liferedo

Too close to home for me...... Although, I was the one that broke things off with her. So let me give you my perspective. I broke things off with her after almost a year because I came to the realization that she was not invovled emotionally in our relationship as she was saying she was. There was alot of going thru the motions on her part. Now I was truly madly and deeply in love with this person. Or as I have come to realize, the "idea" of this person. It hurts, it always hurts. Whether real or not. Its the idea of what we had or thought we had that we put on the pedestal. And thats ok. Because that is what we are looking for in a partner. Its a reminder. Now when I broke things off, that was it. Done. Up to that point I had exhausted myself talking to her about things and blaming myself. It was driving me into the ground and I was getting no response from her except a complete lack of emotion or commital. This was all a few months ago. I am still exhausted. I have tried dating again but find I think of her, or the idea of her, way too much to be fair to another person. So i do other things. I have not contacted her once since then. I have not heard hide nor hair from her either. Which does show my thoughts about her were correct. Atleast that is how I rationalize it in my head. I was in pretty bad shape after breaking things off with her. And I still am to some extent. But I have gotten better. The worst are songs. I must be a site on the highway when certain songs hit the airwaves. A grown man bawling his eyes out. But afterwards I do feel better. Two songs absolutely kill me...Waiting in Vain..... and Moonlight Kiss.....tough to even type them. So does the other person hurt...YES......does the other person grieve.....YES....does the other person think of you daily......YES almost every minute of the day. And it will affect me for the rest of my life....a resounding YES.

You have already cheated on your marriage and family and friends. There is no difference between an emotional affair and a physical one. You need to stop all contact with this other person at once. If you are unhappy with your current marriage and family, then you need to discuss this immediately with your husband and seek to rectify the issues. I wont give you the usual about doing it for the kids, but you have already been decietful with everyone involved. So you need to rectify it now.

How do you get over it.....turn your head and walk away. She doesnt deserve someone like you and you are much better off. I believe once a cheater always a cheater. The thought will always be in your head and you will never be able to trust her. If she did it once, she is surely capabale of doing it again. Just dont let it be with you. They dont see it as being insensitive to you. They only see fulfilling thier needs, by having thier cake and eating it too. These types of people dont know what they want and are searching. Better off getting out of thier path and just pass you by. You deserve better. You'll find better.

american dream: Dont give me kudos just yet, that last girlfriend did a number on me. With the ex wife I was just happy to get it over with. She had done so many bad things that it was more anger then it was sadness. But this last girlfriend really tossed me for a loop. Still trying to deal with it. Still have mostly bad days. The last week has been especially tough for some reason. Mostly songs, movies and subtle hints have been driving me into the ground. I feel like I am just barely staying above water.

We have all been there at some point. No one is worth taking your own life. It may seem so, but he obviously wouldnt do the same for you. You will love again. You will be loved again. My suggestion to you is to find your friends and ask for thier help. Ask them to keep you occupied. Tell them what you just told us. They will help. Make a conscious choice to be happy. Steer clear of things that will remind you of him. You need to make a conscious choice on this. You need to be strong. Dig down deep inside of yourself. How dare someone make you feel this way. Rise above it. Make sure you sleep. A tired mind will conjure up all kinds of strange thoughts. Make sure your eating. Over eat a little if you have too. Exercise. Exercise. Exercise. It helps immensely. You wont be living without him. You will have the memories the rest of your life. It will be apart of you forever. Cherish them. Its a long hard road. We have all been there. You'll cry, get angry, but soon you'll smile and laugh again. You really need to get your friends involved. Ask them for help holding your hand for a little while. Friends are a great shoulder in these times of need.

Cassiana, I wouldnt reply to the email at all. Start strict NC immediately. It helps. It really does. It will helpl you to heal and get on with your life. It will do the same for him. If by chance sometime down the road after all this, your paths cross again, then so be it. By replying to his email, your leaving him a glimmer that the grass is still growing were he has already walked. And that at some point when he returns you could end up being the greener grass. So I would cease all contact with him.

Kittengirl: I was in the same boat. 1yr+ relationship. Both in terrible divorces. I was truly happy for the first time in many many years. I was truly in love with this person. Every aspect of her made me pine to see her everyday. But the last few months were becoming agonizing not getting it in return. Turned out I was just a rebound for her. Well it was more than that. She had really adapted herself to what I was looking for. She really wanted someone to allow her to continue on her life as it was for 20 yrs. Most of the things she did or said to me were lies to suck me into her world. The whole time she was in an emotional affair with a past lover. Til he came back into the area. Then be off with you. The signs were there. I saw them, I made excuses for them. Til I couldnt take any more. It really made it much worse because of the extra effort that was put into rationalizing what was going on and thinking I must be doing something wrong. The questions still linger in my head. Moving on has become very tough. But I know I wont get answers. I have been maintaining stict NC. I keep telling myself that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and that she will never find that again. Maybe not true, but its helping me.

I was in a similar situation myself not to long ago. I will say this about retrieving belongings. Its not easy. You need to prepare yourself. It is a step that has strong symbolism. It is seen as final. It will hurt doing it, it will hurt after and it will hurt seeing these belongings in your own possession. So I suggest to you, make sure that the things you retrieve are things you need. I had been in a long drawn out bad divorce that we needed to sell the house before the divorce was final. I had been seeing a woman for awhile after the seperation for about a year at this point. Part of the possessions, couch, entertainment system, big screen etc I had moved into my g/f's house. She had 4 teenagers and I figured they would put them to good use. Well after my g/f and I broke up, I wanted to retrieve those things. So I sent her an email suggesting I pick them up in one week on a saturday. This gave us both time to prepare. I took a friend with me. When we arrived, she didnt say a word to either of us and went upstairs while we were left downstairs to move everything. Being there was tough. Taking these things home was tough. Seeing these things is still tough. Taking them away from her kids was tough. And now I am reminded daily of it. If I had the chance to do it over, I would have just left everything for them. So prepare yourself, and really think about what you are retrieving and why.

First is my ex-wife and what she did...... Now remember throughout all this that we had been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 10 and during that time we were both devoted to one another and never even remotely had anything close to a breakup. We both had professional careers and two children, toddlers. Not only did she have an affair with a coworker, who was her bosses son, but she had depleted all of our savings, stocks, bonds, annuities and insurance policies all for the sake of putting it up thier noses. She was an accountant and took care of all of our finances. Then she also had our home going into forclosure with someone she knew waiting to buy it out in the sherrif sale. There was credit card fraud with the two of them. Theft of computer equipment from my vehicle in my own driveway ( afriend of his who was later caught). Now on top of all this, she lied to the police and had me arrested for abuse. Meaning I didnt see my children for two months because of a restraining order. It wasnt til we hired a private investigater and his proof was revealed in court that she broke down and admitted to everything. All of this from someone I had known for most of my life. I now have custody of the boys but had to move in with my mother, since I could no longer afford the house on my own salary. My stepfather had just died so moving in with her was probably the best thing. The boys are doing great and just started school this year, pre-k and K. Now number two.... Shortly after the divorce, and since I really dont like the bar and club scene, I decided to give online dating a chance. Dated a bit but no one really that I clicked with. A few months into the online dating, I met someone that really got my attention. She was a few years older, had four children, teenagers, and her husband it turns out, left her after 19 years because he realized he was gay. But he abanded the entire family with no contact. She was a stay at home mom, so she had to go back into the workforce. She and I both had the same dreams of love and sharing our lives with someone special. We had many similarities but many differences. We chatted online for about a month, then phone calls for about a month. I was falling in love with her site unseen. She told me the same. SO we met and just stared at each other. It was like a dream come true. I never felt so good. The next eight months were unbelievable. I just cant describe it. It was the deepest love I have ever had for someone. It was the deepest love I ever felt from someone. I couldnt believe I was so lucky after all that had happened to me from my marriage. Our children got along. Our families got along. It was all perfect.......Or so I thought......a little too perfect...... Now I dont know her actual motives but it turns out she wasnt who she said she was. Now I dont mean in identity but in character and I mean every aspect of it. What she presented to me was not her in the least. It was all a ruse to suck me in. All she wanted was someone to take care of her and her children and to fit into her life so that she didnt have to make changes to hers. The lies that started to come to light, the personality traits that were revealed were the exact opposite of who she said she was. She was narcisistic to the Nth degree and in hind site truly believe she is bipolar. As I was finding this out, I tried to get her help. This just enraged her. Finally after a few weeks of trying to sort it all out, I realized it was all a game to her. Actually it was her that told me this. I was never so broken hearted, especially how it all started. That the love she was giving me was all a lie. The memories of someone who wasnt. Way too confusing. I ended up having to use the NC rule with her. That was a few months ago and my heart is still tearing but I am managing. Now as far as returning gifts..... She returned a watch I gave her. A very expensive watch. A watch that was given with sentiments of my love to her and commitment I was making to her. At the time I gave it to her, her divorce wasnt final. She also returned the words I wrote that accompanied the watch. I was never so hurt in geting the watch back. I also needed to remove all traces of this woman from my life. I returned to her most of the things she had given me, love notes and letters and small gifts she had made, cd's she had made me etc.... I just couldnt bare having these things in my proximity knowing they were all apart of her game. I had to return them to help me heal from her. Its exhausting just thinking of it all........I know there is someone out there for me to love and who will love me. Neither of these women have killed that dream for me. But for now, I just cant search, I need to be alone to heal from them..........and this site has been a great help.

Use the No Contact rule. It helps immensely. It gives you time to heal. He may have broken up with you, but the dumper hurts too. So he needs time to heal as well. Discontinuing contact, of all forms, it will allow each of you to heal. It will give you time to reflect, time to let go, time to clear your head. Time to reconcile within yourself. You'll go through sadness, anger, wonder. But eventually you will come to terms. It may be a hard road. But one that will make you a better person to move forward with your life. Yes your emotions will roller coaster. Yes you will remember the time you spent together. Yes you will cry. Eventually you will smile and laugh. The memories will always be there. Cherish them. Its the memories that we yearn for. The memories that we love. Soon new memories will set them aside, but they will always be there. You may hear a song, or a smell a scent or see a sunset that will bring those memories alive again. They are forever with you. It makes us who we are. Stay strong, spend time with your friends and your family. Find one to talk to. Sometimes just talking to someone can help. Just letting it all out. Find things to occupy your mind and time. Eat well, make sure you sleep and stay healthy. Make the choice to be happy. I cant stress that one enough. Look for the new memories, they will be forever........

Dearest Kelly, In past time, we both thought we had found love. We believed, for a time, our lives were complete. We lived separate lives not knowing each other. However, we both knew that we each existed. We dreamed of each other. We lived for each other. We continued to live what we called our lives, separately. We had our own families, our own children, our own loves. But as time passed, we both knew that our lives were unfulfilled. We both learned our lives and love had been betrayed. We both learned we had been deprived of love. That time of our lives had been lost. Never to be regained. The hurt was overwhelming and seemed never ending. The old cliché, "Time will heal all wounds." seemed impossible. The time ahead looked dark and lonely and without love. The one thing that kept us moving forward was the dream of each other. We knew we were out there. We knew each existed. Somehow, and in someway, we found one another. During the most tumultuous time in our lives, we were brought together. We both knew who we were when we first met. Some say there is love at first site. We had love before first site. We had loved each other our entire lives site unseen. We stared in each others eyes that night repeatedly. As if we had known each other all our lives. Every moment we spent with each other, my love for you grew. Every moment we spent with each other, time seemed to stand still. My happiness was never so vast. This had surpassed my dreams and showed me love was true. It was truly, madly and deeply. You told me these words. A year past, the greatest year of my life, and suddenly your love stopped. You could no longer tell me you loved me. But your heart said it did. Your eyes said it did. We made love on the beach under a full moon, But you couldn't tell me you loved me. Every part of you told me, but not your words. My heart died that night. Such a perfect night of dreams come true, Destroyed by the lack of three words. How does love just vanish? How does truly, madly, deeply love vanish? Was it just a dream? Was it all in my head? Was it not real? Was it all lies? Was it all make believe? Your love is forever tainted. But the memories are real. The memories I will cherish. The memories will be with me till the end of time. My love for the memories will be for eternity. My heart is broken. And this is real. But my love for you will diminish in time and my heart will heal. But the memories will forever be in my mind. New memories will push them aside. And a new love may have my heart. But these memories will always be there. To be remembered forever. Once in a while, to bring a smile or a tear. A long forgotten love brought to life by a thought. But for now, That old cliché, "Time will heal all wounds." Still seems impossible. You Will Be Forever Remembered, Tom

Hurt88, thank you for sharing your trying times. I recently had a friend in a similar situation with a live in. He didnt want to just toss her on the street, so he ended up telling her that she could stay for 30 days to give her time to find someplace else. He gained alot of my respect for doing this even though she had hurt him deeply. But I do think that it gave him strength having to see her daily. Good luck and feel free to IM me if you wish to talk. As far as my ex g/f, before we met she had two other guys in her life after her husband left. One kind of led her on and popped in and out of her life, turned out he was married. The second was a younger and immature person that took advanteage of her as well. He has since married. And this is about the time I saw a change in her. I also learned that the first guy popped back into her life about the same time. I feel like I have been decieved on a level with my feelings and emotions that are beyond comprehension. That all the feelings I had were based on lies. But more importantly, the hardest part for me to deal with right now is that I dont want to stop loving the person I thought she was. I love the way I love her the way I do. I dont want to forget or lose that. But I know I have too. I just cant get passed it.

About two years ago I had found out that my wife (who I had been with almost 20yrs, I am 38 ) not only was having an affair, but she had depleted all of our savings, stocks, bonds, insurance policies etc for the sake of putting it up her nose with the guy she was having an affair with. Long story short, we ended up getting divorced and I have custody of our children. Ended up moving in with my mother since our home had to be sold. This was all pretty devestating but I moved on. I dated a bit after, and in the beginning was tough since i hadnt dated in 20 years. Having a great job and having my two boys left little time for a social life or even the time to get out and meet people. I have a small group of friends I relied on for moral and emotional support but they have thier family and lives as well. So I turned to online dating. Met a few people, dated a few, but really no sparks. Then one day I received a message from one of the online services from a woman. Not sure what it was about her email, but it caught my interest almost immediately. Emails then Im's went on for about a month. Then phone calls. This was all new to me but I was falling in love with this woman site unseen. I could tell that she was as well. So we met for dinner. When we first met, we just starred in each others eyes. It was like I had known this woman all my life. Later she revealed to me that she felt the same. After dinner we spent hours walking in a park allong the river front for hours talking. I never wanted the night to end. Nor did she. The two of us fell madly in love. We both had tough pasts. The way my marriage ended plus kids and she had 4 teenagers and an ex of almost 20 years who realized he was gay. We talked about our insecurities and help one another. We were both there for one another for the actuall divorces. We both did things that we had never done before, with each other. This was the greatest time of my life. I have never been loved or loved someone like this. She had told me the same. She had become my whole life. And I hers. I was never happier in my life. Then a series of events occurred in her life that really caused a strain on our relationship(her mother had a heart attack and bypas, then moved in with her for 4 months to recover, a car accident coming home from my house late one night, her children acting out and getting into trouble).She started to pull away. Telling me that a mother of four shouldnt be acting in this way. So I started spending more time at her house half an hour away. I became a big part of her family, helping with her kids, around the house etc. She had alot on her hands, as she was a stay at home mom for most of her marriage. And now she was back in the work force to support her kids, house etc. It was a big strain for her. So I helped as much as I could. The christmas before her divorce was final I had given her an unbelievable watch. With the watch I gave her some words from the heart. Words of commitment, love and what she means to me and that the watch represents the time we spent not knowing each other, the time we have spent with one another and the time we will spend with each other. The watch meant the world to the two of us. She very rarely took it off. After her divorce was final she started to become increasingly distant and cruel with words and actions. The frequency became more and more. When I told her how those things felt, she would laugh and say I was being overly sensitive. Or that I was losing faith in our love tothink such things. Finally she had done and said some things that really put me over the fence, and I confronted her on those things. It ended with her telling me that I should come get my things and furniture. So I did. I was devistated. And this devistation was bigger than even my own turmoil from my divorce. I had felt that she was a soulmate for life and I still feel that way. The things we shared, the love I felt for her. The love she had given me. It was all beyond what I had ever felt for someone. A few weeks later, late one night she dropped off the watch and letter on my porch. This only added to the devistation. Because of what the watch represented. This just absoluetly broke my heart that she would return it. I couldnt bear to have the watch in my possession, so I decided to put it on ebay and donate any proceeds I may receive to a charity in hopes of some good to come from the watch. But when push came to shove, I just could not part with it. So it sits in my drawer. I have since returned to her some of the things that she had given me along with a note that I had decided to let her go and only wish that I could erase her from my mind as the pain is too great. But since I cant that I would love her til the day I die. Its been a few months now, and a day doesnt go by that she isnt in my mind. Good memories bad memories. I really think my love for her is still growing. I have had zero contact with her. Blocked emails from her, IM's etc. Even had to block her children. It just hurts too much. Ive tried dating again, but dont think its fair to anyone else while I still have these feelings. I still have days where I hear a song, or see something that just brings on a flood of emotions. Nights almost crying myself to sleep. This woman had become my life and now it is all gone. It seems that dealing with this is becomig harder. And I am not sure what else I can do to continue dealing with this. I am contemplating seeking professional help, but not sure what good this will do for a broken heart. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the book, I kept it as short as possible, but there is much much more......

I have been seeing this girl for the last few weeks. She is a really nice person and fun to be with. But the last week or so she has become increasingly obsessive, intrusive and possessive. She is starting to really creep me out and I want to break things off with her, but I have no idea how to go about doing it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks RayKay, I was thinking the same thing. BTW RayKay, the first quote in your sig was by June Masters Bacher. She was a romance novelist big in the 80's......