bigger issues. I would advise you wait at least another year or two, focus on your schooling/education and building some finances, and then worry about planning your MARRIAGE (rather than your wedding). If you both truly love one another, you won't need to rush it. And if he leaves because you don't want to rush it...he never really loved YOU, rather the idea of you, and you would of been facing a divorce , infidelity, etc when the shine wore off anyway if that is his approach to things. If he loves you, he will be patient and not force things after only a year at this age.
  19. Well...I don't have children, but I can say the reason I want them is because it is a way to add more love in my life, to my family, my partner...and to the world. I really believe it is the power of love that is also going to change this world...when we stop being selfish and think only of "what we can get" out of a situation, and we start caring more for the well being of others. That includes loving others unconditionally - like our children - and I really believe it does change your entire perception of the world, and inspires many to see why change is needed too. It is easy to put it in black and white and see the "cons" of it all, the pros on the other hand are less tangible, and unseen until you experience it. Family is incredibly important to me. It is family whom is what makes it worth it at the end of the day. My life has not been easy...but I am so fortunate and happy I AM here. Having children is a choice. If someone does not want them, that is perfectly right for them. If someone does, that is perfectly right for them.
  20. You have to just explain that some men and women, instead of liking other women and men (respectively) like other men and women instead (again, respectively). When they are young...kids generally are quite non-plussed by the concept once you explain it...particularly if YOU aren't fazed or upset by the idea. Kids otherwise tend to absorb the same fears/discriminations etc as their parents do. My stepfather when I was younger was homophobic, but he explained it to us not so...I never even knew he felt that way until much later. But the point is as he was unbiased about it, we never adopted those beliefs/perceptions and were accepting of the idea. By the way, he no longer IS that way at all. My brother is gay, and he and his partner are fully accepted and loved by him, and all of our family.
  21. Love is about loving the other even when it is not "shiny" and caring about how THEIR happiness too, not just about the rush of being admired and winked at.... I am not saying that it is wise to stay in something unhealthy no matter what, but I am saying that if you throw away something not so new anymore because someone else is making you tingle (like your partner did initially) you are going to find yourself repeating the same pattern over and over and never really knowing what real love is all about. Love is not about attacking one another or making "pre-emptive strikes". It is about trusting one another, and caring about one another. Maybe she is no longer all that into you...but is that all on her, or have you not also had something to do with the negativities too? Have you tried just loving her more...not smothering her, but just genuinely loving her...to see what kind of return on that investment you get? If after focusing your efforts on you as a couple, you are still miserable, then it is time to move forward...but it is selfish to think that getting with someone else is the best solution to the issue, or going to fix anything in the long run....and it would be a terrible hurt to her. Love is also about saying "I am going to stop looking for someone else"!!!
  22. I wanted to just add...even if you are young, you NEVER know. When I was 22 my long term boyfriend of five years got very ill, and died from it. My "sister in law" (since neither she or I are married!) went to a wedding this August for her best friend. The groom died the very next morning after his wedding. He was 35. I know people whom have been diagnosed MS, cancer, been in terrible accidents and been disabled all in their 20's and 30's...so don't fault him for just wanting to take care of you.
  23. I don't think having insurance is ever a bad thing. Things that do cover disability are great as you can take them out while you are alive, and that really can help out when your income drops, and you cannot support yourself. Life insurance itself is good...but only pays you when you are no longer around! The "cancer" insurance you talked about is actually a policy that covers illness, disabilities that you get in life and you actually get the cash while you ARE alive, so you can use to spend on medical expenses, family, vacations if you are terminal, whatever you want. After knowing friends and family go through huge illnesses that really put them under emotional stress...it is a GREAT benefit to be less financially stressed as well. Even better is that when you start these policies when younger and in good health, they are more affordable. And generally payments are quite small, as they figure it all out with mortality tables to figure out what their likelihood of paying out is and so on. Why don't you go WITH him to his financial advisor and talk to him about it too so you know what it is really about? I used to work in finances, and generally for me we were looking out for our CLIENT'S best interests, not our own. Not everyone works on commissions either..so don't jump to conclusions he is doing it for himself. Have you maybe considered that he has it as he also cares about YOUR well being if something happened to him?
  24. Hon, they are throwing you a work shower, don't worry about it. Most people understand that showers are thrown FOR the person, not BY the person, and those whom the one throwing it know will be the ones contacted! Another friend of mine for example had three wedding showers...one from her side of family, one by her coworkers, and one by her hubbys side of the family! It can be crazy, just go with it and focus on making the baby
  25. Hmm, it is not unusual for people to be thrown a couple different baby shyowers - it is not your job to invite people unless there are some you really want there...so I would not. You may get two separate showers, but at least they will both be smaller and voluntary! I went to a huge wedding shower a couple weeks ago...120 people, and most the bride did not know at all! Was supposed to be co-ed, but there were only three men other than groom there and they were all put to work..lol. They got lots of "stuff", but not my cup of tea personally! The groom's mother threw it together for her. I am going to a baby shower next weekend...the night after I go to a bachelorette party..lol. The woman having the baby shower already had the baby though a couple weeks ago
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