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RayKay

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Everything posted by RayKay

  1. RayKay
    Hi cjz and welcome to the forums. I think that you should take some time to heal and look back on the last year. I am going to venture a guess that she may have been very hurt by the last time you broke up with her, and may have started guarding her feelings more afterwards, or watching your behaviour more closely. Think back...maybe what she is feeling now is much how you felt a year ago when you were not sure of your feelings for her? Give her some space and time to think things through and be on her own. When you feel strong enough, it is okay to be in contact with her, but you have to make sure you feel ready to do so. P.S. Just out of interest for myself - when you broke up with her last year, what were your doubts about your feelings for her, what kind of things were you feeling and what did you say to her, and how did you realize that you still wanted HER - what kind of contact did you two have?
  2. RayKay
    I cannot pick out his length of NC from the others in my head, but I think it was a couple-few months. I am not sure, but I think in his case she may have called him first and they started talking casually. But as I said, I am not totally sure that was the case!
  3. RayKay
    MyJoy's ex went to another guy very soon after they broke up, so I think he knows and they did not talk for a while either. He does advocate NC...but only for a limited time. If the ex never wants to talk to you ever again, well maybe you ought to rethink the people they are anyway and what their true feelings are/may have been. The point is when you ARE in contact again to pretend the ex does not matter.
  4. RayKay
    We are coming out of the woods now, fellow mtn bikers I agree with JT, once you are on the bike, you don't have time to think about anything else but staying upright. I ride/race road bikes as well, but that leaves way too much time for thinking, though the speed is nice!
  5. RayKay
    I am not a guy but I don't think your description of what a Needy Girl is accurate though. Needy Girls are clingy, pressuring, etc. Most men do like a challenge (and so do women as well!) but it is possible to still be a generous & genuine, affectionate person, fulfill the man's emotional needs and still retain your independence and be aloof - presenting a challenge. Women who have an air of mystery about them and leave the guy with mixed messages, are not necessarily Ice Maidens either - being distant does not mean being cold either or being mean! I don't think your guy friends are necessarily saying they want an Ice Maiden, but someone who is independent, yet they will still want their emotional and physical needs met.
  6. RayKay
    Well, I think you should take care to respect your parents, but continue building your relationship with him and see what happens, don't hide it from them, and they might be more trusting. Have they ever met him? Don't be in a rush to get engaged/married - you are still young and if he is the right guy, there is plenty of time
  7. RayKay
    1) How old are you? 2) How old is he? 3) How often do you see this guy in person? 4) Are you ready for marriage and all that is involved in it? Understanding that there is more to it than love.
  8. RayKay
    Happy Birthday then Okay, so it is religious differences then? That I can understand as making you unhappy, depending especially on the path of Mormonism (?) he may take - and what his beliefs about what it means is. I can see why you might feel that it won't work, or at least not work the way you deserve. Follow your gut, and your heart.
  9. RayKay
    That is crap. I know men who are more likely to act on emotions than women - get angry and close up. Hormones do not make us into irrational creatures - that was the same argument that prevented women from having the vote for several millennia! Individual people think differently - and just because one does not think "logically" does not mean they are illogical - maybe they think in terms of how things might affect OTHERS, or about how it may impact the future, or in a spiritual sense. And, just because women menstruate, does not mean we fly up and down like that either. Sure there ARE some women who do, but again you are generalizing, or hanging out with the wrong women. Treated as any other humans? Wow.
  10. RayKay
    What is is about his whole life that you cannot agree with? How does it make you not happy? Also, you are only 15, and I assume he is similar in age...you both have a lot of growing to do and "life" together is a slim possibility (at least without a break somewhere!) so why not just enjoy the now?
  11. RayKay
    I was an accident, but my mum and father tried very hard for the next one. It took five years, and my mom had a few miscarriages (one of twins as well). I was 3-5 around the time, and was told about them, though I do not know all the very specific details, I just remember my mum going to the hospital, etc. Finally, my brother was born - and I am glad he was My sister followed a couple years later (again an accident!) and there were no more miscarriages other than the ones between me and my brother. I think it is okay to tell other siblings, but it depends. It is quite normal for many women to miscarry in first couple weeks even, when there is something 'wrong' with the early development of the fetus. Sometimes, this happens before someone even knows they were pregnant. But, if the pregnancy was a little more advanced, I might say it to children who could understand.
  12. RayKay
    Yes, I have been cycling (road and mountain bike) for a good while now and there is nothing better than going out and either tearing up the trails or sailing down some rural roads be it by myself, or with other riders. I also race (both road and mtn). I have also been practicing power yoga for years too. However, it also means I see my ex often during the spring/summer & fall, as he rides too, and we are at races a lot together! But, we have had a good time at them and travel to them together too - no worries.
  13. RayKay
    No, we are not here to "rescue" someone, though we can be there to offer support (just don't be a crutch!). And yes, you love a person for who they are now...but also for who they grow into, and for where they have grown from. But you cannot just love someone for who they MIGHT be - not fair to them, or to yourself
  14. RayKay
    Get out. She is draining your energy obviously and that is not something you need to deal with. She needs some growing to do, and you cannot be the one to carry her through it - but you already knew this anyway from the first time you broke it off If she does grow up and find herself, maybe as more complete people you two will work out, but not until then. So for now, let her go. Good luck, and feel free to vent here.
  15. RayKay
    Not all girls have hymens by the time they have intercourse due to injury while younger (like landing on the top bar of your bike!), using tampons, or even because not all girls have full closed hymens (they come in various forms) to begin with! I didn't, and had no blood my first time either. So I would not even worry or think about it too much
  16. RayKay
    I am going to agree with dpressed's post here as a couple points are right on here. Women, at least some of us, are really NOT that difficult or fit into that stereoptype that we are! We have certain needs yes, but they are not that much different than a man's. A man who is not being fulfilled in any of the following: sexual, emotional, spiritiual, mental is JUST as often going to be unhappy as a woman who is not being fulfilled. While they might say it is because they are not being fed good meals, really, the good meals just go back to them feeling maybe emotionally unfulfilled, if they feel that for them someone preparing them dinner is a sign of their emotional commitment to them or something. No, women are not that hard to please. And neither are men. Sure there are EXCEPTIONS of high maintenance people on either end, but they are usually unhappy with themselves and looking for someone to fill their own insecurities or their own void. Where people and relationships fail is when those needs I mentioned above are not filled to the capacity the person needs them filled/met. The reason the other person does not fulfill them is not always because they don't care, or love, but due to miscommunication of those needs on either side. You should not always think of it you are communicating/dealing with a man/woman, but rather with ones individual personality!
  17. RayKay
    I'll answer this...and a good reference would be to read MyJoy's post - Strategy for Getting Back Together. Even if they are seeing someone else, there IS a strategy - your strategy is to not let that other person affect you. Pretend that all is well. Chances are, that other person will get jealous of you and your ex spending time/talking to one another and jealousy will rear its ugly head. If you are not jealous, it looks good on you. To your last comment. No, I am not over my ex. But I want to be with him NOT because I need him. I truly want him. I love him dearly. I don't need him as I have been without him before and been fine, and because if I wanted, I KNOW there are many other men I know or don't know yet who would love to be with me. But I love my ex dearly, even through his journey of singleness! If we reconcile, I will be very very happy and dedicated to making it work. If we don't, I value what I did have with him no less, nor do I regret my journey to that point. Those who don't use "strategies" but still want their ex are not over them either, so it is no different, just a different approach.
  18. RayKay
    To add to Chai's post above...a good attitude for you to take towards your ex (without being overly pushy) is the following: 1) You understand they need to do some growing and to figure things out 2) You have faith they WILL figure things out 3) That they are crazy for letting you go 4) That you hope they figure #2 and #3 out in time, before it is too late! When you are in contact with your ex, just keep those things in your head. At times, it is okay to slip something into conversation at an opportune time about how crazy they are for letting you go. At the time they might not think anything of it...but the subconscious is a funny thing, and in time, it might creep up in their own mind.
  19. RayKay
    Yes, we are in fairly regular contact. Mostly due to some interests that we have in common that mean we see each other for that, and we also have been maintaining a friendship of sorts. There have been times that friendship though has been in "jeopardy" by either by my impatience, or interference from family/friends on his end - we had a shaky couple days last week, but seem to be okay again. Of course, it all depends on the circumstances of the break up and the people involved as to what the best path is to take.
  20. RayKay
    It is normal to have hope, and also, the fact that she so quickly went to someone shows that whatever she says, she is not "really" over you, just replacing you for the time being and avoiding dealing with not really being with you. She is very likely rebounding, so don't think about it too much. Not sure that getting her to tell you all about her new life is the best idea though - it might hammer things in your head yes, but could also get you angry, or hurting a lot more. I know it is very frustrating. I am 3.5 months on from my breakup, and I still love him. I don't want to be with him out of fear, or control, or loss...but purely out of love, and it is tough to wonder if that chance will ever occur. Very tough.
  21. RayKay
    Well, since you don't live near him, I think it would be okay to send him a card just to say that you have heard of his illness, and that your thoughts are with him. Do you talk to him regurlarly? If yes, talk as normal, but let him know you are there to talk to. If you were seeing him a lot I would have different advice, but he might be touched given he only met you briefly. I had a boyfriend of five years pass away pretty suddenly 2 years ago, a few months before he had been very ill though and I know it was really hard for people to know how to act around him, but you know, he understood that and sometimes there is nothing you can really say or do - they know it is hard for you as well to know what to do. But, the knowledge you care is appreciated.
  22. RayKay
    Well terp, even though you left him it is normal to grieve (which is what you are doing now) and even more normal given that the situation was not something you could control - it was right for you to come out to him, and let him move on to find a women who would love him and desire him as you were unable to do. The fact does remain though, that you and he were great friends, and had two beautiful children together, and you are grieving the loss of your closest friend, father of your children and the family you had. Honestly, the only thing that will help you heal now is time, and support from family, friends, and your girlfriend. Have you been to counselling? Sometimes, talking to someone who has absolutely no first hand knowledge of the situation or the people involved can help amazingly. Letting go means something different to everyone - and you will know when you get there. But I don't think your family and friends can just tell you to "let go" as it is a process that is different for EVERYONE and not something you can just "do". You will need to do it at your own pace, as I said, you really are in a grieving stage and thereforeeee all the steps that come along with it are possible to pop up. Don't be afraid of them - write in a journal, or here, or talk to someone who won't get "fed up" and tell you to just let go - as I said a counsellor might help here. Best of luck to you, you will get there in time, though you will never entirely forget.
  23. RayKay
    How the heck is he a virgin, and yet you are one month pregnant with HIS baby? And further more, you cannot tell someone not to look/think like that, it is human nature. He will leave you is you are that controllling, I promise you.
  24. RayKay
    It really varies I think. You know When Harry Met Sally? Well Harry explained that men and women can never be friends because the sexual tension gets in the way. But, I think as he pointed out - it gets in the way for men. A lot of women link sex more to emotional attachment, and if they don't get emotionally attached, for them the sex does not get in the way and they end up seeing the men as just friends. But for men it does *please note not saying ALWAYS! If, as the friend trying to move out of friend zone, you don't do things that would break you out of her preconceived ideas of you, it is possible you will be stuck being friends. For some, distance might do this, or dating someone else, etc. Oddly enough, I worry about this happening with my ex...that in our friendship it will be I that one day can see him as only a friend and nothing more (which would be sad, even if I was the one not wanting more...don't ask, I am crazy like that - worried about HIM losing HIS chance..lol!). But no, you don't have to get stuck there forever! It most definitely CAN change, and it has for me before, but it can be harder, she may have these set ideas of you already and it can be hard to break out of.
  25. RayKay
    I am in total agreement with you, and also, I distinguish between one's motives. A lot of people call it playing games when some people on here talk of seduction, however I think there is a difference between doing it out of trying to control, or being manipulative, then out of love. Just think back to when you first met your ex, dating in itself is often game playing, but you do it subconsciously, or as that is the way it is done. No different in my eyes. The only part is that you now DO have a history, and it is more easy to get discouraged, or frustrated and impatient, or hurt even. Yes, I agree that there is nothing wrong with being a little more strategic in your approach to win your ex back. Now, if only I was able to stick to my advice more often - unfortunately this is new to me in practice as well and I am afraid I manage to mess up sometimes, and am also impatient at times.
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