RayKay
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Maybe I am in the minority here? I don't mind if my boyfriends look at porn - as long as it is not something that is really well, weird. I have had boyfriends who looked at it rarely, and some who looked at it more frequently. I mean, a lot of guys look at it for masturbating - men are visual and they like having the imagery. Females on the other hand can be more creative with their thoughts in general. I just don't get offended if my man looks at porn - I am very secure in myself, my body and who I am and I still know that he really loves sex with me, he still satisfies me, and I satisfy him - but guys and girls even with a healthy sex life on occasion may take matter in their own hands (so to speak!). I would rather I know about it, then they hide it from me. Again, if it something that would be considered disturbing, that is another matter altogether, but most of the mainstream porn does not really bother me. I do understand why it may bother some others though, and can respect that.
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Everyone, and every relationship is so different - every breakup for me has been different. My last ex and I were together full force for almost 1.5 years, we broke up 5 months ago. He broke it off for reasons I won't get to far into, but basically he is emotionally immature. I was absolutely crushed. We are both "open" to something if it happens in the future, but I am now believing that I don't really want that anymore (though the future can't always be told in the present!). I started dating again about a month ago, have met a few people and Sunday met someone whom I truly think I could get involved with, we have our second date tonight. So, I am ready now, my heart is open to it. But I shall not settle for anyone, and expect to be returned the same love I provide now and in the future. I still think of my ex, and sometimes regret what happened, but ultimately I know it is his loss, and he will realize that one of these days. But I am getting less and less certain I will be around for that second chance. Unfortunate, but I gave my all for a long time and I don't have any regrets about not trying enough and that is important to me. By the way, my ex and I are still friends, and talk - he usually contacts me now, and we hang out sometimes, and I am pretty sure he knows I am dating, or at least suspects it. But, we have an agreement to not talk about it - he does not want to know the details. How I know I am healed, is I don't even really care anymore whether he dates, or finds a new relationship or not....it does not bother me anymore. I can be friends and not mind knowing if that happens. If I do get serious with someone I will tell him, since we ARE friends, and I am actually really glad we do have the friendship - we always got along really well.
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Man, it feels good to be on the mend!
RayKay replied to RayKay's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Good to hear fridolyn, sounds like you are doing really well! That is exactly it, you just need to have some fun and meet people - and you will be far more ready to make it work when love does come around! It is not selfish at all, you are totally right, you do at this time have to be selfish in order to heal - just remember that when that love does hit, to let yourself go - don't be gun shy Good luck! -
Well if there is anything I have "learned" from the whole breakup with my ex is that things can't just happen when you want them too..though even I slip up sometimes! I am just glad we talked tonight and I cleared that all up, I don't think he believed me at first that it went to my junk mail folder! Oh well, looks like we both looking forward to tomorrow though and he was definitely seeming interested as he suggested dinner and such as well, so we're "back on track" again. I did read email before it was deleted, and he was really sweet...told me I seemed like a great person, and was full of energy (as opposed to all the zombie girls he has met in the last while..lol), so though I had already talked to him, I did sent him a short and sweet, unfashionably late reply to say I felt the same
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Whew, I did not need to worry at all! He actually sent me an email last night that went to my junk folder (don't know why, none of his others went there!) and I just did not get it....he thought I was ignoring him when he came on to MSN today and asked if he had offended me or something with something he said (awwww). So, we cleared that up (had to convince him I really did have a good time and I was not ignoring him..lol) and we are still on for tomorrow night for some dinner/drinks a film. Phew, I feel bad that I missed it now, but I don't check junk folder very often! He thought I had snubbed him or something I was like NO WAY! I had a really great time!
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Hmmm...I would not recommend you say that to her, whether you want her back or not, she may still see it as you trying to get her back and be on her guard. SHOW her you are different, let her see over time, don't tell her. It has only been 3 weeks since the breakup, and while you may have feel you have learned a lot - you are still on that journey. She should see the changes in your actions, not in you telling her.
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Thanks Scout & Carter - I think you guys are spot on about sitting tight! I'll let him do a bit of chasing, and try to relax a little, I am just really looking forward to it and for some reason letting my mind play tricks on me about it ("did he have a good time too", "does he really want to go out again") Even though I guess nothing would of been set up if he did not..lol. I will be patient Thanks both for the good wishes too!
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Hi everyone, it has been a while since I was out on dating scene and I had a question related to a date I had yesterday. It was a blind date, we went to the park, walked/talked, played frisbee, went for coffee, and had a great time. Got along really well, share a lot of the same ideas/values and it was a lot of fun. Anyway, as he was dropping me off at home we just had a hug and told each other we had a great time, and then set up a plan to get together tomorrow (Tuesday) night for a movie or something like that. He did seem interested in doing so as offered up a couple nights he was available to work something out (and maybe now I am just getting nervous about it as well!). So, I did have a really good time, and today I am wondering if I should send a "thank you" email and a confirmation for tomorrow night's date or just sit tight and see if he contacts me first? I don't want to come off as too aggressive, as honestly this is a guy I could see developing something with and want to do things right as I can see there being more there...which is why I want to go on an evening/more traditional date to see how things go! He is genuinely a nice guy, but I don't want to seem too aggressive, on the other hand I do want him to know I did have a good time! I might just wait until later tonight to send email if I do....recommendations?
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You definitely did the right thing! Don't let her use you like that (which you aren't!)
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Girls, what kind of a guy would you consider hot???
RayKay replied to facksfunny's topic in Dating Advice
I have dated guys of all different looks and body types. The thing is, the greater their personality turns out to be, and the greater the chemistry is/gets between you, the hotter they end up being! I have dated guys that could look like they just walked off the cover of GQ but they were not "that" hot to me as the meshing was just not there, and I have been in long relationships with guys who started balding as teenagers and I was head over heels for them! I have dated blondes, brunets (lol), brown eyes, blue eyes, really tall, medium tall, muscular, thin and a little soft Most important thing to me is a smile that they love to share willingly. That being said though, I go for someone who takes care of themselves (is active, fit, adventurous) because lifestyles should match up and I am very active - usually then they end up being toned/leaner but not always. I go for someone who enjoys sports/activities rather than "just works out" at the gym..if you know what I mean. Someone with a big heart, a friendly smile. Usually I am with someone taller than me (they have ranged from 5'6" to the guy I met yesterday whom I now have a second date with who is 6'4"). I like someone who can meet your eyes with theirs, and have a certain "warmth" to them. They don't need to be a certain colour to do this, as they say they are the windows to your soul, though I do feel "warmer" with brown eyes. Their is no type, it is all about how your soul shines through, and what kind of people they are, and while I go for someone who takes care of themselves so is generally fit, I just see that also as a sign of how they view themselves..they respect themselves to take care, and also are outgoing/fun if they are involved in sports. That fits with MY own self as I do the same. -
Man, it feels good to be on the mend!
RayKay replied to RayKay's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hey Mahlina, oh neither are like this at all! Very friendly, definitely did not lord their profession in the very least! I actually found out from other people what they did, as opposed from them! Definitely both the guys I met yesterday were more about having a big heart, and enjoying life's little things than about their position. The first guy actually, he is a sales manager at moment, but has his paramedic training and would like to go into firefighting. The doctor comes from Columbia (was a political refuge) and just finished his medical schooling a couple years ago. My family knows him as he is very big into latin dancing as they are. He is actually a little shy about his profession and only mentioned it when others asked. Definitely not snooty! -
Man, it feels good to be on the mend!
RayKay replied to RayKay's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
Hi antigone - wow, you are mighty brave for that move though after such a huge life change! There are going to be downfalls of course, and still bad days ahead, but I am feeling good again, and it was a long road. We broke up in May, and for a long time all I could think about was him...but, you get to that point where you realize you have tried everything, and you can't have regrets if you did all you can...and you are just emotionally exhausted. I want to feel true, pure love again - mutual love! Not this pain that came from loving him still (though I know he does love me still, but it was not enough for him anymore). I want to give freely, and be given freely. And that is where my turning point came..was when I woke up and said, I DESERVE so much more than this, I deserve someone as in love with me as I am for them. Good luck on your healing antigone, though it sounds like you are doing wonderfully on your own! -
Well, if she is young her periods are going to be irregular. How are you deciding if she is early or not? If she is always 5 days early - then that is just her cycle, she might be on a 23 day cycle for a few months, and her cycle could be changing again.
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Is it a regular period, or just light spotting? Was the sex protected? Some women have implantation bleeding if they get pregnant earlier than their regular period.
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Man, it feels good to be on the mend!
RayKay replied to RayKay's topic in Healing After Break Up or Divorce
To add on I also met this very interesting guy from Columbia at Thanksgiving dinner tonight (my mother likes to invite people from everywhere..lol). Doctor with a general practice, does triathlons...only thing that would dissuade me is I think he is maybe a little too old for my usual "age range" (he is 34 I think, I am 25 though he is in great shape and seems to have a great younger attitude!) but he is charming, always smiling and friendly, very attractive, but again the point is you really can connect with people from all over once you are ready...your ex despite all the love in the world, is not your last stop. Once your heart is healed and open again, the world is truly your oyster! -
I have been feeling just AWESOME this past couple weeks. Gone on some dates here and there which have been fun too. Had a date this morning (a frisbee/walking date) and it was totally a blind one, but wow it was GREAT. We got along really well and he was soooo nice and friendly, and I truly had a great time...I was smiling the entire time..lol. Really tall (6'4" - I am only 5'4" lol), smart, adventurous, really athletic, done lots of travelling, big into family, kids and animals...great warm eyes, funny. We have a second date to see to go to a movie on Tuesday WE seem to really share so many of the same values/views, and could talk about so much, it was GREAT (again..lol). I have plans to see the ex on Saturday to watch a cycling movie and have dinner, but I am TOTALLY only looking forward to it for the friends aspect. He has emailed me and even called me yesterday, but I have been able to be so non chalant about it all, and truly look at him as a casual friend. He contacts me first almost 100% of the time now, and I truly DO feel healed. I know I miss him and love him still....but I am looking forward to a future with or without him...and that is a wonderful feeling. So you CAN do it staying in contact as I have learned. Though for months it was incredibly hard and people told me it could not work, it really does...we are at the 5ish month mark, and it was a long road. I am still open to something with him if it happens that way, but I truly realize it is his loss, and there is better out there for me right NOW, not later..lol. And, who knows, we could still have a great friendship. Stay strong all - the love does not go away, nor does the pangs of missing them sometimes...but there is so much brighter out there.
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I am in the short category (5'4") I am not a guy, but wanted to respond anyway, as I am also curious. Actually, I like my height, and have never had an issue with guys...though sometimes I feel a bit weird with a really tall guy, a lot of guys I have met like smaller frames/petite girls so it does not seem to matter what my height is in general from my experience....I am proportional so it works out fine. The men I have been in long term relationships with have ranged from 5'6" to 6'. However, I am open to taller even - in fact, I have a date tomorrow morning/afternoon with a guy who is one foot taller than me exactly! Generally though, I don't go much for the shorter guys, but I have dated them and it was fine, just I hate to be taller in heels..lol. For the record, my mother is 5'10", as was my father, and my grandparents were taller. My brother is 6'2"...my sister and I are both the same height as each other. Not sure where we got our genes from! Honestly though if you hit it off, I don't think it matters.While I like having guys who are not too tall so I can kiss them easier..lol, there is something sexually attractive about someone tall...maybe it is a sublimal "making me feel safe" thing. There is perks to both!
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I would not say we have capacity to turn them off faster. It is not quite like that. We tend to hold on with our hearts longer I think, hoping for best, trying to improve things...but then I know for me there is a point where I realize I am just emotionally exhausted and that is when things enter reality for me. I still love, and miss...but I also am by that time at point where I realize "hey, I deserve better!" or I deserve the same love I gave in return. You just realize you cannot settle anymore. I am not speaking for all women, but I know for me there is no switch, it is just a breaking point that comes after a long time of trying, and putting 110% in with nothing in return, or not enough in return...and I start to put myself first since no one else is..lol. The love is still there, and it is still deep, but I start loving myself first again and truly need to SEE a change in the other person, not just hear that they will. It was my ex who wanted to be friends, and it was tough for a while for both of us...though we did it and are still friends and talk and see each other occasionally. However, while it hurt for a while, I am now totally at point I can be friends without hurting though I do love and miss him...as my heart is open to new people and new futures without him as anything more than a friend. I am meeting new people, and realizing I deserve someone who knows exactly what I am worth and treats me like gold. And so now I can be friends, as I have realized truly that it is his loss, and he has a lot of growth to do. I am open to more than what he could provide.
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You can ask her age...just don't act shocked in a negative way if it is not what you expected. It is hard to tell ages with some women, I am 25 but often look younger..my sister is 18 and looks like she is in her early-mid 20's. So...best to just ask. I think it is only impolite if they are actually older, but in general asking someone's age I don't consider to be rude if you are meeting them with intention of maybe dating, etc.
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my boyfriend didn't come home last night
RayKay replied to youngmum2b's topic in Relationship Advice
Hey youngmum...sometimes you just have to wait - a lot of people who read it don't necessarily have any advice or have the experience to know what to say That being said, it sounds like he has done stuff like this before? Pregnancy is tough on both of you - it is very possible he is fearful of the impending fatherhood (though once he sees the baby, that can likely all change) but does not know how to express it so acts out. If this is a recurring pattern though, I think it is definitely something you two do need to discuss. And if you do need to go at it alone...you CAN do it. Do you have much family/friend support? You are both really young it sounds, faced with a HUGE life changing event, and understanding and compassion is very important right now. You need to learn to listen to one another - even when one of you is not talking. -
I wonder if the reason you cannot find a nice girl has something to do with that sort of attitude. I am a smart, attractive, fit, active, funny woman with a big heart and am very loyal (aka would never cheat!)...but if someone has that attitude there is no way I am going near that. Being judged as a user or having someone think they are going to have to put me in my place...well...BIG RED FLAG. You might not say it...but a woman can sure sense it.
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A Question For The Girls Only....
RayKay replied to drahcir's topic in Health: Body, Mind and Spirit
Hmm, yesterday actually by a guy I went on a couple dates with so far. I can also clearly remember my ex saying it as well on occasion. I get told that I am sexy, gorgeous, attractive a lot...but beautiful, I love that word because it usually comes at a vulnerable offguard moment and to me is more about radiance/personality then just physical appearance - so I love being told that by someone I care about -
I have a two pronged approach actually...one I have a couple family members and friends intent on setting me up everywhere I turn. On the other side, I do the online dating thing. I have done it before and really had some positive experiences from it. It lets me meet some people I would not normally bump into, and allows for some screening as well. Has its flaws as well, but in general I have had only good experiences.
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Dating is good, and it sounds like you are aware of the possible pitfalls of rushing...but no, it is not so bad at all. I am dating, and having a great time. I still love my ex, and think of him, but I am also knowing that there are some great people out there and am connecting with some of them. I am not looking to rush into any relationship, but if it does happen that way, I am open for it since I AM ready for a relationship - it was my ex who wasn't. I do love myself, and know I am not going to settle for anything less than I am worth so know that if I do enter a relationship - it will be with someone who truly does it for me, and who also meets now the criteria I have learned from the end of the relationship with my ex (ie..more maturity/older is a big one as well as having COMMON SHARED goals/ideas when it comes to a relationship and commitment!). Have fun, it does get better, and actually even gets fun! I like knowing that there are a few men who are very interested in pursuing me and even put in an EFFORT to do so! My confidence is right back up there, I am not being taken for granted - and if the ex does come back, I am in the position of confidence to only make a smart, wise choice. If he came back, I would love to be with him...but he is not the end all to all, and it would only be if he had truly worked things through. Now THAT does feel great. P.S. He does suspect/know I am dating, but that is not why I am doing it, I am doing it for me.
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And that is exactly why you thereforeeee SHOULD be alone for a bit - because you fear it to some degree. Until you are happy with yourself as a person (even if it is single!) a relationship just cannot reach it's height of fulfillment for both parties.